depression and drinking

[okarol]

Sent a note to annabanana and she wrote back:

It's been pretty difficult lately with my sister's death and Randy's issues. I
 haven't been online much but have thought a lot about you
 all at IHD. Wishing I could get back to where I was when I
 posted a lot on IHD, but am not there yet. Depressed, I
 guess. Waking up and taking a step at a time. Give everyone my
 love and good wishes.
............

Please drop her a PM if you get a chance.



  Sending you some {{{HUGS}}} annabanana

[kimcanada]

My thoughts are with you Anne, a burden shared is easier to carry... we will all be here when you are ready

[The Wife]

 

[cabarle]

But I always fear he will die like your brother, OB, before he even gets that far.  I have to prepare myself for that, too. But how does one do that?

OB,

 The best way to prepare yourself for Randy's death is basic: Make an appointment with an attorney to go over both of your wills. Have insurance and benefits info ready and waiting in a folder. Create a "Who to call" list so when Randy does die, your support group can help overcome the shock. Most important of all: Remind Randy that it is yourself that has to tow the line when he's gone. Remind him that despite the fact he is reckless with his life, your plans for the future COULD include him should he choose. When he sees you're making preparations to continue living your life, he might recognize the hurt he's causing you.

God Bless you for sharing this.


Edited: Fixed quote tag - okarol/admin
 

[annabanana]

Thank you, everyone, for your thoughts.

Yesterday I took a big step and talked to Randy about how his doctors won't treat him if he's drinking and how I will be left with all of this in our lives when he dies. I told him he needed to understand that we need to get things settled for MY sake, before he dies. We talked over options and made some decisions. I feel so much better, knowing I won't be burdened with so much in the midst of dealing with his death.

I also created a "who to call" list (thank you, cabarle) and talked openly about what I intend to do after his death, which could easily include him, even excite him to the point that he might want to have a little hope.

At the end of this conversation he said if the doctor can give him hope of a 100% cure, he would go to rehab. I doubt if the doctor will say that, but he might give Randy enough hope to want to at least try.

Things are better. My deep and sincere thanks to all. 

[lola]

So glad you guys had such a good talk. Could you maybe talk to Randy's Dr and ask him to fib just a little so Randy goes into rehab? I have had many "secret" talks with Otto's Dr and that way he knows how to talk to Otto. Sometimes there minds are just not in a good place and making decisions are not something they do well. Trying to get them help is just so hard when they forget how it will affect us left behind. My heart go's out to you.

[okarol]

Fear of the unknown is the worst. I am glad you were able to get some things decided. It's tough to go through what you are experiencing, and the burden falls on you to keep juggling everything. I hope Randy realizes that he doesn't have to live the way he is, and that he can choose a different path, hopefully a step toward sobriety. Best wishes to you both. 

[pelagia]

I have just read found this thread for the first time.  You are a strong woman annabanana.  I wish I had something wise to say.  For now, please accept this

[monrein]

 

[twirl]

here for you

[annabanana]

Thanks for the hugs, everyone.

I have talked with both of Randy's doctors. His neph didn't say a word to him about it. The other day I told his GI that I didn't know where else to turn. And that it would be good if he could just tell Randy straight-out how dangerous it is for him to drink. His appt. is in 7 days. We'll see what happens then.

It feels good to be out of my depression, even if I am mad now at the whole situation. Sometimes being mad is so much better than the alternative! And I get more things done!

[paris]

Anna, the strength you are showing is amazing.  Randy is very fortunate to have someone who cares so much and isn't just walking out.   Getting things in order and letting him know that you will go on living might help him understand how much his decisions are hurting you.   Keep taking care of youself.  Like you, I get lots of things done when I am mad!  Sending you love

[annabanana]

Oh, Paris, I can't tell you how many times I have seriously considered leaving. But I know if I left, Randy would totally give up. Right now I keep holding on to a last hope that he'll change his mind. I will probably hold on to that hope until the day he dies. Sometimes I'm not sure why I even have this hope because it's unrealistic, but I can't give up. Hope is such a necessary feeling.

[rose1999]

May you never give up hope, it's the one thing that keeps us all going when times get really tough..................hope and love and I'm sending you both 

[annabanana]

At my request, Randy's GI talked to him about his drinking. He told R. he had to quit drinking, quit smoking, go to a substance abuse counselor, and try antidepressants.

At first Randy agreed to do all this, and I got my hopes up a little. But the day after the appt., he told me he was going to take the next 2 weeks to make a decision. He called his sister and told her everything, so I know he's not in denial anymore.

It's very sad, and I feel I have the strength to stand by him no matter what decision he makes. This is what I hope for now: strength.

[monrein]

I'm sending you some strength AnnaBanana, although I think you already possess amazing strength.  I'm also sending you some peace and calm.

[paris]

"Thinking about" it is a tiny step in the right direction.  Does his sister have any influence?  It would be good to have someone else help guide him to make the right decision. I can't imagine how scared he must be, facing so many challenges.  Just starting on an anti-depressent could help him start to tackle the other problems.  It is a very long road he is on. You are amazing for all the strength and love you give him.   You have us here and we will help support you and give you any strength we can.  Take some time for yourself during all of this.  We worry about you, too.

[pelagia]

I hope that you will continue to discover that you are even stronger than you think you are.  The hardest thing to do when the stress level is so high is to figure out what the right thing to do really is.  Please be sure to do what is right for you, too.  I hope that you are finding some peace in your garden.

[annabanana]

This is a strange road we're on. Randy is now eating the way he used to --- all the things he should NOT eat. But then he'll say he goes back and forth all day on the decision he has to make. Maybe he won't make the change...but maybe he's having one last week of doing the things he wants before he makes a drastic life change. It is disheartening, though, when he eats the high potassium foods. He says he hurts all the time and that beer makes him feel better. 

We actually went out dancing on Friday night. We had a fantastic time. The next day I felt better about things. I feel that if he and I can have happy times then it's okay. I told him this and he was very grateful. I know he suffers when he sees me sad. It's been the most difficult thing I've ever had to do to accept his feelings and to watch him destroy his life. I'm still in the process of trying to get a new perspective on all this.

We have a new friend who is full of life. He and Randy get along really well and he's invited us to his farm to go fishing. I am hoping that this man, who has overcome a lot and been clean and sober for 15 yrs., can set an example for Randy. Maybe Randy will gain some hope in seeing first hand how another person can choose life and be happy.  I can't help but think that this man was "sent" to us to help Randy make the right decision. 

His sister will be a great help, too, both to him and to me. The day after he told her everything she called me and offered her help to me. She said she realizes how difficult it must be for me and I am very grateful to have her support. She has helped people in her family numerous times to deal with death. She's a beautiful person. 

Thanks, everyone, for the well wishes. I am so very grateful for the support. And, yes, Pelagia, I find great peace in my garden. (We need a flower icon.)

 

[karen547]

I have read the thread and while I agree alcoholism is a disease not a choice, I'm just sick to death on how SELFISH Randy is being! He is only thinking of himself it seems. You can support him, but wow, for someone to just give up on life like he is, and possibly leaving someone as good as you seem to be behind to clean up the mess?? That is not right. What he needs is a good dose of reality! Tell him to quit being a damn whiner and get up and START LIVING!

[paris]

When you live with an alcholic, you learn that it becomes their whole life.  My Dad lost his health and his family, but the disease always won.  He was a good man, but could not, even with all the help available to him, bet it.   I don't think Randy is being a "whiner", but sometimes life, depression, disease is just too much to handle.   Anna, you are giving him every glimmer of hope and I admire how you are dealing with the situation.  I am glad his sister has offered to help you.  And this new friend might be the answer.  Especially, since he has sober for so long.  I think about you two all the time.       Take care of yourself!

[okarol]

Alcoholism is a treatable disease, but the person has to make their own decision and choose to take action. Any efforts taken by friends and family members are often futile. But that doesn't mean that you cannot let them know how you feel. Sometimes it's better to accept the situation rather that expect change. That's why alanon is so helpful. It can help families of alcoholic get support for THEIR choice, which is to either live with and love the alcoholic who is still practicing, or to move on and make a different life without them.

[paris]

Okarol, you are so right.  I went to ALATeens in high school.  It helped me know I wasn't responsible and  I couldn't change it.  It does help to talk to others in the same situation----just like IHD!!

[annabanana]

Karen, I promise I have felt exactly like what you said. He IS being selfish, etc. But that's a tough one. In the face of his problems, it's so hard for him to leave the life he's led for many years and do what's needed for him to survive this...which is to drastically change. For him, I think, that would be like trying to be someone he's not. A fake life. Like Paris said, it becomes their whole life. Also, I think he needs comforting. And alcohol is the most comforting thing to an alcoholic. This is a fact that's been very hard for me to grasp.

This afternoon we met a man who has diabetes. This man told us that he was going to live his life the way he wants, drinking and being out in the sun and other things the doctors warn him about. He's just like Randy in what he says. It's so odd...to meet this man and then, in contrast, to think about our new friend who is sober. It's almost like God has put these 2 totally different men in Randy's life when he has such an important decision to make. They represent the two options he has. I pointed this out to Randy and he agreed. So that lets me know he's at least seriously thinking about the situation.

Karol, I have thought a great deal about moving on. But he is such a good-hearted man and he and I have truly become the greatest of friends during all this. Yes, he's very selfish. But sometimes that's okay. 

[karen547]

I guess maybe I jumped the gun, but if hes not willing to try , even a little bit, that to me just spells quitter. I am 23 years old and the youngest one at my unit, and there are so many times where I say to myself, okay no more, I dont want to lead this crappy life anymore, and I want to just quit treatment. I then say to myself, if I give up, what will my family be left with but misery and a dead daughter! My mother has cancer, infact shes had it 3 times, and this last time she truly was considering stopping her treatment, but the one thing that stopped her from doing so was us, her family! Randy needs to start thinking like a survivor, not a dead man walking! I am sure life is hard for him, and you, but thats no reason to push in his chips and give up. He needs to get some counseling and learn how to accept the help he is being offered! I know how it is by not wanting to talk to anyone and just be miserable, believe me I have been there, almost to the point of wanting to give up myself, but I know that if I give up, I would just be giving in to easily to my disease and I will NOT let this damn disease have me! Not now. I wish Randy would realize what he has to gain by trying, life can be great if you let it be.