depression and drinking

[annabanana]

Monrein, yes, I think Randy has tried to self-medicate for years. I have brought up anti-depressants as an option before and he always gets mad. It is a double-whammy now that he's so sick. I think it's his choice, his life, and all I need to do is respect his decisions. And try to help him through whatever he's going through even if that means just me being present, which is what it's been like lately. But then I think like Sunny...intervene right away. Tough decision.

[flip]

I knew a guy here who had a serious drinking problem. His doctor finally put him on some type of medication that made him very sick if he drank alcohol. I haven't seen him in years so I don't know how it turned out. It might be worth checking into.

[annabanana]

Flip, I will check on this medication. Thanks for letting me know about this. Things have been strange here with Randy continuing to drink. Today he actually said he thinks his blood work numbers will be better because he's drinking again. I know this is a rationalization and addiction causes this.   
I know now that Randy has 3 diseases: CKD, HepC, and alcoholism. This realization has helped me cope a little better because I view it as a disease now instead of a choice. 

[Psim]

Thinking of you Anna. 

[okarol]

Anna,

I too have been thinking of you and send you HUGS!

The compulsion to drink is a strong one - it helps the alcoholic cope with life - and without a program it's very difficult to stay sober for very long.

I too believe it is a disease, but the choice comes in about whether or not to treat the disease, and he is choosing to go untreated, which is going to ultimately make things worse. I do not think it is unreasonable that you want him to get the best treatment for his diseases. This has a huge impact on you too. I hope you have found some help to give you support !

 

[annabanana]

I have found good support but he refuses any and all programs. He's stopped going to get his scheduled blood work done. So he has chosen not to treat any of his diseases.  Right now all I can do is prepare myself for the time when he needs emergency care. I have made good choices for MY life, I think. Support in many places, including and especially IHD, has helped me so much. The "one day at a time" relates more to me right now than to my alcoholic husband.   

[Yvonne]

It's funny, I have a problem with John, I keep trying to stop him drinking, he is not an alcoholic (at least I don't think so) but he does like his drink every day 3 to 4 glasses of wine and whisky in the evening.  I try to tell him it's too much with his condition.  When the doctor asks him how much he drinks, he says 2 glasses of red wine a day and the doctor said that's alright red wine is good for you. I can't keep nagging him, it's his life.  sometimes I feel like doing that to him to make him see sense. I do feel for you, our life with a sick husband is not much fun but it must be worse for them.  Yvonne

[annabanana]

Yvonne, You're right that it must be much worse for them. And if Randy was like your husband I would not feel so scared. But Randy has HepC along with CKD, and should not drink any alcohol. His liver is in bad shape and drinking removes any chance of him getting on a transplant list. So he's pretty much signed his own death warrent.

He and I had a serious talk about this last night. He realizes how dangerous it is. Bottom line for him is that he's always lived his life a certain way, which includes drinking. Every day. Quite a bit, which I define as more than a 6-pack of beer. On the weekends he has to force himself to wait until 10:30 a.m. before he starts. He is so addicted to beer that he does not feel normal without it. He is not a bad man at all. He's wonderful and gentle and kind. He works hard every day, even though he feels so tired all the time. He builds additions from the ground up. Does all this with one helper. 

Last night I told him how I felt. He told me how he felt...and the only thing I can do is try to respect his wishes, while making sure he knows how dangerous it is for him to drink. He's made the choice to risk his life by doing the things he wants to do...living his life the way he wants.  He's like somebody who decides to stop dialysis. He said his death will be much harder on me than on him. I have seen his depression lift because of my acceptance of his wishes. What else can I do? Leave him, which I won't do...Or be in his face, which does not work. I will tell his doctors, though. But he already knows everything they will tell him.

You know, I might admire the hell out of him for living the way he wants in the face of such dire consequences. I'm working on that, but it's hard because it's alcoholism.

I wish things were different but they're not.   

[xtrememoosetrax]

So sorry, Anna.    I'm thinking of both of you and sending love.

[monrein]

Anna, I want you to know how much I admire your attitude of respect for Randy's choices despite how sad etc those choices make you feel.  I still struggle with my anger at my Dad for all his drinking even though he was a good guy too.  I'm glad you're taking care of yourself.

[Sunny]

Oh Anna,
I really feel for you. But let me just say, you are being very brave considering the difficulties you are facing.
Your husband is facing difficulties too and the drinking is his way of coping. I just wish he could find a healthier coping
method. All you can do is your best efforts, and you really have no control over others if they don't want help.
I once went 6 months without having my bloodwork numbers checked. I just didn't want to worry about it.
Nobody even noticed: not my renal doctor, nor my general practitioner, nor my husband. One day the waiting
list transplant center called to check in on me and told me they didn't have any bloodwork from me for a while.
That was my wake -up call and I finally went back to my regular monthly blood draws. Since your husband probably
isn't on a transplant list, he probably feels like he has an unending future stuck to a dialysis machine. For some of us,
this is a hard future to live with. All of us renal patients know this. We've all had to face it. For some it is easier than for others.
So, make sure you don't blame yourself for his actions and keep being the strong loving person that you are.

[Psim]

Oh Anna, I so wish things were different for Randy. It seems like a good thing that you two had a big talk about his drinking... but very sad as well. You are right to focus on the things you can change...  Sending you prayers and hugs. 

[annabanana]

Thank you all for the kind words. I believe if I did not have IHD in my life I would be in really bad shape. Today I told Randy that the best gift I could give him would be to allow him his choices without making him feel guilty and horrible. I also told him how I wish more than anything that his choices were different. It's very difficult to put those 2 thoughts together and have them make sense. But I think he understood what I feel. He was very happy for the first time in a while.

I told him that our plum trees are too young to bloom just yet and he asked me how many years it would take for them to start blooming. I said I wasn't sure and he said it would be a shame if he missed the first blooming. Then he said, "That's a bad thing for me to say." And I told him it wasn't bad at all. At least he knows the seriousness of his choice and is not in denial like I thought he was.

I don't think I can ever give up hope that he will change his mind, though.

 

[migaguiar]

 

[paris]

Anna, how are you doing?  And how is Randy?  I think about you two all the time.   

[annabanana]

Paris, Thank you for asking about me and Randy. I have been off-line for a while. My sister died last week. She, too, was an addict, of prescription pills. We think she just forgot what she'd taken and ended up taking too many.  It's been very difficult. I've been taking care of my mother. Today is the first day I haven't been in a fog. My sister was only 57 years old. Her death has deeply effected Randy, but he's still drinking heavily. He explained to me that if he doesn't drink he feels like a caged animal and that's no way to live. I guess my sister felt the same way about pills. It's very sad. It's strange how my sister's death has given me a stronger will to live but not Randy. This is something I have to accept. I'm trying to see good things in life.  Glad you all are here. I feel as if I've been gone for quite a while. 

[xtrememoosetrax]

So sorry, Anna.

[monrein]

Big big hugs Anna.  So sorry about your sister and the ongoing situation at home but I'm glad that you're thinking of yourself too and trying not to lose sight of the good things.  We missed you.

[paris]

Oh Anna, I am sitting here crying.  You have been on my mind so much the past week. So I have been saying prayers for you and had no idea what a heartbreaking week you have had.  I am so sorry about you sister.  How is your Mom doing?  You are having to take care of so many and emotionally handle so much.  You are one of our good things in life and we are all glad you are in our lives.  Be good to yourself. Get some rest.  Again, my thoughts and prayers will be with you.  I am very sorry for your whole family.  We all love you here!

[Ohio Buckeye]

Anna. I am so sorry for you and your family's loss.
You have my deepest sympathies.
I'm sorry too about your struggle with Randy.
My oldest brother was a diabetic and died right before the scheduled access surgery for dialysis.
He was an alcoholic but would not admit it.
I sometimes wish maybe if we'd had an intervention it may hae helped.  always will wonder.
  

[annabanana]

Thank you all.
This past week has been difficult but now things are settling down a bit. My mom is doing much better. She's had lots of attention from my kids, too. 
It's very unreal, though. I think about life all the time--how precious it is.

We intervened with my sister 2 years ago when she almost died but she denied having a problem (like OB's brother) and left rehab after 3 days. Two months ago she was having a hard time and I tried so hard to help her realize how dangerous it was. We emailed a lot then---and she seemed to get better until last week when she got some new pills. She denied taking so many pills.  When I got really honest with her about her problem she quit emailing me. She's had really bad problems with this for 10 years so it wasn't an unexpected thing---but it is still so very terrible and hard.

It's difficult and strange to be dealing with Randy and his thoughts about death and then my sister's death. I write about it a lot and that seems to help me. (Maybe I'll write a book like The Wife is writing.)

Paris, you said "get some rest" ----you must know about these things in life because rest is what I really need and crave more than anything. I know things will get better --- just don't know when but I'm fighting fighting fighting for life and good things. I still will not give up in case Randy changes his mind. I will still learn all I can about how to help him if he starts dialysis. But I always fear he will die like your brother, OB, before he even gets that far.  I have to prepare myself for that, too. But how does one do that?

[okarol]

I am so sorry to hear about your sister Anna. Losing someone so close is tough, and not being able to save them is even more heartbreaking.
Sometimes people just cannot face life on life's terms. It's brutal what Randy has been through. I imagine it's sometimes too much to bear.
Sending you {{{HUGS}} and for your mom and kids too. Take care.
 

[rose1999]

I'm so sorry Anna, I don't know what to say so I'm just giving you a big hug  .  We are here for you and I hope that helps.

[Bajanne]

Wow!  The challenges in your life!  We all wish we could just come and hug you and make all the sadness and anxiety go away.   In the midst of all this please always remember that there is a family with members all over the word just rooting for you, sending caring thoughts and prayers your way.

[okarol]

annabanana - How are you doing?
I hope things have gotten a bit better.
Just thinking of you!