depression and drinking

[G-Ma]

 
My friends from where I worked always call me annabanana...how funny......RichardMel...I appreciate everything I read from you to anyone.  It always seems to speak to many of us at the same time.
I am just over the year mark and still am fighting this like your husband and many times I am depressed and feel like I am somehow "broken" and can't be "fixed" and this seems to internalize everything and is what I am trying to move beyond although I don't look at the death card much but everyone feels something different and all we can do is be here for all.

[paris]

I think this thread has been very helpful to many of us.  As Pelagia said, it has been very insightful.  Thank you everyone for really opening up and sharing.   Anna, I hope you and Randy are having a good weekend.   

[kitkatz]

I feel broke and unfixable a lot.  But when my hubby reminds me he loves me still, it helps.  Even when I grump at him and he looks at me with the puppy dog eyes, I remember I need to focus on the good, not the bad.
This disease really pulls a lot of crap on you when you least expect it.  Learn to bounce.

[RichardMEL]

*big blush* thank you everyone (specially the ladies ) for the very kind words. It means a lot to me that my rambling about my own experiences and thoughts are helpful to others. That's half the point of IHD in my view so I am very pleased to be able to offer something back to everyone here (specially the ladies  hehehehe)

Re: Feeling "broke" and "unfixable" - I think this is very interesting. Well the idea, not the feeling! In a way I haven't really felt that way with my kidneys. I guess a little. The thought of a transplant, while NOT (repeat NOT!) a fix, but certainly hopefully giving a much more normal lifestyle away from the machine and the diet and the fluid restrictions etc for hopefully some period of years(or more, the powers that be willing) offers real hope. I realise not everyone with CKD has this option so I am very greatful that hopefully someday I will get that call, and at least for the time I have it, everything will change (I fall asleep at night dreaming about large bottles of water... which is pretty sad I reckon! LOL). I think though because I have grown up with bad eyes and eyesight, if anything I've felt more "broken" about that so the kidneys was just well like another compounding thing (d'oh!).

I am adding Nashville to my list of places to visit post transplant. Randy, Anna and I can go out for a SODA!!! yee haw!

I think getting up to Chicago and meeting some IHD folks would be really beneficial to someone in Randy's situation. Just showing there are folks out there facing the same thing and living with it and getting on with it can inspire hope and a shift in viewpoint from "I'm going to die soon anyway so what's the point" to something closer to "I can live with this like these people and more I can start doing positive things for me and my family" - the power of example can be a good one. Besides if he's a "big tough man's man" shouldn't he face it like "a man"? I guess that's a whole different argument though.

PS: I like how Twirl writes too

[annabanana]

We had a wonderful Saturday at our friends' house. But late Sat. night Randy got angry. At himself, no doubt. I don't know. Our friends said it was the alcohol. I think the good example that our friend set for Randy was too much for him. And, of course, he'd been drinking all day.

So we got home on Sunday and yesterday afternoon Randy told me to leave. I was so happy over the weekend and I think he feels as if he can't give me that kind of happiness. I really don't yet understand, but I think just my presence reminds him daily of the mistake he knows he's making. I think he feels incapable of changing.

I'm staying at my mother's house with no internet for a while. Once I get moved out and settled, I'll go to the library to get on the internet. I'm okay, but stunned right now. I feel like I've done everything in my power to make things okay. At least I am able to walk away with my head held high. I gave it my all and more. But I cannot fight for someone who has given up. So very very sad.

Thank you all for the support and love and hugs. I dearly love all of you.  And I'll check in soon.

Anna     (my mom has a nice garden)

[paris]

Dear Anna, my dear friend, I am so sorry Randy did this.  Right now, you need to take care of yourself.  You have been strong during all of this.  You have been the rock he could lean on. Maybe he needs to fall and see how hard it is to climb out of the hole when you are all alone.   You can't save him from himself.  You can save you and right now that is what is important.    I am glad you are at your Mom's. Let her take care of you for awhile.  You deserve for someone to pamper you.  You are in my prayers.  We are all here for you.  PM anytime you need to.  Sending lots of hugs  and love.

[okarol]

Anna, take care, I PM'd you, please call if you need to, best wishes and lots of hugs coming your way!

[rose1999]

I've PMd you too but please let us all know how you are when you can.
 

[flip]

I'm so sorry, Anna. I don't think he has a clue about what he is facing. It's not very pleasant going through it alone and maybe he will wake up and realize that.

[monrein]

Oh Anna, I'm so sorry that you're having to deal with this now.  Please know how much we all care for both you and Randy but for right now you MUST be your first priority. 

[karen547]

Anna- I am so sorry about all of this! I cannot believe he told YOU to leave, after everything you have done for him, etc. He may have given up but don't let that stop you from enjoying your own life! You cannot help someone who is in that frame of mind and denial, there is just no way to help at this point. He unfortunately seems like he needs to hit rock bottom to get his wake up call. I wish you luck!

[lola]

Hang in there Anna, and PLEASE know that your IHD family is here for you.

[RichardMEL]

Anna sending you tons and tons of love and hugs from down under (but don't worry, they are still warm).

As the others have said Randy probably won't realise what he's done for a while... and he probably also won't realise just how much you did for him and how much he took you for granted.

Still, it's his decision.. and it is horrible to face but actually you leaving might well be just what he needs. And in a funny way, it may also be good for you. Just to get away from that environment where it is a constant struggle for YOU - caring for someone who doesn't care for themselves and taking it out on you etc.

I am still sorry this has happened right now... I hope though that in time there might be something positive to come out of this.

You have all our love and support. And even Randy... because he is taking the "easy" way out in my view - letting the drink take over because he finds "solace" in that to run from the reality of his (dreadful) situation. He'll soon realise that asking you, his loving and supportive partner, to leave is far worse than never drinking again.

My prayers and thoughts are with you at this time. Enjoy the garden and we hope to hear from you soon when you are somewhat more settled.

 

[pelagia]

Oh Anna, this is so upsetting.  I have been off line for a couple of days because of company visiting.  I certainly didn't expect to read this news.  I am so sorry that it has come to this.  I hope that you are in your mom's garden giving your head a chance to clear. 

[Sunny]

Sorry Anna. My heart goes out to you.
Sounds like your mother is very loving and I hope you get through this very tough spot.

[pelagia]

thinking of you today 

[paris]

Anna, I know you aren't around a computer, but I still wanted to write and say I keep thinking about you.  I'll keep saying prayers that you are ok.  We all love you here and miss you.  Take care, friend

[flip]

If I knew where she was I'd go check on her. I'm not that far from Nashville.

[twirl]

anna
thinking about you
hope you are okay
sorry
but know we care and we are here for you
  to you

[RichardMEL]

Gosh darnit you guys beat me to it.. the first thing I was going to do today was post in this thread to let Anna know I was thinking of her....

so I'll just add my accent to everyone else's (but you know mine's sexier, right?  )

[flip]

It's a matter of opinion, Richard.

Do you have tars on your car?

[RichardMEL]

I don't own a car......

[rose1999]

I think about you every day too Anna and hope you are OK 

[paris]

Admins, is there a contact number just to check up on her to make sure she is doing ok?  It is hard not to worry when things were so bad during her last posts.   

[RichardMEL]

Just bumping this up. Anna you are in our thoughts.....