can someone please give me some "male insight" or something LOL

[okarol]

Life is too short to spend being uncomfortable in your own home. This is not the role model you want for your son. I am not a male, but it looks clear to me. Time to take a new path. That's my 2 cents. 

[RichardMEL]

I just love love love the posts since I was last here (sorry I wish I didn't have to be so flattering about such a dreadful and upsetting/sensitive topic ) - DD it's awesome to see your posts again - I hadn't seen any for awhile, and I love your honest non nonsense attitude. Dear Cariad, you too speak sense, as does MM and others.

let me take some water from my big tx bottle (thank you again Cariad - I constantly think of you when I use it, which is daily )

When I first read GLM's story about how Jareth was used in such a manner my very initial response was "That's horrible emotional blackmail" - but on reflection and reading some posts here - it's that and then some!!! What he's effectively done is set up a situation where, if you do leave him, Jareth will, at least initially, resent you - PJ has set that up by saying "That's what mommy is thinking of doing" - making it very clear to anyone, even if they don't understand the word "hypothetically" that it's YOUR FAULT if Jareth is seperated from the man he wishes was his real daddy. That is damaging in so many ways I can't even begin to list them. It's cold hard manipulation in the worst way - and there's nothing innocent or spur of the moment about it either - I think he has deliberately decided to use that as a ploy to keep you there - much like the other ploy of making you feel bad that the "only" reason he goes to work is for you and J.

He may be a dipshit, lazy, selfish etc but he's clearly not stupid and sadly, as he has himself told you, has MUCH practice at this game over many years.

As I wrote in an earlier post your own actions/reactions to him are letting him know that it's OK to continue to be like this. As DD said there's no consequence. Even if you keep talking about how it's not working, then he steps it up with the emotional blackmail and manipulation of your son where you're left in a position where you're made to feel like the evil person for leaving - both by him ("you're the only reason I go to work") and by Jareth ("[ leaving ] is what mommy is thinking of" -  so low in my book it's beyond contempt.

The recent post, I think by MM? listing the positive aspects of a rship is a good one and reading those - just fronm what you have told us - I can put a cross next to most of thee "good" things, and a tick next to the "bad" things.

And then you STILL think YOU need to try harder. You posted last year sometime that he admitted to you point black that he was only really with you because the alternative (ie being alone) was so much horribly worse. So it's not about how he wants to be with YOU.. he just wants someone there, and hooked them in he plays these manipulative games to keep them. I'm no psychologist to explain why he would do this, but the co-dependence theory seems good to me. Meanwhile you still feel worse about what YOU are doing.

Yes, actions speak louder than words - and in his case his actions are ether non existant or selfish, and his words are now manipulative and cruel. The worst part is he's not directly being hurtful  but indirectly making your good nature work for him (as in you care about him, so you can't possibly leave him alone without a reason to go to work).

At this point he's been quite clear about where he stands (or sleeps) - he won't change - he hasn't really for years now. He lost a sweet wonderful woman and still that was not enough - this is all by his own admission(according to you) so he is aware.. he clearly just doesn't care so much.

Frankly at this point as your friend, as many here are with YOUR best interests at heart, I could care less what happens to him. Let him sink or find his own  way to be a parasite to some other poor person.. that seems to be how he operates. I remember when you got together and I saw some loely supportive and kind commentss from him on facebook, and I thought yeah this seems like a great guy for Jen.. welllike you said he made an effort for a short time, then realised he'd hooked you and could relax and go back to his usual ways.

plan now, get out. I know you care about him, but he continues to show time and time again and in increasingly poor ways (IMHO) how he's just not worthy of your heart. Look after YOU! You KNOW what you need to do - you wouldn't be asking all of us otherwise because you know what he is doing is so wrong - if you need validation of that.. here.. we've ALL validated it. All of us. The case is clear. You know what to do. time to do it. You deserve so much better - even at this point being single I think would be a step up for you.  Right now this partner has gone from an unreliable drag to a manipulative S.O.B. What's next? Don't debae it any more. don't ask him. You TELL HIM and.. make it happen. He's had so many chances it's not funny.

finally a small comment about a caring relationship (from the single guy lol)... to me it shouldn't be a chore or a hassle to care about someone you are with. It should come naturally, and should be a pleasure to see them. Sure I do not live in utopia where every day is awesome but in general it should not be such a struggle or a horrible thing to give of yourself for the other. You do this a lot. He doesn't. This is beyond negotiation or compromise, because it's one totally one sided and getting worse.

my 2 cents and sorry for being blunt and offensive.

[MooseMom]

Richard, not only is it getting worse, but it's getting scary...

And it was jbeany who posted that superb list!

[Riki]

I don't think I've ever felt so much anger towards someone I don't know in my life, and this is after following American politics for several years.. *L*

What PJ said to your son was master manipulation.  He has now made you the bad guy, so when you do leave, you are taking him away from the man he wishes was his real dad.  If I were you, I don't know if I would have been able to keep my composure.   It's one thing for him to do it to you, you're an adult, and for the most part, you know what he's doing.  It's quite another for him to do it to J.  He's only a kid, and doesn't understand how manipulation works.  You really do have to think of what the effects will be on him in the long run if you stay with PJ, now more than ever.

[RichardMEL]

Sorry MM - my bad - thanks for the correction.

and yes Riki exactly my point but you didn't waffle on like me (mmmm waffles...).

it's scary and there's no excuse for the deliberate manipulations going on here. NO excuse. It's pre-meditatied and disgrceful. There's no way I could be convinced that his comments were not deliberate and calculated..... and the excuses need to stop.

Look at many of us right here (including GLM) we've gone through kidney failure which is an extreme chronic condition and can be very traumatic but I like to think most IHD posters are pretty with it and well adjusted (ok, maybe not me ) ). oh he's had such a hard life. he can't change who he is.. oh it must be my fault. nope nope and NO!

[gothiclovemonkey]

Yes, he DID use the word hypotheticaly with my eight yr old. Yes, It was hard to keep composure, but I really didnt want to start anything IN FRONT of jareth. (Usually, the main reason i keep my mouth closed is because he is within ear shot of everything...)

I already said, I am looking to leave. I just have to find somewhere, which isnt all that easy to do, but I already told my dad to keep an eye out for a place, and look in the paper for me. And i am calling a few places this week.

I dont think any of you are being cruel at all. I appreciate the honesty and bluntness. Sometimes thats what I need. (ok, thats what I always need)
I did need the validation because i still do feel like im giving up, and i dont like that feeling at all.
When he said that to jareth my first reaction was to be even more pissed off, then i was confused, like why does he want me here? then i was pissed again, for the same reason you all are. it just makes no sense.

wow that list really opens some eye. i have absolutely none of the top part with him. And have all but maybe 2 of the bottom.............

smh i know i probably come across as some dumbass now, and while i still dont think i am dependant on anyone, and i dont think i need anyone, ive been alone before, for years i lived alone and quite frankly isolated myself from everyone too. so its hard for me to believe that... bt i guess in some ways ive always dated the type. the number one main reason i hadnt dated for a while, until pj was because of my son. I didnt want to get with some loser, and i didnt want to get him attached either... but because pj was faking the begining, i thought i had a good one.

last night we had to go to his gmas bday, and we had gotten her a frame with jareths pic, and pj said something about it being easy to take the picture out, "cause you never what the future will hold" - i found that oddly omen-like.

i know, ive known for a while, its just hard.
and knowing it will upset jareth makes it that much harder. I feel like a failure because of that. but you all are right, he deserves better. He doesnt need to grow up like this.

[frankswife]

This guy is really starting to sound a couple eggrolls short of a pu-pu platter.

[gothiclovemonkey]

starting to? lol

trying to find something about how to break it to jareth, i dont want him to be devistated, i want to do this right as possible... any ideas?
i tried typing step parents and divorce, etc. i keep finding things that say to let the step parent be in the kids life, which is fine and dandy, but i know that is not somethng HE will do... so its not helpful. I know when we leave, he wont have anything to do with jareth....
He had pretty much told me before that if i died he wouldnt, so i know me just leaving he wont... (his reason for saying that he wouldnt want jareth if i died? because he works........... urm, i used to work, 2 jobs and college, and still managed to have my son... so that was just a lame excuse. )

Any ideas on how to deal with this for Jareth??

[frankswife]

My dear, kids are very resilient. Jareth will be fine. You are the one who is not ready for it. From all you are telling us, I don't understand how Jareth could love him so much anyway since it doesn't sound like they even interacted all that much. Just do it. Don't get bogged down in this as another excuse, please!!!!!

[cariad]

Yes, he DID use the word hypotheticaly with my eight yr old. Yes, It was hard to keep composure, but I really didnt want to start anything IN FRONT of jareth. (Usually, the main reason i keep my mouth closed is because he is within ear shot of everything...)
 

OK, more candor to come. I think the rule that parents should not fight in front of the kids is overused. Arguments about money or sex or myriad other issues that should be just between adults, absolutely. However, I think this is a textbook example of a situation where you do more harm than good by refusing to model appropriate behaviour for Jareth. I would guess that Jareth desperately needs to see you stand up for yourself and for him. He may not fully understand what is going on, but he will come away with the knowledge that there are boundaries in his life and that his mother will defend herself and him when necessary.
 
All I get from what you are saying is that he knows that the lease is expiring and that he suspects that you are going to take that opportunity to leave, but that if he can just throw enough obstacles in your path, you will sign another lease and then tell everyone that you are now committed to this for another year. I guess I don't get the sense that you see this as all that serious and that frankly shocks me. This happened last Thursday? Have you said anything to him yet? Why are you allowing him to give pics of your son to his grandmother?! I just don't get it. Are we going to have to hear how now you can't leave because it will shatter her too?
 
Co-dependence is a poorly named condition and does not mean that you need him for money or help with Jareth or anything of that nature. It means that you have desperately low self-esteem combined with poor or nonexistent relationship skills, handed down to you by a crazy family (I have one of those and I know how escaping to prep school was the beginning of me finding a saner path). And we all have behaviours and feelings that could be labeled co-dependent, autistic, bipolar, OCD, completely mental or just plain stupid. I could share some of mine but we'd be here for weeks. You sound lonely which is so damn normal and ordinary that it seems that pointing it out adds nothing to the conversation. Wanting to not be lonely is so common it's a basic human trait, it's how we all go about fighting with the loneliness in our lives that is either constructive or disastrous.
 
That question about him wondering how he could possibly learn to not be selfish because he's been that way all his life also wound me up. Reciprocity is a trait that babies display! Chimpanzees display it! Effing monkeys even! (And yes, I have a master's in biological anthropology, so I know way more about primate behaviours and evolution than the average mom - go ahead, test me. I will bombard you with enough boring data to tranquilize an army! ) If he has been this way his entire life, that would suggest he is a sociopath or has some other profound mental disorder. Either that or he was so abused (and you have mentioned some of that) that he had to unlearn the basic drive to cooperate and reciprocate kindness. If he can unlearn it, he can relearn it, but he has to want to and just asking 'how is this possible?' and thereby implying that it somehow isn't tells me all I need to know about his motivation to actually follow through. He also sounds depressed. Again, just as you need to deal with your kidney failure and you are ultimately responsible for getting your illness under control, so too is he. If he is depressed, lying on a couch all day is not going to bring him out of that, he needs to resolve to address it himself.
 
What Richard wrote about pj now setting you up as the villain in your own child's life had not occurred to me, but he is absolutely right and that just makes this situation all the more frustrating and infuriating to read about.
 
I say damn the lease, get out NOW. But I understand what it is to live in the real world, too, so I know that may not be the wisest choice for you, and ultimately, you are in control and must make your own decisions and deal with the consequences like everyone else.

(Edited to fix more spelling mistakes than I could abide.)

[frankswife]

Cariad

[cariad]

My dear, kids are very resilient. Jareth will be fine. You are the one who is not ready for it. From all you are telling us, I don't understand how Jareth could love him so much anyway since it doesn't sound like they even interacted all that much. Just do it. Don't get bogged down in this as another excuse, please!!!!!

Right on!

GLM, I wouldn't tell him. Just move and take it from there. He may surprise you. My kids have moved a lot and had to say a lot of goodbyes. When my older son left California, I expected him to mourn for his friend - they had after all 'adopted' each other as brothers - but he really did not mention him and seemed to not even remember him very soon after the move. I think the improvements in our lives from the move made up for him not seeing this friend anymore. I doubt we will ever see this child again, but I would not have told Aidan this at the time, and now if I were to say it, he wouldn't care. Just take it as it comes, if he asks where pj is just answer honestly and don't speculate about when you can see him next. Chances are, when you are happier, he won't care so much about seeing this creep.

[cariad]

Oh yes, I'm back yet again because as I was preparing breakfast for the boys it occurred to me that I have been so distracted by all the other madness in this discussion that I failed to comment on the latest bombshell that you've just dropped.

i tried typing step parents and divorce, etc. i keep finding things that say to let the step parent be in the kids life, which is fine and dandy, but i know that is not somethng HE will do... so its not helpful. I know when we leave, he wont have anything to do with jareth....
He had pretty much told me before that if i died he wouldnt, so i know me just leaving he wont... (his reason for saying that he wouldnt want jareth if i died? because he works........... urm, i used to work, 2 jobs and college, and still managed to have my son... so that was just a lame excuse. )

Jesus! First, this man is *not* a step-parent. Sorry, you have to marry to meet that description legally, and act like a dad - a responsible and committed male role model - to meet the description morally. He fails on both counts. Stop, please stop, trying to treat this person like he has any right to Jareth. To treat him as a step-parent is disrespectful to all the actual *wonderful* step-parents out there. My late uncle was one, he adopted my aunt's daughter, mentioned his love for her in a speech he made at his own wedding, and made absolutely sure that when something happened to him, she would not have to worry about anything financial EVER.

GLM, I am completely gobsmacked now. He told you that if you died he wouldn't want anything to do with Jareth? So, you were setting Jareth up to potentially lose his mother and his substitute father at a stroke? I think that's a hell of a lot worse than saying "darling, it turns out that pj was not a good person so we're going to have to say goodbye". Haven't you only been with this person a year or so? PJ is saying that he accepts Jareth because even he recognises that you have some limits and that if he refuses to have anything to do with Jareth *now* you would have dropped him at the outset. He doesn't care about your son, he sees him as a tool to manipulate you. Wow. I am going to have to stop reading this thread because I am starting to become too emotionally invovled in just what in the hell is going on here and I don't think I will be able to come up with anything remotely helpful when I am so furious and bewildered.

The only thing I can say to you that makes sense anymore is stop analyzing and just act.   

[frankswife]

Cariad, you just said every single thing I wanted to say but didn't. Especially about the "stepparent" thing. I was too chicken to say it because I didn't want to be "mean". It's not mean. It's truth and someone had to say it. Bravo. GLM, are you listening? I think another point is, why would you ever think this man would take your child if something happened to you? You're not married. Jareth is not his child. I think cariad is right, it's time to wrap this up now (at least the hashing it over and second guessing him) and ACT. You need to do what you need to do.

[gothiclovemonkey]

your totally right, he isnt a step father, but there really isnt an easy way to word what i was looking for lol i figured that would be closest to the situation... hes been in his life for a bit over a year, and considers him like a step dad, so thats what i was saying, not saying that He is a step father... i just wanted advice on how to talk to jareth, since the man he calls dad is no longer going to be in his life. (i shouldnt have allowed that, i even mentioned i didnt really like the idea of them doing that, until we were sure where we were going with our relationship... but i didnt stick to my guns on it, and let them continue it... )

I think i was misunderstood, too, I didnt mean i expect him to take him if i died TODAY, i was worried about in the distant future, if i were to pass, after hes been in his life for many years, acting as Dad...

i actually told him, when he said that a while ago, that im not interested in being with someone who doesnt want to be there for my son, i want an actual family. Thats when he said that IF we married, and IF i died, that that would be a different story, but as of this moment, he wouldnt... and honestly, i didnt expect that anyone would, we havent been together long enough to even be considering marriage! (in my opinion anyway) He changed what he said, at that point that if we married, and had been together a while, then he might, but he doesnt feel hed make a good single father.

I realized today also, partly from some things said here, that I am a really shitty mom. I should have said something right then, but i didnt. I shouldnt have even put us in this situation to begin with, I thought knowing him for 8 mos was long enough to move in, little did i know he was not being himself though... Had he been honest with me from the begining we wouldnt be in this spot.
I should have done a lot differently, but i cant change that i made this mistake. I just want it to turn out right.
I feel like i have failed so badly as a mom right now... i want the best for him, thats all ive ever wanted. idk why i didnt think to stand up about that in front of him, i guess i felt it would be more upsetting to him, to see me upset. He doesnt like when i get upset... i try to hide that from him, thinking its better, but maybe your right, its not.. How do I know? you know? lol trying to protect him, and im probably doing more harm than good...

i might just leave early anyway, but reguardless i have to pay for april, im sure...
still not sure what im doing as far as where to go either, i mean, i could potentially go back to my dads, but that doesnt really sound like a great idea either, but until i find a place, maybe? idk... tough decisions.

either stay here until i find a new place, or go to dads til i find a new place... neither sound that great, do they?

im sorry ive upset some of you...
its weird, i know all of this is way wrong, if someone else wrote it id be in shock and pissed too, and probably want to break my foot off in her ass, but for some reason i couldnt see that, until it was put out in front of me. im dense.

[gothiclovemonkey]

you know what, i never really thought about that...
that maybe he is using jareth as a tool.

i know when we first started dating, i told pj to think long and hard about going further into our relationship because I do have a son, who will always come first. And he seemed to accept that, until we had our first "heart to heart" when he broke it off the first time, saying that it was too much to have a special needs child. I told him I DO understand that, but dude, i told you to think about that before hand. and it wasnt like I didnt have them around each other many times before we made the big leap of living together, so he knew what he was like...
thats when he said that he didnt thnk he could take care of jareth if i died. I said I dont expect that from him as it is right now, but in the future if we marry, and we have been together for a few years, then id at least expect he wouldnt fall completely out of his life... to at least visit him (AT LEAST) And he said yes of course, thats different...
He never expressed to me that he feels he doesnt need to have an active roll in jareths life, until this week... yet he tells him from the beginning  its ok to call him daddy? (isnt that messed up??)

idk why i didnt catch on to all of this sooner... i mean, its all right there in my face, yet im too damn dense to see it for myself? Wow.. what a fool ive been.

i feel embarrassed and ashamed. and i feel like ive really let my son down... thats the worst part. he deserves so much better.

[MooseMom]

My dear GLM, as I type this, I have tears in my eyes because the now apparent truth truly pains me.

I can't help but come to the conclusion that you are your own worst enemy.

Just about every single post from you on this thread contains the words, "I should have...", "I am a bad...".  You have managed throughout this entire conversation to turn the blame for everything onto yourself.  PJ isn't the problem, rather, YOU are.

You have undermined yourself so thoroughly that you don't need PJ to do it for you.

Instead of believing that it is PJ who should be embarrassed and ashamed, you believe that it is YOURSELF who should be feeling this way.  You feel embarrased and ashamed, you feel that you're a bad mom, you feel that you've let Jareth down, you feel like you should have tried harder, should have been more understanding, should have done better, should have seen it coming sooner, should have been a better person, should have made miracles, should have become omnipotent, should have seen the face of God...  Where does the self immolation stop?

[frankswife]

I don't think anyone here meant to imply you are a shitty mom. ALL parents make mistakes. Kids don't come with instruction mauals! The thing now is, if you cant fix the mistake, at the very least don't compound it. And that's what we are trying to say to you.

[Gerald Lively]

Do you want your boy to turn out like me?  Huh, do ya?  Mean, confrontational, has every desease in the book?  I had parents who didn't like one another and because I came before the wedding, I was the family punching bag.  I made it, sister committed suicide, younger brother was murdered by dad, so they say.  The effects of bad parenting are profound.

Did I scare you?  Sure hope so.  Get your buns outta that house and raise that boy is a reasonable manner.  Where do you live?  I'll take that so-called boyfriend out for free.  Okay, I won't.  I'll tell you how to discourage that Dude, the next time he has his wanger out, get it caught in the zipper and let him fend for himself.

Sound male advise.

[gothiclovemonkey]

if i was ever close to his wanger, i probably would...

yes i am saddened to hear that happened to you... and it does scare me.

[jbeany]

6 out of 8 on the list?  The man has almost every sign of a classic abuser.  The charming demeanor at the beginning is all part and parcel.  Abusers can be charming and sweet when it rewards them, and can turn the charm back on whenever they need it, to get what they want.  It's a head game - so you remember the few good times, and figure they must outweigh the bad ones.  And it's not a big jump from you blaming yourself for the lack of communication to you blaming yourself because he hits you - or your son.  Of course, it may never get that far - why waste the effort to get physical if you keep doing what he wants without saying so much as a word to him?

And to get old school - 8 months is NOT long enough to know where your relationship is going.  8 months MIGHT have been soon enough to actually introduce him to your son.  Alone by yourself is far, far better than being alone with someone else there.  You need to get past your self-esteem issues before you even consider getting involved with anyone again.  The worst thing that happens to abuse victims is they get used to the abuse, and start believing that they must really love the abuser - or why else would they put up with it?

There are plenty of resources out there - get online, go to the library, join a group.  Figure out a way to stop yourself from repeating this.  Do it for yourself and your son.  I'd highly recommend "Why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft - or any of his other books.

None of us on here want to be harsh with you, but it's hard enough for a healthy woman to recognize when she's trapped in this kind of a relationship, and figure out how to get out.  Health problems just add to that burden.  Everyone wants you to be happy, and be in a better situation, so we yell and fuss in the hopes that you believe us just because of the volume!

[RichardMEL]

frankswife & dear cariad - me love you long time!! Very well said. MM you summed up what I was trying to say earlier in far more consise and clear ways - thank you  

GLM - sweetie you are taking the blame for things but the way I see it is when you feel like you've been a bad mom to Jareth for not standing up at the time of this latest insult and stuff... I disagree really Why? All along you have consistently said you have tried to not fight in front of him because you've wanted to protect him. A shitty mother would not be so caring or thoughtful to try and protect their child in my view. Was it right to do that or not - there are many opinions and I do not ever think there is going to be one right or wrong answer and every situation is complicated and different, so it's not like there's a book that can tell you what you should or shouldn't have done. The way *I* see it is you have put your son first in everything you have tried to do.

The fault here is that PJ has, quite skillfully, maniluplated both you, Jareth and the situation to suit his own needs but done it in such an insidious way that you feel  this way!!! That's all part of the manipulation and preying on your own admitted lack of self esteeem and self-worth/confidence. It's also WRONG.

The other thought that occurs to me is that yes kids are resiliant... but let's not forget as much as you have tried to shield Jareth from things, even without PJ's direct comments to him, he would have KNOWN from the vibe and people's acting something was going on and it wasn't good. I don't need to know him to know that. He's not a baby, and while he may be a "special needs" kid, he's clearly developed enough to understand many things. Sure, higher level stuff maybe not, but anyone can pick a virtual black cloud hanging over a room from the atmosphere and what he views going on on a day to day level. Anyway that's kind of moot because PJ has opened up this directly by telling Jareth that you're thinking of leaving him, and putting the thought in his mind.

I don't know how comfortable you feel sitting down with Jareth and directly discussing the issue with him or in ways he can relate to maybe focus on things like "You don't want mom to be unhappy do you?" which I know is manipulation too, but I see it as kinder because again, he isn't stupid and he would know you're unhappy. Youc an try and hide direct fighting and arguments and stuff from kids, but youc an't hide your own "vibe" and your demeanour which contains a lot of subconscious things like the way you move or even what you don't say vs what you do say, or almost subliminal cues like body language, folding arms in a defensive manner, etc etc. People including kids pick up on this stuff on a subconscious level so know when things are not good. They may not understand it on a conscious level (or they may) but I bet you anything Jareth knows and if he didn't know before he sure as hell does now thanks to PJ's calculated suggestion.

[RichardMEL]

This guy is really starting to sound a couple eggrolls short of a pu-pu platter.

Sadly no. If he wasn't all there he wouldn't have the ability or desire to make calculated and measured CHOICES to use Jareth the way he did, while also manipulating GLM's emotions in a pretty skillful way the way he has. The Joker has nothing on this guy.

In many ways he ACTS like he's not all there, but he's shown self awareness and as I wrote the ability to be abusive on an emotional level that is up there with the best of them (sadly).

and damn it's lunchtime and I'm now hungry!!! 

[Speedy1wrc]

Can't say anything that hasn't been said already.

Oh, by the way if you haven't noticed, an awful lot of people are looking out for your welfare...except the one who is at the center of this controversy.

[lmunchkin]

None of us on here want to be harsh with you, but it's hard enough for a healthy woman to recognize when she's trapped in this kind of a relationship, and figure out how to get out.  Health problems just add to that burden.  Everyone wants you to be happy, and be in a better situation, so we yell and fuss in the hopes that you believe us just because of the volume!

You are really in a difficult situation now, GLM!  As Jbeany said, it would be hard for a healthy person to get out of this situation not to mention your health issues to boot!  I got to tell you, when I was young & lost, I had no where to go and had no idea where I was going to live with a young baby.  I was scared because I had not only myself but a child.  So what I did is stayed with drug attick friends till I got on a list for section 8 housing.
Once my number was called, I moved in the first one available.  It was a dump, but it was ours.  We lived there 16yrs.  It was the best place at that time.  I fixed it up real nice.  It was our home & not ashamed to say I lived there with my daughter.

This is what you need to do too.  They may not be the best neighborhoods, but you don't have to be out in the neighborhood if it is rough.  Most of the time, we stayed in the apt. and would have people over or we would go somewhere else.  But it was OURS. 

I agree that you will be better off living alone with your son.  We all make mistakes!  Just forgive yourself & let it go & move on for Jared sake.  Use every resourse you can to pull this off.  I don't know if it was you or someone else, that had a step-mother who made things rough for you.  I beleive it was you looking into affordable housing then, but not sure!

Just start all over again.  You can do this GLM, and do not look back!  He is not for you and I think You know that!  You are in a very tough situation, but you can do this.  And please, when you get settled again, be more particular with whom you let in your life.  Not just for Jared, but You too!  Not everyone is meant to have someone.  Sometimes peace & happiness is found in our loneliness.  Its not a Bad thing, in fact, quiite the opposite, Its A Blessing!

Not that marriage is not, but not everyone is meant for marriage.  I wasnt married those 16 years we lived in the projects.  I married a second time while there, but had it annulled.  He showed his true colors within 2 weeks. His ass was gone.  But I blamed myself for being intoxicated and foolish at that time.  It did help me to grow up some and realize that I put my child in jeopardy there, so I just got rid of him.

I certainly can't give advise here, but can telll you, I HAVE BEEN IN YOUR SHOES, as far as concerning a place to live with a child.  Been there and done that.  I truly believe that things happen for a reason.  There is a reason this is coming to a Head, now what will you do?  You know he is not good for you and your son, that is a fact.  Figure out how to get him out or leave.  I will be praying for you Glm.  You can do this, you did it before, just find a way again.

May God give you strength & wisdom through this. 

lmunchkin