can someone please give me some "male insight" or something LOL

[gothiclovemonkey]

maybe its because im a woman that i just dont understand him... idk. i never had that much trouble understanding the guys i used to date... they were easy to understand. they were also losers hahahha

So now im dating this guy, and hes great, we have been together for over a year now.. some of you know about the struggles we have had. i wont recap all of that.
After all of that crap we went through, and we broke up twice... nay, he dumped me twice, and took it back right after... I thought I had a clearer understanding of what makes him tick. I started to accept some of the things that were bothering me about him. I thought that everything was going great.
Now, Im just not sure. I mean, I know that I do care for him deeply, and I want this to work. But sometime I really dont know that feeling is truly mutual. Even though he says it is...
I wonder if I just imagine how it should be, and since its not, thats what confuses me?
if i took the advice from my friends, id be single forever LOL maybe they think i deserve better, but is better really out there? I mean, who can honestly live up to someones expectations like that? You of course want the best for a friend, or family member, so if they fall short of perfect, they arent going to be good enough...
I know all relationships have problems. I do know that. And thats why im holding on to hope. Thats why i can accept his shortcomings. But, i guess I just wonder if im holding on to something thats going to eventually let go. How do I know?
Hes told me he doesnt care if we are together as a couple, or just friends. Hes broken up with me twice, saying he cant handle this. hes not ready, etc. but then takes it back saying he loves me and wants to be with me...
and i have twice gotten the feeling that something just wasnt right, i mention it, he acts surprised and says No, nothing... I swear. Then I find out differently. (this time, it was one of my "friends" messaging him behind my back some seriously inappropriate things, and trying to get him to meet up without me! And he didnt think i should knwo about that??!?!)
i dont nag him, i dont ever get mad...
today i AM mad though.
Last night, i was heading to bed, because i have to get up early to get my son off to school. He says dont worry about it, i got it. I said, are you sure? he said yes. so i went to bed, and i woke up at 830 in major pain, stumbled to the other room to take some motrin, and heard my sons voice... i started walking to the lving room and my bf asks me why jareth isnt in school...................... uhm, you said you would get him off. "oh... im sorry babe, im sorry. im sorry" I didnt even say a word. He asks if im mad at him,  NO dear, I am Mad at MYSELF for believing you. so i helped my son get ready for school and gave him his meds, and im struggling to get around because i hurt so bad, what does my bf do? goes to bed... so I have take him to school, sign him in and all that... Why tell me you will take care of getting him off to school, if you arent going to? and then when you realize whats going on, you dont even offer to take him??
He does stuff like that often. Oh, honey dont worry about cleaning up the mess i just made, ill do it later... here we are a week later, the table is still sticky. Last night, the dog tears into the trash, i said Bad doggy, I have to pee so i run into the bathroom, while hes saying "thats what happens when we dont give him enough attention" I go on to the bathroom, so i dont pee myself, thinking maaaaaaaaaybe hed pick up the mess.... nope, its still there after i get out, so i clean it up. I said, why didnt you pick that up? He said he didnt see it... really? really?? bulll shit.
what in the heck am i supposed to do or think?

[geoffcamp]

FOLLOW YOUR BRAIN NOT YOUR HEART!!!  Trust me. I've been there. It sounds like he is not a partner to you but a burden. Sometimes it's better to be single and handle your responsibilities because then your aware and will not be disappointed. As a man reading your post throws up a lot of red flags. Acting as he is sounds like he is still not quite an adult ready to handle business as a couple. He sounds very selfish. I'm 43 and single because I simply will not allow anyone to take advantage of my heart. It sounds like he lives with you from the post if that is true he may just be sponging off you for a place to live. Does he pay at least half of your bills?  If not then I'm 99% sure of that. I know we as men do not show our emotions the same way women do but I see a lot of signs he is not ready for a committed relationship. Granted I have only read this post and I don't know the other side of the story but if I were in your shoes I would go out for a walk or a sit in the park with him and have a serious talk about your expectations and if he is able to meet them. I have to say he does not sound ready at this time. Of course I'm a very biased. I've had a lot of issues with relationships. I'm NOT one to give many chances. If I give a second chance it's unusual and NEVER EVER would I give a third chance.  It's just not smart because I already got the message. I think you have seen his true feelings. So now it's up to you to decide. Good luck I hope you find a way to be happy. G.

[MooseMom]

Men leave trails.

I love my husband and he loves me, but he leaves trails.

I know where he's been and what he's been doing simply by observing the rubbish he's left in his wake.

I'll ask, "How is it possible that you don't see the empty soda cans/general detritus?"

I've "gently suggested" that what I see is a man who leaves crap around because he just assumes some little woman will be tidying up behind him.  I know he doesn't want me to think that of him, but damn, he still leaves trails.

I've remarked that he couldn't possibly have an affair unbeknownst to me because he'd leave evidence lying around the house.  LOL!

So when your bf claims that he didn't "see" the dog-made mess, I'd believe it.

We all have to live with out partner's shortcomings because no one is perfect.  But you have to decide which shortcomings you are willing to live with.

How do you imagine that it "should" be?

If you dare, ask him what he believes he gets out of your relationship.  His answer might guide you.

[gothiclovemonkey]

He actually does contribute finacially, and hes always trying to find ways to get money, if we need to. hes even pawned his prize possession this month, the make sure we have groceries. I know he does care about me. maybe even loves me as much as he says he does... 
I did talk to him today, and like ive said before, the man is just not right....
He says he knows he does these things, he doesnt know why, he doesnt think before he does something, and since I very rarely tell him when I am upset or angy, he thinks its ok. I said I shouldnt have to tell you that is not ok, that I think would be something you would know (this was actually reguarding something I didnt post about, but it should be very obvious to anyone that its not ok to do.) He did agree that now that hes thought about it, he can understand why i got so upset, and felt like he didnt care.
My biggest problem with all of this, if you know that you are doing something I wouldnt like, why in the heck would you take advantage of the fact that I dont nag or scream or yell or start fights? you would think you would appreciate someone more who doesnt act like that?!
He said hes used to dating agressive women, and i am submissive. Its like he needs a mommy figure to tell him whats right and wrong.... Im not sure I can do that. He said he was sorry, and hes going to try.
Ive heard that before, though so we will see.
It just seems we take care of one issue, another, even more ridiculous one comes up. So I do feel and wonder if hes not doing it on purpose, to see how far he can go... like a toddler would........

I hear that a lot, people only give a second chance, and even thats impossible to get... But people make mistakes and its not anything huge (that im aware of anyway ahaha)

He finally did open up to me a little, so that does help a lot. I stil dont understand him, i doubt i ever fully do, but im trying to be understanding. I know hes had it kind of rough...
im giving this yet another chance. I know I said last time was the last time, but this is a whole different issue now... it makes it hard just to walk away, when ive never told him directly that it bothers me. maybe he really is just that dense???

[gothiclovemonkey]

MM-
What I picture for a relationship, is someone who is a partner, not selfish (he even admits hes too selfish) and someone who is by your side. Someone who doesnt make false promises, follows through with something they say they will do. 100% from both parties... and occasional romance would be nice, and i mean occasional, im not a romantic person myself, but once in a while , just because, can go a really long way. sometimes i do feel like a glorified roommate...
we both have some issues, so its no surprise we have trouble communicating, and we are working on it.... its just frustrating.
love is so damn complicated. it certainly is easier to be single. but i want it to work!

[Speedy1wrc]

A relationship is just that, a relationship. An agreement betwen two people to give and take in a mutually beneficial manner. If one person constantly takes too much or the other is constantly giving then the relationship is out of balance or ceases to exist altogether. Likewise the relationship must be worthwhile to both in some manner or form.

Based solely on what you wrote above, I am guessing you are the giver and he is the taker. You need to achieve balance somehow. That doesn't mean taking a list of chores and splitting it down th middle, rather taking that list of chores and dividing it in a way that works for both of you. Whether it be chores or responsibilities, or even signs of affection, it's gotta work for both of you.

Since he seems to do whatever he pleases I suppose he is happy as a clam. What will it take for you to be happy? Sit down with crayon in hand and make a list of what you need. Then sit down with him and have a heart to heart. It might have a negative effect, but then it was going to happen anyway. If it's not working now, things can only go up.

No more of this "No nothing" anymore. To achieve balance you BOTH need to communicate. You need to be able to express your feelings to him and he needs to open up and you both need to explicitly trust each other. You can make a relationship work, but you can't force it to work.

[gothiclovemonkey]

i agree with you speedy,
of course hes happy, and sees nothing wrong, because i try to keep him happy, and rarely express that something has bothered me, for fear it would make him unhappy. I never really knew that until today. I mean, deep  down i knew i was silent when i should speak up, but for some reason i think i just assumed hed know that im unhappy about it... like he can read minds?! But I figure that some of that would be known to all though. Like, what woman would want you hanging out with an ex behind her back? NONE. Be upfront and honest about it, and maybe, but behind the back just makes you look guilty... (that type of senario, things you would assume everyone would know isnt right...I keep thinking, my goodness man, you are not that stupid!)

Yes. sometimes i do feel like i give and give and give, and that he takes more than he gives. but i dont place the blame entiredly on him. i have never had a voice, ive always been a pushover, so basically for over a year, ive been letting things slide that i really shouldnt, and so he doesnt know that im not happy or that hes hurt me. Now he knows, and he swears hes going to work on it. And i have to work on telling him WHEN it happens,so he knows.

He knows hes lazy, and selfish, and I know know it, and i do accept it to an extent, but this week seemed to be way worse than it has ever been. He said looking back on it, he realizes that he was not being nice at all,actually being a real jerk,  and that he was being disrespectful to both my son and i, and he didnt mean to be that way, but hes stressed right now. and hes going to work on it. He asked that I be a bit more firm when asking him to do things, like taking out the trash.
its all learning, i know that, and its give and take. but sometimes i feel like im not good enough, and then i worry thats why he acts the way he does. he says all he ever wants is to make me happy, thats why he says he will do something, but he doesnt follow through because hes too lazy... i said id rather you not say your going to do something, if your not... saves me the worry *shrug*

I really dont understand people in general. I know im not like most women, i dont get mad very easily, and when i do, i rarely state it. I joke a lot that I need some B**** training, but really I do. Most women would have already kicked him to the curb, but hes not all bad. Not by any means, hes actually a good guy beneath it all, but the selfish, childlike, and lazy come out a little toooo often. and when hes stressed, he tends to become a jerk, but he opened up to me today about something that made me understand that a little better...

[Deanne]

I think it might help if you resist the urge to say nothing and just act in the future. Instead of reacting, stop and think. Then try to calmly get him back on track. For instance, if this type of thing happens again

Last night, i was heading to bed, because i have to get up early to get my son off to school. He says dont worry about it, i got it. I said, are you sure? he said yes. so i went to bed, and i woke up at 830 in major pain, stumbled to the other room to take some motrin, and heard my sons voice... i started walking to the lving room and my bf asks me why jareth isnt in school...................... uhm, you said you would get him off. "oh... im sorry babe, im sorry. im sorry" I didnt even say a word. He asks if im mad at him,  ...

Change your response. Instead of "I didn't even say a word," tell him "Yes, I'm angry. You promised to do this and you let me down. My son is late for school now, so you'd better get moving." No shouting, no fuss, no muss. I think it might be hard for you to do it at first, but it might open the way for a more honest relationship where he knows what you expect from him.

You can't control someone else, but you can control your actions and responses when they screw up. Your actions and responses have potential to help him change his behavior, assuming he wants to change. It might also just be that he's a little boy in a man's body who's only saying he wants to change to appease you. It might be worth a try to change your responses to see how he responds. If it doesn't work, it could at least answer your question about what your future with him might look like.

[gothiclovemonkey]

you know, i wasnt even all that mad at him for falling asleep, at first... but when i asked if he could take him to school, he said he didnt know what to do, so i told him you just take him to the office, and he went to bed........... he didnt say anything he just got up and went to bed.
i asked later why he did that, he said he didnt want to take him to school.
 

[Speedy1wrc]

He didn't want to take him to school?

Really? You are kidding right?

[gothiclovemonkey]

exact words. I asked him what was up with this morning? He said "I didnt want to take him" ......
Knowing I could barely move, im in so much freakin pain, the whole reason he even told me to sleep in today in the first place. and when he fell asleep, causing jareth to over sleep, causing him to not be ready for the bus, and I didnt wake up til nearly an hour later, he didnt want to take him, so he went into the bedromm while i was assisting jareth in getting ready and giving him his meds, and went to bed.

[Speedy1wrc]

Sounds like he has GAS...Give a S*&T attitude.

You don't need someone to tell you what's right or wrong or what needs to be done. You don't just do what you want to do. As a responsible adult you just do what you need to do. Then you don't make excuses on the back side.

I am very sure you don't want to go to dialysis, but you do because you you know it's important to take care of yourself.

You have one child to take care of, you don't need two.

[Deanne]

You said he's great. In what ways is he great?

This makes him sound self-centered. I was in a relationship with a self-centered guy once. He was funny and sweet. We used to have a lot of fun together and i was sure we'd be together forever. however, he never  had a problem saying "no" when I asked for help, even if I only wanted five minutes of his time when he was playing a computer game. I realized i didn't have room in my life for someone who constantly let me down when i needed him. Your boyfriend sounds somewhat similar.

[geoffcamp]

After reading some more here I can see more of a pattern. I think (in my best Dr Phil voice) that you both really care for each other. I also think he seems to be a mommy's boy. I'm not sure that is what you need or want. I can relate to a point with him as I am close to my mom and I'm the type of guy who feeds off what my partner wants. That's where he seems to fall short. Had it been me, I would have felt so bad not getting your son to school I would have got up cleaned cooked and did whatever it took to help you out of my mistake. It the good old days LOL a mans word meant something. It still does to me. But many men I know just say what women want to hear. It's easy after you screw up to act good and talk your way out!  It's the action that counts. If you can not rely on him to do things he says he will do then that is a problem. Talking is easy, put up or shut up is my motto. I know how very very hard it is when you find someone to let your needs slide. I did it for 6 years in a relationship. We both knew things were not right. It sounds to me you know it's not right for you. The longer you wait the harder it will be when it ends. My GF just picked up and moved out one day. She was and is to this day a selfish person. I'm certain especially since there is a child involved you do not want to have this happen. I have to tell you the Facebook thing alone would have made me send him packing until he decides to get his act together. I appreciate he put money into the house hold. But pawning things is not the correct way. He seems again to me to be a man-child. It concerns me what messages your son is getting from him and what it is to be a man. As I said before this is my male take on this. I FIRMLY believe my word is my bond. If I tell someone I will do something you can bet your ass it will be done period end of story. He seems to have missed this man trait somehow. Talk is cheap it's all in the actions and follow thru. With age comes wisdom. Trust me I've been in your shoes. It really took a big piece of me when she up and left. I see this in him. When it gets hard or he doesn't "feel" like doing something he acts like a child and does not care because its easier to take the talking to later and do whatever he wants. I think you already know where this is heading, it's just a matter of how long you want to draw it out. I hope I'm wrong trust me I do but I'm seeing it pretty clear from the outside information you are posting. If you want to be his mother than realize that is how you have to treat him. But there will be a day he grows up and resents that you treat him like that. And there is the problem. When he finally does grow up and he is not interested in being mothered you are left in a bad situation. You asked for a male opinion. I'm sorry to be blunt but he is not ready for what you need or want. It's causing you more stress than good. If it is meant to be my opinion is cut him loose. If he comes back and can show he has grown up then and only then could things work out. I'm sorry to say that but a swift kick in the ass might just be the thing that gets him on the right track. I'm in a similar situation. I broke it off because I didn't see a future that would meet my needs. She has since come back said all the right things but I'm closely watching her actions. So we will see if in my situation if there will be a future. But I cut her off quickly the first go around to avoid the inevitable pain and work it takes to make someone into something they aren't. Your an adult with responsibilities I think you should think long and hard if this is how you want your life to be. If not cut him loose. And see what happens. Be honest. Tell him why and explain what you want but stick to your guns. When you make up your mind plan it out and work your plan. It angers me quite a bit when men act like when they promise or say they will do something then just turn around and don't. It makes men like me who firmly believe that my word is all anyone should need look bad. Again I wish you the best and all this is based on the posts I've read here so I could be totally misjudging things. But I feel I'm on the right track. G.

[gothiclovemonkey]

In what ways is he great... Yes he does sound like your situation you speak of...
He is very self centered, and acts like its the end of the world when I ask  him to do simple things for me.
you ask in what ways is he great, and i really dont have an answer. maybe because im too frustrated right now. idk

one good thing i dont have to really worry about, my son is my son, not his.

i believe your word is most important, so it really does bother me that it isnt that way with him. it makes me not able to trust what he tells me. between false promises and lies, i rarely believe much he says....

so i guess this isnt normal male behavior?

[bennyswife]

I'm new to this site so I really don't know you and probably shouldn't be giving you advice but anyway,  DUMP HIM.  Sounds like a looser to me!

[amanda100wilson]

I've read previous posts by you, and you sound lonely and needy for a good relationship.  I don't see this as and fault on ypur part, as you seem tomhave had a tough time when it has come to any relationships, including ones woth your immediate family.  youalso sound very insecure, and again, I am not saying is in a judgmental way, just as an observation.  Saying that, you do 't need to be in a relationship just to fulfill this needs, if it is lacking in other ways.  No-o e is perfect, we,all have our shortcomings but your boyfriend sounds lazy and self-centered,  oh, and thoughtless.  it doesn't sound as if you will ever,get any form of committment from him; he sounds too immature for that.  the fact that you,have broken up twice, indicates to me that this is unlikely to be a lng-term relationship.  I feel that youmshould extricate yourself from this relationship sooner rather than later.  I am sure that you will find the right person, but even if you don't, I think that it,is better to,be,alone, than be stuck in a relationship with the wrong person.

 

[Speedy1wrc]

NO, the way he acts is NOT normal male behavior.

[frankswife]

For what it's worth, I have read your earlier posts and I agree with amanda100. It sounds like this guy really wants out but wants you to be the one to break it off because he cant deal with the fallout. I'd give him what he wants to see if he really wants it. I know it's really hard to do, but try it. Give him the boot. Maybe he'll realize what he has. If not he didnt want to be there anyway, and is that what YOU want?

[MooseMom]

I've just realized that my 21 year old autistic son acts more maturely, responsibly and compassionately than your bf.

[Gerald Lively]

You want a male perspective?  Lose the Dude.

At the risk of being sexist, many women assume the dependence role in a relationship.  Insecure males tend to take advantage of that and now, you are suffering because you have done this. Better to be alone than suffer the slings and arrows of a dysfunctional relationship based on "hope".  Quite frankly, you sound very much like an abused women, always looking for an excuse for the bad in a man. 

Get rid of this guy, keep your eyes open for Mr. Right; he is out there somewhere.

Uh, that is my male perspective.

[gothiclovemonkey]

I really appreciate everyones input.

i dont take offense to the things that you guys said at all and I do agree with most of it, but i do want to clarify a few things
i AM insecure, obviously. I have always been insecure and unsure of myself. BUT i have also learned that I am not dependent on anyone. I CAN do it alone, i have before. And I dont think that I am settling because of those reason, but because I do have major feelings for him. I learned a hard lesson year ago, with my sons father, who was physically mean to me, and mentally... It took me 3 years of that crap to realize he was a jerk (ya, i know... i was making excuses for the jerk, and sadly, i still do) I have always tried to see the good in anyone, even if there isnt any. Its a fault, i suppose. I do that with everyone in my life, family, friends, love interests... always have. there are many people in my life that continually do stuff i shouldnt let slide and i do, and im working on that. ive never been one to confront my issues. i tend to hold it all in. (i know that isnt healthy)

Before him, I hadnt been in any serious relationship for about 4 years, and quite frankly i didnt want one either lol they are just too much work, and i like being alone. But, i met him and i really liked him and thought, why not give it a try. So I do know that im not staying out of fear of being alone, and I am not so needy that id stay with him for that. Besides, we are absolutely not romantic  at all. (if you catch my drift) we are more like roommates...

I tend to find the biggest losers to date, and this may sound really bad, but hes the best bf ive ever had... if that tells you anything. Ive always walked away after a while of dealing with the stupidity that is my exes. and I started to wonder, am I being too picky? is it me? that type of stuff... Maybe im walking too soon. Thats what my hand up is.

I know that you guys are most likely right, but i feel like if i just walk away, im giving up on him... love isnt easy, or so im told, so am i giving up too soon? am i walking away when I should be standing by my man? I truly believe thats why the divorce rate is so high, people give up way to soon. But on the other hand, when is enough enough?  Its so hard to know, you know?

And lastly, it was mentioned that I should dump him and see if its what he wants. I did that a few months ago, kind of... I asked him if its what he wants. We actually decided that we would be friends, but then a few hours later he tells me that he wants to be with me, he loves me and wants to be my bf... asking to give it another try.
I dont doubt that he has feelings for me. Hes admitted to me several times, he thought he was ready to be with me, and my son, but that he isnt. hes not used to having to bother with anyone else. but he wants to. and i do think that he tries, he just fails miserably. But, like someone said, maybe im making excuses for him... its possible.
Its just sooo hard to know!!!
I know i need to have a talk with him about everything, but as ive mentioned in other threads, he doesnt like to talk, so we rarely get anywhere. He just keeps saying im sorry ill work on it, or im sorry your right, etc. and he does for a while, but then its right back to the old ways.

I know what I have to do, i do. But now I have to figure out how. i just wish I knew for sure that im not walking too soon... how do you know???

[Deanne]

I think the time is right when you know for yourself that its a decision that you can live with for yourself - I guess when the thoughts of "I'm glad I did it" outweigh the thoughts of "I hope I didn't make a mistake." I don't think anyone can tell you when you're ready. I hear that this is a difficult struggle for you. 

I think I remember from your earlier posts that you don't have a wide support group outside of your boyfriend. This might be making your decision even more difficult. For me, it helped to gradually move away emotionally by developing relationships with other friends. I started to see that those other friends were available when I needed them. This widened the gap in my old relationship even more and finally, I just wasn't interested in his statements of "but I love you" because it was all just talk. There was no "I love you" action behind the words. Maybe it'd be the same for you if you're able to build up other friendships.

 

[gothiclovemonkey]

thats the thing, hes not really a support either. so its not a reason to stay with him... im the one who does the cooking, the cleaning, and hes definitely not there emotionally... so that isnt my hang up.

[Willis]

OK, a male perspective. This may sound sexist but I don't care. In most cases it's in the male nature to be the provider and protector. A real man is reliable and honorable. He doesn't just leave on a whim or in a huff and let those who might depend on him to fend for themselves. A real man keeps his commitments. No one is perfect. We all make mistakes. But a real man owns up to his mistakes and isn't going to keep making the same "mistakes" over and over. If that happens they are no longer mistakes unless that man is just plain stupid. How stupid? Well just consider that even a dog will learn not to piss on his owner's leg. Otherwise, such poor behavior is just a display of immaturity, unfaithfulness, and selfishness. These are the traits of a child and not of a man. Such a man needs a mommy and likely will never make a good partner to anyone unless he grows up.