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Author Topic: can someone please give me some "male insight" or something LOL  (Read 15876 times)
cariad
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What's past is prologue

« Reply #125 on: March 27, 2013, 03:25:58 PM »

It's so hard but it definitely won't feel this horrible for long. It will get better, you know that. I find keeping as busy as possible is the only remedy for heartbreak that works pretty well. Wish there were more we could do.
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jbeany
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Cattitude

« Reply #126 on: March 27, 2013, 03:38:10 PM »

im never doing this again

Please keep this thought in mind - and qualify it with the idea that you will never have to leave someone because he isn't a good person and isn't good to you or your son - EVER AGAIN. 

I'd tell you to be strong, but you already are.

 :grouphug;
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"Asbestos Gelos"  (As-bes-tos yay-lohs) Greek. Literally, "fireproof laughter".  A term used by Homer for invincible laughter in the face of death and mortality.

MaryD
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« Reply #127 on: March 27, 2013, 03:49:34 PM »

 :grouphug;
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RichardMEL
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« Reply #128 on: March 27, 2013, 04:59:14 PM »

touch choice but hopefully in the long run a good one for ALL involved.

GLM when you say you're "never doing this again" - never doing what exactly?

Obviously I'm not sure if something further has happened to trigger this "event" or it's all come to a head or what, but given April is next week... I think it's something you had to do for you. Doesn't make it easy of course, and I know you care that he's hurting as much as you, but what you "had" or thought you had was clearly broken and very badly.

Let the healing begin. It will take time. It won't be easy it will scab up and probably bleed a few times and it sure as hell will NOT be easy to keep the resolve while you are still there in that house.. but you need to stay firm to the choices made and the direction you are headed in.
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3/1993: Diagnosed with Kidney Failure (FSGS)
25/7/2006: Started hemo 3x/week 5 hour sessions :(
27/11/2010: Cadaveric kidney transplant from my wonderful donor!!! "Danny" currently settling in and working better every day!!! :)

BE POSITIVE * BE INFORMED * BE PROACTIVE * BE IN CONTROL * LIVE LIFE!
frankswife
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« Reply #129 on: March 27, 2013, 05:56:47 PM »

 :grouphug;
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gothiclovemonkey
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« Reply #130 on: April 29, 2013, 03:00:30 PM »

I know that many of you will probably be mad at me for this... im sorry if i disappoint you .

I decided to give him another chance....
while i was waiting for the lease to go through so i could leave, he really showed me that he wants to try. When I was in the hospital, and when I came home, he did sooo much for me, and hes continuing to show me that hes willing to try. 

That being said though, I am taking my time, and im not going to invest as much of myself until im sure that this isnt just some moment of fake? . Maybe he just needed to see that I wouldnt put up with it anymore... I talked to his mom, and she thinks so. She said hes very stubborn, and he was very upset over everything, and that sometimes he does things without thinking. I also spoke with an ex gf of his.
I will not be signing another lease with him, so that im not "stuck" in any way.

I really appreciate everything everyone here has said, and still completely agree with it all, but I do love him, and the improvements he has made already are huge. Even with how him and Jareth interact. (So much so that when jareth went to visit his grandpa, and came home he ran to PJ first! lol) If this continues, I have no doubt that I have made the right decision. And I hope it does. While I do have my reservations about it, and I will be catious, I really do think this opened us up a lot.

One of the problems we had was totally me, I should have told him what was so upsetting to me from the start, instead of bottling it. How can he fix something he doesnt know isnt broken? Hes really stepped up.

Again, I hope you all arent too disappointed in me, I love you all, and really do appreciate everything you do for me. Please dont hate me!
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"Imagine how important death must be to have a prerequisite such as life" Unknown
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Angiepkd
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« Reply #131 on: April 29, 2013, 08:02:38 PM »

You have to do what you think is best for you and your son!  If you think he is changing for the better, then give him that chance to prove he can do it.  No one can judge you for following your heart.  Just be careful not to let him fall back into the old habits and routines.  Relationships are hard work, and health issues place additional stress on you both.  Keep being open and honest with him about your feelings.  Sometimes men really don't know what we need from them unless we tell them (nicely, of course)!  Things that we think they "should know" without being told aren't obvious to them.  My husband would do anything for me, but I still have to tell him how to help me.  He is usually glad he doesn't have to try and read my mind lol!  I sincerely hope it works out for you!  Keep us posted.
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PKD diagnosis at 17
Cancer May 2011, surgery and no further treatment but placed on 2 year wait for transplant
October 2011 first fistula in left wrist
April 2012 second fistula in upper arm, disconnect of wrist
January 2013, stage 5 ESRD
March 2013 training with NxStage home hemo
April 2013 at home with NxStage
April 2013 fistula revision to reduce flow
May 2013 advised to have double nephrectomy, liver cyst ablation and hernia repair. Awaiting insurance approval to begin transplant testing. Surgery in June.
June 2013 bilateral nephrectomy.
August 2013 finishing testing for transplant, 4 potential donors being tissue typed.
January 2014 husband approved to donate kidney for me
March 4th 2014 received transplant from awesome hubby. Named the new bean FK (fat kidney) lol!  So far we are doing great!
cariad
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What's past is prologue

« Reply #132 on: April 30, 2013, 01:35:22 AM »

Again, I hope you all arent too disappointed in me, I love you all, and really do appreciate everything you do for me. Please dont hate me!
Girl, please work on your self-esteem. (This is me pleading with you! ---------> :pray;)

No one is going to "hate" you for living your life as best you can. The fact that you're even concerned about this is worrying.
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Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a great battle. - Philo of Alexandria

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frankswife
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« Reply #133 on: April 30, 2013, 08:22:36 AM »

Oh dear.
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MooseMom
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« Reply #134 on: April 30, 2013, 08:30:26 AM »

Girl, please work on your self-esteem. (This is me pleading with you! ---------> :pray;)

No one is going to "hate" you for living your life as best you can. The fact that you're even concerned about this is worrying.

Exactly, cariad!

I may well be overthinking this, but this worries me, too.  That you told us about your decision and are concerned that we might be disappointed in you makes me wonder why you told us in the first place.  It makes me wonder if you need us to come on and post reassuring and reinforcing messages.  And THIS makes me wonder if you are not really confident in your decision and need us to validate your reasoning.

It is your life, your son's life and your decision.  Our disappointment, if there is any, should not matter.  We are quite irrelevant.

Good luck to all three of you!  I'm hoping that you both will work to try to improve your communication skills.  :thumbup;
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"Eggs are so inadequate, don't you think?  I mean, they ought to be able to become anything, but instead you always get a chicken.  Or a duck.  Or whatever they're programmed to be.  You never get anything interesting, like regret, or the middle of last week."
MaryJoe
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« Reply #135 on: April 30, 2013, 01:31:08 PM »

Oh goth, really?  Do you  think anyone at IHD would desert you now?  I think you can rest assured that while some may disagree with your decision, no one is going to hate you or be mad at you.

I think cariad and MooseMom are spot on.  If you've thouroughly considered Jareth's welfare in this decision, then follow your heart.   :cuddle;
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gothiclovemonkey
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« Reply #136 on: April 30, 2013, 04:21:26 PM »

I think highly of many of you here and i value our friendship, so why wouldnt i worry that id upset or disappoint you?!? Thats not self esteem, that is  consideration of te people who i came to in my time of need for advice... at least i think...
you all mean a lot more to me than i could possibly express. and while i know all of this was soley my choice, i still value my friends advice and opinions.

Of course I have taken my son in to consideration with this decision, and thats actually one of the main things ive seen a huge change in. They are getting along great, having fun together, AND my bf actually woke up and turned my alarm off to get my son off to school so i could sleep in. it was a nice surprise.
things have been great since we initially broke up (granted i was in the hospital for 2 weeks...) hes really stepped up and while theres still a few things i know will take time, im really hoping that this lasts, and isnt just a moment of trying. I figure we really dont have anything to lose giving it one last try... and i wont be stuck under a lease if something does come to pass that changes this.
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"Imagine how important death must be to have a prerequisite such as life" Unknown
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MooseMom
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« Reply #137 on: April 30, 2013, 04:26:38 PM »

You know we care about you and just want to see you and your son happy.  It's really hard to give good advice and to share wisdom on a website.  Only you can make the best decision possible for you and your son.  I hope you and your bf find your way to happy times.  It sounds promising! 
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"Eggs are so inadequate, don't you think?  I mean, they ought to be able to become anything, but instead you always get a chicken.  Or a duck.  Or whatever they're programmed to be.  You never get anything interesting, like regret, or the middle of last week."
gothiclovemonkey
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« Reply #138 on: April 30, 2013, 06:20:20 PM »

thank you
i really hope so too! As i say, hope for the best, prepare for the worst. I do that for all aspects of life. (perhaps im pessimistic? but i dont think its a bad approach!)

and im sure once i get into therapy, things will come more naturally to me, speaking up about things i need to and such
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"Imagine how important death must be to have a prerequisite such as life" Unknown
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cariad
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What's past is prologue

« Reply #139 on: May 01, 2013, 02:13:51 AM »

I think highly of many of you here and i value our friendship, so why wouldnt i worry that id upset or disappoint you?!? Thats not self esteem, that is  consideration of te people who i came to in my time of need for advice... at least i think...
you all mean a lot more to me than i could possibly express. and while i know all of this was soley my choice, i still value my friends advice and opinions.
OK, I'm going to try to answer this carefully, but I am due to meet up with friends in a bit so sort of pressed for time.

GLM, you posted a message begging members not to hate you. Don't you think hating someone over a decision to get back together with a boyfriend would be a bit over the top? It's not like this really has any impact on our lives at all. Disappointment, yes, I can see that that would be a possibility, but again, our opinions really shouldn't matter that much. If you found out that most of us were disappointed, would you really do anything different, or honestly, would you instead be annoyed that we didn't understand?

I can only go by what you wrote, and what you wrote displayed what I would call an irrational fear that people here are judging you and that you are so insignificant to us that we would hate you over your decision to give your boyfriend another chance. That says low self-esteem to me, that you don't have the confidence in yourself to make your own decisions. I can tell you that I never worried that my friends would hate me over this sort of personal decision. If second (third, fourth, millionth) chances didn't exist, there would be no 10-year wedding anniversaries. The trick is to know when someone deserves that chance, and when they really don't. You've made the best decision you can based on the information you have.

Like MM, I wonder what reaction you truly wanted. I do feel sometimes that when you don't get the reaction you expected or wanted that you become a bit defensive. (I'm sure we all do to some extent.) As I've said, it's hard to open yourself up to a spectrum of responses, but you've done that and you know by now that we are going to call it as we see it.

im sure once i get into therapy, things will come more naturally to me, speaking up about things i need to and such
I would also say this is a self-esteem issue, not speaking up for yourself.
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Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a great battle. - Philo of Alexandria

People have hope in me. - John Bul Dau, Sudanese Lost Boy
frankswife
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« Reply #140 on: May 01, 2013, 05:36:17 AM »

Okay, I wasn't going to get into this again but this worries me so I have one thing to say and I hope you understand what I'm getting at: leopards can and often do climb up different trees but they can never, EVER change thier spots.
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gothiclovemonkey
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« Reply #141 on: May 01, 2013, 09:56:55 AM »

i know i have self esteem issues.
as far as me saying i hope that this doesnt cause anyone to hate me,  ive lost friends, and family, over much smaller things... my own brother wished id die because of the man i was dating (my sons father) and told me he hates me. i am not kidding. this actually was said. he later told me it was because he felt i was better off dead than living that way... because i was worthless stain on humanity..

i am unsure, but im unsure about so many things in life, its nothing new. hell, even deciding what to eat is a task sometimes heh



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"Imagine how important death must be to have a prerequisite such as life" Unknown
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« Reply #142 on: May 01, 2013, 01:02:53 PM »

I hope you all arent too disappointed in me, I love you all, and really do appreciate everything you do for me. Please dont hate me!

We all have to experience things to learn from them.

I hope it turns out the way you want.

We only want the best for you.  :-*
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Admin for IHateDialysis 2008 - 2014, retired.
Jenna is our daughter, bad bladder damaged her kidneys.
Was on in-center hemodialysis 2003-2007.
7 yr transplant lost due to rejection.
She did PD Sept. 2013 - July 2017
Found a swap living donor using social media, friends, family.
New kidney in a paired donation swap July 26, 2017.
Her story ---> https://www.facebook.com/WantedKidneyDonor
Please watch her video: http://youtu.be/D9ZuVJ_s80Y
Living Donors Rock! http://www.livingdonorsonline.org -
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« Reply #143 on: May 02, 2013, 02:59:08 AM »

I'm sure you will do what is best for you!  No worries this is the place to share your concerns and get support. The decision is always up to you to make!  Feelings and moods are bound to change from day to day!  There is no possible way we can get all the information you have to make your decisions nor can our advise and thoughts be your only resource to make your own decisions. I wish you the best and I'm hopeful that things get better everyday for you!  We all need some "vent" times and its nice to be able to share your thoughts and feelings in a safe environment. I hope you continue to keep doing so and we are a good source of support for you.
All my best, Geoff
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Geoffrey Campbell
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CebuShan
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« Reply #144 on: May 21, 2013, 09:50:00 AM »

GLM - I really hope that things work out the way you want. I am glad to hear that you are not signing another lease with him that way if he happens to fall back to his old ways, you can kick him to the curb! Stay strong and never feel that you have let us down. It's not our lives, it's yours and only you know what is best for you and Jareth.   :cuddle;
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Think GOD doesn't have a sense of humor?
HE created marriage and children.
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