-=- THE OFFICIAL I HATE DIALYSIS.COM JOKE THREAD -=- (Bold type please!)

[okarol]

A Blonde is watching the news with her husband when the newscaster says "Six Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident."

The blonde starts crying to her husband, sobbing "That's horrible."
 
Confused, he says, "Yes dear, it is sad, but they were skydiving, and, there is that risk involved."

After a few minutes, the blonde, still sobbing, says,

"How many is a Brazilian?"

[cherpep]

"How many is a Brazilian?"

Took me a minute, but when it hit me, it's the funniest thing I've heard in a while.  Thanks for the chuckle!

[willieandwinnie]

Two Crocs

Two Crocodiles were sitting at the side of the swamp near the lake.
The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, 'I can't understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age; we were the same size as kids. I just don't get it.
 
'Well,' said the big Croc, 'what have you been eating?'

'Politicians, same as you,' replied the small Croc.

'Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?'

'Down the other side of the swamp near the parking lot by the Capitol.'

'Same here. Hmm. How do you catch them?'

'Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the shit out of them and eat 'em!'

'Ah!' says the big Crocodile, 'I think I see your problem. You're not getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the shit out of a Politician, there's nothing left but an
asshole and a briefcase

[willieandwinnie]

THE NEXT  SURVIVOR  SERIES

Six  married men will be dropped on an island with one car and 3 kids  each for six weeks. 

Each kid will play two sports and either take  music or dance classes. 

There is no fast  food.

Each man must take care of his 3 kids; keep his assigned house  clean, correct all  homework, and complete science  projects, cook,  do laundry,  and pay a list of 'pretend' bills
with not enough  money.

In  addition, each man will have to budget in  money for groceries each week. 

Each man must remember the birthdays  of all their friends  and relatives, and  send cards out on time--no emailing. 

Each man must also take  each child to a doctor's  appointment, a dentist  appointment and a haircut  appointment. 

He must make one unscheduled and inconvenient visit per child to  the A &  E.

He  must also make biscuits  or cakes for a  social function.

Each  man will be responsible for decorating his own assigned house,  planting flowers outside and keeping it presentable at  all times.

The  men will only  have access to television when the kids are asleep  and all chores are done. 

The men must shave  their legs,  wear makeup daily,  adorn himself  with jewelry, wear uncomfortable yet stylish  shoes, keep  fingernails polished and eyebrows  groomed. 

During one of the six  weeks, the men will have to  endure severe  abdominal cramps, back aches, and have extreme, unexplained mood  swings but never once complain or
slow down from other  duties.

They  must attend weekly school meetings, church, and find  time at least once to spend the afternoon at the park or a similar  setting.

They  will need to read a book to the kids each  night and in the morning,  feed  them, dress  them, brush their  teeth and comb their  hair by 8:00 am.

A test  will be given at the end of the six weeks, and each father will be required  to know all of the following information: each child's birthday,  height, weight,shoe size, clothes size
and doctor's name.  Also the child's weight at birth, length, time of birth, and  length of labor, each child's favorite color, middle name,  favorite snack, favorite song, favorite drink, favorite  toy, biggest fear and what they want to be when they grow  up.

The  kids vote them off the island based on performance. The last man  wins only if...he still has enough energy  to be intimate with his spouse at a moment's  notice.

If the  last man does win, he can play the game over and over and over again  for the next 18-25 years eventually earning the right To be called  Mum! 

After you  get done laughing, send this to as many females as  you think will get a laugh out of it and as many men as you think can handle it! 
Just don't send it back to me.... I'm going to  bed.

 

[Katonsdad]

HOW TO WIN THIS SHOW . 

Buy a condo , with a pool and Lanscaping services ,

Use your Blackberry the way its intended to keep track of dates and meeting .

Go to Costco  for Dinner samples , As you are watching the game on the Big Screen TVS

Change medical over to an HMO , You will get an appointment in 7 weeks (after this show)

Give each child an MP3 player and record stories music etc

Learn where the nearest Hostess outllet is for baked goods .

Use your cell phone to call the friends on Birthdays and anniversaries , Much more personal than a card !

Get a new razor and a pai of Reboks

Pool , MP3 players ,  HOW CAN YOU NOT WIN .


Katonsdad
(Yes , I am employed .I am on the PTA and I am the room dad for my son's class)

[mcjane]

JOKES TO OFFEND EVERYONE

 


What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?



  Juan on Juan

 


What is a Yankee?


The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

 


What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover ?


The position of the dirt bag


 


Why is divorce so expensive?


Because it's worth it.



   
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?


 
Doughnuts

 


Why is air a lot like sex?

 

Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

 


What do you call a smart blonde?



  A golden retriever.

 


What do attorneys use for birth control?

 


Their personalities.

 

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?

 

10 years and 45 lbs

 


What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?


  45 minutes

 


What's the fastest way to a man's heart?


Through his chest with a sharp knife

 


Why do men want to marry virgins?


They can't stand criticism.



Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?


Because those men already have boyfriends.


 


What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?

 

After a year, the dog is still excited to see you

 


Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying?


The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

 


Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?


Because they have cotton balls.

 


What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?


A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

 


What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?

 
'Are you sure it's mine?'

 


Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?


Mace will do that to you.

 



Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?

 
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

 


Where does an Irish family go on vacation?


A different bar.

 


Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a

blonde baby?


They named him 'Sum Ting Wong'



What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?


A speech impediment



  What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?

 


A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... 'a recipe'.

 


How do you get a sweet 80-year-old lady to say the F word?

 
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

 

What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?


A northern fairytale begins 'Once upon a time .' -

A southern fairytale begins 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this s**t....


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[mcjane]

TWO OLD MEN DECIDE THEY ARE CLOSE TO THEIR LAST DAYS AND DECIDE TO

HAVE A LAST NIGHT ON THE TOWN. AFTER A FEW DRINKS, THEY END UP AT THE

LOCAL BROTHEL

THE MADAM TAKES ONE LOOK AT THE TWO OLD GEEZERS AND WHISPERS TO HER

MANAGER, 'GO UP TO THE FIRST TWO BEDROOMS AND PUT AN INFLATED DOLL IN

EACH

BED. THESE TWO ARE SO OLD AND DRUNK, I'M NOT WASTING TWO OF MY GIRLS

ON THEM. THEY WON'T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.'

THE MANAGER DOES AS HE IS TOLD AND THE TWO OLD MEN GO UPSTAIRS AND

TAKE CARE OF THEIR BUSINESS.

AS THEY ARE WALKING HOME THE FIRST MAN SAYS, 'YOU KNOW, I THINK MY

GIRL WAS DEAD!'

'DEAD?' SAYS HIS FRIEND, 'WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?'

'WELL, SHE NEVER MOVED OR MADE A SOUND ALL THE TIME I WAS LOVING HER.

HIS FRIEND SAYS, 'COULD BE WORSE I THINK MINE WAS A WITCH.'

A WITCH ??. . WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU SAY THAT?

WELL, I WAS MAKING LOVE TO HER, KISSING HER ON THE NECK, AND I GAVE

HER A LITTLE BITE, THEN SHE FARTED AND FLEW OUT THE WINDOW... TOOK MY

                                             'TEETH WITH HER!'

 

[willieandwinnie]

One evening a Husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, "Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in 'Slim Fast'. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!"

His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.

The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. "What the Hell is this?" he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out.

"April", he hollered into the bathroom, "Why did you put Talcum Powder in my underwear?"

She replied with a snicker. "It's not talcum powder; it's Miracle Grow" !

[mcjane]

Body Statistics

It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

One human hair can support 3 kg (6 lb).
The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.
Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.
A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.
There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.
Women blink twice as often as men.
The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.
Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.
If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.

Women reading this will be finished now.
Men who read this are probably still busy checking their thumbs

[Katonsdad]

Body Statistics

It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

One human hair can support 3 kg (6 lb).
The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.
Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.
A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.
There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.
Women blink twice as often as men.
The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.
Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.
If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.

Women reading this will be finished now.
Men who read this are probably still busy checking their thumbs

The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.

Know wonder I never got a ride while I was hitchhiking !   

Katonsdad

[twirl]

was your thumb too little to see
or was it too big to hold up

no, answer required ---- just pondering

[mcjane]

This guy owns a horse stud farm. One day a friend phones him up and says, 'there's this gnome with a speech impediment I know who wants to buy a horse, so I've sent him round to see you.' Sure enough the gnome turns up. The owner asks him, 'do you want a male horse or a female horse?' 'A female horth', the gnome replies. So the owner shows him a mare. 'Nith horth', says the gnome, 'can I thee her eyth?' So the owner picks up the gnome to show him the horses eyes. 'Nith eyth', says the gnome, 'can I thee her teeth?' Again the owner picks up the gnome to show him the horses teeth. 'Nith teeth, can I see her eerth?' the gnome says. By now the owner is getting a little fed up but again the owner picks up the gnome to show him the horses ears. 'Nith eerth' he says 'now, can I see her twot?' With this the owner picks up the gnome and shoves his head deep inside the horse's hoo-hoo, he holds him there for a second before pulling him out and putting him down. The gnome shakes his head and says, 'maybe I should wefwaze that. Can I see her wun awound!'




EDITED: Made Bold-kitkatz,moderator

[Ang]

 

[mikey07840]

Doctor Dan had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't. The guilt was overwhelming. But every once in awhile he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said:

'Dan, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to have sex with one of his patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go Dan.'

But invariably another voice in his
head would bring him back to reality whispering:




Dan.............


Dan.............


YOU'RE A VETERINARIAN, YOU SICK BA$TARD !!

[pelagia]

My mother sent me this one...

THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says,
'Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle,
and I can't figure out how to get it started.'

Her boyfriend asks, 'What is it supposed to be when it's finished?'


The blonde says, 'According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger.'

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets
him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then
turns to her and says, 'First of all, no matter what we do, we're not
going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger.'

He takes her hand and says, 'Second, I want you to relax. Let's have
a nice cup of tea, and then ...'

He sighed......... ..... 'Let's put all the Frosted Flakes back in the box.......'







Edited: Fixed bold error-kitkatz,moderator

[willieandwinnie]

THE BEST DRUNK STORY OF THE MONTH.

A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says: 'I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!' The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word.

His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat. The drunk leans on the table again and says: 'I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!'

The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says nothing.

The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, 'I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!'

At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders looks him square in the eyes and says....................





'Grandpa;....... Go home! You're drunk.'

[willieandwinnie]

John, woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.

After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.

"Louise," he moaned, "tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?"

"Even worse," she said, her voice oozing scorn. "You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face."

"He's an asshole," John said. "Piss on him."

"You did," came the reply. "And he fired you."

"Well, screw him!" said John.

"I did. You're back at work on Monday.

[okarol]

An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that
she has missed her period for 2 months. Very
worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and
buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that
the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, 'Who was
the pig that did this to you? I want to know!'

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an
hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A
mature and distinguished man with grey hair and
impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of a
Ferrari and enters the house.
He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and
the girl and tells them: 'Good morning, your daughter
has informed me of the problem.
I can't marry her because of my personal family
situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and
provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.
Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a
Ferrari, 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beach-front
villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account.
If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of
factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they
will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each.
However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest
I do?'
At this point, the father, who had remained silent,
places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him.

'You gonna try again.'

[okarol]

PREGNANT TURKEY STORY

One year at Thanksgiving, my mom went to my
sister's house for the traditional feast. Knowing
how gullible my sister is, my mom decided to
play a trick. She told my sister that she needed
something from the store.

When my sister left, my mom took the turkey out of
the oven, removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen,
and inserted it into the turkey, and re-stuffed the
turkey. She then placed the bird(s) back in the oven.

When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the
turkey out of the oven and proceeded to remove the
stuffing. When her serving spoon hit something,
she reached in and pulled out the little bird.

With a look of total shock on her face, my mother
exclaimed, 'Patricia, you've cooked a pregnant
bird!'  At the reality of this horrifying news,
my sister started to cry.

It took the family two hours to convince her that
turkeys lay eggs!

Yep..................SHE'S BLONDE!

 

[mcjane]

ELEPHANTS NEVER FORGET


In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University .
On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.  The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.
He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.  As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.  The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.  Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled.  Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.  Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenage son.  As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing.  The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant.  Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure.  He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.  The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.
Probably wasn't the same elephant.








EDITED: Fixed bold error-kitkatz,moderator

[Katonsdad]

 The rest of the world cannot understand how after bitter
> election campaigns, American politicians can return to
> reality. For instance, Sarah Palin has invited to her great
> state of Alaska the men who defeated her, Barack Obama and
> Joe Biden.
>
> She has provided a moose-hunting trip for their enjoyment
> and has hired two other prominent men to assist them.
>
>
> Dick Cheney will instruct them in safe gun handling and
> Ted Kennedy will drive them back to their cabins in the
> evening.
>
> What a gal, that Sarah is such a sport and thinks of
> everything.

[jessup]

Wish I could think this quickly

 A man boarded a plane with 6 kids.

 After they got settled in their seats a snobbish type woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked,
 'Are all of those children yours?'
 
He replied, ' No. I work for a condom company. 

 These are customer complaints. '

 

 

[willieandwinnie]

TIDE LAUNDRY DETERGENT
I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it all of my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best. Now that I am in my fifties I find it even better!
About a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to belittle me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with his blood on my new white blouse! I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative, and to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my attorney called and said that I was no longer considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband.

What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having a great product.
Well, I gotta go - I have to write to the Hefty bag people.

[okarol]

A strong young man at a construction site was bragging
that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a
special case of making fun of one of the older workmen.

After several minutes, the older worker had enough.

"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is,"
he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something
in a wheelbarrow over to that building that you won't be able
to wheel back."

"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see you do it."

The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by
the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said,

"All right, Dumb Ass, get in."

[monrein]

Although I did laugh at the joke p&k, I think it might be better in the premium section.  We get kids here sometimes, like my niece and nephew (10 and 14) so we need to be a bit careful I think.  Your cautionary "beware" made me laugh too.