-=- THE OFFICIAL I HATE DIALYSIS.COM JOKE THREAD -=- (Bold type please!)

[willieandwinnie]

Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large raging, violent river. Needing to get to the other side, the first man prayed:

'God, please give me the strength to cross the river.'

Poof! ... God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.
 
After witnessing that, the second man prayed: 'God, please give me strength and the tools to cross the river'
 
Poof! .. God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once.

Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed: 'God, please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross the river'
 
Poof! .. He was turned into a woman. She checked the map, hiked one hundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge.

[twirl]

yeah W&W 

[willieandwinnie]

Would you eat a cake that looks like this?

Don't know about eating it........but I'd laugh at it and AGREE.... TOTALLY!!!

[twirl]

W&W
 
I do not like cake or choc but my family would devour it

[willieandwinnie]

On their 50th anniversary, a wife found the  negligee she wore on her wedding night and put it on. She went to her husband, a  retired Marine, and asked,
'Honey, do you remember this?'
He looked up  from his newspaper and said; 'Yes dear, I do. You wore that same negligee  the night we were married.'
She said, 'Yes, that's right. Do you remember  what you said to me that night?'
He nodded and said 'Yes dear, I said; Oh  baby, I'm going to suck the life out of those boobs and screw your brains  out.'
She giggled and said; 'That's exactly what you  said. So now it's fifty years later, and I'm in the same negligee. What do   you have to say tonight?'
He looked her up and down and said; ' Mission   Accomplished.'

[thegrammalady]

sounds just like a marine 

[twirl]

W&W
 

[okarol]

 

[circleNthedrain]

Semper Fi

[kitkatz]

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients on the operating table.

The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, and no spine, and the head and butt are interchangeable."

[willieandwinnie]

K ids Are Quick

____________________________________

TEACHER:   Maria, go to the map and find North America
MARIA:      Here it is.
TEACHER:  Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS:        Maria.
____________________________________

TEACHER:  John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN:         You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________
TEACHER:  Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN:       K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER:  No, that's wrong
GLENN:       Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
____________________________________________
TEACHER:  Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD:     H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER:  What are you talking about?
DONALD:     Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________

TEACHER:  Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE:     Me!
__________________________________________

TEACHER:  Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN:        Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________

TEACHER:    Millie, give me a sentence starting with 'I.'
MILLIE:          I is..
TEACHER:    No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE:          All right...  'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'     
_________________________________
TEACHER:   George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it.  Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS:     Because George still had the axe in his hand.   
______________________________________
 
TEACHER:  Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON:      No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________
 
TEACHER:   Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE :       No, sir.  It's the same dog.
___________________________________
TEACHER:     Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD:       A teacher
__________________________________

[twirl]

  brings back memories

'





EDITED:fixed smiley tag error-kitkatz,moderator

[Joe Paul]

A little boy blows up a balloon and starts flicking
 it all around the house with his finger.
His mother tells him to stop it as he's liable to
 break something, but the boy continues.
 'Johnny!' Mom screams. 'Knock it off.' You're going
 to break something. He stops and
 eventually Mom leaves for a short trip to the
 shopping center.
Johnny starts up with the balloon again after his
 mom has left for the store. He gives it
 one last flick and it lands in the toilet where
 he leaves it.
Mom comes in and while putting away the grocery gets
the urge, a diarrhea run. She can hardly make it to the
toilet in time and SPLASH, out it comes.
 When she's finished, she looks down and can't
 believe what she's seeing. She's not sure
 what this big brown thing is in the toilet! She
 calls her doctor. The doctor is baffled as
 she describes the situation, but he assures her
 he'll be over shortly to examine everything.
When he arrives she leads him to the bath room and
 he gets down on his knees and takes
 a long, hard look at the thing. Finally, he takes
 out his pen and sort of touches it to see
what it might be and POP! The balloon explodes and
 poop is everywhere. On him, the walls, etc.
 'Doctor! Doctor! Are you all right?' she asks.
 
He says, 'I've been in this business for over 30
 years, and this is the first time I've ever
 actually seen a fart !'

[mcjane]

OMG    That is funny.

[mcjane]

One day a hippie gets a ride on a public bus and sees a hot young nun. He sits down next to her and promptly asks if she would like to have sex, to which she immediately says no and walks off the bus. The bus driver leans over and says “Hey guy I know how to get that nun to have sex with you…”

Naturally the hippie asks, and the bus driver tells him that every night at midnight the nun goes to an old graveyard to pray for god to forgive her for her past, and that he should dress up like god and tell the nun she will be forgiven if she has sex with you.

The hippie gives his thanks and runs to the nearest costume shop.

Later that evening the hippie gets ready for his big night and drives down to the graveyard and sees the nun praying, on her knees. He says “Behold, I have heard your prayers and you shall be forgiven if you have sex with me!”

The nun agrees but asks if they can have anal sex in order to keep her virginity. The hippie agrees and once they are finished the hippie jumps back and pulls off his mask and says “Surpise, its me the Hippie!”

The nun jumps up and pulls off her mask and says “Surprise, its me the bus driver!”





Edited: Fixed bold tag - okarol/admin

[Joe Paul]

   

[Joe Paul]

Bubba, from North Louisiana, appeared on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' and towards the end of the program had already won 500,000 dollars.

You've done very well so far,' said the show's presenter,

'but for a million dollars you've only got one lifeline left -
phone a friend. Everything is riding on this question...

...will you go for it?'

'Sure,' said Bubba. 'I'll have a go!'
'Okay, Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?'

A: Sparrow
B: Thrush
C: Magpie
D: Cuckoo
I haven't got a clue,' said Bubba, so I'll use my last lifeline and phone my friend LeRoy back home in Crowville, Louisiana'. Bubba called up his friend, and told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him.

'Friggin hell, Bubba!' cried LeRoy. 'Dat's simple......
it's a cuckoo.'
'Are you sure?'
'I'm friggin positive. ' Bubba hung up the phone and told the show's host, 'I'll go with Cuckoo as my answer.' 'Is that your final answer?' asked the host. 'Dat it is, Sir.'

There was a long - long pause, then the presenter screamed, 'Cuckoo is the correct answer!
Bubba,you've won 1 million dollars!'
The next night, Bubba invited LeRoy across the creek to Charles Place to buy him a drink.
'Tell me, LeRoy? How in Heaven's name did you know it was a Cuckoo that doesn't build it's own nest?
'Because he lives in a Friggin clock, you dumbass, you!

[twirl]

rednecks are so intelligent

[mcjane]

 

A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order.  He said, 'I
want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running
boards.'


The brand new waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the
kitchen and said to the cook, 'This guy out there just ordered three
flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running Boards.   What does he
think this place is, an auto parts store?'


No,' the cook said. 'Three flat tires mean three pancakes, a pair of
headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices of
crisp bacon.'

Oh, OK!' said the waitress. She thought about it for a moment and then
spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.

 
The trucker asked, 'What are the! beans for?'


She replied, 'I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires,
headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!'

 


Edited: Fixed bold tag - okarol/admin

 

[Joe Paul]

  

[okarol]

Albert

A woman is in a grocery store and happens upon a
grandpa and his poorly behaving 3 year-old grandson.

At every turn. Its obvious gramps has his hands
full with the kid screaming for candy in the candy
aisle, cookies in the cookie aisle; same for fruit,
cereal and soda. Meanwhile gramps is working his way
around saying in a controlled voice, "Easy Albert,
we won't be long, easy boy"

Another outburst and she hears gramps calmly say,
"It's OK Albert, just a couple more
minutes and we'll be outta here, hang in there.

At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items
from the cart and gramps again in a
controlled voice is saying, "Albert, Albert, relax
buddy, don't get upset -- we'll be home
in five minutes; stay cool, Albert".

Very impressed the woman goes up to gramps as he's
loading the kid and the groceries into the car and says,
"You know sir, it's none of my business, but you were
amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. The
whole time you kept your composure and no matter how
loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying
things would be OK. Albert is very lucky to have you for his
grandpa".

"Thanks, lady," said gramps, "but I'm Albert -- the
little bastard's name is Johnny."

[mcjane]

What do you call a cow that is masturbating?




Beef strogonoff !!!






EDITED: Fixed bold on joke-kitkatz,moderator

[devon]

My favorite joke...

An old man is lying on his deathbed awaiting the Grim Reaper when he sniffs the air and picks up the scent of Chocolate Chip cookies hot from the oven. Memories of a lifetime eating this most favorite treat flood his brain. Mustering all the energy he has left, he pulls himself from the bed and crawls into the hall and down the stars to the kitchen.  With his last ounce of energy, he pulls himself from the floor and reaches up to the table to grab a cookie when he feels a sharp SLAP on his hand then the rebuke,



"NO! NO! Those are for the funeral!"

-Devon

[mcjane]

This is why women should not take men shopping
against their will.
After Mr. and Mrs. Fenton retired, Mrs. Fenton
insisted her husband
accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart.
Unfortunately, Mr. Fenton was like most men -- he
found shopping boring
and preferred to get in and get out.
Equally unfortunately, Mrs. Fenton was like most
women -- she loved to
browse.
One day Mrs. Fenton received the following letter
from her local
Wal-Mart.
Dear Mrs. Fenton.....
Over the past six months, your husband has been
causing quite a commotion
in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior
and may be forced to ban
both of you from the store. Our complaints against
Mr.Fenton are listed below and are documented by our
video surveillance
cameras.
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly
put them in people's
carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares
to go off at 5 minute
intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the
floor leading to the
women's restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in
an official voice,
"Code 3 in Housewares - get on it right away."
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to
put a bag of M&M's on
layaway.
6. September 14: Moved a "CAUTION - WET FLOOR" sign
to a carpeted area.
7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping
department and told other
shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring
pillows and blankets from
the bedding department.
8. September 23: When a clerk asked if they could
help him he began
crying and screamed, "Why can't you people just
leave me alone?"
9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera
and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting
department, he asked
the clerk where the anti depressants were.
11. December 3: Darted around the store
suspiciously while loudly humming
the "Mission Impossible" theme.
12. December 6: In the auto department, he
practiced his "Madonna look"
by using different sizes of funnels.
13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when
people browsed through,
yelled "PICK ME! PICK ME!"
14. December 21: When an announcement came over the
loud speaker, he
assumed a fetal position and moaned, "OH NO! IT'S
THOSE VOICES AGAIN!"
And last, but not least..........

15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the
door, waited awhile,
then yelled very loudly, "Hey! There's no toilet
paper in here!"
Regards......... Wal-Mart




EDITED: Bold the joke- kitkatz,moderator

[mcjane]