-=- THE OFFICIAL I HATE DIALYSIS.COM JOKE THREAD -=- (Bold type please!)

[Ang]

oldie  but  a  goodie

[mikey07840]

A salesman is driving late at night when he notices a sign that reads:

Sisters of St. Elizabeth House of Prostitution Next Left

Intrigued he pulls into the driveway, parks, and walks up to the door and knocks.

An ancient Nun opens the door and asks "How can I help you my son?"

Salesman: "I couldn't help but notice your sign, and I'm a long way from home and..."

Nun: "Say no more my son, please, come in, follow me."

The nun leads the man through a long passageway, upstairs, downstairs, more passageways, and finally they arrive at corridor that ends at a large wooden door.

Nun: "The fee is $50.00, you may pay me and then go through the door to your reward"

The salesman pays the nun and turns to the door. Just as he thinks to ask the Nun if she has any condoms he turns and sees she has vanished.

He excitedly pushes the door open and as it slams shut behind him his eyes focus and he realizes he's back outside in the driveway. Dazed and confused he sees a note has been tucked under his windshield, he climbs in the car turns on his lights and opens the note that reads:

"Go in peace -- you have just been screwed by the Sisters of St. Elizabeth".

[kitkatz]

>
> Scenario:
> You are in the middle of some kind of project around the
> house mowing the
> lawn, putting a new fence in, painting the living room, or
> whatever. You
> are hot and sweaty, covered in dirt or paint. You have your
> old work
> clothes on. You know, the outfit - shorts with the hole in
> crotch, old
> T-shirt with a stain from who knows what, and an old pair
> of tennis shoes.
> Right in the middle of this great home improvement project
> you realize you
> need to run to Wal-Mart to get something to help complete
> the job.
> Depending on your age you might do the following:
>
> In your 20's:
> Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry
> your hair, brush
> your teeth, floss, and put on clean clothes. Check yourself
> in the mirror
> and flex. Add a dab of your favorite cologne because you
> never know, you
> just might meet some hot chick while standing in the
> checkout lane. You
> went to school with the pretty girl running the register.
>
> In your 30 's:
> Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt.
> Change shoes. You
> married the hot chick so no need for much else. Wash your
> hands and comb
> your hair. Check yourself in the mirror. Still got it. Add
> a shot of your
> favorite cologne to cover the smell. The cute girl running
> the register is
> the kid sister to someone you went to school with.
>
> In your 40's:
> Stop what you are doing. Put a sweatshirt that is long
> enough to cover the
> hole in the crotch of your shorts. Put on different shoes
> and a hat. Wash
> your hands. Your bottle of Brute Cologne is almost empty so
> you don't want
> to waste any of it on a trip to Wal-Mart. Check yourself in
> the mirror and
> do more sucking in than flexing. The spicy young thing
> running the register
> is your daughter's age and you feel weird thinking she
> is spicy.
>
> In your 50's:
> Stop what you are doing. Put a hat on, wipe the dirt off
> your hands onto
> your shirt. Change shoes because you don't want to get
> dirt in your new
> sports car. Check yourself in the mirror and you swear not
> to wear that
> shirt anymore because it makes you look fat. The Cutie
> running the register
> smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still
> have it. Then you
> remember the hat you have on is from Buddy's Bait &
> Beer Bar and it says,
> 'I Got Worms.'
>
> In your 60's:
> Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat anymore. Hose
> the dog shit off
> your shoes The mirror was shattered when you were in your
> 50's. You hope
> you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your
> pants. The girl
> running the register may be cute, but you don't have
> your glasses on so you
> are not sure.
>
> In your 70's:
> Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to Wal-Mart until they
> have your
> prescriptions ready, too. Don't even notice the dog
> shit on your shoes. The
> young thing at the register smiles at you because you
> remind her of her
> grandfather.
>
> In your 80's:
> Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again. Now
> you remember you
> needed to go to Wal-Mart. Go to Wal-Mart and wander around
> trying to think
> what the hell it is you are looking for. Fart out loud and
> you think you
> heard someone called out your name. You went to school with
> the old lady
> who greeted you at the front door

[Katonsdad]

 Cardiologist Funeral
> 
> A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral,
> well attended by other
> members of the medical community.
> A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket
> during the service.
> Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket
> rolled inside.
> The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful
> heart forever.
> At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter.
> When all eyes stared at him, he said, 'I'm sorry, I
> was just thinking of my own
> funeral... I'm a gynecologist.'
> 
> The proctologist fainted.

[kitkatz]

> Subject: Affairs
>
>
>
>
>
>
>       The 1st Affair
>             A married man was having an affair
>             with his secretary.
>
>             One day they went to her place
>             and made love all afternoon.
>
>             Exhausted, they fell asleep
>             and woke up at 8 PM.
>
>             The man hurriedly dressed
>             and told his lover to take his shoes
>             outside and rub them in the grass and dirt..
>
>             He put on his shoes and drove home.
>
>             'Where have you been?' his wife
> demanded.
>
>             'I can't lie to you,' he replied,
>
>             'I'm having an affair with my
> secretary.
>             We had sex all afternoon.'
>
>             She looked down at his shoes and said:
>
>             'You lying bastard!
>             You've been playing golf!'
>
>
>
>
>
>             The 2nd Affair
>
>             A middle-aged couple had two beautiful
> daughters
>             but always talked about having a son.
>
>             They decided to try one last time
>             for the son they always wanted.
>
>             The wife got pregnant
>             and delivered a healthy baby boy.
>
>             The joyful father rushed to the nursery
>             to see his new son.
>
>             He was horrified at the ugliest child
>             he had ever seen.
>
>             He told his wife: 'There's no way I can
>
>             be the father of this baby.
>             Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!
>
>             Have you been fooling around behind my
> back?'
>
>             The wife smiled sweetly and replied:
>             'No, not this time!'
>
>
>
>
>             The 3rd Affair
>
>             A mortician was working late one night..
>
>             He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz,
>             about to be cremated ,
>             and made a startling discovery.
>             Schwartz had the largest private part
>             he had ever seen!
>
>             'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the
> mortician
>             commented, 'I can't allow you to be
> cremated
>             with such an impressive private part.
>             It must be saved for posterity.'
>
>             So, he removed it,
>             stuffed it into his briefcase,
>             and took it home.
>
>             'I have something to show
>             you won't believe,' he said to his
> wife,
>             opening his briefcase.
>
>             'My God!' the wife exclaimed,
>             'Schwartz is dead!'
>
>
>
>
>             The 4th Affair
>
>             A woman was in bed with her lover
>             when she heard her husband
>             opening the front door.
>
>             'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the
> corner.'
>
>             She rubbed baby oil all over him,
>             then dusted him with talcum powder.
>
>             'Don't move until I tell you,'
>             she said. 'Pretend you're a
> statue.'
>
>             'What's this?' the husband inquired
>
>             as he entered the room.
>
>             'Oh it's a statue,' she replied.
>             'The Smiths bought one and I liked it
>             so I got one for us, too.'
>
>             No more was said,
>             not even when they went to bed.
>
>             Around 2 AM the husband got up,
>             went to the kitchen and returned
>             with a sandwich and a beer.
>
>             'Here,' he said to the statue, have
> this.
>             I stood like that for two days at the Smiths
>             and nobody offered me a damned thing.'
>
>
>
>
>             The 5th Affair
>
>             A man walked into a cafe,
>             went to the bar and ordered a beer.
>
>             'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one
> cent.'
>
>             'One Cent?' the man exclaimed.
>
>             He glanced at the menu and asked:
>             'How much for a nice juicy steak
>             and a bottle of wine?'
>
>             'A nickel,' the barman replied.
>
>             'A nickel?' exclaimed the man.
>             'Where's the guy who owns this
> place?'
>
>             The bartender replied:
>             'Upstairs, with my wife.'
>
>             The man asked: 'What's he doing
> upstairs
>             with your wife?'
>
>             The bartender replied:
>             'The same thing I'm doing
>             to his business down here.'
>
>
>
>
>             The 6th Affair
>
>             Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside
>
>             He looked up and said weakly:
>             'I have something I must confess.'
>
>             'There's no need to, 'his wife
> replied.
>
>             'No,' he insisted,
>             'I want to die in peace
>             I slept with your sister, your best friend,
>             her best friend, and your mother!'
>
>             'I know,' she replied.
>             'Now just rest and let the poison
> work.'

[Katonsdad]

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and
> had never
> been married
>
>
> She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
> One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed
> him into
> her quaint sitting room.
> She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
> As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister
> noticed a
> glass bowl sitting on top of it.
> The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated,
> of all
> things, a condom!
>
> When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.
>
> The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of
> water and
> its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and
> he could no
> longer resist.
>
>
>
>
> 'Miss Beatrice ', he said, 'I wonder if you
> would tell me about this?'
> pointing to the bowl.
> 'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it
> wonderful? I was walking through the
> park a few months ago and I found this little package on
> the ground.
> The directions said to place it on the organ,
> keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of
> disease.
> Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter?!!'
>

[twirl]

now that is funny

[twirl]

Mikey    shame on you              it is very funny

[okarol]

Dorothy and Edna, two 'senior' widows, are talking.

Dorothy:  'That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date.  I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer.'

Edna: 'Well, I'll tell you.  He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7 P.M., dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers!  Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but a luxury car... a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all.  Then he takes me out for dinner... a marvelous dinner... lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks.  Then we go see a show.  Let me tell you, Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure!  So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL.  Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me two times!'

Dorothy: 'Goodness gracious!... so you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?'

Edna:  'No, no, no... I'm just saying, wear an old dress.'

[Joe Paul]

A big shot attorney had to spend a couple of days in the hospital.

 

He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his staff.

 

None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him.

 

The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him.

 

She came into his room and announced, 'I have to take your temperature.' After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.

 

'No, I'm sorry,' the nurse stated, 'but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer.' This started another round of complaining but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind.

 

After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!'

 

She left the door to his room open on her way out.

 

 

He cursed under his breath as he heard people walking past his door, laughing.

 

After a half hour, the man's doctor came into the room.

 

'What's going on here?' asked the doctor.

 

Angrily, the man answered, 'What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?'

 

After a pause, the doctor confessed.....'Not with a carnation.'  

[willieandwinnie]

Never Choke in a restaurant in the South . . .

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant.  While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.  Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.  And, after a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.  One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, 'Kin ya swallar?

The woman shakes her head no.

Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'

The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.

The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.  As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.

His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick' Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'

[okarol]

A cruise on the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks, and there are only three survivors:

Bob, Tom, and Sally.

They manage to swim to a small island and they live there for a couple of years doing what's natural for men and women to do.

After several years of casual sex all the time, Sally felt absolutely horrible about what she was doing. She felt having sex with both Bob and Tom was so immoral and bad that she killed herself.

It was tragic, but Bob and Tom managed to get through it. After a while, Bob and Tom's resistance to natures urgings waned, and the inevitable happened.

Well, a couple more years went by and Bob and Tom began to feel  absolutely horrible about what they were doing.

So they buried Sally.

[circleNthedrain]

okarol, you are terrible.....but I love it!   Reminds me of a verse in "My Darling Clementine"   'I used to hug her, used to kiss her, now she's dead I draw the line'

[willieandwinnie]

Woman's Ass Size Study
 
 There is a new study about women and how they feel  about their asses, the results were pretty interesting:
 
 30% of women think their ass is too fat...
 
 10% of women think their ass is too skinny...
 
 The remaining 60% say they don't care, they love  him, he's a good man, and they wouldn't trade him  for the world.

[willieandwinnie]

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy.   He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer from New York and is certain that he has a better education then any cop from Houston , Tex as .  He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Texas deputy' s expense.

The deputy says,' License and registration, please.'

'What for?' says the lawyer.

The deputy says, 'You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign.'

Then the lawyer says, 'I slowed down, and no one was coming.'

'You still didn't come to a complete stop, Says the deputy. License and registration, please.'

The lawyer says, 'What's the difference?'

'The difference is you have to come to complete stop, that's the law  License and registration, please!' the Deputy says.

Lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.'

'That sounds fair.  Please exit your vehicle, sir,' the deputy says.

At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the daylights out of the lawyer and says, 'Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?

[Hawkeye]

Why, Why, Why

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?

Why do banks charge a fee on insufficient funds when they know there is not enough money?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars , but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, 'It's all right?' Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, 'That really hurt, why don't you watch where you're going !'

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

And my FAVORITE......

The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons are suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.

[Hawkeye]

Well Known Proverbs

A first grade teacher collected well known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you. While reading these keep in mind that these are first graders, 6 year-olds, because the last one is a classic!

Better to be safe than................................punch a 5th grader
Strike while the ..........................................bug is close
It's always darkest before..........................Daylight Saving Time
Never underestimate the power of.............termites
You can lead a horse to water but..............how?
Don't bite the hand that..............................looks dirty
No news is...................................................impossible
A miss is as good as a.................................Mr.
You can't teach an old dog new..................math
If you lie down with dogs, you'll..................stink in the morning
Love all, trust..............................................me
The pen is mightier than the.......................pigs
An idle mind is.............................................the best way to relax
Where there's smoke there's......................pollution
Happy the bride who...................................gets all the presents
A penny saved is.........................................not much
Two's company, three's...............................the Musketeers
Don't put off till tomorrow what...................you put on to go to bed
Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and.....you have to blow your nose
There are none so blind as..........................Stevie Wonder
Children should be seen and not.................spanked or grounded
If at first you don't succeed.........................get new batteries
You get out of something only what you.....see in the picture on the box
When the blind leadeth the blind................get out of the way
Better late than...........................................pregnant

[Hawkeye]

Early Dementia Test
 
It's that time of year to take our annual senior citizen test. Exercising the brain is as important as exercising muscles. As we grow older, it's important to keep mentally alert. If you don't use it, you lose it! Below is a very private way to gauge your loss or non-loss of intelligence.

Take the test presented here to determine if you're losing it or not. The spaces below are so you don't see the answers until you've made your answer. OK, relax, clear your mind and begin.

1. What do you put in a toaster?

Answer: "bread." If you said "toast," give up now and do something else. Try not to hurt yourself. If you said, bread, go to Question 2.

2. Say "silk" five times. Now spell "silk"

What do cows drink?

Answer: Cows drink water. If you said "milk," don't attempt the next question. Your brain is over-stressed and may even overheat. Content yourself with reading a more appropriate literature such as Auto World. However, if you said "water", proceed to question 3.

3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks , what is a green house made from?

Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said "green bricks," why the heck are you still reading these??? If you said "glass," go on to Question 4.

4. It's twenty years ago, and a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over Germany (If you will recall, Germany at the time was politically divided into West Germany and East Germany .) Anyway, during the flight, two engines fail. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing procedure. Unfortunately the engine fails before he can do so and the plane fatally crashes smack in the middle of "no man's land" between East Germany and West Germany . Where would you bury the survivors? East Germany , West Germany , or no man's land"?

Answer: You don't bury survivors.

If you said ANYTHING else, you're a dunce and you must stop. If you said, "You don't bury survivors", proceed to the next question.

5. Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales . In London , 17 people get on the bus. In Reading , six people get off the bus and nine people get on. In Swindon, two people get off and four get on. In Cardiff, 11 people get off and 16 people get on . In Swansea , three people get off and five people get on. In Carmathen, six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven. What was the name of the bus driver?

Answer: Oh, for crying out loud!

Don't you remember your own name? It was YOU!! Now pass this along to all your friends and pray they do better than you.

PS: 95% of people fail most of the questions!!

[pelagia]

thanks Hawkeye - I needed a break and a 

[twirl]

those were fun

[okarol]

  I failed   

[Katonsdad]

> >Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, the
> following conversation took
> place.
> >
> >First guy: 'You have no idea what I had to do to be
> able to come out fishing
> this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I would paint
> every room in the
> house next weekend.'
> >
> >Second guy: 'That is nothing, I had to promise my
> wife that I would build her a
> new deck for the pool.'
> >
> >Third guy: 'Man, you both have it easy! I had to
> promise my wife that I would
> remodel the kitchen for her.'
> >
> >They continue to fish. When they realized that the
> fourth guy has not said a
> word, they asked him. 'You haven't said anything
> about what you had to do to be
> able to come fishing this weekend. What's the
> deal?'
> >
> >Fourth guy: 'I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When
> it went off, I shut off my
> alarm, gave the wife a slap on her butt and said:
> 'Fishing or Sex?' She said:
> 'Wear sun-block.'

[Katonsdad]

> Interesting Observation:
>
> 
> 1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.
> 
> 2 The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is
> BOWL ING
> 
> 3 The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.
> 
> 4 The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.
> 
> 5 The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS
> 
> 6 The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers
> is GOLF.
> 
> THE AMAZING CONCLUSION:
> 
> The higher you go in the corporate structure,
> The smaller your balls become.

[pelagia]

 

[Ang]

when  is  the  wrong  time  to  have  a  heart  attack















when  you  are  playing  charades



Edited: Fixed bold tag error - okarol/admin