-=- THE OFFICIAL I HATE DIALYSIS.COM JOKE THREAD -=- (Bold type please!)

[okarol]

Sometimes I wonder... "Why is that frisbee getting bigger?" Then it hits me.

[okarol]

Although I did laugh at the joke p&k, I think it might be better in the premium section.  We get kids here sometimes, like my niece and nephew (10 and 14) so we need to be a bit careful I think.  Your cautionary "beware" made me laugh too.

I moved the joke to Premium Section, where more risque jokes and pictures are allowed.

[paul.karen]

    sorry 

[okarol]

no problem, it was funny!

[monrein]

   sorry 

no problem, it was funny!

Absolutely!

[mcjane]

(Women will LOVE this one!)

 

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning; it's a bad one.  Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them is hurt.  God works in mysterious ways. After they crawl out of their cars, the man is yelling about women drivers.  The woman says, 'So, you're a man.  That's interesting.  I'm a woman.  Wow, just look at our cars!  There's nothing left, but we're unhurt.  This must be a sign from God that we should be friends and live in peace for the rest of our days.'

Flattered, the man replies, 'Oh yes, I agree completely, this must be a sign from God!  But you're still at fault...women shouldn't be allowed to drive.' The woman continues, 'And look at this, here's another miracle.  My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break.  Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.'

She hands the bottle to the man.  The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.

The woman takes the bottle, puts the cap back on and hands it back to the man. 

The man asks, 'Aren't you having any?' 

The woman replies, 'No.  I think I'll just wait for the police...' 

 

MORAL OF THE STORY : 

Women are clever, evil bitches. 

Don't mess with them.
 


Edited: Changed to bold type-Boxman,Moderator

[Joe Paul]

A little Presidential humor

[willieandwinnie]

 
The Zen of Sarcasm

1.  Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me; for I may not follow, do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.

3.     It is always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighborsʼs newspaper, that's the time to do it.

4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.

6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

9. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is probably not for you.

10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

11.  If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably a wise investment.

12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

13. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.

14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

17. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

18.    T here is two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

19.  Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

20.  Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

21.  Never miss a good chance to shut up.

                     AND

22.  Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

 

[Katonsdad]

Jeff Gordon fires his entire pit crew
This announcement followed Gordon's decision to take advantage of the government's scheme to employ Harlem youngsters.
The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Harlem were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Gordon's existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with millions of dollars worth of high tech equipment..It was thought to be an excellent and bold move by Gordon's management team as most races are won or lost in the pits.However-Gordon got more than he bargained for!
At the crew's first practice session, not only was the inexperienced crew able to change all 4 wheels in under 6 seconds, but within 12 seconds they had re-sprayed, re-badged, and sold the car to Dale Jr. for 10 cases of Bud, a bag of weed, and some photos of Jeff Gordon's wife in the shower.

[okarol]

SNOTTY RECEPTIONIST

 An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared offices with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients.

 As he approached the receptionist’s desk, he noticed that the
 receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo
 wrestler.  He gave her his name.
 
 In a very loud voice, the receptionist said,

 'YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?'
 
 All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man.

 He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied,
 

 'NO, I’VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON’T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.' 

.............

DON’T MESS WITH OLD FOLKS!
 

[mcjane]

> >> > My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A
> >> Millionaire while we
> >> > were in bed. I turned to her and said,
> >> > "Do you want to have sex?"
> >> > "No," she answered.
> >> > I then said, "Is that your final
> > answer?"
> >> > She didn't even look at me this time, simply
> >> saying "Yes."
> >> > So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a
> >> friend."
> >> > And then the fight started....
> >> >

[mcjane]

    After retiring, I went to the Social Security office
         to apply for
         Social Security.
        The woman behind the counter asked me for my
         driver's license to
         verify my age.
         I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my
         wallet at home.
         I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would
         have to go home
         and come back later
         The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
         So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
         She said, 'That silver hair
         on your chest is proof
         enough for me'
         And she processed my Social Security application.
         When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my
         experience at
         the Social Security office.
         She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You
         might have
         gotten Disability, too'

[Joe Paul]

 

[willieandwinnie]

This is an article submitted to a  1999 Louisville Sentinel contest to find out who had the wildest Christmas  dinners. It won first prize.

As a joke, my brother Jay used to  hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all  he wanted was for Santa to fill them.

What they say about Santa  checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning,  although Jay's kids' stockings overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly  empty.

One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on  sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell  those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore  downtown.

If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go.  you'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like,  'What does this do?' 'You're kidding me!' 'Who would buy that?' Finally, I  made it to the inflatable doll section.

I wanted to buy a  standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in  my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour.   

Finding what I wanted was difficult. 'Love Dolls' come in  many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the  box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I  settled for 'Lovable Louise.' She was at the bottom of the price scale. 

To call Louise a 'doll' took a huge leap of imagination. 

On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise  came to life.

My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in  during the wee morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled  the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate  some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray.  I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours.

The next morning  my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a  present that had made him VERY happy, but had left the dog confused. She  would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more.   

We all agreed that Louise should remain in her pantyhose so  the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the  traditional Christmas dinner.

My grandmother noticed Louise the  moment she walked in the door.
'What the hell is that?' she asked. 

My brother quickly explained, 'It's a doll.'

'Who would  play with something like that?' Granny snapped.

I kept my mouth  shut.

'Where are her clothes?' Granny continued.

'Boy,  that turkey sure smells nice, Gran,' Jay said, to steer her into the  dining room.

But Granny was relentless. 'Why doesn't she have any  teeth?'

Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was  Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying,  'Hang on Granny, hang on!'

My grandfather, a delightful old man  with poor eyesight, sidled up t o me and said, ' Hey, who's the naked gal  by the fireplace?' I told him she was Jay's friend.

A few minutes  later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just  talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be  Grandpa's last Christmas at home.

The dinner went well. We made  the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be  killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise like my father in the bathroom  in the morning. Then she lurched from the mantel, flew around the room  twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. The cat screamed. I passed  cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to  his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. 

My brother fell back over his chair and wet his  pants.

Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and  sat in the car.

It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and  remember.

Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough  examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that  Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh. 

Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored  her to perfect health.

I can't wait until next  Christmas.

[Katonsdad]

           

You  are the funny one !!!!!

[willieandwinnie]

Morris returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him that he has only 24 hours to live.

Given the prognosis, Morris asks his wife for sex. Naturally, she agrees, so they make love. About 6 hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time? Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again.
Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife ' s shoulder and asks, Honey, please... just one more time before I die. She says, ' Of course, Dear, ' and they make love for the third time.

After this session, the wife rolls over and falls to sleep. Morris, however, worried about his impending death, tosses and turns, until he ' s down to 4 more hours.
He taps his wife, who rouses. ' Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could...
At this point the wife sits up and says, ' Listen Morris, enough is enough I have to get up in the morning... you don't. '

[Wenchie58]

LMAO!!  The Christmas story was priceless!!

[willieandwinnie]

you have probably seen this but it is so funny I thought I post anyway

Let Bygones be Bygones

The rest of the world cannot understand how after bitter election campaigns, American politicians can return to reality. For instance, Sarah Palin has invited to her great state of Alaska the men who defeated her, Barack Obama and Joe Biden.

She has provided a moose hunting trip for their enjoyment and has hired two other prominent men to assist them. Dick Cheney will instruct them in safe gun handling, and Ted Kennedy will drive them back to their cabins in the evening.

What a gal! That Sarah is such a sport and thinks of everything.

[willieandwinnie]

FOR ALL YOU TEACHERS

Little Johnny's at it again..... A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?' 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'

* * * * * * * * * * *

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. 'What's the matter?' asked Little Johnny. 'Giving up?'

* * * * * * * * * * *

The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said,  'Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?' Little Johnny quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'

** * * * * * * * * *

Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him.'Little Johnny asked, 'Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?'

* * * * * * * * * * *
Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Johnny, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom.'

[Joe Paul]

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.  The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.
 
The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no fulltime employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling.  I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'
 
'I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'
 
The auditor thinks for a moment and says, 'Okay.  Go ahead.'
 
Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'
 
The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'
 
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it.
The auditors jaw drops.
 
Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'
 
Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't bl ind , so he takes the bet.
 
Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness.  He starts to get nervous.
 
'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks.  'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'
 
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there is no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
 
Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.
 
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.
 
But Grandpa 's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
 
'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.
 
'Not really,' says the attorney.  'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!' 

[mikey07840]

An elderly couple were walking about the streets of their home, Moscow. They each feel drops of moisture on their faces. The man says that it is snowing, but his wife is convinced that it's raining. Finally, they see General Rudolph walking by, and the woman calls him over to settle the dispute. The general says it's definitely rain. The man doesn't believe him. Sighing, his wife tells him, "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."

[mikey07840]

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

- - - - -

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

- - - - -

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain,they name him "Juan". Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds,"But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

[Joe Paul]

Skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him.

The big guy sees the little guy staring at him looks down and says: "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private, 3 pound testicles, Turner Brown."

The white man faints and falls to the floor.

The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him.  The big guys says:  "What's wrong with you?"

In a weak voice the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you say to me?"

The big dude says:  "I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me....I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 Pounds, I have a 20 inch private, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each, and my name is Turner Brown."

The small guys says:  "Turner Brown?  Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, 'Turn around!'"

[Joe Paul]

A senior citizens' group charters a bus from Burlington , IA , to Branson , MO. As they entered Missouri , an elderly woman comes up to the driver and says, 'I've just been molested!'
The driver felt that she had fallen asleep and had a dream. So he tells her to go back to her seat, and sit down.
A short time later, another old woman comes forward, and claims that she was just molested.
The driver thought he had a bus load of old wackos, but who would be molesting those old ladies?
About 10 minutes later, a third old lady comes up and says that she'd been molested too.
The bus driver decides that he'd had enough, and pulls into the first rest area. When he turns the lights on and stands up, he sees an old man on his hands and knees crawling in the aisles.
'Hey gramps, what are you doing down there?' says the bus driver.
'I lost my toupee. I thought I found it three times, but every time I try to grab it..., it runs away...!!'

[Wenchie58]

A man and his wife were shopping in their local Wal-Mart 
The man picked up a case of Budweiser and put it in their cart.
'What do you think you're doing?' asked the wife.
'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,' he replied.
'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demanded the wife, and so they
carried on shopping.
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream
and put it in the basket.
'What do you think you're doing?' asked the husband.
'Its my face cream It makes me look beautiful,' replied the wife.
Her husband retorted: 'so does 24 cans of Budweiser and its half the
price.'
 

On the PA system:
'Cleanup needed on aisle 25, we have a husband down'

[/b]