-=- THE OFFICIAL I HATE DIALYSIS.COM JOKE THREAD -=- (Bold type please!)

[angela515]

Hahahahaha...

(Evolution Rocks)

[Ang]

 

[Katonsdad]

 
THE SPOILED UNDER-30 CROWD!!!
If you are 30 or older you will think this is
hilarious!!!

When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with
their tedious diatribes about how hard things were
when they were growing up; what with walking
twenty-five miles to school every morning ... uphill
BOTH ways.

yadda, yadda, yadda

And I remember promising myself that when I grew up,
there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of
crap like that on kids about how hard I had it and how
easy they've got it!

But now that... I'm over the ripe old age of thirty, I
can't help but look around and notice the youth of
today.

You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my
childhood, you live in a damn Utopia!

And I hate to say it but you kids today you don't know
how good you've got it!

I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have The Internet.
If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the
damn library and look it up ourselves, in the card
catalog!!

There was no email!! We had to actually write somebody
a letter with a pen!  Then you had to walk all the way
across the street and put it in the mailbox and it
would take like a week to get there!

There were no MP3's or Napsters! You wanted to steal
music, you had to hitchhike to the damn record store
and shoplift it yourself!

Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the
radio and the DJ' d usually talk over the
beginning and @#*% it all up!
We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you
were on the phone and somebody else called they got a
busy signal, that's it!

And we didn't have fancy Caller ID Boxes either!  When
the phone rang, you had no idea who it was!
It could be your school, your mom, your boss, your
bookie, your drug dealer, a collections agent, you
just didn't know!!!  You had to pick it up and take
your chances, mister!

We didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation video games
with high-resolution 3-D graphics!
We had the Atari 2600!  With games like 'Space
Invaders' and 'asteroids'. Your guy was a little
square!  You actually had to use your imagination!!
And there were no multiple levels or creens, it was
just one screen forever!

And you could never win.  The game just kept getting
harder and harder and faster and faster until you
died!   
 

Just like LIFE!

When you went to the movie theater there no such thing
as stadium seating!
All the seats were the same height!  If a tall guy or
some old broad with a hat sat in front of you and you
couldn't see, you were just screwed!

Sure, we had cable television, but back then that was
only like 15 channels and there was no on screen menu
and no remote control!  You had to use a little book
called a TV Guide to find out what was on!  You were
screwed when it came to channel surfing!  You had to
get off your ass and walk over to the TV to change the
channel and there was no Cartoon Network either! You
could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you
hear what I'm saying!?!
We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled
little rat-bastards!

And we didn't have microwaves, if we wanted to heat
something up we had to use the stove or go build a
friging fire.  Imagine that!
If we wanted popcorn, we had to use that stupid Jiffy
Pop thing and shake it over the stove forever like an
idiot.

That's exactly what I'm talking about!  You kids today
have got it too easy.  You're spoiled.
You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in
1980!

Regards,
The over 30 Crowd

[Katonsdad]

My living will

This may be the best Living Will I've Seen



I,__________________, being of sound mind and body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means. Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of pinhead politicians who couldn't pass ninth-grade biology if their lives depended on it, or lawyers/doctors interested in simply running up the bills. If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to ask for at least one of the following:

Glass of wine
Chocolate
Margarita
Sex
Martini
Cold Beer
Chocolate
Chicken fried steak
Cream gravy
Sex
Mexican food
Chocolate
French fries
Chocolate
Pizza
Sex
Ice cream
Cup of tea
Chocolate
Chocolate
Sex
Chocolate

It should be presumed that I won't ever get better. When such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct my appointed person and attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes, let the 'fat lady sing,' and call it a day!

[rose1999]

Here's one that probably only the Brits will understand so apologies to everyone else but I thought it was hilarious.

Joey Barton interview:
 
"The first day's the toughest, no doubt about it. They march you in, hand you your uniform and force you to pose for the photographer while loads of fat, tattooed, skinheads shout abuse at you. That's when you know it's for real. A whole life blown away in the blink of an eye. Nothing left but all the time in the world to think about it. That's when it hits home. That's when you realise you've signed for Newcastle."

[Ang]

 

[willieandwinnie]

The Presidential election was too close to call. Neither the Republican candidate nor the Democratic candidate had enough votes to win. There was much talk about ballot recounting, court challenges, etc., but a week-long ice fishing competition seemed the sportsmanlike way to settle things. The candidate that caught the most fish at the end of the week would win the election.
   
Therefore, it was decided that there should be an ice fishing contest between the two candidates to determine the winner.
   
After much of back and forth discussion, it was decided that the contest take place on a remote frozen lake in northern Minnesota .
   
There were to be no observers present, and both men were to be sent out separately on this isolated lake and return at 5 P.M. with their catch for counting and verification by a team of neutral parties. At the end of the first day, John McCain returned to the starting line and he had ten fish.
   
Soon, Obama returned and had no fish. Well, everyone assumed he was just having another 'bad hair' day or something and hopefully, he would catch up the next day.
   
At the end of the 2nd day John McCain came in with 20 fish and Obama came in again with none.
   
That evening, Harry Reid got together secretly with Obama and said, "Obama, I think John McCain is a low-life, cheatin' son-of-a-gun. I want you to go out tomorrow and don't even bother with fishing. Just spy on him and see just how he is cheating."
 
The next night (after John McCain returns with 50 fish), Harry said to Obama, "Well, Obama, tell me. How is John Mc. cheating?"
 
Obama replied, "Harry, you're not going to believe this, but he's chopping holes in the ice!"

[willieandwinnie]

CHANGE IS COMING!

The buzzword of this election is 'CHANGE.' Candidates toss it around without saying what they want to change to. Just what we need.....CHANGE!

This brings to mind the following illustration.

Years ago, there was an old tale in the Marine Corps about a Major who inspected his Marines and told the Gunny Sergeant that they smelled bad. The major suggested that they change their underwear. The Gunny responded, 'Aye, aye, sir. I'll see to it immediately.' He went into the tent and said, 'The Major thinks you guys smell bad, and he wants you to change your underwear. Smith, you change with Jones, McCarthy, you change with Witkowskie, Brown, you change with Schultz....everyone change, now get on with it.'

And the moral of this story is: A candidate may promise change in Washington ... but the stink remains!

[thegrammalady]

 

[Katonsdad]

 

... AND THEN THE FIGHT STARTED...



When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I
take her someplace expensive... So, I took her to a
gas station...

And then the fight started....

************************************************************************

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high
school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady
swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.


My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I
understand she took to drinking right after we split
up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been
sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person
could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...

***********************************************************************

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were
alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out
of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo
stressed and little things just seem funny?

Yeah, well I couldn't believe it... He was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and
shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!'

So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which
one are you?'

And then the fight started...

 

***********************************************************************

 

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office
to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the
counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my
age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my
wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very
sorry, but I would have to go home and come back
later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my
shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof
enough for me' and she processed my Social Security
application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my
experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'you should have dropped your pants. You
might have gotten disability, too.'

And then the fight started...

[Ang]

 

[Katonsdad]

      Three women friends, one in a casual
relationship, one engaged to be married and one a
long-time wife, met for drinks after work.  The
conversation eventually drifted towards how best to
spice up their sex lives.
   
  After much discussion, they decided to surprise
their men by engaging in some S&M role playing.
   
  The following week they met up again to compare
notes. Sipping her drink, the single girl leered and
said, 'Last Friday at the end of the work day I w
ent to my boyfriend's office wearing a leather coat.
 When all the other people had left, I slipped out
of it and all I had on was a leather bodice, black
stockings and stiletto heels.  He was so aroused
that we made mad passionate love on his desk right
then and there!'
   
  The engaged woman giggled and said, 'That's pretty
much my story!  When my fiancé  got home last
Friday, he found me waiting for him in a black mask,
leather bodice, black hose and stiletto pumps.  He
was so turned on that we not only did it all night,
he wants to move up our wedding date!
   
  The married woman put her glass down and said, 'I
did a lot of planning.  I made arrangements for the
kids to stay over at Grandma's.  I took a long
scented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume.  I
slipped into a tight leather bodice, a black garter
belt, black stockings and six-inch stilettos. I
finished it off with a black mask.  When my husband
got home from work, he grabbed a beer and the
remote, sat down and yelled,

'Hey, Batman, what's for dinner? 
   

 

[Katonsdad]

At one point during a game, the coach called one of
his 9-year-old baseball players aside and asked, "Do
you understand what cooperation is?  What a team
is?"       The little boy nodded in the affirmative.


  "Do you understand that what matters is whether we
win or lose together as a team?" 
 
  The little boy nodded yes.   "So," the coach
continued, "I'm sure you know, when an out is
called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the
umpire, or call him a pecker-head.  Do you
understand all that?"

The little boy nodded again.

The coach continued, "And when I take you out of the
game so another boy gets a chance to play, it's not
good sportsmanship to call your coach 'a dumb ass'
is it?"

Again, the little boy nodded.

"Good," said the coach.  "Now go over there and
explain all that to your Grandmother." 

[monrein]

Kevin was about to turn 90 so his friends decided to combine their funds and buy him an evening of super sex with a classy and very expensive escort.  She arrived at his house on the evening of his birthday, rang the doorbell and asked him if it was his birthday.  Kevin looked a bit puzzled but said that it was.  Well, "I'm here to offer you some SUPER SEX" said the escort.  Kevin thought for a few moments before replying "Well since you're offering I'll take the soup"

[twirl]

oh , now I get it ------------- super sex    or     soup or sex

[Katonsdad]

What kind of soup?   

[mikey07840]

Only kids who grew up in the '80s can explain...

1.   They owned and operated a "trapper keeper."
2.   They can explain the "cha-ching" thing.
3.   They know what a "burnout" is.
4.   They know what "psych" means.
5.   During time in the arcade, they actually lined up quarters on the top panel of the game to "reserve" a spot.
6.   They know the profound meaning of "Wax on, Wax off."
7.   They know that another name for a keyboard is a "synthesizer."
8.   They can name at least half of the members of the elite "Brat Pack."
9.   They know who Tina Yothers is.
10.   They felt ashamed when Rob Lowe got in trouble for having sex with minors and videotaping it, because they liked him.
11.   They know who Max Headroom is.
12.   They could breakdance, or wished they could.
13.   Partying "like it's 1999" seemed SOOO far away.
14.   They thought that "transformers" were more than meets the eye.
15.   They can, right now, hum the theme to Inspector Gadget.
16.   They wanted to be on Star Search.
17.   They can remember what Michael Jackson looked like before his nose fell off.
18.   They wore banana clips at some point during their youth, or knew someone who did.
19.   They owned a doll with "Xavier Roberts" signed on its rear, or knew someone who did.
20.   They knew what Willis was "talkin' 'bout."
21.   They HAD to have their MTV.
22.   They hold a special place in their hearts for Back to the Future.
23.   They thought Molly Ringwald was REALLY cool.
24.   They actually thought Dirty Dancing was a REALLY good movie.
25.   They collected Garbage Pail Kids.
26.   They actually saw Ted Danson as the MacDaddy he played "Sam" to be.
27.   They remember when ATARI was a state of the art video game system.
28.   They own(ed) cassette singles.
29.   They were led to believe that, in the year 2000, we'd all be living on the moon.
30.   They owned pieces of the Care Bear Glass collection from Pizza Hut.
31.   Poltergeist freaked them out.
32.   They have occasionally pondered why Smurfette was the ONLY female smurf.
33.   They know what a Doozer is.
34.   They wore bike shorts underneath a short skirt and felt stylish, or knew someone who did.
35.   They had Swatch Watches.
36.   They had WonderWoman or Superman underoos.
37.   They know what a "Whammee" is.


Edited: Fixed bold tag - okarol/admin

[twirl]

that was fun to read
brings back old memories
I did not grow up in the 80's but fondly remember most of it

[okarol]

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying
 the  mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

 When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by
 the  whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way
 with a big gift envelope.

 At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.

 The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific
 fishing lures.

 At each of the houses along his route, he was met with
 congratulations, farewells, cards, and gifts.

 At the final house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful
 blonde in a revealing negligee.  She took him by the hand, gently
 led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs
 to the bedroom where they had a most passionate liaison.

 Afterwards, they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant
 breakfast:  eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed
 orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming
 coffee.
 
 As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from
 under the cup's bottom edge.

 All this was just too wonderful for words,' he said, ' but what's
 the dollar for?

 'Well,' she said, 'last night, I told my husband that today would be
 your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I
 asked him what to give you.

 He said, ' Screw him.......give him a dollar.'

 The blonde then blushed and said, 'The breakfast was my idea.'

[circleNthedrain]

A group of 2nd, 3rd and 4th graders, accompanied
 by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the
 local racetrack (Churchill Downs) to learn about
 thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry
 (Bourbon), but mostly to see the horses.
 When it was time to take the children to the
 restroom it was decided that the girls would go with
 one teacher and the boys would go with the other.
 The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside
 the men's room when one of the boys came out and
 told her that none of them could reach the urinals.
 Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys
 with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys
 up one by one, holding onto their "wee wees" to
 direct the flow.
 As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice
 that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to
 show that she was staring, the teacher said, "You
 must be in the 4th grade."
 "No, ma'am," he replied. "I'm the jockey riding
 Silver Arrow in the seventh.

[circleNthedrain]

An 86 year old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk....

The receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?"

"There's something wrong with my dick", he replied. The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that." "Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.

The receptionist replied; "Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear and discussed the problem further with the doctor in private."

The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone.

The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered. The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes??"

"There's something wrong with my ear", he stated. The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.

"And what is wrong with your ear, Sir??"

"I can't piss out of it," he replied.

The waiting room erupted in laughter.

[okarol]

The Pope and the Rabbi

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal: he'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community.  If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.

The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise rabbi to represent them in the debate.  However, as the rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Yiddish, they agreed that it would be a 'silent' debate.

On the chosen day the Pope and rabbi sat opposite each other.

The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.

The rabbi looked back and raised one finger.

Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head.

The rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat.

The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine.

The rabbi pulled out an apple.

With that, the Pope stood up and declared himself beaten and said that the rabbi was too clever.  The Jews could stay in Italy.

Later the cardinals met with the Pope and asked him what had happened.

The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up a single finger to remind me there is still only one God common to both our beliefs.  Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around us.  The rabbi responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us.  I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins, and the rabbi pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin.  He bested me at every move and I could not continue."

Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to ask the rabbi how he'd won.

"I haven't a clue," said the rabbi. "First, he told me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger.  Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews and I told him that we were staying right here.

"And then what?" asked a woman.

"Who knows?" said the rabbi. "He took out his lunch so I took out mine."

[mcjane]

 

[twirl]

I saw this on a movie on TV today
Mr.Bean played a preacher and he was not in character
what is the difference between praying in church and praying in a casino?
in the casino you really mean it[/b][/b]

[breezysummerday]

MARRIAGE SEMINAR

While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication,

Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor,

"It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes."

He addressed the man, "Can you name your wife's favorite flower?"

Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it?


EDITED: Fixed bold format - okarol, admin