-=- THE OFFICIAL I HATE DIALYSIS.COM JOKE THREAD -=- (Bold type please!)

[Des]

Why Parents Drink

 

 

             The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was

             absent but had not phoned in sick one day. Needing to have an

             urgent problem with one of the main computers resolved, he

             dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a

             child's whisper. ' Hello ? '

 

             'Is your daddy home?' he asked.

 

             ' Yes ,' whispered the small voice.

 

             May I talk with him?'

 

             The child whispered, ' No .'

 

             Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked,

             'Is your Mommy there?' ' Yes '

 

             'May I talk with her?' Again the small voice whispered, ' No '

 

             Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message,

             the boss asked, 'Is anybody else there?'

 

             ' Yes ,' whispered the child, ' a policeman. '

 

             Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home,

             the boss asked, 'May I speak with the policeman?'

 

             ' No, he's busy , ' whispered the child.

 

             'Busy doing what?'

 

             ' Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman  and the priest

             , ' came the whispered answer.

 

             Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the

             background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked,

             'What is that noise?'

 

             ' A helicopter ' answered the whispering voice.

 

             'What is going on there?' demanded the boss, now truly

             apprehensive.

             Again, whispering, the child answered,

 

             ' The search team just landed a helicopter '

 

             Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked,

             'What are they searching for?'

 

             Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled

             giggle...

 

             ' ME ! '
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

[Des]

Hi,

Please remove the ones that's too rough....

I am not sure what's allowed....
I do not want to get into trouble ......

O yes.... and I really can't get the bold thing to work either...

[YLGuy]

If a man is is the woods all alone and he speaks, is he still wrong?

[Des]

yep...
sorry

[Darthvadar]

An old man in his mid-eighties struggles to get up
from the couch then starts putting on his coat. His
wife, seeing the unexpected behavior, asks,
"Where are you going?"
He replies, "I'm going to the doctor."
She says, "Why, are you sick?"
He says, "Nope, I'm going to get me some of that
Viagra stuff."

Immediately the wife starts working and positioning
herself to get out of her rocker and begins to put
on her coat.
He says, "Where the heck are you going"?
She answers, "I'm going to the doctor, too."
He says, "Why, what do you need?"
She says, "If you're going to start using that rusty old thing, I'm getting a Tetanus shot."

[marti824]

An old man goes to the doctor, and he doctor tells him, I need a blood sample, a urine sample and a stool sample."  The ld an replies, "Here, take my shorts."

[Darthvadar]

Old guy in a Nursing Home forgets to zip up after being to the bathroom... A nurse discreetly says "George, the Garage Doors are open"... George replies "Thanks Nurse, Did you see the Ferrari in the Garage???"... "No" replied the nurse "there's nothing there apart from a rusty old Mini with two flat tyres!"...




Edited: Added bold tag - okarol/admin

[okarol]

A blonde named Bambi finds herself in serious trouble. Her business has gone bust
 and she's in dire financial straits. She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help.

 She begins to pray... "God, please help me. I've lost my business
 and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well.  Please let me win the lottery."

 Lottery night comes, and somebody else wins.

 She again prays... "God, please let me win the lottery! I've lost my
 business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."

 Lottery night comes and she still has no luck.

 Once again, she prays... "My God, why have you forsaken me? I've
 lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving.
 
 I don't often ask You for help, and have always been a good servant to You.

 PLEASE let me win the lottery just this one time so I can get my life back in order."

 Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open.
 The blonde is overwhelmed by the Voice of God, Himself....

 "Bambi sweetheart, work with Me on this.... Buy a ticket."

[marti824]

three Southern Women were sitting around the pool talking.

 the first woman says, "My husband is just so wonderful to me.  He buys me diamonds and furs, I could not ask for more."  The second woman seemed very impressed.  the third woman said, "How nice."

 The second woman said, "Well, my husband is just as wonderful.  he buys me new cars and takes me on vacations."  The third woman said, "Well how nice!"  The first woman asks, What does your husband do for you?"

"Well, my husband sent me to finishing school." The third woman said.

"Finishing school?  Why what on Earth ever for?"

"That's where I learned to say things like how nice, instead of F--- you."

[Chris]

Grandma Still Drives

Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She
writes:                                     
Dear Grand-daughter,



The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a
'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker ..   


I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from
a thrilling choir performance, followed   
by a thunderous prayer meeting..



So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.



Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed.



I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in
thought about the Lord and how good he is, and
I didn't notice that the light had changed.



It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't
honked, I'd never have noticed.                 


I found that lots of people love Jesus!



While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy,
and then he leaned out of his window and   
screamed, 'For the love of God!'



'Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'



What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!



Everyone started honking!



I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those
loving people.                           


I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!



There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him
yelling something about a sunny beach.   


I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger
stuck up in the air.                         


I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant.



He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.



Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window
and gave him the good luck sign right     
back.



My grandson burst out laughing.



Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!



A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that
they got out of their cars and started   
walking towards me.



I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is
when I noticed the light had changed.       


So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on
through the intersection.                     


I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection
before the light changed again and felt kind
of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared.



So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the
Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I
drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!



Will write again soon

[Chris]

THE LIE DETECTOR

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmicks.
 
 His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change.

One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.
 
It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.
 
"Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked John.

"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy.

The robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.

"Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school."

"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie" said Tommy.

"What did you watch?" asked Marsha.
 
"The Ten Commandments." answered Tommy.

The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair.

With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen."

"I am ashamed of you son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents."

The robot walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.

Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, "Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!"

The robot walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.

[marti824]

Yesterday I was buying 2 large bags of Purina dog chow at Walmart, for
my dogs.
I was about to check out when a woman behind me asked if I had
a dog.
What did she think, that I had an elephant?


Since I had little else to do, on impulse,  I told her that no, I
didn't have a dog,  and that I was starting the Purina Diet again,
although I probably shouldn't because I ended up in the hospital last
time.
 
On the bright side though, I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened
in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of every hole in my
body and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that
it works is to load your pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one
or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally
complete so I was going to try it again.  (I have to mention here that
practically everyone in the line was enthralled with my story by now.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog
food had poisoned me..
I told her no; I had stopped in the middle of the parking lot to lick
my ass and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart
attack, he was laughing so hard!  WAL-MART won't let me shop there anymore.



 

 
Edited: Fixed bold type - okarol/admin
 

[glitter]

Yesterday I was buying 2 large bags of Purina dog chow at Walmart, for
my dogs.
I was about to check out when a woman behind me asked if I had
a dog.
What did she think, that I had an elephant?


Since I had little else to do, on impulse,  I told her that no, I
didn't have a dog,  and that I was starting the Purina Diet again,
although I probably shouldn't because I ended up in the hospital last
time.
 
On the bright side though, I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened
in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of every hole in my
body and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that
it works is to load your pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one
or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally
complete so I was going to try it again.  (I have to mention here that
practically everyone in the line was enthralled with my story by now.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog
food had poisoned me..
I told her no; I had stopped in the middle of the parking lot to lick
my ass and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart
attack, he was laughing so hard!  WAL-MART won't let me shop there anymore.

This is my favorite joke of all- I laughed until I almost peed the first time I heard it!!!!

[marti824]

me too.  a friend of mine sent it to me in an email, and i just had to share it.

[cat]

PONDERISMS


· I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

· There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.

· Life is sexually transmitted.

· Healthy is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

· The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

· Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

· Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

· Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

· All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

· In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

· How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

· Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things and drink whatever comes out?'


· If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

· Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?


· If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

· If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

· Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

· Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

[BigSteve]

I am a very patient person, but it's obvious to me that the elevation comes faster if you push the
button more than once.

[willieandwinnie]

A Well-Planned  Retirement* - *From The London Times:*
 Outside the Bristol Zoo, in  England , there is a parking lot for 150 cars and 8 coaches, or buses.  It was manned by a very pleasant attendant with a ticket machine charging cars £1 (about $1.40) and coaches £5 (about $7).
This parking attendant worked there solid for all of 25 years.  Then, one day, he just didn't turn up for work.
"Oh well", said Bristol Zoo Management - "we'd better phone up the City Council and get them to send a new parking attendant..."
"Err ... no", said the Council, "that parking lot is your responsibility."
"Err ... no", said Bristol Zoo Management, "the attendant was employed by the City Council, wasn't he?"
"Err ... NO!" insisted the Council.
Sitting in his villa somewhere on the coast of Spain , is a bloke who had been taking the parking lot fees, estimated at £400 (about $560) per day at Bristol Zoo for the last 25 years. Assuming 7 days a week, this amounts to just over £3.6 million ($7 million)!
And no one even knows his name.

[Chris]

 

[Des]

I think I am due for a career change.... hahahahahah

[BigSteve]

willieandwinnie: You should have checked snopes.com about that story. It is an urban myth, published
only in an English paper on April 1st.

[mcjane]

The  train was quite crowded, so the U. S. Marine walked the
entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well-dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle.
 
The war-weary Marine asked, 'Ma'am, may I have that seat?"
 
The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular, 'Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat.'
 
The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog.
 
'Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired. 'She snorted, 'Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!'
 
This time the Marine didn't say a word, he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down. 
 
The woman shrieked, 'Someone must defend my honor! Put this American in his place!'
 
An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, 'Sir, you Americans often seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road.  And now, sir, it seems you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window. 

[YLGuy]

I don't know if this fits in this thread? 

I was at the pool today and 2 women in there thirties were swimming near me.  One of them had a cast wrapped in saran wrap.  I told them about a nearby pharmacy that sells special products to keep casts dry.  They thanked me and said that it was not a big deal if the cast got wet because it was coming off in 2 days and she was getting a plate put in her arm.  "A Plate?" I said.  "Plates make your arm vibrate".  Here feel my plate.  I let them feel my fistula.  "Oh Cr@P!" she yelled.  "My arms going to vibrate?"  I told them just kidding-They cracked up-I got them pretty good.  I have also joked...uh oh, my cell phone implant keeps ringing, I have it on vibrate, here feel. 

Is there a fun with fistulas thread?

[Chris]

Funny mcjane and YLGuy

[mcjane]

>     A married Irishman went into the
> confessional and said to his priest, 'I
> almost had an affair with another woman.'
>   
>     The priest said, 'What do you
> mean, almost?'
>   
>     The Irishman said, 'Well, we
> got undressed and rubbed together, but then
> I stopped.'
>   
>     The priest said, 'Rubbing
> together is the same as putting it in.  You're
> not to see that woman again.  For your penance, say
> five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.'
>   
>     The Irishman left the confessional,
> said his prayers, and then walked
> over to the poor box.  He paused for a moment and then
> started to leave.
>   
>     The priest, who was watching,
> quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw
> that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'
>     The Irishman replied, 'Yeah,
> but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and
> according to you, that's the same as putting it
> in!'
>   

[mcjane]

There once was a religious young
> woman who went to confession.  Upon
> entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me,
> Father, for I have sinned.
>     
>     The priest said, 'Confess your
> sins and be forgiven.'
>   
>     The young woman said, 'Last
> night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven
> times.'
>   
>     The priest thought long and hard
> and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons
> into a glass and then drink the juice.'
>   
>     The young woman asked, 'Will
> this cleanse me of my sins?'
>   
>     The priest said, 'No, but it
> will wipe that smile off of your face.'
>