-=- THE OFFICIAL I HATE DIALYSIS.COM JOKE THREAD -=- (Bold type please!)

[Darthvadar]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says, 'Hang on! You're a duck.'

'I see your eyes are working,' replies the duck.

'And you can talk!' exclaims the barman.

'I see your ears are working, too,' says the duck. 'Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?'

'Certainly, sorry about that,' says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint. 'It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?'

'I'm working on the building site across the road,' explains the duck. 'I'm a plasterer.'

The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.

So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.

The same thing happens for two weeks.

Then one day the circus comes to town.

The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him 'You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!'

'Sounds marvelous,' says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. 'Get him to give me a call.'

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, 'Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money.'

'I'm always looking for the next job,' says the duck. 'Where is it?'

'At the circus,' says the barman.

'The circus?' repeats the duck.

'That's right,' replies the barman.

'The circus?' the duck asks again. 'That place with the big tent?'

'Yeah,' the barman replies.

'With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?' says the duck.

'Of course,' the barman replies.

'And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?' persists the duck.

'That's right!' says the barman.

The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says....











'What the f*** would they want with a plasterer??!'

[Darthvadar]

Because he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly, widower
father died, Charles decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with.



Going to a singles' bar, he spotted a woman whose beauty took his breath
away.



"I'm just an ordinary man," he said, walking up to her, but in just a
week or two, my father will die and I'll inherit 20 million dollars and
would like to have someone to share it with."



The woman went home with Charles, and the next day she became his
stepmother.



Men never learn.

[Stoday]

Two builders (Phil and Eric) are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar. The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit.

Phil:
- I reckon he's an accountant.

Eric:
- No way - he's a stockbroker.

Phil:
- He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!



The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Phil and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and the several beers get the better of the builder.



Phil:
- 'Scuse me.. no offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?

Suit:
- No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession.

Phil:
- Oh! What's that then?

Suit:
- I'll try to explain by example... Do you have a goldfish at home?

Phil:
- Er... mmm . well yeah, I do as it happens!

Suit:
- Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?

Phil:
- It's in a pond!

Suit:
- Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden then?

Phil:
- As it happens, yes I have got a big garden!

Suit:
- Well then it's logical to assume that in this town if you have a large garden then you have a large house?

Phil:
- As it happens I've got a five-bedroom house...built it myself!

Suit:
- Well given that you've built a five-bedroom house it is logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite
probably married?

Phil:
- Yes I am married, I live with my wife and three children.

Suit:
- Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis?

Phil:-
Yep! Four nights a week!

Suit:
- Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very often?

Phil:
- Me? Never.

Suit:
- Well there you are! That's logical science at work!

Phil:
- How's that then?

Suit:
- Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about your sex life!

Phil:
- I see! That's pretty impressive...thanks mate!

Both leave the toilet and Phil returns to his mate.

Eric:
- I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?

Phil:
- Yep! He's a logical scientist!

Eric:
- What's that then?

Phil:
- I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?

Eric:
- Nope.

Phil:
- Well then, you're a wanker.

[danbaskett04]

Ralph came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.

He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, “You died in your sleep, Ralph.”

Ralph was stunned. “I’m dead? No, I can’t be! I’ve got too much to live for. Send me back!”

St. Peter said, “I’m sorry, but there’s only one way you can go back, and that’s as a chicken.”

Ralph was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground.

A rooster strolled past. “So, you’re the new hen, huh? How’s your first day here?”

“Not bad,” replied Ralph the hen,”but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I “m gonna explode!”

“You’re ovulating,” explained the rooster. “Don’t tell me you “ve never laid an egg before?”

“Never,” said Ralph.

“Well, just relax and let it happen,” says the rooster. “It “s no big deal.”

Ralph did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg!

Ralph was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg — his joy was overwhelming.

As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife yell…..

“Ralph! Wake up! You crap the bed again!”

[Darthvadar]

Two Ladies Talking in Heaven
 
1st woman:    "Hi!  Wanda".

2nd woman:   "Hi!  Sylvia. How'd you die?""
 
1st woman:    "I froze to death".

2nd woman:   "How horrible!".

1st woman:    "It wasn't so bad.  After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death..  What about you?"

2nd woman:   "I died of a massive heart attack.  I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act.  But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV".
 
1st woman:     "So, what happened?"
 
2nd woman:   "I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking.  I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement.  Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds.   I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died".

1st woman:     "Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive".
 
 
 
 
 

[Darthvadar]

Resurrected Rabbit...

A man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit. The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road, and got out to see what had become of the rabbit.

Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead. The driver felt so awful, he began to cry. A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.

"I feel terrible," he explained, "I accidently hit this rabbit and killed it."

The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to her car trunk, and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the rabbit.

Miraculously the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved it’s paw at the two humans and hopped down the road. 50 meters away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved and hopped down the road, another 50 meters, turned, waved and hopped another 50 meters. The man was astonished. He couldn’t figure out what substance could be in the woman’s spray can!!

He ran over to the woman and demanded, "What is in your spray can? What did you spray on that rabbit?"

The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said: "Hair spray. Restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave."

[Chris]

Ang should post some of the jokes that are sent out in emails. I'm thinking the duck one goes right with the rabbit one Darthvadar posted 

[Darthvadar]

Ang should post some of the jokes that are sent out in emails. I'm thinking the duck one goes right with the rabbit one Darthvadar posted 

Well, Chris.... Share it!.....

First Man... "My wife is the most dreadful, cranky, crabby, hard-faced woman it's ever been my misfortune to meet"...

Second Man... "My wife is a an angel"...

First Man... "You're so lucky, mine's still alive"...

[Chris]

From Ang,
Dead Duck

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon's office.  As
              she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and
              listened to the bird's chest.

              After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm
              sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

              The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"

              "Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," replied the vet.

              "How can you be so sure?" she protested, "I mean you haven't done any
              testing on him or anything.  He might just be in a coma or something."

              The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room.

              He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador retriever.

              As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind
              legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck
              from top to bottom.   He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and
              shook his head.

              The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room.

              A few minutes later he returned with a cat.   The cat jumped on the
              table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot.   The cat
              sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out
              of the room.

              The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is
              most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

              The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a
              bill, which he handed to the woman.

              The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill.

              "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

              The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry If you had just taken my word for it, the
              bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's
              now $150."

[Darthvadar]

Ha Ha!!!.... The old ones are the best, Chris!...

Have you heard about the dentist who married a podiatrist???.... Not getting on well.... Fighting tooth and nail!...

[Darthvadar]

This one's a bit naughty....

Paddy was walking through a town one day when he say a shop with a notice in the window. The notice said "We sell everything". Paddy could not believe this so he went inside. He walked to the counter and asked the salesperson, "Do you really sell everything?" The salesperson said "Yes, everything".

Thinking this was too good to be true Paddy said "OK then could I have a jumper for a chicken?". The salesperson said "A jumper for a chicken?, hold on I will have to check the stock out the back". Five minutes later, the salesperson returned with a brown paper bag. "Here you go, one jumper for a chicken"

"How much?" asked Paddy.

"Three quid." replied the salesperson.

"Three quid for a jumper for a chicken - excellent." said Paddy. So away he went as happy as larry. When he got outside he thought to himself that maybe he was done, so he looked inside the bag. At the bottom of the bag was a condom.

He was mad and stormed back into the shop. He screamed at the saleperson "Hey, I asked you for a jumper for a chicken and you have given me a condom - whats going on?"

The salesperson replied, "Sorry mate, I checked in the back and we seem to be all out of jumpers for chickens, all we had was a pullover for a cock."

[Darthvadar]

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!" The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!" Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.

Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Sh*t, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"

[Stoday]

A man who reeked of alcohol flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of rum was sticking out of his ripped jacket pocket. He opened his newspaper and started reading. After a few minutes, the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked "Say, Father, do you know what causes arthritis?"

The priest, disgusted by the man's appearance and behavior snapped "It's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and a contempt for your fellow man!"

"Well, I'll be," the man muttered and returned to his newspaper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized, "I'm sorry to have come on so strong - I didn't mean it. How long have you been suffering from arthritis?"

"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

[Darthvadar]

A Spanish Teacher was explaining

to her class that in Spanish, unlike

English, nouns are designated as
 
either masculine or feminine.

'House' for instance, is feminine:
'la casa.' Pencil,' however, is
masculine: 'el lapiz.'

A student asked, 'What gender is
'computer'?'

Instead of giving the answer, the
teacher split the class into two
groups, male and female, and
asked them to decide for
themselves whether computer'
should be a masculine or a
feminine noun. Each group was
asked to give four reasons for
its recommendation.

The men's group decided that
'computer' should definitely be
of the feminine gender ('la
computadora'), because:

1. No one but their creator
understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use
to communicate with other
computers is incomprehensible
to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes
are stored in long term memory
for possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a
commitment to one, you find
yourself spending half your
paycheck on accessories for it.

(THIS GETS BETTER!)

The women's group, however,
concluded that computers should
be Masculine ('el computador'),
because:

1. In order to do anything with
them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still
can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you
solve problems, but half the time
they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one,
you realize that if you had waited
a little longer, you could have
gotten a better model.

The women won!!!.

[Darthvadar]

A woman who's just gont through the divorce from Hell, was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the  woods.

She went into the woods to look for it and found a  frog in a trap.

The frog said to her, 'If you release me  from this trap, I will grant you three
wishes.'

The woman freed  the frog, and the frog said, 'Thank you, but I failed to
mention that  there was a condition to your wishes.

Whatever you wish for, your horrible ex- husband will get double!'

The woman said,  'That's okay.'

For her first  wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the  world.

The frog warned her, 'You do realize that this wish will also make your ex-husband
the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to'.

The woman  replied, 'That's okay, because I've finished with him long ago.'

So, KAZAM..... She's the most beautiful Woman in the world!

For her second wish, she  wanted to be the richest woman in the world.

The frog said,  'That will make your ex-husband the richest man in the world. And he will be twice as  be as you.'

The woman said, 'That's  okay, it's a small price to pay.'

So, KAZAM... She's  the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired  about her third wish, and she answered, 'Well, I've always fancied donating a kidney!'

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess  with them.

[Darthvadar]

The Irish have a low stress rate because they do not take medical terminology seriously. You are going to die anyway, so live life.....


Irish Medical Dictionary....


Artery............................The study of paintings

Bacteria.........................Back door to cafeteria

Barium...........................What doctors do when patients die

Benign............................What you be, after you be eight

Caesarean Section.........A neighborhood in Rome

Catscan........................Searching for Kitty

Cauterize.......................Made eye contact with her

Colic..............................A sheep dog

Coma.............................A punctuation mark

Dilate.............................To live long

Enema...........................Not a friend

Fester............................Quicker than someone else

Fibula............................A small lie

Impotent........................Distinguished, well known

Labour Pain...................Getting hurt at work

Medical Staff..................A Doctor's cane

Morbid............................A higher offer

Nitrates..........................Cheaper than day rates

Node..............................I knew it

Outpatient......................A person who has fainted

Pelvis.............................Second cousin to Elvis

Post Operative...............A letter carrier

Recovery Room.............Place to do upholstery

Rectum..........................Nearly killed him

Secretion.......................Hiding something

Seizure..........................Roman emperor

Tablet............................A small table

Terminal Illness.............Getting sick at the airport

Tumor...........................One plus one more

Urine.............................Opposite of you're out

[Darthvadar]

Mick had been in Police work for 25 years. 
Finally sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible.
He sees the postman once a week and gets
groceries once a month.
Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and
a huge, bearded man is standing there.

'Name's Cliff, your neighbor from forty miles
up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday 
night. Thought you might like to come at
about 5:00....'

'Great', says Mick, 'after six months out
here I'm ready to meet some local folks
Thank you.'

As Cliff is leaving, he stops. 'Gotta warn you.
Be some drinking'...'

'Not a problem' says Mick. 'After 25 years
in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em'.

Again, the big man starts to leave and stops.
'More 'n' likely gonna be some fighting' too..'

'Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right! .
I'll be there. Thanks again.'

'More'n likely be some wild sex, too,'

'Now that's really not a problem' says Mick,
warming to the idea. 'I've been all alone for
six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way,
what should I wear?'

'Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us.'
 
 

[okarol]

  Some good ones there Darth!!

[Darthvadar]

This one's a bit naughty....

Man hears from a friend that his rather promiscuous ex wife may be having difficulties with her recent kidney transplant.... Man says "Never you fear, that kidney will be fine... My ex will have it for ever"..

Friend asks "How can you be so sure???"...

Man replies "Because that woman hasn't rejected an organ in thirty years!"....

[Chris]

The Cat
A man absolutely hated his wife's cat
And decided to get rid of him one
Day by driving him 20 blocks
From his home and leaving him at the park. 

As he was getting home, the cat was
Walking up the driveway. 

The next day he decided to drive the cat
40 blocks away. He put the beast
Out and headed home. 

Driving back up his driveway,
There was the cat!

He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.
!
Hours later the man calls home to his wife:







"Jen, is the cat there?" 

"Yes," the wife answers, "why do you ask?" 

Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that SOB on the phone, I'm lost and need directions!" 

The cat's response. 

[jennyc]

The Irish have a low stress rate because they do not take medical terminology seriously. You are going to die anyway, so live life.....

Ah Hum... the Irish I've met take nothing seriously! everything is a Craic! I used to work in a Pub and at one point 80% of our clientelle were Irish expats who were living in Sydney. Funniest guys i've ever met. Nort/south doesn't matter once you get to Sydney they all intermingle. And they are the ONLY ones i've met who truely understand the Aussie sense of humour.. ie if an Aussie pays out on you he likes you and expects you to give it back 10times harder. Our favourite comedian is Jimeon.

Ok, One of the Irish told me this joke (names have been replaced as it was originally an Irish 'Paddy' joke)

Mick was sitting in the pub when joined by his mate davey who had a rather large smile on his face.
davey says, "ya know Mick you really aughta close ya blinds when you and your wife are having sex! I was walking past your house last night and saw you and ya missus going at it hard"
Mick turns to Davey with a grin on his face "well the jokes on you mate, i wasn't even home last night!"*****************************************************

A young woman is driving down the highway when she spots and old Indian woman (American Indian) sitting by the side of the road. In a giving mood the woman stops to offer her a lift. Once in the car the old woman spots a bottle of good wine on the rear seat. Noticing  her passengers interest the young woman smiles and comments "it's a nice wine, expensive, I got it for my husband!". The old woman sits qiuetly for a moment, pondering. She nods her head and quielty responds "good swap!"

*****************************************************

[jennyc]

Three mischievous old Grannies were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home...
....when an old Grandpa walked by.
One of the old Grandmas yelled to him, saying, "We bet we can tell exactly how old you are!"
The old man said, "There is no way you can guess it, you old fools."
One of the old Grandmas said, "Sure we can! Just drop your pants and undershorts and we can tell your exact age."
Embarrassed just a little, but anxious to prove they couldn't do it, he dropped his drawers.
The Grandmas asked him to first turn around a couple of times and to jump up and down several times. Then they all piped up and said, "You're 87 years old!"
Standing with his pants down around his ankles, the old gent asked, "How in the world did you guess?"
Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, the three old ladies happily yelled in unison,

"We were at your birthday party yesterday!"

****************************************

Have you Ever asked yourself,
What snowmen  Do  During summertime......

[jennyc]

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has screwed him for $10,000,000. This bookkeeper is deaf. It was considered an occupational benefit. He got the job since it was assumed that as a deaf bookkeeper, he would not be able to hear anything he'd ever have to testify in court about in the first place. When the Godfather goes to shake down the bookkeeper about his missing $10,000,000, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language. The Godfather asks the bookkeeper: "Where is the $10,000,000 you embezzled from me?" The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the $10,000,000 is hidden. The bookkeeper signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about." The attorney tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about." That's when the Godfather pulls out a 9 mm pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple, cocks it and says, "Ask him again!" The attorney signs to the underling, "He'll kill you for sure if you don't tell him!" The bookkeeper signs back, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzio's backyard in Brooklyn !" The Godfather asks the attorney, "Well, what'd he say?" The attorney replies, "He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger. 

[jennyc]

Family Tree of Vincent Van Gogh:

His dizzy aunt ----------------- Verti Gogh

The brother who ate prunes----------------- Gotta Gogh

The brother who worked at a convenience store ----- Stop N Gogh

The grandfather from Yugoslavia ------------ U Gogh

His magician uncle ---------- Where-diddy Gogh

His Mexican cousin ---------------------- A Mee Gogh

The Mexican cousin's American half-brother ---------- Gring Gogh

The nephew who drove a stage coach -------- Wells-far Gogh

The constipated uncle -------------- Can't Gogh

The ballroom dancing aunt --------------------- Tang Gogh

The bird lover uncle ------------------------- Flamin Gogh

The fruit-loving cousin -------------------------- Man Gogh

An aunt who taught positive thinking ---------- Way-to-Gogh

The little bouncy nephew ------------------ Poe Gogh

A sister who loved disco ------------------ Go Gogh

And his niece who travels the country in an RV ------- Winnie Bay Gogh

I saw you smiling . . . there ya Gogh!

[jennyc]

A man calls home to his wife and says,  'Honey, I have been asked to fly to
Canada with my boss and several of his friends for fishing.We'll be gone for
a long weekend.  This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion
I've been wanting so could you please pack enough clothes for a 3 day
weekend.  And also would you get out my rod and tackle box from the attic?
We're leaving at 4:30 pm from the office and I will swing by the house to
pick my things up.  'Oh! And please pack my new navy blue silk pajamas..'

The wife thinks this sounds a bit odd, but, being the good wife,  She does
exactly what her husband asked.

Following the long weekend he came home a little tired, but, otherwise,
looking good. The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish?

He says, 'Yes!  Lots of Walleyes, some Bass, and a few Pike.  But why didn't
you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?

The wife replies, ' I did, they're in your tackle box.