-=- THE OFFICIAL I HATE DIALYSIS.COM JOKE THREAD -=- (Bold type please!)

[Stoday]

WHEN YOU KNOW THE MAGIC HAS GONE...

Three women were having lunch together- 2 were unmarried-one is engaged and the other is a mistress, the third has been married for over 30 years. They were talking about their partners and decided to amaze their men that evening by wearing a black leather bra, stiletto heels and a mask over their eyes.

The engaged friend said her boyfriend came over to find her all dressed up in the black leather bodice, stilettos and the mask. As soon as he saw her he said "You are the woman of my dreams. I love you." Then they made love all night long.

The Mistress met her lover at his office wearing the leather bodice, heels and mask over her eyes and a raincoat-"When I opened my raincoat he didn't say a word" she told them "but we had wild sex all night long"

The married lady shared her story-" When my husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings, killer heels and a mask over my eyes-As soon as he walked through the door he said " What's for dinner, Batman?"

[Darthvadar]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
An Aussie trucker walks into an outback cafe with a full-grown
emu behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders.

The trucker says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke,' and turns to the emu,

'What's yours?' 'I'll have the same,' says the emu.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and he

reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment..

The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says,
'A hamburger, chips and a coke.' The emu says, 'I'll have the same.'
Again the truckie reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.

'No, it's Friday night, so I'll have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the

man. 'Same,' says the emu.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me, mate, how do

you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?'

'Well, love' says the trucker, 'a few years ago, I was cleaning out the back shed, and

found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.

My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in

my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'

'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or

something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!'

'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is

always there,' says the man. The waitress asks, 'What's with the bloody emu?'

The trucker sighs, pauses, and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall bird with a

big ass, and long legs, who agrees with everything I say!.'








EDITED: Put bold on the joke-kitkatz,Moderator

[Des]

hahahahahahahahahah hahahahahahahahahahah (sorry no smileys) hahahahahaahahahahah

[Darthvadar]

Christmas Cake recipe!!


Ingredients:

* 2 cups flour
* 1 stick butter
* 1 cup of water
* 1 tsp baking soda
* 1 cup of sugar
* 1 tsp salt
* 1 cup of brown sugar
* Lemon juice
* 4 large eggs

* Nuts
* 1 bottle wine
* 2 cups of dried fruit

Sample the wine to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the wine again. To be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point it's best to make sure the wine is still OK. Try another cup... Just in case. Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 eggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.

Pick the frigging fruit up off floor. Mix on the turner.. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers just pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the wine to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Check the wine. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or some fink. Whatever you can find. Greash the oven. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Finally, throw the bowl through the window. Finish the wine and wipe counter with the cat.

Bingle Jells! 
     

[jennyc]

 
Darth you crack me up!

[Darthvadar]

Delighted to be of service, Jenny.... Have another.....

Why is a Christmas Tree better than a husband???.....

A Christmas tree is always erect.

Even small ones give satisfaction.

A Christmas tree stays up for 12 days and nights.

A Christmas tree always looks good - even with the lights on.
 
A Christmas tree is always happy with its size.

A Christmas tree has cute balls.

A Christmas tree doesn’t get mad if you break one of its balls.

You can throw a Christmas tree out when it’s past its ’sell by’ date.

You don’t have to put up with a Christmas tree all year.

[Darthvadar]

And in case I'm accused of being sexist.....

Reasons Why a Christmas Tree Is Better Than a
Wife....

10. A Christmas tree doesn’t care how many other Christmas trees you have
had in the past.

09. Christmas trees don’t get mad if you use exotic electrical
devices.

08. A Christmas tree doesn’t care if you have an artificial one in the
closet.

07. A Christmas tree doesn’t get mad if you break one of its balls.
 
06. You can feel a Christmas tree before you take it home.

05. A Christmas tree doesn’t get mad if you look up underneath it.

04. When you are done with a Christmas tree you can throw it on the kerb
and have it hauled away.

03. A Christmas tree doesn’t get jealous around other Christmas trees.

02. A Christmas tree doesn’t care if you watch football all day.

01. A Christmas tree doesn’t get mad if you tie it up and throw it in the
back of your pickup truck.

[Darthvadar]

Wrapping gifts with the dog.....

1. Gather presents, boxes, paper, etc. in middle of living room floor.

2. Get tape back from puppy.

3. Remove scissors from older dog's mouth.

4. Open box.

5. Take puppy out of box.

6. Remove tape from older dog's mouth.

7. Take scissors away from puppy.

8. Put present in box.

9. Remove present from puppy's mouth.

10. Put back in box after removing puppy from box.

11. Take scissors from older dog and sit on them.

12. Remove puppy from box and put on lid.

13. Take tape away from older dog.

14. Unroll paper.

15. Take puppy OFF box.

16. Cut paper being careful not to cut puppy's foot or nose that
is getting in the way as he "helps."

17. Let puppy tear remaining paper.

18. Take puppy off box.

19. Wrap paper around box.

20. Remove puppy from box & take wrapping paper from its mouth.

21. Tell older dog to fetch the tape so he will stop stealing it.

22. Take scissors away from puppy.

23. Take tape older dog is holding.

24. Quickly tape one spot before taking scissors from older dog &
sitting on them again.

25. Fend off puppy trying to steal tape & tape another spot.

26. Take bow from older dog.

27. Go get roll of wrapping paper puppy ran off with.

28. Take scissors from older dog who took them when you got up.

29. Give pen to older dog to hold so he stops licking your face.

30. Remove puppy from present & hurriedly slap tape on to hold the
paper on.

31. Take now soggy bow from puppy & tape on since the sticky stuff
no longer sticks.

32. Take pen from older dog, address tag & affix while puppy tries
to eat pen.

33. Grab present before puppy opens it & put it away.

34. Clean up mess puppy & older dog made playing tug-of-war with
remnants of wrapping paper.

35. Put away rest of wrapping supplies & tell dogs what good
helpers they are.

[Des]

 

Please wait a bit before you put more jokes on..... (I'm going to P in my pants) (no pun intended IHD)

[Darthvadar]

 Wrapping gifts with cats...


1. Clear large space on table for wrapping present.

2. Go to wardrobe and collect bag in which present is contained, and close
door.

3. Open door and remove cat from wardrobe.

4. Go to cupboard and retrieve rolls of wrapping paper.

5. Go back and remove cat from cupboard.

6. Go to drawer and collect transparent sticky tape, ribbons, scissors,
labels, etc.

7. Lay out present and wrapping materials on table, to enable wrapping
strategy to be formed.

8. Go back to drawer to get string, remove cat that has been in the drawer
since last visit, and collect string.

9. Remove present from bag.

10. Remove cat from bag.

11. Open box to check present, remove cat from box, replace present.

12. Lay out paper to enable cutting to size.

13. Cut the paper to size, trying to keep the cutting line straight.

14. Throw away first sheet because cat tried to chase the scissors and
tore the paper.

15. Cut second sheet of paper to size by putting cat in the bag the present
came out of.

16. Place present on cut-to-size paper.

17. Lift up edges of paper to seal in present, wonder why edges now don't reach,
and find cat between present and paper. Remove cat and retry.

18. Place object on paper, to hold in place, while cutting transparent sticky
tape.

19. Spend next 20 minutes carefully trying to remove transparent sticky tape
from cat with pair of nail scissors.

20. Seal paper down with transparent sticky tape, making corners as neat as
possible.

21. Look for roll of ribbon; chase cat down hall and retrieve ribbon.

22. Try to wrap present with ribbon in a two-directional turn.

23. Re-roll up ribbon and remove paper that is now torn, due to cat's
enthusiasm in chasing ribbon end.

24. Repeat steps 12-22 until down to last sheet of paper.

25. Decide to skip steps 12-16 in order to save time and reduce risk of losing
last sheet of paper. Retrieve old cardboard box that you know is right
size for sheet of paper.

26. Put present in box, and tie down with string.

27. Remove string, open box and remove cat.

28. Put all packing materials in bag with present and head for lockable room.

29. Once inside room, lock door and start to re-lay out packing materials.

30. Remove cat from box, unlock door, put cat outside door, close door and
re-lock.

31. Lay out last sheet of paper. (Admittedly this is difficult in the small area
of the toilet, but try your best!)

32. Seal box, wrap with paper and start repairs by very carefully sealing down
tears with transparent sticky tape. Now tie up with ribbon and decorate
with bows to hide worst affected areas.

33. Label, then sit back and admire your handiwork, congratulating yourself on
making good of a bad job.

34. Unlock door, and go to kitchen to make drink and feed cat.

35. Spend next 15 minutes looking for cat, before coming to obvious conclusion.

36. Unwrap present, untie box and remove cat.

37. Retrieve all discarded sheets of wrapping paper, feed cat and retire to
lockable room for last attempt, making certain you are alone and the door
is locked.

38. At time of handing over present, smile sweetly at receiver's face, as they
try and hide their contempt at being handed such a badly wrapped present.

39. Swear to yourself that next year, you will get the store to wrap the darn
thing for you.

[Darthvadar]

Ooooops..... Sorry Des.... Too late!....

Have another....



A parent's night(mare) before Christmas...


'Twas the night before Christmas when all through the house
I searched for the tools to hand to my spouse.
Instructions were studied and we were inspired,
In hopes we could manage "Some Assembly Required."
The children were quiet (not asleep) in their beds,
While Dad and I faced the evening with dread:
A kitchen, two bikes, Barbie's town house to boot!
And, thanks to Grandpa, a train with a toot!


We opened the boxes, my heart skipped a beat....
Let no parts be missing or parts incomplete!
Too late for last-minute returns or replacement;
If we can't get it right, it goes in the basement!

When what to my worrying eyes should appear,
But 50 sheets of directions, concise, but not clear,
With each part numbered and every slot named,
So if we failed, only we could be blamed.

More rapid than eagles the parts then fell out,
All over the carpet they were scattered about.
"Now bolt it! Now twist it! Attach it right there!
Slide on the seats, and staple the stair!
Hammer the shelves, and nail to the stand."
"Honey," said hubby, "you just glued my hand."

And then in a twinkling, I knew for a fact
That all the toy dealers had indeed made a pact
To keep parents busy all Christmas Eve night
With "assembly required" till morning's first light.

We spoke not a word, but kept bent at our work,
Till our eyes, they went bleary; our fingers all hurt.
The coffee went cold and the night, it wore thin
Before we attached the last rod and last pin.

Then laying the tools away in the chest,
We fell into bed for a well-deserved rest.
But I said to my husband just before I passed out,
"This will be the best Christmas, without any doubt.

Tomorrow we'll cheer, let the holiday ring,
And not have to run to the store for a thing!
We did it! We did it! The toys are all set
For the perfect, most perfect, Christmas, I bet!"

Then off to dreamland and sweet repose I gratefully went,
Though I suppose there's something to say for those self-deluded...
I'd forgotten that batteries are never included!

[Chris]

You've been a busy joke poster there Darth 

[pamster42000]

lol 

[YLGuy]

Addicted to the Web

(Sung to the tune of "Winter Wonderland")

Doorbell rings, I'm not list'nin',
From my mouth, drool is glist'nin',
I'm happy -- although
My boss let me go --
Happily addicted to the Web.
All night long, I sit clicking,
Unaware time is ticking,
There's beard on my cheek,
Same clothes for a week,
Happily addicted to the Web!


Friends come by; they shake me, Saying, "Yo, man!
Don't you know tonight's the senior prom?"
With a listless shrug, I mutter "No, man;
I just discovered laugh-a-lot-dot-com!"
I don't phone, don't send faxes,
Don't go out, don't pay taxes,
Who cares if someday
They drag me away?
I'm happily addicted to the Web!

Happ-ilyyyyy, ad-dict-eeeed to the Weeeeeb!!! (Yeah!)

[Stoday]

THE LION AND ALBERT

There's a famous seaside place called Blackpool,
That's noted for fresh air and fun,
And Mr and Mrs Ramsbottom
Went there with young Albert, their son.

A grand little lad was young Albert,
All dressed in his best; quite a swell
With a stick with an 'orse's 'ead 'andle,
The finest that Woolworth could sell.

They didn't think much to the Ocean:
The waves, they was fiddlin' and small,
There was no wrecks and nobody drownded,
Fact, nothing to laugh at at all.

So, seeking for further amusement,
They paid and went into the Zoo,
Where they'd Lions and Tigers and Camels,
And old ale and sandwiches too.

There were one great big Lion called Wallace;
His nose were all covered with scars -
He lay in a somnolent posture,
With the side of his face on the bars.

Now Albert had heard about Lions,
How they was ferocious and wild -
To see Wallace lying so peaceful,
Well, it didn't seem right to the child.

So straightway the brave little feller,
Not showing a morsel of fear,
Took his stick with its 'orse's 'ead 'andle
And shoved it in Wallace's ear.

You could see that the Lion didn't like it,
For giving a kind of a roll,
He pulled Albert inside the cage with 'im,
And swallowed the little lad 'ole.

Then Pa, who had seen the occurrence,
And didn't know what to do next,
Said 'Mother! Yon Lion's 'et Albert',
And Mother said 'Ee, I am vexed!'

Then Mr and Mrs Ramsbottom -
Quite rightly, when all's said and done, -
Complained to the Animal Keeper
That the Lion had eaten their son.

The keeper was quite nice about it;
He said 'What a nasty mishap.
Are you sure that it's your boy he's eaten?'
Pa said 'Am I sure? There's his cap!'

The manager had to be sent for,
He came and said 'What's to do?'
Pa said 'Yon Lion's 'et Albert,
And 'im in his Sunday clothes, too.'

Then Mother said, 'Right's right, young feller,
I think it's a shame and a sin
For a lion to go and eat Albert,
And after we've paid to come in.'

The manager wanted no trouble,
He took out his purse right away,
Saying 'How much to settle the matter?'
And Pa said 'What do you usually pay?'

But Mother had turned a bit awkward
When she thought where her Albert had gone.
She said 'No! someone's got to be summonsed'-
So that was decided upon.

Then off they went to the P'lice Station,
In front of the Magistrate chap;
They told 'im what happened to Albert,
And proved it by showing his cap.

The Magistrate gave his opinion
That no one was really to blame,
And he said that he hoped the Ramsbottoms
Would have further sons to their name.

At that Mother got proper blazing,
'And thank you, sir, kindly,' said she.
'What, waste all our lives raising children
To feed ruddy Lions? Not me!'

[Darthvadar]

A
burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around,
looking for valuables when a voice in the dark
said,

'Jesus knows
you're here.'

He
nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and
froze.

When
he heard nothing more , after a bit, he shook his head and
continued.

Just
as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as
a bell he heard

'Jesus
is watching you.'

Freaked
out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of
the voice.

Finally,
in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest
on a
parrot.

'Did
you say that?' he
hissed at the parrot.

'Yep', the parrot
confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he is
watching you.'

The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are
you?'

'Moses,' replied the
bird.

'Moses?' the burglar
laughed. 'What kind of people
would name a bird Moses?'

'The kind of people that would name their
Rottweiler Jesus.'

[mcjane]

2009's First Christmas Joke

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The third man started searching desperately thro ugh his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'

The man replied, 'These are Carols.'

And So The Christmas Season Begins......
 

[jbeany]

Okay - no joke, just my chuckle for the day.  My ex husband and his family have been taking care of my house and my cat while I was gone for almost 4 months, recovering from transplant complications.  My former mother in law came over and cleaned for me.  (She's a doll!)  I was getting ready to get into the shower after I got home, and it occurred to me that something in the bathroom was vastly different.  When I left, I had a clear shower curtain with light green leaf imprints all over it.  I like clear curtains because the light isn't very bright in that part of the bathroom, and if you get an opaque curtain, then you end up showering in the dark.  What I have hanging up now is a solid white one.  I have lots of iron in my water, so shower curtains get rust stains and need to be washed a lot.  You just throw them in the wash machine with a dab of degreasing dishsoap, and they come out clean again.  I thought MIL had tossed out a perfectly good shower curtain because she didn't know they could be washed easily.  I wasn't mad, but it seemed odd to me that she didn't know that.  I made a comment about it to my ex, and he started to crack up.  Apparently, his mom had indeed washed the plastic shower curtain like I always do.  Except she was working on auto-pilot that day, and threw it in the dryer, too!  She couldn't get the melted wad to unfold so she could hang it back up. . . .

[Darthvadar]

Oh Jbeany...

That is SO funny!...

Glad you're well....

Love to your MIL... She sounds like a real gem!...

Darth...

[jennyc]

Here is an email i recieved today, gave me a bit of a laugh

Think before you speak...

Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak -
 

 

The last one is great!

Have you ever spoken and wished that you could

Immediately take the words back...

Or that you could crawl into a hole?

Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....

 

 

FIRST TESTIMONY:

I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow

And asked loudly,

'How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?'

I turned around and walked back out and never went back

My husband didn't say a word...

He knew better.

 

 

SECOND TESTIMONY:

I was

at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls.

I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using.

After browsing for several minutes,

I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store.

He asked if he could help me.

Without thinking, I looked at him and said, 'I think I like playing with men's balls'

 

 

THIRD TESTIMONY:

My sister and I were at the mall and

Passed by a store that sold a

Variety of candy and nuts.

As we were looking at the display case,

The boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help.

I replied, 'No, I'm just looking at your nuts.'

My sister started to laugh hysterically.

The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day,

My sister has never let me forget it.

 

 

FOURTH TESTIMONY :

While in line at the bank one afternoon,

my toddler decided to release

Some pent-up energy and ran amok.

I was finally able to grab hold of

her after receiving looks of disgust

and annoyance from other patrons.

I told her that if she did not start behaving

'right now' she would be punished.

To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening,

'If you don't let me go right now,

I will tell Grandma that I saw you

kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!'

The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange.

Even the tellers stopped what they were doing.

I mustered up the last of my dignity and

walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow.

The last thing I heard when the door closed behind

me, were screams of laughter.

 

 

FIFTH TESTIMONY:

Have you ever asked your child a question too many times?

My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly.

One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch, in between errands.

It was very busy, with a full dining room.

While enjoying my taco,

I smelled something funny,

so of course I checked

my seven-month-old daughter - she was clean.

Then I realized that Danny

had not asked to go potty in a while.

I asked him if he needed to go,

and he said 'No' .

I kept thinking

'Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any spare clothes with me.'

Then I said,

 

'Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?'

' No,' he replied.

I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse.

Soooooo, I asked one more time, ' Danny did you have an accident ? This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants,

Bent over, spread his cheeks

And yelled

'SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!'

While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing,

He calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.

An old couple made me feel better,

Thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!

 

 

LAST (BUT NOT LEAST) TESTIMONY:

This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days

and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will,

in the future , likely think before she

speaks.

What happens when you predict snow but don't get any?

We had a female news anchor who,

the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't,

turned to the weatherman and asked:

'So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?'

Not only did HE have to leave the set,

but half the crew did too, as they were laughing so hard!

[jennyc]

This one is sooo corney you'll probably want to slap my forehead 


Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe... as it happens, near  Transylvania . They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway.
 It was late and raining very hard. Bob could barely see the road in front of the car. Suddenly the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail!
The car swerves and smashes into a tree.

Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog... Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar
countryside, Bob knows he has to get her medical assistance. Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from a large, old house. He approaches the door and knocks. A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty.. We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone?"

"I'm sorry," replied the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone. My master is a doctor; come in and I will get him!" Bob brings his wife in.

An older man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist.. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory."

 
With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.

 
After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried. "Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion." Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more.

 
The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting melody fills the house.

 
Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty's hand twitch, keeping time to the haunting piano music.. Stunned, he watches as
Bob's arm begins to rise, marking the beat! He is further amazed as Betty and Bob both sit up straight!

 
Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory.

 
He bursts in and shouts to his
master:

 
"Master,
Master!
..... 

 The Hills are alive with the sound
of music!"

[Darthvadar]

The Alternative Night Before Christmas....

Twas the night before Christmas, Old Santa was p*ssed.
He cussed out the elves and threw down his list.
Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks.
I have a good mind to scrap the whole works.

I've busted my ass for damn near a year
instead of "Thanks Santa", what do I hear?
The old lady b*tches cause I work late at night ...
The elves want more money, the reindeer all fight.

Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids,
Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS.
And just when I thought that things would get better,
the a**holes from the IRS sent me a letter.

They say I owe taxes- if that ain't damn funny,
Who the hell ever sent Santa Claus money?
And the kids these days, they are all the pits.
They want the impossible, those mean little sh*ts.

I spent the whole year making wagons and sleds,
assembling dolls... their arms, legs and heads.
I made a ton of yo-yo's no request for them,
they want computers and robots, they think I'm IBM.

If you think that's bad, just picture this,
try holding these brats with their pants full of p*ss.
They pull on my nose, they grab at my beard
and if I don't smile the parents think that I'm weird.

Flying through the air dodging the trees,
falling down chimneys and skinning my knees.
I'm quitting this job, there's just no enjoyment
I'll sit on my a** and collect unemployment.

There's no Christmas this year and you know the reason.
I found me a blonde and I'm going South for the season.

[fc2821]

    Just what I needed, thanks!

[jennyc]

WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED:


Men Are Just Happier People--
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack.   
You can never be pregnant.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks and engines. A ten-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.


Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.

 
'I think it means we're Pisspoterians.     

[Hanify]

If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD!

Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.

Here's what happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was 'something wrong' with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.

'He's just lying there looking sick,' he told me. 'I'm serious, Dad . Can you help?'

I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.

'Honey,' I called, 'come look at the lizard!'

'Oh, my gosh!' my wife exclaimed. 'She's having babies.'

'What?' my son demanded. 'But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!'

I was equally outraged.

'Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce,' I said accusingly to my wife.

'Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?' she inquired (I think she actually said this sarcastically!)

'No, but you were supposed to get two boys!' I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet  voice, while gritting my teeth).

'Yeah, Bert and Ernie!' my son agreed.

'Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know,' she informed me (Again with the sarcasm!).

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.

'Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience,' I announced. 'We're about to witness the miracle  of birth..'

'Oh, gross!' they shrieked

'Well, isn't THAT just great? What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?' my wife wanted to know.

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.

'We don't appear to be making much progress,' I noted.

'It's breech,' my wife whispered, horrified.

'Do something, Dad !' my son urged.

'Okay, okay.' Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug.  It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.

'Should I call 000?' my eldest daughter wanted to know.

'Maybe they could talk us through the trauma.' (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

'Let's get Ernie to the vet,' I said grimly.. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.

'Breathe, Ernie, breathe,' he urged.

'I don't think lizards do Lamaze,' his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for crying out loud.).

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.

'What do you think, Doc, a C-section?' I suggested scientifically.

'Oh, very interesting,' he murmured. 'Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?'

I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

'Is Ernie going to be okay?' my wife asked.

'Oh, perfectly,' the vet assured us. 'This lizard is not in labour.. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen. . .  Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um . . um . . . masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back.' He blushed, glancing at my wife.

We were silent, absorbing this.

'So, Ernie's just . just . . . excited,' my wife offered.

'Exactly,' the vet replied , relieved that we understood.

More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.

'What's so funny?' I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit
the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.

Tears were now running down her face. 'It's just .that . .I'm picturing you pulling on its . . . its. . . teeny little . . '  She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

'That's enough,' I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into
the car.. He was glad everything was going to be okay.

'I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad ,'  he told me.

'Oh, you have NO idea,' my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

Two lizards: $140.

One cage: $50.

Trip to the vet: $30.

Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie: Priceless!

Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class.

Lizards lay eggs!