-=- THE OFFICIAL I HATE DIALYSIS.COM JOKE THREAD -=- (Bold type please!)

[mcjane]

>     Muldoon lived alone in the Irish
> countryside with only a pet dog for
> company.  One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to
> the parish priest and
> asked, 'Father, my dog is dead.  Could ya' be
> saying a mass for the poor
> creature?'
>   
>     Father Patrick replied,
> 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an
> animal in the church.  But there are some Baptists
> down the lane, and there
> s no tellin' what they believe.  Maybe they'll
> do something for the creature.'
>   
>      Muldoon said, 'I'll
> go right away Father.  Do ya think $5,000 is enough
> to donate to them for the service?'
>   
>     Father Patrick exclaimed,
> 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus!  Why didn't ya
> tell me the dog was Catholic?

[mcjane]

Wine and Water
To my friend who enjoys a glass of wine.. . and those who don't.   
As Ben Franklin said:
In wine there is wisdom,
in beer there is freedom,
in water there is bacteria.

In a number of carefully controlled trials,
scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 litre of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than
1 kilo of Escherichia coli,
 (E. coli) - bacteria  found in feces..

In other words, we are consuming
1 kilo of poop.
 
However, we do NOT run that risk when
drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whisky or other liquor), because alcohol has to go through a purification
process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.
Remember:     
   Water = Poop,        Wine = Health .

Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid,
than to drink water and be full of shit.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information:
I'm doing it as a public service

[Chris]

Some of you will recognize a couple of them from me posting them on Facebook

Proverbs by Larry the Cable Guy
1. A day without sunshine is like night.

2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
 

4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture most people have.

10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.

14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?

15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?

20. Why do psychics have to ask you your name?

21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, 'What the heck happened?'

22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.


23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.

 

[willieandwinnie]

I don't care who you are this is funny.

Border Patrol

[Darthvadar]

BRILLIANT, W&W.... I'm STILL laughing five minutes later!!!...

Nurses aren't supposed to laugh, but......


"Of course I won't laugh, I'm a professional nurse. In over twenty years

I've never laughed at a patient."

 

"Okay then," Fred said; and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the

tiniest man thingy the nurse had ever seen.

 

Length and width, it couldn't have been bigger than a AAA battery.

 

Unable to control herself, the nurse started giggling then almost fell

to the floor laughing.

 

A few minutes later she was able to regain her composure. "I'm so

sorry," said the nurse. "I don't know what came over me."

 

"On my honor as a nurse and a lady, I promise it won't happen again. Now

tell me, what seems to be the problem?"

 

"It's swollen," Fred replied.

 

Things went downhill from there.
 

[Darthvadar]

How to start the fight....

My wife sat down on the settee next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started...

******************************************


My wife and I were watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And then the fight started....

******************************************


Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started...

******************************************

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...

******************************************

A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replied, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And then the fight started.....

[kitkatz]

Things  Got Ya Down?  Well  Then, Consider These .  .  ..

In a  hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients always  died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at  about 11:00 am, regardless of their medical  condition. This puzzled the doctors and some  even thought it had something to do with the  super natural. No one could solve the mystery as  to why the deaths occurred around 11:00 AM  Sunday, so a worldwide team of experts was  assembled to investigate the cause of the  incidents. The next Sunday morning, a few  minutes before 11:00 AM all of the doctors and  nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see  for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was  all about. Some were holding wooden crosses,  prayer books, and other holy objects to ward off  the evil spirits. Just when the clock struck  11:00 , Pookie Johnson, the part-time Sunday  sweeper , entered the ward and unplugged the  life support system so he could use the vacuum  ! cleaner.


Still  Having a Bad Day? 

The  average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the  Exxon Valdez Oil spill in Alaska was $80,000.00.  At a special ceremony, two of the most  expensively saved animals were being released  back into the wild amid cheers and applause from  onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a  killer whale ate them both.

Still  think you are having a Bad  Day?

A  woman came home to find her husband in the  kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing  frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his  waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to  jolt him away from the deadly current, she  whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking  his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had  been happily listening to his  Walkman.

Are  Ya OK Now? - No? 

Two  animal rights defenders were protesting the  cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in  Bonn , Germany . Suddenly, all two thousand pigs  broke loose and escaped through a broken fence,  stampeding madly. The two helpless protesters  were trampled to death.

What?!?  STILL having a Bad  Day?

Iraqi  terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough  postage on a letter bomb.  It came back  with 'Return to Sender' stamped on it.  Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was  blown to bits. God is Good!

There  now, Feeling Better? 

[mikey07840]

 

[kitkatz]

What do you call the one legged man in Lord of the Rings?   



LegaLess


Hahahaahahah!

[marti824]

I was in the pub yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart.  The music was really, really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat.
 
 After a couple of songs, I started to feel better.   I finished my pint and noticed that everybody was staring at me.
 
 Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

sorry i couldn't get Maxine's picture to go with this.
 

[Des]

A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady 60 miles per hour. The wife is behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice. 'I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce.'




The wife says nothing, Keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 65 mph. The husband speaks again. 'I don't want you to try and talk me out of it,' He says, 'because I've been having an affair with your best friend, And she's a far better lover than you are.'


Again the wife stays quiet, But grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 75 He pushes his luck. 'I want the house,' he says insistently..

Up to 80. 'I want the car, too,' he continues.


85 mph. 'And,' he says, 'I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat!'


The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge. This makes him nervous, so he asks her, 'Isn't there anything you want?'


The wife at last replies in a quiet and controlled voice.
'No, I've got everything I need,' she says.
'Oh, really,' he inquires, 'so what have you got?'




Just before they slam into the wall at 85 mph,The wife turns to him and smiles. 'The airbag.'

[kitkatz]

Did you hear about the one legged man who was trying to sue someone?




They told him he did not have a leg to stand on!

[Darthvadar]

An American friend sent me this....


 


HEADLINE: Newfoundland declares war on the U.S.A.

President Barack Obama was in the Oval Office when his telephone rang.

"Hallo, President Obama " a heavily accented voice said. "This is Archie, up ere at the Harp Seal Pub in Badger's Cove , Newfoundland , Canada , eh? I am callin' to tells ya dat we are officially declaring war on ya!"

"Well Archie," Barack replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army ?"

"Right now," said Archie after a moments calculation, "there is myself, me cousin Harold, me next-door-neighbor Mick, and the whole dart team from the pub. That makes eight!"

Barack paused. "I must tell you Archie that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command."

"Wow," said Archie. "I'll have ta call ya back!"

Sure enough, the next day, Archie called again. " Mr. Obama , the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be Archie?" Barack asked.

"Well sir, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Harry 's farm tractor."

President Obama sighed. "I must tell you Archie, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also I've increased my army to one and a half million since we last spoke."

"Lord above", said Archie, "I'll be getting back to ya."

Sure enough, Archie rang again the next day.. " President Obama , the war is still on! We have managed to git ourselves airborne! We up an' modified Harrigan's ultra-light wit a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, ... and four boys from the Legion have joined us as well!"

Barack was silent for a minute then cleared his throat. "I must tell you Archie that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!"

"Jumpins," said Archie, "l'll have ta call youse back."

Sure enough, Archie called again the next day. " President Obama ! I am sorry to have to tell you dat we have had to call off dis 'ere war."

"I'm sorry to hear that" said Barack . "Why the sudden change of heart?"

Well, sir," said Archie, "we've all sat ourselves down and had a long chat over a bunch of pints, and come to realize dat dere's no way we can feed two million prisoners.."


       CANADIAN CONFIDENCE CANNOT BE SHAKEN
 

[Darthvadar]

 
Pun intended!....
 
1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walked into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

7. "Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home."
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"Well, It's Not Unusual."

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field.
Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," says Dolly.
"It's true; no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "I know, I amputated your arms!"

13. I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes?  A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, "Dam!"

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Not surprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse.
"But why," they asked, as they moved off.
"Because," he said. "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

18. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt , and is named 'Ahmal.' The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him 'Juan.' Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him  .. a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

20. A dwarf, who was a mystic, escaped from jail. The call went out that there was a small medium at large.

21. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
 
 

[Darthvadar]

Viagra Worked -- Now Let's Try These...

With Viagra such a hit, Pfizer is bringing forth a whole line of drugs oriented towards improving the performance of men in today's society.

DIRECTRA -- a dose of this drug given to men before leaving on car trips caused 72 percent of them to stop and ask directions when they got lost, compared to a control group of 0.2 percent.

PROJECTRA -- Men given this experimental new drug were far more likely to actually finish a household repair project before starting a new one.

CHILDAGRA -- Men taking this drug reported a sudden, overwhelming urge to perform more child-care tasks -- especially cleaning up spills and little accidents.

COMPLIMENTRA -- In clinical trials, 82 percent of middle-aged men administered this drug noticed that their wives had a new hairstyle. Currently being tested to see if its effects extend to noticing new clothing.

BUYAGRA -- Married men reported a sudden urge to buy their wives expensive jewelry and gifts after taking this drug for only two days. Still to be ascertained: Whether the drug can be continued for a period longer than your favorite store's return limit.

NEGA-SPORTAGRA -- This drug had the strange effect of making men want to turn off televised sports and actually converse with other family members.

FLATULAGRA -- This complex drug damps down men's noxious intestinal gases. Special bonus: Dosage can be doubled for long car rides.

FLYAGRA -- This drug has been showing great promise in treating men with O.F.D. (Open Fly Disorder). Especially useful for men on Viagra.

LIAGRA -- This drug causes men to be less than truthful when being asked about their sexual affairs. Will be available in Regular, Grand Jury and Presidential Strength versions.

[Chris]

If Pfizer does that, they need one for women to stop shopping and spend money 

[Des]

Miss Beatrice,

 
The church organist,
was in her eighties and had
never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.

 
One afternoon the pastor  came to call
on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.

 
She
invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
 
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ,
The young minister  noticed a  cute
glass bowl sitting on top of it.
 
The bowl was filled with water,
and in the water  floated, of all things, a condom!
   
When she returned with tea and scones,
They began to chat.
 
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity   about
the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of
him and he could no longer resist.
 
  'Miss Beatrice', he said,
'I wonder if you would tell me about this?'
Pointing to the bowl.
 
'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful?
 I was walking through  the park a few months ago
and I found this little package on the ground.
The directions said  to place it on the organ, keep it
wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter.'
 






EDITED: Fixed bold on joke-kitkatz,Moderator



 

[paul.karen]

 Paul wants to die while asleep like my grandfather, not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.

[marti824]

What do you call a Mississippi farmer with a sheep under each arm?

A pimp

[YLGuy]

I know, it is in very poor taste.

[Darthvadar]

Inner Peace

If you can start the day without caffeine,

If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,

If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,

If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,

If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you anytime,

If you can take criticism and blame without resentment ,

If you can conquer tension without medical help,

If you can relax without liquor,

If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,


....Then You Are Probably The Family Dog!

[Darthvadar]

A mother, accompanied by her small daughter, was in New York City.

The mother was trying to hail a cab, when her daughter noticed several wildly dressed women who were loitering on a nearby street corner.

The mother finally hailed her cab and they both climbed in, at which point the young daughter asks her mother,

"Mommy, what are all those ladies waiting for by that corner?"

The mother replies,

"Those ladies are waiting for their husbands to come by and pick them up on the way home from work."

The cabby, upon hearing this exchange, turns to the mother and says,

"Ah, C'mon lady!

Tell your daughter the truth!

For crying out loud...They're hookers!"

A brief period of silence follows, and the daughter then asks,

"Mommy, do the hooker ladies have any children?"

The mother replies, "Of course, Dear.

Where do you think cabbies come from?" 
     

[Darthvadar]

Doctor Dave slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice that said:

"Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Let it go..."

But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality:

"Dave, you're a vet..."

[Darthvadar]

Three couples were married and stayed at the same hotel for their honeymoons, where they were all taken care of by Dave the Bellboy.

The first man married a nurse. Dave showed them to their room and thought to
himself, "What a lucky guy. Nurses are known to be hot to trot".

The second man married a telephone operator. Dave showed them to their room and thought to himself,"Wow, he's a lucky one. Telephone operators have sexy voices and once you pop that top button...Va-voom.".

The third man married a school teacher.

Dave showed them to their room and thought to himself, "Poor guy, she's pretty but
teachers are just too frigid".

The next morning, Dave reported to work at 5:30 in the morning. He expected only the teacher's husband to call for breakfast any minute and the other two would call much later in the day.

At6:00 a.m. the phone rang. It was the nurse's husband
wanting breakfast. The nurse's husband opened the door and Dave stepped back in shock. The man's pajamas were still pressed and his hair nicely combed. Dave asked, "What
happened sir? You married a nurse. The man sourly replies, "Son, don't ever marry a
nurse. All I heard last night was her nagging voice saying, " You're not sanitary,
you're not sanitary."

At 6:30 a.m., the phone rang again.

The telephone operator's husband called
for breakfast. Dave brought it as fast as possible hoping for the best. The man opened the
door and Dave stepped back in shock. The man's hair and pajamas were properly combed and
pressed. Dave asked," What happened? Telephone operators are supposed to be as sexy as
their voices." The man sourly replies "Son, don't ever marry a telephone
operator. All I heard last night was her a nasal voice saying, "You're three minutes
are up, your three minutes are up." Dave went back down to the desk, just knowing the
teachers husband would be calling any minute.

Finally at 4:30 p.m., the teacher's husband called for breakfast.

Dave can't believe it but quickly took the breakfast to the couples room. The
man opened the door and Dave took a step back in shock. The man waswearing only his boxers, his
hair was a mess,and he had scratch marks on his chest, arms and legs. Joe fearing the worst,
asked " What happened to you? Did you have a fight?" The man smiled and happily
replied, "No. Son, when you marry, be sure to marry a school teacher. All I heard last
night was her sexy smooth voice saying "We are going to do this over and over, until
we get it right."

[Darthvadar]

A young boy went into a grocery store and picked out a large box of laundry powder. The grocer walked over and cheerfully asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do.

"Oh, no laundry sir," the boy said, "I'm going to wash my dog."

"But you can't use this to wash your dog," said the grocer. "It's very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him."

But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it.

A week later, the boy was back in the store to buy some candy. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing.

"Oh, he died," the boy said.

The grocer said he was sorry, but added, "I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog."

"Well, the boy replied, "I don't think it was the detergent that killed him."

"Oh? What was it then?" asked the grocer.

"I think it was the spin cycle!"