-=- THE OFFICIAL I HATE DIALYSIS.COM JOKE THREAD -=- (Bold type please!)

[rose1999]

A man calls home to his wife and says, 'Honey, I have been asked to fly to Canada with my boss and several of his friends for fishing.We'll be gone for a long weekend. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting so could you please pack enough clothes for a 3 day weekend. And also would you get out my rod and tackle box from the attic? We're leaving at 4:30 pm from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up. 'Oh! And please pack my new navy blue silk pajamas.'

The wife thinks this sounds a bit odd, but, being the good wife, She does exactly what her husband asked.

Following the long weekend he came home a little tired, but, otherwise, looking good. The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish?

He says, 'Yes! Lots of Walleyes, some Bass, and a few Pike. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?

The wife replies, ' I did, they're in your tackle box. 

[Darthvadar]

Ha Ha!!.... Love it Rose!....

This guy called up his lawyer to tell him he was filing for divorce, and the lawyer inquired as to the grounds for the suit.
"I've got grounds, all right," sputtered the irate husband. "Can you believe my wife told me I'm a lousy lover?"
"That's why you're suing?" pursued his lawyer.
"Of course not. I'm suing because she knows the difference."

[cat]

If you need a good laugh, try reading through these children's science exam answers...

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour? (Brilliant, love this!)
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery. (The kid gets an A+ for this answer!)

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? ( e.g., abdomen)  A: The body is consisted into three parts -- the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels A, E, I, O, and U.

Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does 'varicose' mean? (I do love this one...)
A: Nearby.

Q: Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarian Section.'
A: The Caesarian Section is a district in Rome .

Q: What does the word 'benign' mean?'
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

[paul.karen]

If you think healthcare is expensive now.
Wait till its free.

Oh smile it is a joke :-)






EDITED:Bolded the joke-kitkatz,Moderator

[cat]

 

Unfortunately, sad, but true.

[Darthvadar]

Got this during the week.... Have changed the names, and cities to protect the daft!.... Enjoy!...


Who's the Daddy??

The following are all replies that women from a certain US city have written on Child Support Agency Forms in the section for listing "father's details. These are genuine excerpts from the forms.

Be sure to check out #11. It takes 1st prize and #3 is runner up.



1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, A was fathered by X Y... I am unsure as to the identity of the father of daughter B, but I believe that she was conceived on the same night.

2. I am unsure, as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.

3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at 3600 East Grand Boulevard where I had sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you please send me his phone number? Thanks.

4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced.

5. I have never had sex with a man. I am still a Virginian. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was ejaculate and that he is the Saver risen again.

6. I cannot tell you the name of A's dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country. Please advise.

7. I do not know wh o the father of my child was as they all look the same to me.

8. X Y is the father of child A If you do catch up with him, can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs? Child B who was alsoborned at the same time. ... well, I don't have clue.

9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Disney World; maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.

10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If I had stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at Miller Ave, mine might have remained unfertilized.

11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all, like when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart!.



Yes, it's sad, and you guessed it right - you are all paying taxes to support these dim wits!!!!!!!!!!! ...

 

[marti824]

#11 is pricelss!

[cat]

I was having trouble with my computer so I called Richard, the 11 year old next door whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to come over.

Richard clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?'

He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'

Richard grinned. 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?'

'No,' I replied.

'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'

So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T

I used to like the little......

[cat]

The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.' I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!' Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily.

Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.
I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him.

Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT! The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him 'MIDNIGHT'... he didn't seem pissed off in the least. Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said 'We need a new cuckoo clock.'

When I asked him why, he said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said 'oh sh*t.' Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and f**ted.

[Ang]

when you  ring  the  swine  flu hotline all  you  get  is  crackling







EDITED: Bold joke-kitkatz,Moderator

[Des]

Notes From An Inexperienced Curry Taster Named FRANK, who was visiting
Durban from Johannesburg.

"Recently I was honoured to be selected as a judge at a curry cook-off.
The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to
be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon
when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (couple of local
indians)  that the curry wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they
told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.

Here are the scorecards from the event:

_________________________________________

Curry # 1: Manoj's Maniac Mobster Monster Curry
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried
paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out.
I hope that's the  worst one. These char o's are crazy.
__________________________________________

Curry # 2: Applesamy's Afterburner Curry
JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am
supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give
me the Heimlich manoeuvre. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the
look on my face.
___________________________________________

Curry # 3: Farouk's Famous Burn Down the Barn curry
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse curry! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless curry, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
FRANK: Call Colesburg, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like
I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now, get me more
beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone
is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all the beer.
____________________________________________

Curry # 4: Barbu's Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Black bean curry with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods, not much of a curry.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to
taste it, is it possible to burn-out taste buds? Savathree, the bar
maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. bitch is starting
to look HOT, just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is curry an aphrodisiac?
____________________________________________

Curry # 5: Laveshnee's Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong curry. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Curry using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit
the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can
no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics.
The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her curry had given
me brain damage. Savathree saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer
directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off?
It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
Screw those char o's!
___________________________________________

Curry # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety curry. Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.  Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric
flames. I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the
chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Savathree,
she must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe
my ass with a snow cone!
_____________________________________________

Curry # 7: Sugash's Screaming Sensation Curry
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre curry with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of curry
peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about
Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't
feel damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds
like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with curry which
slid unnoticed out  of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to
match my damn shirt. At  least during the autopsy they'll know what
killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful.  Screw it,
I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I  need air, I'll just suck it
in through the 4 inch hole in my stomach.
____________________________________________

Curry # 8: Hansraj's Mount Saint Curry
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend curry, safe for all,
not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced curry, neither mild
nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed
out, fell over and pulled the curry pot down on top of himself.
Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Pale Face, wonder how he'd have
reacted to a really hot curry?

FRANK: --------------(editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)








EDITED:Bold joke-kitkatz,Moderator

[Des]

A WEEK AT THE GYM; ONE MAN'S STORY - If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong with you.  This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine.

Dear Diary...

For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.

Although I am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

Called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.  My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started!

The club encouraged my to keep a diary to chart my progress:

Monday:
Started my day at 6:00 am.  Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me.  She is something of a Greek goddess - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile.  Woo Hoo!

Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines.  She took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill.  She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her in her Lycra aerobic outfit. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.  Very inspiring.  Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around.

This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

Tuesday:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.  Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air – then she put weights on it!  My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile.  Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile.  I feel GREAT!!

It's a whole new life for me.

Wednesday:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying on the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals.  Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop.  I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.

Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members.  Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.  My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster.  Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators?

Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.  She said some other shit too.

Thursday:
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl.  I couldn't help being a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes.

 Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells.  When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's room.  She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine - which I sank.

Friday:
I hate that bitch Belinda more that any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world.  Stupid, skinny, anemic little cheerleader.  If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.

Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps.  I don't have any triceps!  And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the *&%#(#&**!!@*@ barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.  (Which I am sure you learned in the sadist school you attended and graduated magna cum laude from.)

The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher.

Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

Saturday:
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today.  Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner.  However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.
 
Sunday:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over.  I will also pray that next year my wife (the bitch) will choose a gift for me that is fun - like a root canal or a vasectomy.








EDITED: Bold joke-kitkatz,Moderator

[Des]

Stun gun ....... ONLY A GUY WOULD DO THIS!
Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the
wife. This was submitted by a guy who purchased
his lovely wife a "pocket Taser" for their
anniversary.
 
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol &
Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion
was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a
little something extra for my wife Toni. What I
came across was a 100,000-volt,
pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the
taser were suppose to be short lived, with no
long-term adverse affect on your assailant,
allowing her adequate time to retreat to
safety.... WAY TOO COOL!
 
Long story short, I bought the device and
brought it home. I loaded two triple-a batteries
in the darn thing and pushed the button.
Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however,
that if I pushed the button AND pressed it
against a metal surface at the same time; I'd
get the blue arch of electricity darting back
and forth between the prongs. Awesome!!!
 
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni
what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
 
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy,
thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that
bad with only two triple-a batteries,. right?!!!
 
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie
looking on intently (trusting little soul) while
I was reading the directions and thinking that I
really needed to try this thing out on a flesh &
blood moving target. I must admit I thought
about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a
second) and thought better of it. She is such a
sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this
thing to my wife to protect herself against a
mugger, I did want some assurance that it would
work as advertised. Am I wrong?
 
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank
top with my reading glasses perched delicately
on the bridge of my nose, directions in one
hand, taser in another. The directions said that
a one-second burst would shock and disorient
your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed
to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of
bodily control; a three-second burst would
purportedly make your assailant flop on the
ground like a fish out of water. Any burst
longer than three seconds would be wasting the
batteries.
 
All the while I'm looking at this little device
measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in
circumference; pretty cute really and loaded
with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries)
thinking to myself, "no possible way!"
 
What happened next is almost beyond description,
but I'll do my best.....
 
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with
her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do
it master," reasoning that a one-second burst
from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt
all that bad.. I decided to give myself a
one-second burst just for the heck of it. I
touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the
button, and HOLY MOTHER, WEAPONS OF MASS
DESTRUCTION@!@$$!%!@*!!!
 
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through
the side door, picked me up in the recliner,
then body slammed us both on the carpet, over
and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking
up on my side in the fetal position, with tears
in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on
fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my
left arm tucked under my body in the oddest
position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was
standing over me making meowing sounds I had
never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly
thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!"
 
Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug"
yourself with a taser, one note of caution:
there is no such thing as a one-second burst
when you zap
 
yourself. You will not let go of that thing
until it is dislodged from your hand by a
violent thrashing about on the floor. A three
second burst would be considered conservative.
 
SON-OF-A-.. that hurt like hell!!! A minute or
so later (I can't be sure, as time was a
relative thing at that point), collected my wits
(what little I had left), sat up and surveyed
the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on
the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get
there??? My triceps, right thigh and both
nipples were still twitching. My face felt like
it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom
lip weighed 88 lbs.
 
I'm still looking for my testicles? I'm offering
a significant reward for their safe return.








EDITED:Bold joke-kitkatz,Moderator

[Des]

ps....
I can't get it bold.

[Des]

Baked Beans - This is hilarious!

(This one is much too cute not to share. Enjoy! Be sure to grab a tissue; I think you'll be laughing so hard you'll cry!)

One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love. When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.

Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work. Since I lived in the countryside I called my husband and told him that I would be late because I had to walk home. On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odor of baked beans was more than I could stand. With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home, I made sure that I released ALL the gas.

Upon my arrival, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly: "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight!"

He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call.

The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously.

Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage!!!

Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few minutes.
The pleasure was indescribable. When eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself.

My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long. He asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not.

At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table chorused: "Happy Birthday!"

I fainted!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 




EDITED: Fixed bold on joke-kitkatz,Moderator

[Des]

Do you need a good laugh or what!!
 
I guarantee it will have women (men too) laughing out loud!!
This is allegedly a true story, and if it's not it should be.
 
As Beth told the story...
 
All hair removal methods have tricked me with their promises of easy, painless removal - the Epilady, the standard razor, the scissors, the Nair, the EpilStop, and now . . The Wax.
 
My night began as any other normal weekday night.
 
I came home from work, fixed dinner for my son and we played for a while.  I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next couple hours: maybe I should use that wax in my medicine cabinet.
 
I set up my boy with a video and head to the site of my demise, um, I mean bathroom.   It was one of those cold wax kits.
 
No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the clear strips in your hand, peel them apart, press it on your leg (or wherever) and ignore the frantically rising crescendo of string instruments in the background.
 
No muss, no fuss.  How hard can this be?
 
I mean, I'm not the girly-est of girls but I'm mechanically inclined so maybe I can figure out how this works.
 
You'd think.
 
So I pull one of the thin strips out.
 
It's two strips facing each other, stuck together.
 
I'm supposed to rub it in my hand to warm and soften the wax
(I'm guessing).
 
I go one better:
 
I pull out the hair dryer and heat the SOB to ten thousand degrees.
 
Cold wax, my ass. (Oh, how that phrase will come back to haunt me.)
 
I lay the strip across my thigh.
 
I hold the skin around it and pull. OK, so it wasn't the best feeling in the world, but it wasn't bad.
 
I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me!
 
I am Sheera, fighter of all wayward body hair and smooth skin extraordinaire!
 
With my next wax strip, I move north.
 
After checking on the boy and verifying that he was, in fact, becoming one with Bear and learning all about smells, I sneak into the bathroom for The Ultimate Hair Fighting Championship.
 
I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet.
 
Using the same procedure, I then apply the wax strip across the right side on my bikini line, covering the right half of my v@gin@ and stretching up into the inside of the right ass cheek.
 
(Yeah, it was a long strip.)
 
I inhale deeply. I brace myself.
 
RRRIIIIPPP!!!!
 
I'm blind! Blind from the pain!
 
Vision returning.
 
Oh cr@p. I've managed to pull off half an inch of the strip.
 
Another deep breath.  And RIIIP!  Everything is swirly and tie-dyed?
 
Do I hear crashing drums?
 
OK, coming back to normal again.
 
I want to see my trophy - my wax covered pelt that caused me so much agony.
 
I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair.
 
I hold the wax strip like an Olympic gold medallist.
 
But why is there no hair on it?
 
Why is the wax mostly gone?
 
Where could the wax go, if not on the strip?
 
Slowly, I eased my head down, my foot still perched on the toilet.
 
I see hair - the hair that should be on the strip.
 
I touch.
 
I feel.
 
I am touching wax.
 
I look to the ceiling and silently shout "nooooooo!!"
 
And realize I have just begun living my own personal version of "The Tar Baby."
 
I peel my fingers off the softest, most sensitive part of my body that is now covered in cold wax and matted hair, and make the next big mistake - up until this point, you'll remember, I've had my foot on the toilet.
 
I know I need to move, to do something.
 
So I put my foot down on the floor.
 
And then I hear the slamming of the cell door.
 
V@gin@?   Sealed shut.
 
@ss?   Sealed shut.
 
A little voice in my head says "I hope you don't have to sh!t anytime soon.  Your head just might pop off."
 
I penguin walk around the bathroom trying desperately to figure out what I should do next.
 
Hot water!
 
Hot water melts wax! I'll run the hottest water I can stand and get in - the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it away, right?
 
Wrong.
 
I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than is used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment.
 
And I sit.
 
Now the only thing worse than having your goodies glued together is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of a tub.
 
In scalding hot water.
 
Which, by the way, does not melt the cold wax.
 
 So now I'm stuck to the tub.
 
I call my friend, Celia, because she once dropped out of beauty school so surely she has some secret knowledge or trick to get wax off skin. It's never good to start a conversation with "So my @ss and v@gina are stuck to the tub."
 
She doesn't have a trick.
 
She does her best to suppress laughter.
 
She wants to know exactly where the wax is on the ass - "Are we talking cheek or hole, here?" she asks.
 
She isn't even trying to hide the giggles now.
 
I give her the run-down of the entire night.
 
She tells me to call the number on the side of the box, but to have a good cover story for where the wax actually is.
 
"You know that if we were working the help line at XX Wax Co.and somebody called with their entire crack sealed shut we'd just put them on hold then record the conversation for everyone we know.
 
You're going to end up on a radio show or the internet if you tell them the truth."
 
"While we go through various solutions, I have resorted to scraping the wax off with a razor.  Boy, nothing feels better to the girly goodies than covering them in wax, sticking them to a tub in super hot water and THEN dry shaving the sticky wax off!
 
In the middle of the conversation (which has inexplicably turned to other subjects!) I find the little, beautiful saving grace that is the lotion provided with wax to remove the excess.  I rub some in and start screaming
 
"It's working! It's working!"  I get hearty congratulations from Celia and we hang up.
 
I successfully remove all the wax and notice, to my dismay, that the hair is still there.
 
So I shaved the damned stuff off.
 
Hell, I was numb by that point anyway.
 
And then I put the box of wax back in my medicine cabinet.
 
Never know when a moustache might start to come in. 





EDITED:Fixed bold on joke-kitkatz-Moderator
 
 

[Des]

Cat,

Are you enjoying them?

I loved the gym and the curry one...

[kitkatz]

Oh Lordy! The wax one got me going and the tazer.  What a laugh!  I sent the tazer to my daughter and dared her to read it at work!

[Darthvadar]

At 78 years of age, Wally married Anne, a lovely 27 year old.

Since her new husband is so old, Anne decides that after their wedding she
and Wally should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her
new but aged husband may overexert himself if they spend the
entire night together.

After the wedding festivities Anne prepares herself for bed and the
expected 'knock' on the door.
Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Wally, her 78 year
old groom, ready for action.
They unite as one.
All goes well, Wally takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to
sleep.

After a few minutes, Anne hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's
Wally.
Again he is ready for more 'action.'
Somewhat surprised, Anne consents for more coupling.
When the newlyweds are done, Wally kisses his bride, bids her a fond
goodnight and leaves.

She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha, you guessed it...... Wally is
back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready
for more 'action.'
And, once again they enjoy each other.

But as Wally gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, 'I am
thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so
often.. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only
good once. You are truly a great lover, Wally.'

Wally, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Anne and says, 'You mean I was here
already???'.

Moral of the story: Don't be afraid of getting old, senior moments have advantages!...

[Des]

Oh Lordy! The wax one got me going and the tazer.  What a laugh!  I sent the tazer to my daughter and dared her to read it at work!

I read it at work and the tears were running down my face and I nearly wet my pants.

They are very good.

[YLGuy]

I have to go blow my nose now.  I was laughing so hard at "the stun gun" I was crying.

[Des]

David Bissonette

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.


Sacha Guitry

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.


Socrates

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.


Dumas

The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, 'What does a woman want?


Sigmund Freud

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.


Anonymous

'Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.'


Sam Kinison

'There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage.'


James Holt McGavran

'I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't.'


Patrick Murray

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming 1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it, 2. Whenever you're right, shut up.


Nash

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once...


Anonymous

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.


Henny Youngman

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.


Rodney Dangerfield

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.


Anonymous

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: 'Wife wanted'. Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.'


Anonymous

First Guy (proudly): 'My wife's an angel!'
Second Guy: 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'

Ps.. please bold for me

[Des]

 
                 
                               Man who run in
                          Front of car get tired.

                            *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

                             Man who run behind
                             Car get exhausted.

                            *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

                              Man with hand in
                         Pocket feel cocky all day.

                            *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

                         
                                Man with one
                            Chopstick go hungry.

                            *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

                            Man who scratch ass
                        Should not bite fingernails.

                            *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

                              Man who eat many
                       Prunes get good run for money.

                            *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

                                                      War does not
                Determine who is right, war determine who is
                                   Left.

                            *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

                                Wife who put
                    Husband in doghouse soon find him in
                                 Cathouse.

                            *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

                             Man who fight with
                    Wife all day get no piece at night.

                            *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

                             It take many nails
                  To build crib, but one screw to fill it.

                            *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

                             Man who drive like
                         Hell, bound to get there.

                            *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

                              Man who stand on
                           Toilet is high on pot.

                            *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

                              Man who live in
                    Glass house should change clothes in
                                 Basement.

                            *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

                              Man who fish in
                    Other man's well often catch crabs.

                            *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

                              Man who fart in
                           Church sit in own pew.

                            *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

                              Crowded elevator
                        Smell different to midget...

                            *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

               

[Des]

An Israeli doctor says : "Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks." !

 


A British doctor says: "That is nothing, we can take a lung out of
one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four
weeks.

 


A Canadian doctor says: "In my country, medicine is so advanced
that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks."

 


A South African doctor: not to be outdone, says: "You guys are way
behind, We just took a man with no brain - made him President, and now the whole country is looking for work.
 

[Des]

25 REASONS I OWE MY MOTHER

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL .
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
" Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC .
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT ..
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA .
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION .
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING .
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to stay that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT .
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. You weren't born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you.