-=- THE OFFICIAL I HATE DIALYSIS.COM JOKE THREAD -=- (Bold type please!)

[MandaMe1986]

  Thats grate

[paul.karen]

I went to my local library yesterday to check out a book on Suicide.  A Friend of mine was having issues.
They refused to loan me the book.

 Said i wouldn't bring it back...

[Darthvadar]

Blonde phones her husband in tears...

"I've run out of petrol" she wailed "I'm too scared to go to the Petrol Station to fill up because of the Swine Flu"...

Husband replies "You silly cow, it's in Mexico, not Texaco!"...

[Darthvadar]

Hi all... This one's a bit naughty... Like most of them... Being Irish I can get away with it!... 

IRISH SAUSAGES

Seamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.

Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.'

He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.
 
Shamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money at all!'

Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me.'

He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints
of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.

Seamus said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!'

Murphy replied, with a smile. 'Don't worry, I have a plan , Cheers! '

They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, 'OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.'

The barman noticed  them, went berserk, and threw them out.

They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.

At the tenth pub Seamus said 'Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killing me!'
 

Murphy said, 'How do you think I feel? I can't even remember which pub I lost the sausage in.'



 

[rose1999]

 
Good to have you back Darth, hope things are feeling a little better now (I know they will never be the same), thinking of you and your family 

[Darthvadar]

Thanks Rose...

Much appreciate your support... We're doing okay... Mum's amazing... Still eating well, and taking an interest in things... Woe betide me if I go out and forget to bring back her favourite newspaper!...

God bless...

Darth...

P.S... Have another gag...

Q... What do you call a prostitute in a wheelchair?...

A... The Park and Ride!...

[paul.karen]

.

[Darthvadar]

Ha Ha!!!  ... That's BRILLIANT, Paul and Karen...  ... I'll get plenty of milage out of that one!...

Q... What's the hardest part of a vegetable to chew???...

A... The wheelchair... The spokes get stuck in your teeth!...

Thank God I'm a wheelchair user... I'm licensed to tell those kind of jokes!...

Love...

Darth...

[paul.karen]

.

[Darthvadar]

Ha Ha!!!... Paul and Karen, you're a terrible influence on me... I'd never have even dreamed of telling this one had it not been for that last one of yours... Here goes, then...


Q... What do you call a lesbian dinasour???...

a... A Lickalotapus!!!

[monrein]

You guys, I am no prude and have had a good chuckle at some of these more adult jokes BUT please remember that we do have some younger members (my 11 year old niece for example checks in here sometimes) and that the more risque jokes really ought to be posted under the premium members section.  I feel quite sure that I'm going to be asked to explain the meaning of some of these to her and while I welcome any opportunity to further her education in all matters, she comes up with enough to keep me busy all on her own.

[Darthvadar]

Point taken, Monrein...

Darth...

[paul.karen]

There gone 

[Wenchie58]

A dog thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... They must be gods!

* * *

A cat thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... I must be a god! 

[paul.karen]

:-)

   Makes sense to me

[Wenchie58]

 

[paul.karen]

 
Nerve gas  RUN

[Darthvadar]

I saw you sitting in your window yesterday... Your lovely smile, your glossy hair... And I thought of that song....

HOW MUCH IS THAT DOGGY IN THE WINDOW!... Woof Woof!!!...

[monrein]

Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:

"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."

**************************

In a Podiatrist's office:

"Time wounds all heels."

**************************

On a Septic Tank Truck:

Yesterday's Meals on Wheels

**************************

On a Plumber's truck:

"We repair what your husband fixed."

**************************

On another Plumber's truck:

"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."

**************************

On a Church's Bill board:

"7 days without God makes one weak."

**************************

At a Tyre Store

"Invite us to your next blowout."

**************************

On an Electrician's truck:

"Let us remove your shorts."

**************************

In a Non-smoking Area:

"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

**************************

On a Maternity Room door:

"Push. Push. Push."

**************************

At an Optometrist's Office:

"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

**************************

On a Taxidermist's window:

"We really know our stuff."

**************************

On a Fence:

"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!"

**************************

At a Car Dealership:

"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."

**************************

Outside a Car Exhaust Store:

"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."

**************************

In a Vets waiting room:

"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

**************************

In a Restaurant window:

"Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up."

**************************

In the front yard of a Funeral Home:

"Drive carefully. We'll wait."

**************************

And don't forget the sign at a

RADIATOR SHOP:

"Best place in town to take a leak."

**********************

Sign on the back of yet another

Septic Tank Truck:

"Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises"

[willieandwinnie]

Sister Mary Katherine entered the Monastery of Silence.
 
The Priest said, 'Sister, this is a silent monastery. You are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until directed to do so. '

Sister Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for 5 years before the Priest said to her, 'Sister Mary Katherine, you have been here for 5 years. You may speak two words.'

Sister Mary Katherine said, 'Hard bed.'

'I'm sorry to hear that,' the Priest said, 'We will get you a better bed.'

After another 5 years, Sister Mary Katherine was summoned by the Priest. 'You may say another two words, Sister Mary Katherine.'

'Cold food,' said Sister Mary Katherine, and the Priest assured her that the food would be better in the future.

On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Priest again called Sister Mary Katherine into his office. 'You may say two words today.'

'I quit,' said Sister Mary Katherine.

'It's probably best,' said the Priest, 'You've done nothing but bitch since you got here.'
 

[monrein]

This was titled An Irish Dictionary of Medical Terms



Artery.......................... The study of paintings.
Bacteria......................... Back door to cafeteria.
Barium............................ What doctors do when patients die.
Benign......................... What you be, after you be eight.
Caesarean Section........A neighbourhood in Rome ..
Catscan......................... Searching for Kitty.
Cauterize....................... Made eye contact with her.
Colic............................ A sheep dog.
Coma............................. A punctuation mark.
Dilate......................... To live long.
Enema........................... Not a friend.
Fester............................. Quicker than someone else.
Fibula........................... A small lie.
Impotent....................... Distinguished, well known.
Labour Pain.....................Getting hurt at work.
Medical Staff...................... A Doctor's cane.
Morbid............................. A higher offer.
Nitrates........................ Cheaper than day rates.
Node........................... I knew it..
Outpatient...................... A person who has fainted.
Pelvis......................... Second cousin to Elvis.
Post Operative.................. A letter carrier.
Recovery Room.................Place to do upholstery.
Rectum.......................... Nearly killed him.
Secretion...................... Hiding something.
Seizure......................... Roman emperor.
Tablet............................ A small table.
Terminal Illness................ Getting sick at the airport.
Tumour..........................One plus one more.
Urine........................... Opposite of you're out.

[Razman]

While enjoying a drink with his mate one night,ryan decides to try his luck with an attractive lady sitting by the bar.She lets him join her for a drink and to his surprise asks him to accompany him home.They spend the night hard at it.Finally they finish;Ryan rolls off,pulls out a cigarette and looks for his lighter.
He asks his new love if she has a light.
"There might be some matches in the top drawer",she replies.
Opening the drawer he finds some matches on top of a framed photo of another man.Naturally he begins to worry.
"Is this your husband?" he enquires nervously.
"No,silly" she replies.
"Your boyfriend then?"
"No",she replirs,snuggling up to him.
"Who is he then?"
"Thats me,before the operation!"   

[willowtreewren]

An out-of-state traveler was walking along the side of the road hitchhiking on a dark night in the middle of a thunderstorm.  Time passed slowly and no cars went by.  It was raining so hard he could barely see his hand in front of his face.

Suddenly he saw a car approaching, moving slowly and appearing ghostlike in the rain.  It slowly and silently crept toward him and stopped.

Wanting a ride very badly, the guy jumped into the car and closed the door;  only then did he realize that there was nobody behind the wheel, and no sound of the engine to be heard over the rain.

Again the car crept slowly forward the guy was terrified, too scared to think of jumping out and running. The guy saw that the car was approaching a sharp curve and, still too scared to jump out, he started to pray and beg for his life. He was certain the ghost car would go off  the road and into the river, and he would surely drown!

But just before the curve, a shadowy figure appeared at the driver's window and a hand reached in and turned the steering wheel, guiding the car safely around the bend.  Then, just as silently, the hand disappeared through the window and the hitchhiker was alone again.

Paralyzed with fear, the guy watched the hand reappear every time they reached a curve.  Finally the guy, frightened nearly to death, had all he could take and jumped out of the car and ran through the storm to the
nearby town.

Wet and in shock, he went into a lighted tavern and with voice quavering, ordered two shots of whiskey, and then, shaken, he told everybody about his supernatural experience.

A silence came over those listening and everybody got goose bumps.  They realized the guy was sober and was telling the truth.  And the sounds of the storm continued outside.

About half an hour later, two guys walked into the bar and one says to the other, 'Look Billy Bob, there's that idiot that rode in our car while we was pushin' it in the rain.'

[okarol]

A husband in his back yard is trying to fly a kite.
He throws the kite up in the air, the wind catches it for a few seconds, then it comes crashing back down to earth.
He tries this a few more times with no success.
All the while, his wife is watching from the kitchen window,
Muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.
She opens the window and yells to her husband, "You need a piece of tail." 
The man turns with a confused look on his face and says, "Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite."

[Darthvadar]

A Drunk Using The Bathroom

  A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood-curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom.
  A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.
  The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate what the drunk is screaming about.
  "What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring my customers!"
  "I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my b*lls."
  With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says, "Look, you idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!!!"