-=- THE OFFICIAL I HATE DIALYSIS.COM JOKE THREAD -=- (Bold type please!)

[Darthvadar]

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As you lie back your muscles tighten. You put him off for a while searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you.

He asks if you're afraid and you shake your head bravely. He has had more experience, but it's the first time his finger has found the right place.

He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but he's gentle like he promised he'd be.

He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him-he's done this many times before.

His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an easy entrance. You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible. As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give way; pain surges throughout your body and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues. He looks at you concerned and asks you if it's too painful. Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake your head and nod for him to go on. He begins going in and out with skill but you are now too numb to feel him within you.

After a few moments, you feel something bursting within you and he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have it over. He looks at you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a chuckle; that you have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience.

You smile and thank your dentist. After all, it was your first time to have a tooth pulled.

Excuse me.... What were YOU thinking???...

Naughty, Naughty!

[Darthvadar]

Three men die and arrive at the pearly gates. St Peter meets them and explains the transport difficulties in Heaven...

"Okay lads" says he "while none of you could be described as saints, you can all come into Heaven, but there IS a catch.... We're a bit short of decent transport at the moment... Now I figure that the only fair way to allocate the cars we have is to ask you about your level of faithfulness".

He turns to the first guy and asks "Have you ever been unfaithful to your wife?". "Yes" he replied "I did the dirt about half a dozen times". St Peter gave him the keys of an old, battered Micra.

He asks the second guy the same question and he replies "Yes, I was unfaithful just once". St peter says "Okay, that's a bit better" and gives him the keys to a small Mercedes.

Third guy says "St Peter, there's no need to ask me... I would NEVER be unfaithful... Perish the dreadful thought". St Peter congratulated him on his excellent behaviour, and presented him with the keys to a brand new, top of the range Rolls Royce.
All three men take their leave of St Peter and drive off.

Three weeks later, the Micra and Mercedes drivers encounter the Rolls Royce driver, sitting in his car, head on the wheel, crying his eyes out, sobbing bitterly.

The Mercedes driver says "I don't know what you're crying about... Are'nt you the flipping saint?.... Never unfaithful, and now you're driving the best car in Heaven..... Whart are you whinging about???"

The guy lifts his head, and between heart-wrenching sobs says "I know, I know, but I've just seen my wife go past me...... ON A SKATEBOARD!".

[okarol]

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, 'Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter.'

Esther always replied, 'I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars'

One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, 'Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.'

To this, Esther replied, 'Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.'

The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word.... it's fifty dollars.'

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still... nothing.

When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, 'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm really impressed!'

Morris replied, 'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars!'

[Darthvadar]

Good one, Karol...





A man is getting married and his three friends, a tailor, a baker, and a dentist decide to bribe the hotel manager to let them into the Bridal Suite to leave a few 'surprises' for the happy couple... The lads are all out for a few drinks with the groom a few weeks later, and the following conversation takes place...

Groom to Tailor: "Well, that was funny... Sewing up the legs and the sleeves in my PJ's... Yep, that was a good one"....

Groom to Baker: "Ha Ha!!!... That was a good one... The five pounds of biscuit crumbs in the bed, that was excellent... Got into some uncomfortable places, but as pranks go, I'd rate that VERY highly!"...

Groom to Dentist: "But you, you b****d.... That Lidocaine in the KY Jelly was a DIRTY trick!"

[Darthvadar]

One evening, as Uncle John and his wife are entertaining important guests with cocktails, they are interrupted by an out-of breath little Johnny who shouts out, “Uncle John! Come quick! The bull is f*****g the cow!”

Uncle John, highly embarrassed, takes young little Johnny aside and explains that a certain decorum is required. “You should have said, ‘The bull is surprising the cow’, not some filth you picked up in the streets,” he says.

A few days later, little Johnny comes again as his uncle and aunt are entertaining. “Uncle John! The bull is surprising the cows!” The adults share a knowing grin.

Uncle John says, “Thank you little Johnny, but surely you meant to say the cow, not COWS. A bull cannot ’surprise’ more than one cow at a time you know.”

“Yes he can!” replies his obstinate nephew, “He’s f*****g the horse!”.

[Darthvadar]

There were these two best friends out playing golf one beautiful day. After hitting their tee shots, both noticed that neither was even close to the fairway. One friend hit it way left, the other way right.

They decided that since the shots were so bad, they’d just meet up at the hole.

So the first guy went off and looked and looked and finally found his ball sitting down deep in a field of beautiful Buttercups. He promptly pulled out his 7 iron and started whacking away. Buttercups were flying everywhere, but the ball wouldn’t come out.

Well, finally Mother Nature got mad.

She came up from the ground and said to the man, “I’ve created this beautiful field of Buttercups and you have no respect for them at all, now they are ruined. I’m going to have to punish you. Since these are Buttercups, your punishment is that you cannot have butter for a year.”

The man started to laugh and went back to whacking at the Buttercups.

Mother Nature said, “Hey, this is no laughing matter. What do you find so funny?”

The man looked up and said, “My buddy is over on the other side in the Pussywillows.”

[paddbear0000]

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.

The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'

I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa.
'How about a demonstration?'

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'

Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'

The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it.

The auditor's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand,
with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it.'

[Darthvadar]

Brilliant Paddlebear..... I love it!!!...


A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach. Luckily the babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in because it was too risky to operate. She gave birth to two healthy daughters and a healthy son.

All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in tears.
'What's wrong?' asked the mother. 'I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out,' replied the daughter.

The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years ago.

About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears. 'Mom, I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out.'

Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years ago. A week later her son walked into the room in tears.

'It's okay' said the Mom, 'I know what happened. You were taking a tinkle and a bullet came out.'

'No Mom,' said the boy, 'I was playing with myself and I shot the cat!'.....'

[Darthvadar]

The male teacher in a girls' school asked the science class: "Who can tell me what organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated? Mary, can you tell me?"

Mary blushed furiously as she stood up. Then replied, "Sir, how dare you ask such a question? I will complain to my parents, who will complain to the principal."

The male teacher was taken aback at first by Mary's reaction. Then, as understanding dawned on him, he called for another pupil, this time a volunteer.

Lilly put up her hand. "Yes, Lilly?" asked the teacher.

"Sir, the correct answer is the iris of the eye."

"Very good. Thanks, Lilly," said the male teacher.

He then turned to the 1st girl, who threatened to complain to her parents and principal: "Well, Mary, I have 3 things to tell you:

First, you have NOT done your HOMEWORK.

Second, you have a DIRTY mind.

And thirdly, I fear, one day in future, you are going to be sadly disappointed!"

[Darthvadar]

Two guys went to a gas station that was holding a contest: a chance to win free sex when you filled your tank. They pumped their gas and went to pay the attendant.
"I'm thinking of a number between one and ten," he said. "If you guess right, you win free sex."
"Okay," agreed one of the guys, "I guess seven."
"Sorry, I was thinking of eight," replied the attendant.
The next week they tried again. When they went to pay, the attendant told them to pick a number.
"Two!" said the second guy.
"Sorry, it's three, said the attendant. "Come back and try again."
As they walked out to their car, one guy said to the other, "I think this contest is rigged."
"No way," said his buddy. "My wife won twice last week."
 
 
 

[Darthvadar]

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?" The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there's three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions." "Onions?" asks the boy. "Yes," said the father, "you see them and they make you cry." This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mom, how many kinds of willies are there?" The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his twenties, his willie is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is a birch, flexible but still reliable. After his fifties, it is like an old Christmas tree." "A Christmas tree?" "Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only."

[Darthvadar]

A father and Son were walking down the road when they came across a little bird laying in the gutter,the little son said to his father, 'Dad! Why is that little bird laying like that with his little legs sticking up in the air?'..His father said 'My dear son,sadly all living creatures have to die sometime,but now the little bird is in heaven with all the other little birds!'..His son said 'Dad,does that happen to people too?'..With which his father replied 'Yes son,sadly it does happen to people too!'..His son started to cry soooo much while looking down at the little bird..His father said to him 'Son,why are crying so much over this little bird? it's not as if you knew it?!...'But DAD! I don't want mummy to die?'..'Mummy is not going to die for a long long time son,so please don't go worrying about that!'..'But DAD she will die,because I saw her upstairs with the nice milkman last week and she was laying on her back with her legs sticking up in the air,just like this little bird!'..

[Darthvadar]

A dedicated shop steward was at a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels.

When he got to the first one, he asked the madame, "Is this a union house?"

"No, I'm sorry it isn't."

"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"

"The house gets $80 and the girls get $20."

Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable shop.

His search continued as long as you want to draw things out, until finally he reached a brothel where the madame said, "Why yes, this is a union house."

"And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"

"The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."

"That's more like it!" the man said. He looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive redhead. "I'd like her for the night."

"I'm sure you would, sir," said the madame, gesturing to a fat fifty-year-old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has seniority."

[Darthvadar]

A couple went on vacation to a resort up north. The husband liked to fish, and the wife liked to read. One morning the husband came back from fishing after getting up really early that morning and took a nap. While he slept, the wife decided to take the boat out.
She was not familiar with the lake, so she rowed out and anchored the boat, and started reading her book. Along comes the Game Warden in his boat, pulls up alongside the woman's boat and asks her what she's doing?
She says, "Reading my book." The Game Warden tells her she is in a restricted fishing area and she explains that she's not fishing.
To which he replied, "But you have all this equipment. I will have to take you in and write you up!"
Angry that the warden was being so unreasonable, the lady told the warden, "If you do that, I will charge you with rape."
The warden, shocked by her statement, replied, "But I didn't even touch you."
To which the lady replied, "Yeah, but you have all the equipment!"

[Darthvadar]

A woman posts an ad in the news paper that looks like this... 'Looking for man with these qualifications; won't beat me up; or run away from me and is great in bed.'

She got lots of phone calls replying to her ad but met someone perfect at her door one day.

The man she met said, "Hi, I'm Bob. I have no arms so I won't beat you up and no legs so I won't run away."

So the lady says, "What makes you think you are great in bed?"

Bob replies, "I rang the door bell didn't I?"

[kitkatz]

What kind of car would Jesus drive?










Wait for it....



A Honda because in the Bible he told us we should all be in one accord!

[Darthvadar]

Ha Ha!!!!... Good one, KK... Wasn't expecting that one!...

Q... What's the definition of real Recession Stress???...

A... It's when you've got a mortgage payment, a car payment, a wife, and a mistress, and they're all a month late!!!...

[willieandwinnie]

A little three year old boy is sitting on the toilet.
             
His mother thinks he has been in there too long, so she goes in to see what's up.
         
The little boy is gripping on to the toilet seat with his left hand and hitting himself on top of the head with his right hand.

His mother says: "jonathan, are you alright?  You've been in here for awhile."
             
jonathan says: "i'm fine, mommy. I just haven't gone 'doody' yet."
           
mother says: "ok, you can stay here a few more minutes. But, jonathan, why are you hitting yourself on the head?"

jonathan says: "it works for  ketchup

[Darthvadar]

Ha Ha!!!.. ... That's good, W&W!...

This one's a bit naughty....

Man goes to see a beautiful blonde female doctor for his annual check-up... The following conversation takes place....

Doctor: "You'll have to stop j**king off RIGHT NOW!"...

Patient : "Why's that, Doctor?"...

Doctor: "Because I'm trying to examine you, that's why!"...

[kitkatz]

From my hubby last night:


You know Washington Mutual is changing its name to Chase and they had to change all the signs. Let people know....

He paused....  You know GM won't have to change its signs from General Motors to Government Motors.   



Hehehehehehe!

[jbeany]

 

[paul.karen]

Many people think Obama is the messiah.

But we can tell from the cabinet he picked he is no carpenter.







EDITED:Fixed bold tag error-kitkatz-Moderator

[Darthvadar]

Like most of my jokes, this one's a bit risque....

A middle aged guy and his teenage daughter were riding a motor bike and taking a shortcut through a darkened park when they were stopped by a gang of muggers.

They searched them and took the guy’s wallet, his watch and the motorbike but couldn't find any jewelry from the girl.

When the muggers had gone, the guy asked his daughter; "Did they take your new diamond ring as well dear?"

"No Papa," replied the girl with a grin, "I managed to hide it when they were searching you."

"Hide it? where?" asked the guy," I saw them search you too."

"I slipped it into my... a... my . . .um.... pee pee place." said the girl shyly.

"Damn!" swore the guy, "If only your mother were here, we could have saved my motor bike!!"

[paddbear0000]

WRONG EMAIL ADDRESS

  A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter.  They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules.  So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel.  There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife.  However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.
 
Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston , a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack.  The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends.  After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted... The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read :
 
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: October 16, 2008
 
I know you're surprised to hear from me
They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in.
I've seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.  Looking forward to seeing you then!!!!
Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
 
P.S. Sure is freaking hot down here!!!!

[kitkatz]

There was a Rabbi who went to see what the fuss was all about in a little town of Trids. It seems the trolls in the mountains would not allow the Trids passage through. Every Trid that went to the Mountains was kicked back into town. It was frustrating to the Trids, so the Rabbi went up into the mountains to see what this was all about. 

The Trolls welcomed the Rabbi and allowed him passage through the mountains. The Rabbi on his return trip went to speak with the Troll leaders.  He asked them: "Why can I go through the mountains, but the Trids cannot?"

The Troll leader looked at the Rabbi carefully and said:  "Silly Rabbi! Kicks are for Trids!"