-=- THE OFFICIAL I HATE DIALYSIS.COM JOKE THREAD -=- (Bold type please!)

[willieandwinnie]

MY FIVE NEW BOYFRIENDS!!!

I am seeing 5 gentlemen every day. As soon as I wake up, Will Power helps me get out of bed

Then I go to see John .

Then Charlie Horse comes along, & when he is here, he takes a lot of my time & attention.

When he leaves, Arthur Ritis shows up & stays the rest of the day. He doesn't like to stay in one place very long, so he takes me from joint to joint

After such a busy day, I'm really tired & glad to go to bed With Ben Gay.
What a life!    Oh, yes, I'm also flirting with Al Zymer and thinking of calling JACK DANIELS or JOHNNY WALKER to come and keep me company.
now remember: Life is like a roll of toilet paper ...the closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes...so have fun, think 'good thoughts' only,
learn to laugh at yourself, and  'Count your blessings!!!!!!!

[tamara]

What do you call a pyschic midget that has escaped prison?

A small medium at large 

[willieandwinnie]

A 5th grader asked her mother the age-old question,
'How did I get here?'
 
'Her mother told her, 'God sent you.'
 
'Did God send you, too?' asked the child.
 
'Yes, Dear,' the mother replied.
 
'What about Grandma and Grandpa?' the child persisted.
 
'He sent them also,' the mother said.
 
'Did he send their parents, too?' asked the child.
 
'Yes, Dear, He did,' said the mother patiently.
 
'So you're telling me that there has been NO sex in this family for 200 years?
No wonder everyone's so grouchy around here.'

[thegrammalady]

 

[willieandwinnie]

LIE DETECTOR

 John was a salesman's delight when it came  to any kind of unusual gimmick.

 His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get  him to change.
 One day John came home with another one of his  unusual purchases.
 It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie  detector.

 It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy,  their 11 year old son, returned home from school.
 Tommy was over 2 hours late.

 'Where have you been?  Why are you over  2 hours late getting home?' asked John.

 'Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project,' said Tommy.

 The robot then walked around the table and slapped  Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.

 'Son,' said John, 'this robot is a lie detector,  now tell us where you really were after school.'

 'We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie.' said  Tommy.

 'What did you watch?' asked Marsha.

 'The Ten Commandments.' answered Tommy.

 The robot went around to Tommy and once again  slapped him, knocking him off his chair once more.

 With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and  said,  'I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen.'

'I am ashamed of you son,' said John. 'When I was  your age, I never lied to my parents.'

 The robot then walked around to John and delivered a  whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.

Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, 'Boy, did you ever ask for that one!
You can't be too mad with Tommy.  After all, he is your son!'

 With that the robot immediately walked around to  Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.

[Sluff]

    Is that kinda like the 3 strikes law?

[mikey07840]

How to Drive in Jersey.
You must first learn to pronounce the city name, it is Nork - rhymes with Fork, not New-ark.

The morning rush hour is from 5 AM to NOON. The evening rush hour is from NOON to 7 PM. Friday's rush hour starts on Thursday morning.

The minimum acceptable speed on the turnpike is 85 mph. On the parkway it's 105 or 110. Anything less is considered 'Sissy.' (Just ask the Governor of NJ)

Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Jersey has its own version of traffic rules. For example, cars/trucks with the loudest muffler go first at a four-way stop; the trucks with the biggest tires go second; However, in Monmouth county, SUV-driving, cell phone-talking moms ALWAYS have the right of way.

If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear ended, cussed out, and possibly shot.

Never honk at anyone. EVER! Seriously. It's another offense that can get you shot.

Road construction is permanent and continuous in all of Jersey. Detour barrels are moved around for your entertainment pleasure during the middle of the night to make the next day's driving a bit more exciting.

Watch carefully for road hazards such as drunks, skunks, dogs, cats, barrels, cones, celebs, rubber-neckers, shredded tires, cell-phoners, deer and other road kill, and the Homeless feeding on any of these items.

MapQuest does NOT work here -- none of the roads are where they say they are or go where they say they do and all the Turnpike EZ Pass lanes are moved each night once again to make your ride more exciting.

If someone actually has their Turn Signal ON, wave them to the shoulder immediately to let them know it has been 'accidentally activated.'

If you are in the left lane and only driving 70 in a 55-65mph zone, you are considered a road hazard and will be 'flipped off' accordingly. If you return the flip, you'll be shot.

Do not try to estimate travel time -- just leave Monday afternoon for Tuesday appointments, by noon Thursday for Friday appointments, and right after church on Sunday for anything on Monday morning.

SAFE DRIVING ! ! !

[xtrememoosetrax]

Just want to say THANKS to all you folks who keep the jokes coming.  I was feeling a bit stressed yesterday, came to this thread and spent about 15 minutes laughing my head off until the tears came, and felt 100% better afterwards!!  I don't know where you find them all, but they are certainly appreciated.   

[mcjane]

70-year-old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back with normal results. Dr. Smith said, "George, everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with yourself, and do you have a good relationship with your God?"

George replied, "God and me are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so that when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom (poof!) the light goes on when I pee, and then (poof!) the light goes off when I'm done."

"Wow," commented Dr. Smith, "that's incredible!"

A little later in the day Dr. Smith called George's wife.
"Thelma," he said, "George is just fine. Physically he's great. But I had to call because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and (poof!) the light goes on in the bathroom, and then (poof!) the light goes off?"
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
Thelma exclaimed, "That old fool! He's peeing in the refrigerator again!"



EDITED: Added bold prompt - Sluff/Admin

[mcjane]

GOOD:
A policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders but
wasn't getting many. Then he discovered the problem: a 10-year-old boy was standing by the road with a hand-painted sign which read, "RADAR TRAP AHEAD."

The officer then found a young accomplice down the road with a sign reading "TIPS" and a bucket full of change. (And we used to just sell lemonade!)
* * * * * * * * * *
BETTER:
A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar. A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40. The police responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.
* * * * * * * * *
BEST:
A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the motorcycle officer walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Highway Patrolmen's Ball."

He replied, "Highway patrolmen don't have balls." There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what he'd just said. He then closed his book, got back on his motorcycle and left.

She was still laughing .....




EDITED: Added bold prompt_Sluff/Admin

[mcjane]

Lines From the Old Hollywood Squares
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 ..............
From The Original Hollywood Squares T.V. Show.


Q: If you're going to make a parachute jump, you should be at least how
high?
A: Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q: True or false...a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A: George Gobel: Boy it sure seems that way sometimes...

Q: You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a
woman?
A: Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q: According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think he's
really attractive, is it okay to come out directly and ask him if he's
married?
A: Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.

Q: Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A: Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q: In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I love you"?
A: Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

Q: What are "Do It", "I Can Help" and "Can't Get Enough"?
A: George Gobel: I don't know but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q: As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands
while you are talking?
A: Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing older question, Peter and I'll
give you a gesture you'll never forget!

Q: Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A: Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q: Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get
any during your first year?
A: Charley Weaver: Of course not, Peter. I'm too busy growing strawberries!

Q: In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A: Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q: It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps.
One is politics. What is the other?
A: Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q: During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A: Rose Marie: Unfortunately, Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Q: Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A: Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q: When you pat a dog on its head he will usually wag his tail.
What will a goose do?
A: Paul Lynde: Make him bark.

Q: If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A: Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q: According to Ann Landers, is their anything wrong with getting into the
habit of kissing a lot of people?
A: Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army!

Q: Is it possible for the puppies in a litter to have more than one daddy?
A: Paul Lynde: Why, that #*!@!

Q: While visiting China, your tour guide starts shouting "Poo! Poo!
Poo!" What does that mean?
A: George Goebel: Cattle crossing.

Q: It is the most abused and neglected part of your body - what is it?
A: Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused but it certainly isn't neglected!

Q: Charley, what do you call a pig that weighs more than 150 pounds?
A: Charley Weaver: A divorcee.

Q: Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head,
what was he trying to do?
A: George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q: Dennis Weaver, Debbie Reynolds, and Shelley Winters star in the movie
"What's The Matter With Helen?" Who plays Helen?
A: Charley Weaver: Dennis Weaver - that's why they asked the question.

Q: Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your
elephant?
A: Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q: When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for it's sex?
A: Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car. The rest is up to him.

Q: James Stewart did it over twenty years ago when he was forty-one years
old. Now he says it was "one of the best things I ever did."
What was it?
A: Marty Allen: Rhonda Fleming.

Q: Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has
actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A: Charley Weaver: His feet.

Q: Do female frogs croak?
A: Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q: Imagine you are a child in your mother's womb, can you detect light?
A: Paul Lynde: Only during ballet practice.




EDITED: Added bold prompt - Sluff/Admin

[mcjane]

HOW DO YOU GET HOLY WATER?

You boil the hell out of it.

.WHAT DO FISH SAY WHEN THEY HIT A CONCRETE
WALL?

Dam.

WHAT DO ESKIMOS GET FROM SITTING ON THE
ICE?

Polaroids.

WHAT DO YOU CALL A BOOMERANG THAT DOESN'T
WORK?

A stick

WHAT DO YOU CALL CHEESE THAT ISN'T YOURS?

Nacho cheese

WHAT DO YOU CALL SANTA'S HELPERS?

Subordinate Clauses.

WHAT DO YOU CALL 4 BULLFIGHTERS IN
QUICKSAND?

Quatro sinko.

WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN YOU CROSS A SNOWMAN
WITH A VAMPIRE?

Frostbite.

WHAT LIES AT THE BOTTOM OF THE OCEAN AND
TWITCHES?

A nervous wreck

WHERE DO YOU FIND A DOG WITH NO LEGS?

Right where you left him.

WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN ROAST BEEF
AND PEA SOUP?

Anyone can roast beef (think about it!)

WHY DON'T BLIND PEOPLE LIKE TO SKY DIVE?

Because it scares the hell out of the dog

WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A HARLEY
AND A HOOVER?

The location of the Dirt Bag.

WHY DOES A PILGRIMS PANTS ALWAYS FALL
DOWN?

Because they wear their belt buckles on their
hat.

WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A BAD
GOLFER AND A BAD SKYDIVER?

A bad golfer goes whack, damn. A bad sky
diver goes damn, whack.


WHAT DO YOU CALL SKYDIVING LAWYERS?

Skeet.

WHAT GOES CLOP, CLOP CLOP, BANG, BANG,
CLOP, CLOP, CLOP.

An Amish drive-by-shooting.

HOW ARE A TEXAS TORNADO AND TENNESSEE
DIVORCE THE SAME?

Somebody's gonna lose a trailer





EDITED: Added bold prompt - Sluff/Admin

[mcjane]

Once more..........SNOW
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 Billy Bob moved to New Hampshire from Tennessee. One night in late November, the weatherman announced there would be 5 to 7 inches of snow overnight and you should park your car on the odd numbered side of the street. Billy Bob said, "Jeez, snow," and dutifully moved his car.

A few nights later, the news report said there would be 8 to 10 inches of snow and cars should be parked on the even numbered side of the street. "Jeez, more snow," Billy Bob said and moved his car.

A week and a half later, Billy Bob and Mama were watching the 10 O'clock news during a new snowstorm and the reporter said there would be "18 inches of snow by morning and you should park your car....." at which point the power went off.

Billy Bob didn't know where to put the car so he asked Mama what she thought. After a short hesitation and a long gulp of beer she said, "Shoot, why not just take a chance and leave it in the garage this time?"





EDITED: Added bold prompt - Sluff/Admin

[mcjane]

They Really Said It! Headlines .......

** Grandmother of eight makes hole in one
** Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers
** House passes gas tax onto senate
** Deaf mute gets new hearing in killing
** Stiff opposition expected to casketless funeral plan
** Two convicts evade noose, jury hung
** William Kelly was fed secretary
** Milk drinkers are turning to powder
** Safety experts say school bus passengers should be belted
** Quarter of a million Chinese live on water
** Farmer bill dies in house
** Iraqi head seeks arms

Lack of Appropriate Grammar Confuses the Issue:

** Eye drops off shelf
** Squad helps dog bite victim
** Dealers will hear car talk at noon
** Enraged cow injures farmer with ax
** Lawmen from Mexico barbecue guests
** Miners refuse to work after death
** Two Soviet ships collide - one dies
** Two sisters reunite after eighteen years at checkout counter

No, They Didn't Mean THAT, Really!

** Never withhold herpes from loved one
** Nicaragua sets goal to wipe out literacy
** Drunk drivers paid $1,000 in 1984
** Autos killing 110 a day, let's resolve to do better

Well Duh... OR Doesn't It Seem Obvious...

** If strike isn't settled quickly it may last a while
** War dims hope for peace
** Smokers are productive, but death cuts efficiency
** Cold wave linked to temperatures
** Blind woman gets new kidney from dad she hasn't seen in years
** Man is fatally slain
** Something went wrong in jet crash, experts say
** Death causes loneliness, feeling of isolation




EDITED: Added bold prompt - Sluff/Admin

[mcjane]

Miss Annie was in her eighties, and much admired for her
sweetness and kindness to all. The pastor came to call on
her one afternoon early in the spring, and she welcomed him
into her Victorian parlor. She invited him to have a seat while
she prepared a little tea.

As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister
noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it, filled with water.
In the water floated, of all things...a condom.

Imagine his shock and surprise. Imagine his curiosity!

Surely Miss Annie had flipped or something...! But he
certainly couldn't mention the strange sight in her parlor.

When she returned with tea and cookies, they began to
chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl
of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better
of him and he could resist no longer.

"Miss Annie," he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about
this?" (pointing to the bowl). "Oh, yes," she replied, "isn't it
wonderful? I was walking downtown last fall and I found this
little package. The directions said to put it on the organ,
keep it wet, and it would prevent disease. And you know...

I haven't had a cold all winter."





EDITED: Added bold prompt - Sluff/Admin

[mcjane]

The Japanese Tourist.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 A Japanese tourist, visiting the USA, called in at a bank to exchange some yen for greenbacks.
Handing over 100,000 yen the bank clerk gave him $770.00 USD.
A couple of days later the Japanese tourist was back at the bank to exchange another 100,000 yen.
This time the tourist only received $740.00, $30.00 less than a couple of days earlier.
When the tourist asked why he hadn't got as much for his yen as he had a couple of days earlier, the bank clerk explained "fluctuations", to which the Japanese guy said, "Fluck you bloody Americans too!"





EDITED: Added bold prompt - Sluff/Admin

[mcjane]

Three alter boys made confession to their priest that during the week they had sex, four times, each with someone named Nookie Green. The priest was very concerned, and wondered who Nookie Green was, and the effect she was having on the alter boys.
Sunday morning during Mass, the church door flew opened and in came this very large woman. Her hair was died bright red, she had on a low cut blouse, with a wide red belt and
a short, tight animal print skirt. She was also wearing spiked heeled green shoes. "This has got to be Nookie Green", the Priest thought.
She sat on the front row, her legs apart and wearing no underware. Wispering to one of the alter boys the Priest asked, "Is that Nookie Green?"
"No", the alter boy whispered back, "I think it's the reflection of her shoes."





EDITED: Added bold prompt - Sluff/Admin

[mcjane]

Long, But Funny

CHRISTMAS WITH LOUISE

As a joke, my divorced brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them. What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings were overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty. One year I decided to make his dream come true.

I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at Walmart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown. If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, "What does this do?" "You're kidding me!" and "Who would buy that?" Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section. I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour.
Finding what I wanted was difficult. Love dolls come in
many different models. The top of the line, according to the
side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on
animal husbandry. I settled for 'Lovable Louise." She was at the bottom of the price scale. To call Louise a "doll" took a huge leap of imagination. On Christmas Eve, with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life. My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours,
long after Santa had come and gone.

I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained
of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled
for a couple of hours. The next morning my brother called to
say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that
had made him VERY happy but had left the dog confused. She
would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark
some more. We all agreed that Louise should remain in her
panty hose so the rest of the family could admire her when
they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner. My
grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door.
"What the hell is that?" she asked. My brother quickly
explained, "It's a doll." "Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped. I had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut. "Where are her clothes?" Granny
continued. "Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran," Jay
said, trying to steer her into the dining room. But Granny was relentless. "Why doesn't she have any teeth?"
Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, "Hang on Granny! Hang on!"

My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, " Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?" I told him she was Jay's friend. A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.

The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about
who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when
suddenly Louise made a noise that sounded a lot like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the panty hose, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa.

The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees,
and began administering mouth to mouth resuscitation.

My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants and
Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room,
and sat in the car.

It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember. Later
in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination
to decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh. Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health. Louise went on to star in several bachelor party movies.

I think Grandpa still calls her whenever he can get out of
the house.






EDITED: Added bold prompt - Sluff/Admin

[mcjane]

Church Potluck

One of the matrons of the church was cooking a pot of
her famous beans for the church potluck, and her son,
Little Johnny, came running through the house, BB gun
in one hand, and a handful of BBs in the other.

He tripped and the BBs, naturally, went right into the pot
of beans. Thinking it over, Little Johnny could think of no
reason why he should risk punishment, so he said nothing.

The dinner went well, and, as usual, the beans were one of
the favorite dishes. The next day, the church secretary,
Mary, called Little Johnny's

mother and said, "Jane, your beans were delicious as
usual, but what did you put in them this time?"

Jane replied, "Nothing new, why do you ask?"

"Well," said Mary, "this morning I bent over to feed the
cat and I shot the canary."






EDITED: Added bold prompt - Sluff/Admin

[mcjane]

This joke is my favorite:

Mary's Discharged

Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sunk to the bottom and stayed there. Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered her to be mentally stable.

When he went to tell Mary the news he said, "Mary, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged because since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses. The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Mary replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry."






EDITED: Added bold prompt - Sluff/Admin

[okarol]

One morning three Alabama good
 old boys and three Yankees were in a ticket line at
 the Birmingham train station heading to Atlanta for
 a big football game.

 The three Northerners each
 bought a ticket and watched as the three Southerners
 bought just one ticket between them.

"How are the three of you
 going to travel on only one ticket?" asked one of
 the Yankees.

"Watch and learn," answered
 one of the boys from the South.

When the six travelers boarded
 the train, the three Yankees sat down, but the three
 Southerners crammed into a bathroom together and
 closed the door.

Shortly after the train
 departed, the conductor came around to collect
 tickets.

He knocked on the bathroom
 door and said, "Ticket, please." The door opened
 just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket
 in hand. The conductor took it and moved on.

The Yankees saw this happen
 and agreed it was quite a clever idea. Indeed, so
 clever that they decided to do the same thing on the
 return trip and save some money.

That evening after the game
 when they got to the Atlanta train station, they
 bought a single ticket for the return trip while to
 their astonishment the three Southerners didn't buy
 even one ticket.

"How are you going to travel
 without a ticket?" asked one of the perplexed
 Yankees.

"Watch and learn," answered
 one of the Southern boys.

When they boarded the train,
 the three Northerners crammed themselves into a
 bathroom and the three Southerners crammed
 themselves into the other bathroom across from it.
 Shortly after the train began to move, one of the
 Southerners left their bathroom and walked quietly
 over to the Yankee's bathroom. He knocked on the
 door and said, "Ticket, please."

There's just no way on God's
 green earth to explain how the Yankees won the war.

[Hawkeye]

Bad Day

Coming into the bar and ordering a double, the man leaned over and confided to the bartender, "I'm so pissed off !"

"Oh yeah? What happened?" asked the bartender politely.

"See, I met this beautiful woman who invited me back to her home. We stripped off our clothes and jumped into bed and we were just about to make love when her god damned husband came in the front door. So I had to jump out of the bedroom window and hang from the ledge by my fingernails!"

"Gee, that's tough!" commiserated the bartender.

  "Right, but that's not what really got me aggravated," the customer went on.

"When her husband came into the room he said, 'Hey great! You're naked already! Let me just take a leak.'

And damned if the lazy son of a bitch didn't piss out the window  right onto my head?"

"Yeech!" the bartender shook his head. "No wonder you're in a lousy mood."

"Yeah, but I haven't told you what really, really got to me. Next, I had to listen to them grunting and groaning and when they finished, the husband tossed his condom out of the window. And where does it land? My damned forehead!"  "Damn, that really is a drag!" says the bartender.  "Oh, I'm not finished. See what really pissed me off was when the husband had to take a dump. It turns out that their toilet is broken, so he stuck his ass out of the window and let loose right on my head !"  The bartender paled. "That would sure mess up my day."  "Yeah, yeah, yeah," the fellow rattled on, "but do you know what REALLY, REALLY, REALLY pissed me off? When I looked down and saw that my feet were only SIX inches off the ground!"

[Hawkeye]

Gorilla Remover

A man wakes up one morning to find a gorilla on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Gorilla Removers". He calls the number, and the gorilla remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.

The gorilla remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.

"What are you going to do?" the homeowner asks.

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with this baseball bat. When the gorilla falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The gorilla will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."

So the guy puts the ladder up, gets the bat and the shotgun and walks towards the ladder. As he gets to the base of the ladder, he hands the shotgun to the homeowner.

"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.

"If the gorilla knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog!"

[Katonsdad]

The Banana Test

There is a very, very tall coconut tree and there are 4 animals, a Lion,
a Chimpanzee, a Giraffe, and a Squirrel, who are standing under it. They
decide to compete to see who is the fastest to get a banana off the
tree.

Who do you guess will win?

Your answer will reflect your personality.

So think carefully . . . Try and answer within 30 seconds

Got your answer?


Now scroll down to see the analysis.














If your answer is: Lion = you're dull.

Chimpanzee = you're a moron.

Giraffe = you're a complete idiot.

Squirrel = you're just hopelessly stupid.



A COCONUT TREE DOESN'T HAVE BANANAS.

Obviously you're stressed and overworked. You should take some time off and relax! Try again next year.
 
 

[flip]

Skinny Dippers



 An elderly man in Kentucky had owned a large
 farm for several years. He had a large pond in the
 back, fixed up really nice, along with some picnic
 tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach
 trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for
 swimming when it was built.

 One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the
 pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look
 it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring
 back some fruit.

 As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and
 laughing with glee. When he came closer, he realized
 it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his
 pond. He made the women aware of his presence and
 they all went to the deep end to shield themselves.

 One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming
 out until you leave!"

 The old man frowned and replied, "I didn't come down
 here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get
 out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he
 said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

 Moral of the story: Old men may move slow but can
 still think fast.



EDITED: Merged topic and added bold prompt - Sluff/Admin