-=- THE OFFICIAL I HATE DIALYSIS.COM JOKE THREAD -=- (Bold type please!)

[UNIBALLER]

What did George Washington say to his men before they crossed the Delaware River?


















Get in the boat!


Edited: Added bold format - okarol/admin

[Katonsdad]

Well, Girl Potato and Boy Potato had eyes for each other, and finally
they got married, and had a little sweet potato, which they called
'Yam.'

Of course, they wanted the best for Yam.
When it was time, they told her about the facts of life.

They warned her about going out and getting half-baked, so she wouldn't
get accidentally mashed, and get a bad name for herself like 'Hot
Potato,' and end up with a bunch of Tater Tots.

Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get her into the sack and make a
rotten potato out of her!

But on the other hand she wouldn't stay home and become a Couch Potato
either.
She would get plenty of exercise so as not to be skinny like her
Shoestring cousins.

When she went off to Europe, Mr. and Mrs. Potato told Yam to watch out
for the hard-boiled guys from Ireland , and the greasy guys from France
called the French Fries.
 
And when she went out west, to watch out for the Indians so she wouldn't
get scalloped.

Yam said she would stay on the straight and narrow and wouldn't
associate with those high class Yukon Golds, or the ones from the other
side of the tracks who advertise their trade on all the trucks that say,
'Frito Lay.'

Mr. And Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Idaho P.U. (that's Potato University )
so that when she graduated she'd really be in the Chips.

But in spite of all they did for her, one-day Yam came home and
announced she was going to marry Tom Brokaw.

Tom Brokaw!
Mr. and Mrs. Potato were very upset.
They told Yam she couldn't possibly marry Tom Brokaw because he's
just.....

Are you ready for this?

Are you sure?
*
*
OK! Here it is!
*
*
*
*
.
.
.
/
/
/
/
/
A COMMONTATER

[Katonsdad]

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD!
You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They 're go ing to STICK! Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you a lways forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"
The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

[twirl]

the egg joke

have you been talking to my husband

[Katonsdad]

  >
>
> Rrriiiiinnnnggg . . . . . . rrriiiinnnngg,**
>
> "Hello?"
>
> "Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?"
>
> "No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."
>
> After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle
> Paul."
>
> "Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now."
>
> Brief Pause...
>
> "Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on
> the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door
> and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."
>
> "Okay Daddy. Just a minute." A few minutes later the little girl comes
> back to the phone. "I did it Daddy."
>
> "And what happened, honey?"
>
> "Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and
> ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on
> the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"
>
> "Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?"
>
> "He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared
> and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I
> guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it.
> He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead."
>
> *****Long Pause*****
>
> *****Longer Pause*****
>
> *****Even Longer Pause*****
>
> Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool? Is this 486-5731?"
>
> "No, I think you have the wrong number."

[twirl]

    where do you get these?         

[Ang]

 

[rose1999]

A far more accurate account of the events of that fateful morning...

Baby Bear goes downstairs, sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty. 'Who's been eating my porridge?!?' he squeaks.

Daddy Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl and it is also empty. 'Who's been eating my porridge?!?' he roars.

Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells,
'For God's sake, how many times do I have to go through this with you two idiots?'
She continues:
'It was Mummy Bear who got up first. It was Mummy Bear who woke everyone in the house. It was Mummy Bear who made the coffee. It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and then put everything away.
It was Mummy Bear who swept the floor in the kitchen. It was Mummy Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper and croissants.
It was Mummy Bear who set the damn table.'
She sighs, and continues:
'It was Mummy Bear who walked the bloody dog, cleaned the damn cat's litter tray, gave them both their food, and refilled their water.

'And NOW that you've BOTH decided  to drag your sorry bear-asses downstairs and grace Mummy Bear with your grumpy presence, ... listen carefully ...
because I'm ONLY going to say this ONCE...

'I HAVEN'T HAD THE TIME
TO MAKE YOUR *****  PORRIDGE YET!!!'




EDITED: Added Bold Prompt - Sluff/Admin

[twirl]

 

[mikey07840]

Ralph, age 72, is visiting London for the first time. He decides to skip the afternoon tour and explore the city on his own.

He wanders around, seeing the sights, and occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the lads, and have a pint of Guinness.

After a while, he finds himself in a very high-class neighborhood. Big, stately residences ... no pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of all ... no public restrooms.

He really, really has to go, after all those Guinness beers and all that trouble with his prostate.

Ralph finds a narrow side street with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem.

As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London bobby (policeman), who says, "I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know."

"I'm very sorry, officer," replies Ralph, "but I really, really HAVE TO GO, and I just can't find a public restroom."

"Ah, yes," said the bobby, "Just follow me."

He leads him to a back delivery alley, then along a wall to a gate, which he opens. "In there," points the bobbie. "Whiz away, anywhere you want."

Ralph enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. There are manicured lawns, statuary, fountains, sculptured hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom.

Since he has the cop's blessing, he unburdens himself and is greatly relieved.

As he goes back through the gate, he says to the bobby, "That was really decent of you. Is that what you call 'British hospitality'?"

"No sir," replied the bobbie, "that is what we call the French Embassy."
 

[mikey07840]

What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother?


Eventually the Rottweiler will let go.


- - - - - -

Why does California have the most lawyers and New Jersey have the most toxic waste dumps?


New Jersey got to choose first.


- - - - - -

What do you call 1000 lawyers chained to the bottom of the ocean?


A good start.


- - - - - -


How many Jewish grandmothers does it take to change a light bulb?


"Never mind, I'll just sit here in the dark."

[Katonsdad]

Grandmas Don't Know Everything

He'd been playing outside with the other kids for
 
a while.
   
When he came into the house and asked her,
 
'Grandma, what's that
   thing called when two people sleep in the same
 
room and one is on top of
   the other?'

She was a little taken aback, but she decided to
 
just tell him the
   truth. 'It's called sexual intercourse, darling'.

Little Tony just said, 'Oh, OK,' and went back
 
outside to play
   with the other kids.

A few minutes later he came back in and said
 
angrily, 'Grandma, it
   isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk
 
Beds. And Jimmy's
   mom wants to talk to you.'

 

[twirl]

 

[LadyStardust89]

This is my own creation...

What did the sketch artist say to the man in the hoodie?

"you look sketchy"

And what did the man say back to the sketch artist?

"You look Shady yourself..."
 

[twirl]

    that is funny :yahoo
got anymore

[Katonsdad]

Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. -
Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

This is how it manifests:

I decide to water my garden.

As I turn on the hose in the driveway,
I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.

As I start toward the garage,

I notice mail on the porch table that
I brought up from the mail box earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.
I lay my car keys on the table,

put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table,
and notice that the can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back
on the table and take out the garbage first.
But then I think,

since I'm going to be near the mailbox
when I take out the garbage anyway,
I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my check book off the table,

and see that there is only one check left.

My extra checks are in my desk in the study,

so I go inside the house to my desk where
I find the can of Coke I'd been drinking.

I'm going to look for my checks,

but first I need to push the Coke aside
so that I don't accidentally knock it over

The Coke is getting warm,

and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it
cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke,

a vase of flowers on the counter
catches my eye--they need water.

I put the Coke on the counter and

discover my reading glasses that
I've been searching for all morning.

I decide I better put them back on my desk,

but first I'm going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter,

fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV
remote.
Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV,

I'll be looking for the remote,
but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table,
so I decide to put it back in the den where it
belongs,
but first I'll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers,

but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.

So, I set the remote back on the table,

get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then, I head down the hall trying to

remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:
the car isn't washed
the bills aren't paid
there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter
the flowers don't have enough water,
there is still only 1 check in my check book,
I can't find the remote,
I can't find my glasses,
and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done
today,

I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all  day,
and I'm really tired.

[Ang]

so  i've  got  something  to  look  forward  to  in  later  age

[twirl]

do you know my husband

[Ang]

probably  in  another  life,but  if  where  at  all  the  same,  he  would  of  started  young  as  it  appears  i'm  doing

[twirl]

 
you are forever young

[okarol]

Wal-Mart Greeter

A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into Wal-Mart with her
two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

The Wal-Mart Greeter said pleasantly, 'Good morning, and welcome to
Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?'

The woman stopped yelling long enough to say, 'Heck no they ain't! The
oldest one's 9 and the other one's 7.

Why the heck would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?'

'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am,' replied the greeter. 'I just
couldn't believe someone would sleep with you twice. Have a good day and thank you
for shopping at Wal-Mart.'

[angela515]

 

[Ang]

now don't  you  just  want  to  say  something  similar  to  some  people  every  day

[willieandwinnie]

What Do You Do All Day?

 

A man came home from work and found his three children outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard.

The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house and there was no sign of the dog.

Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall.

In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing.

In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she might be ill, or that something serious had happened.

He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door. As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys strewn over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls.

As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went.

He looked at her bewildered and asked, 'What happened here today?'

She again smiled and answered, 'You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me 'What in the world do I do all day?'

'Yes,' was his incredulous reply.

 She answered, 'Well, today I didn't do it.'

[okarol]

A little girl asked her mother, 'How did the human race appear?' The mother answered, 'God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so was all mankind made.'

Two days later the girl asked her father the same question. The father answered, 'Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.'

The confused girl returned to her mother and said, 'Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?'

The mother answered, 'Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his.'