-=- THE OFFICIAL I HATE DIALYSIS.COM JOKE THREAD -=- (Bold type please!)

[mcjane]

A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a newspaper.

"What was that for?" he asked.

"That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Mary Lou written on it," she replied.

"Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Mary Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on," he explained.

"Oh honey, I'm sorry," she said. "I should have known there was a good explanation."

Three days later he was watching a ball game on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which knocked him out cold.

When he came to, he asked, "What did you do that for?"

She replied "Your horse called." Oh Ohhhhh!!

[mcjane]

The hotel bill !!
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 A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to
Boston. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350.

The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high.He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350. When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use. "But we didn't use them", the man complains.
"Well, they are here, and you could have," explains the Manager.
He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says. "But we didn't go to any of those shows,"
complains the man again. "Well, we have them, and you could have", the Manager replies. No matter what facility the Manager mentions, the man replies, "But we didn't use it!"

The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up
and agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the Manager. The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But sir," he says, "this check is only made out for $100."

"That's right," says the man. "I charged you $250 for   sleeping with my wife." "But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.
"Well," the man replies, "she was here, and you could have."

[mcjane]

1. Barbie's full name is Barbara Milicent Roberts.

2. It is impossible to lick your elbow.

3. A crocodile can't stick its tongue out.

4. A shrimp's heart is in their head.

5. People say "Bless you" when you sneeze because when you sneeze, your heart stops for a mili-second.

6. In a study of 200,000 ostriches over a period of 80 years, no one reported a single case where an ostrich buried its head in the sand (or attempted to do so).

7. It is physically impossible for pigs to look up into the sky.

8. A pregnant goldfish is called a twit

9. Between 1937 and 1945 Heinz produced a version of Alphabetti Spaghetti especially for the German market that consisted solely of little pasta swastikas.

10. By law, every child in Belgium must take harmonica lessons at Primary school.

11. On average, a human being will have sex more than 3,000 times and spend two weeks kissing in their lifetime.

12. More than 50% of the people in the world have never made or received a telephone call.

13. Rats and horses can't vomit.

14. The "sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick" is said to be the toughest tongue twister in the English language.

15. If you sneeze too hard, you can fracture a rib. If you try to suppress a sneeze, you can rupture a blood vessel in your head or neck and die. If you keep your eyes open by force, they will pop out.

16. Rats multiply so quickly that in 18 months, two rats could have over million descendants.

17. Wearing headphones for just an hour will increase the bacteria in your ear by 700 times.

18. If the government has no knowledge of aliens, then why does Title 14, Section 1211 of the Code of Federal Regulations, implemented on July 16, 1969, make it illegal for U.S. citizens to have any contact with extraterrestrials or their vehicles?

19. In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere.

20. The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.

21. Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.

22. A duck's quack doesn't echo anywhere, and no one knows why.

23. 23% of all photocopier faults worldwide are caused by people sitting on them and photocopying their buttocks.

24. In the course of an average lifetime you will, while sleeping, eat 70 assorted insects and 10 spiders.

25. Most lipstick contains fish scales.

26. Cat's urine glows under a black light.

27. Like fingerprints, everyone's tongue print is different.

[mcjane]

The Story!!
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 This Middle aged man was going through his mid-life crisis so he went out and bought him a new bright red Porsche. He decided to take his new Porsche on a test drive down the interstate one day.

He got up to about 85 mph and all of a sudden he saw this highway patrolman with his blue lights and siren blaring coming toward him. He decided he and his new Porsche would outrun the officer. So the man sped up to 95 mph, and then to 105 mph, but the patrolman was still coming.

The man finally came to his senses and said to himself, "This is crazy, I could go to jail for this," he pulled over. The patrolman came to the car and told the man, "It has been a long day and I am tired. If you can give me an excuse no one else has ever given me I will let you go."

The man told the officer, "Last night my wife ran off with a patrolman and when I saw you chasing me I thought you were trying to bring her back."

The officer looked at the man and said, "Have a nice day."

[mcjane]

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink.

Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, and he was no exception.

When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen.

He goes back into the bar, handily flips his gun into the air, catches it above his head without even looking and fires a shot into the ceiling.

"WHICH ONE OF YOU SIDEWINDERS STOLE MY HOSS?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness.

No one answered.

"ALL RIGHT, I'M GONNA HAVE ANOTHA BEER, AND IF MY HOSS AIN'T BACK OUTSIDE BY THE TIME I FINNISH, I'M GONNA DO WHAT I DUN IN TEXAS! AND I DON'T LIKE TO HAVE TO DO WHAT I DUN IN TEXAS!"

Some of the locals shifted restlessly.

He had another beer, walked outside, and his horse is back! He saddles-up and starts to ride out of town.

The bartender wanders out of the bar and asks, "Say partner, before you go... what happened in Texas?"

The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."

[mcjane]

Three Guys.....
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 Three men are sitting in the sauna. Suddenly there is
a beeping sound. The first man presses his forearm and
the beeping stops. The two others look astonished.
"Oh," he says, "I have a microchip under the skin of
my arm and that's my pager."

A moment later there is a ringing sound. The second
man lifts his arm to his ear and starts talking. When
he is done he explains, "I have a microchip in my arm
and that's my mobile phone."

The third man feels somewhat left out and steps out
of the sauna. After a few minutes he returns with a
piece of toilet paper sticking out from between his
buttocks. The two others look astonished.

"Oh," he explains, "I'm just getting a fax."

[mcjane]

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson goes on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend.

‘Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”

I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes,” replies Watson.

“And what do you deduce from that?”

Watson ponders for a minute.

“Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.
“Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?”


Holmes is silent for a moment. ‘Watson, you idiot!” he says. “Someone has stolen our tent!”

[mcjane]

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.” The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”

[mcjane]

When the Russians first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem Russian scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C.

The Americans used a pencil.

[willieandwinnie]

ROSES & HANGING BASKETS

A teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with this see-through blouse on and no bra.
Her grandmother just pitched a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that!
The teenager tells her 'Loosen up Grams.
These are modern times. You gotta let your rose buds show!' and out she goes.

The next day the teenager comes down stairs, and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on.
The teenager wants to die. She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over
and that it is just not appropriate....
The grandmother says, 'Loosen up, Sweetie.
If you can show off your rose buds, then I can display my hanging baskets.

[twirl]

 

[willieandwinnie]

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.'
 
With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter:
 
 
Dear Dad,
 
 It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with mom and you. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so n! ice, bu t I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's not only the passion
 
Dad ... she's pregnant.
 
Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy. In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better.
 
She deserves it.
 
Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sur! e that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.
 
Love,
 
Your son, John
 
PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a report card that's in my center desk drawer. I love you.
 
Call me when it's safe to come home

[mcjane]

 

[Sluff]

 

[Sluff]

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.



Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo Sabe, look towards sky; what you see?"

The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars.

"

"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.



The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

What's it tell you, Tonto?"

"You dumber than buffalo shit. Someone stole tent.

[twirl]

 

[twirl]

 

[paddbear0000]

 

[okarol]

                   An old cowboy sat down at Starbucks and ordered a cup of
                   coffee.

                   As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.


                   She turned to the cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real
                   cowboy?'


                   He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life breaking
                   colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences,
                   pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning
                   my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors and feeding
                   my dogs, so I guess I'm a cowboy.'


                   She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking
                   about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think
                   about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I
                   watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women
                   when I eat. It seems everything makes me think of
                   women.'


                   The two sat sipping in silence.


                   A little later a man sat down on the other side of the
                   old cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'


                   He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found
                   out I'm a lesbian.'

                     

[Sluff]

Giddy Up Cowboy.

[Ang]

whats  the  difference  between  snowmen  and  snowwoman?












snow balls.

[Sluff]

Sometimes the simplest of jokes are the funniest. 

[Hawkeye]

Ok on the simple joke vein.


Why is 6 afraid of 7?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Because 7 8 9.

[okarol]

Where does a sheep gets his haircut?






At the baaa baaa shop.    

[Hawkeye]

Knock, Knock.
Who's There?
Banana.
Banana Who?

Knock, Knock.
Who's There?
Banana.
Banana Who?

Knock, Knock.
Who's There?
Banana.
Banana Who?

Knock, Knock.
Who's There?
Orange.
Orange Who?
Orange Ya Glad I Didn't Say Banana