-=- THE OFFICIAL I HATE DIALYSIS.COM JOKE THREAD -=- (Bold type please!)

[willieandwinnie]

$7.00 Sex:

A Florida couple, both well into their 80s, go to a sex therapist's office.
The doctor asks, 'What can I do for you?'
The man says, 'Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?'
The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an  elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees. When the couple finishes, the doctor says, 'There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse.'
He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and h e says good bye.
The next week, the couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.
This happens several weeks in a row.
The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave.
Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, 'I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?'
The man says, 'We're not trying to find out anything.
She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $98.
The Hilton charges $139.
We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare

[okarol]

    MALE VS. FEMALE AT THE ATM MACHINE 
    A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:
    "Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.
    Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.
    After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender."

    *******************************
    MALE PROCEDURE:
    1. Drive up to the cash machine.
    2. Put down your car window.
    3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
    4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
    5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
    6. Put window up.
    7. Drive off.

*******************************
FEMALE PROCEDURE:
Unfortunately, most of this part is the Truth.!!!!

1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet .
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles .
27. Release Parking Brake.

[kitkatz]

Now some of us women are not like that at all. Now where is my purse?

[okarol]

Charter Flight

His request approved, the photographer used a mobile phone to call the local airport to charter a flight. He was told a twin engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.
 
Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger. He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, "Let's go".
 
The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off.
 
Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, "Fly over the
valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the
hillsides."
 
"Why?" asked the pilot.
 
"Because I'm a photographer for Fox Cable News," he responded. "And I need to get some close up shots."
 
The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered,
"So, what you're telling me, is . . you're NOT my flight instructor?"

[willieandwinnie]

The Pharmacist

Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door By his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, It's the
druggist. He Insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. I Had to call multiple times before he would even Answer
the phone. Immediately, the husband drove downtown to Confront the druggist and demand an apology. Before he could
say more than a word or two, The druggist told him, Now, just a minute, listen To my side of it. This
morning the alarm failed to go off, so I Was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out
to The car, just to realize that I locked the house With both house and car keys inside and had to Break a
window to get my keys.Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket.

Later, when I was about three blocks from the Store, I had a flat tire. When I finally got to the store there
was a bunch Of people waiting for me to open up. I got the store Opened and started waiting on these people,
and all The time the darn phone was ringing off the hook.He continued, Then I had to break a roll of
nickels against the Cash register drawer to make change, And they spilled all over the floor. I had to
get Down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels And the phone was still ringing.
When I came up I cracked my head on the open Cash drawer, which made me stagger back against A showcase
with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke. Meanwhile, the phone is still
ringing with no let up, And I finally got back to answer it.

It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use A rectal thermometer.
And believe me mister, as God is my witness, All I did was tell her.

[okarol]

    Sister Mary Katherine entered the Monastery of Silence.

     

    The  Priest said, 'Sister, this is a silent monastery. You are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until directed to do so. '

     

    Sister Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for 5 years before the Priest said to her, 'Sister Mary Katherine, you have been here for 5 years. You may speak two words.'

     
     
    Sister Mary Katherine said, 'Hard bed.'

     
     
    'I'm sorry to hear that,' the Priest said,

    'We will get you a better bed.'

     
     
    After another 5 years, Sister Mary Katherine was summoned by the Priest.  'You may say another two words, Sister Mary Katherine.'

     
     
    'Cold food,' said Sister Mary Katherine, and the Priest assured her that the food would be better in the future. 

     
     
    On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Priest again called Sister Mary Katherine in to his office.  'You may say two words today.'

     
     
    'I quit,' said Sister Mary Katherine.

     
     
    'It's probably best,' said the Priest,

    'You've done nothing but bitch since you got here.' 

[paddbear0000]

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him,
"My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of
money," Mike replies.

"There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart.
Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong
and what to do about it.

It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars . . .
A lot cheaper than a doctor."
So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar
and takes it to Wal-Mart.

He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights
up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and
waits.
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a
printout:

"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm
water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you
for shopping @ Wal-Mart."

That evening, while thinking how amazing this
new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.


He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his
dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for
good measure.

Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the
results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits
the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water
softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with
anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her
into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't
yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your
elbow will never get better!
Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart !

[okarol]

They should have hired a Jewish
butler...




 An elderly Jewish couple in London won twenty
million pounds on the lottery.

They immediately set out to begin a life of luxury.
They bought a magnificent mansion in Knightsbridge
and surrounded themselves with all the material
wealth imaginable.

They decided to hire a butler.  They found the
perfect butler through an agency, very proper and
very British, and brought him back to their home.

The day after his arrival,he was instructed to set
up the dining table for four, as they were inviting
the Cohens to lunch.  The couple then left the house
to do some shopping.

When they returned, they found the table set for
eight.  Perplexed, they asked the butler why it was
set for eight when they had expressly asked him to
set it for four.

The butler replied, "The Cohens telephoned and said
they were bringing the Blintzes and the Knishes."

[willieandwinnie]

Why sentence structure is so important...

The boss had to fire somebody, and he narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack. It was an impossible decision because they were both super workers. Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.

Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin. The boss approached her and said:

'Debra, I've never done this before but I have to lay you or Jack off.'

'Could you jack off ?' she said. 'I feel like shit today!'

[paddbear0000]

 I love cats, but this is hysterical!

Toilet Cleaning Instructions:

1.  Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water  in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe  him  while  you carry him towards the bathroom. 

3.  In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You  may   need to stand on the lid.

4.  The cat will self agitate and make ample suds.  Never  mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat  is   actually  enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet three or four  times.  This  provides a "power-wash" and rinse". 

6.  Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no  people between the bathroom and the front door. 

7.  Stand behind the toilet as far as you can,  and  quickly lift both lids. 

8.  The cat will rocket out of the toilet,  streak  through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself  off.   

 
9.  Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.   


Sincerely, 
The Dog 

[kitkatz]

I could see it.

[paddbear0000]

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasent and say, "Happy birthday!", and possibly have a present for me.

As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "Happy birthday."

I thought...well, that's marriage for you, but the kids will remember. My kids ate breakfast and didn't say a word.

So when I left for the office, I was feeling pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary, Jane, said, "Good morning boss, happy birthday!" It felt a little better thta at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock and then Jane knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your birthday, let's go out to lunch, just you and me."

I said, "Thanks Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!"

We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally go. We dined instead at a little place with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office, Jane said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day...We don't need to go back to the office, do we?"

I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind?"

She said, "Let's go back to my apartment."

After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for a moment. I'll be right back."

"Ok," I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and, after a couple minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake...followed by my wife, kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy Birthday."

And I just sat there...

on the couch...

naked...

[Sluff]

I hate it when that happens. 

[okarol]

 
Two 90-year-old women, Rose and Barb, had been friends all of their lives.
 
When it was clear that Rose was dying, Barb visited her every day. One day Barb said, "Rose, we both loved playing women's softball all our lives, and we played in all through High School.
 
Please do me one favor: when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's women's softball there."
 
Rose looked up at Barb from her deathbed, "Barb, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favor for you."
 
Shortly after that, Rose passed on.
 
At midnight a couple of nights later, Barb was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to her, "Barb, Barb."
 
"Who is it?" asked Barb, sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"
 
"Barb -- it's me, Rose."
 
"You're not Rose. Rose just died."
 
"I'm telling you, it's me, Rose," insisted the voice.
 
"Rose! Where are you?"
 
"In Heaven," replied Rose. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."
 
"Tell me the good news first," said Barb.
 
"The good news," Rose said, "is that there's Softball in Heaven. Better yet, all of our old buddies who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always springtime, and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play softball all we want, and we never get tired."
 
"That's fantastic," said Barb.. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?"

"You're pitching Tuesday."

[paddbear0000]

Car accident

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it’s a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, “Wow, just look at our cars! There’s nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days.”

The man replied, “I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!”

The woman continued, “And look at this, here’s another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn’t break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.”

Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, drinks half the bottle, and extends it back to the woman.

Politely, the woman refuses to accept the bottle.

The man asks, “Aren’t you having any?”

The woman replies, “No. I think I’ll just wait for the police…”

[paddbear0000]

Signs you might have a drinking problem

You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth
Job interfering with your drinking.
Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
You sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.
Two hands and just one mouth… - now that's a problem!
When you can focus better with one eye closed
The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar
Every woman you see has an exact twin.
You keep asking your wife “where are the kids?”, but you don’t really have a wife and you’re talking to the refridgerator.
You fall off the floor.
You discover in the morning liquid cleaning supplies have disappeared.
Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!
Beer: it’s not just for breakfast anymore.
The glass keeps missing your mouth.
Your idea of cutting back is less seltzer.
Having a hard time staying on the side walk - left, right, stumble, fall.
You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol, and Women.
Every night you’re beginning to find your roomate’s cat more attractive.
The bottle’s empty…that’s the problem!
Don’t recognize wife unless seen through bottom of bottle.
You drink to get over a hangover.
Mosquitoes spiral down to the ground in circles after biting you.
The shrubbery’s drunk from frequent watering.
Do you (your name) take this woman…..
Double vision so much the norm, you can’t function without it.
You spend a whole night holding up walls to prevent their collapse.

[okarol]

Son the Veterinarian


      One Sunday, while counting the money in the weekly offering, the pastor of a small church found a pink envelope containing $1000. It happened again the next week. The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw a little old lady put the distinctive pink envelope in the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her "Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated "Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and I give some of it to the church." The pastor replied, "That's wonderful, how much does he send you?" The old lady said, "$10,000 a week." The pastor was amazed. "Your son must be very successful. What does he do for a living?" "He is a veterinarian," she answered. "That's an honorable profession," the pastor said. "Where does he practice?" The old lady said proudly, "In Nevada. He has two cat houses in Las Vegas and one in Reno ."

[paddbear0000]

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she placed an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks the two of them worked hard and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said 'You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels.'

The hired hand readily agreed and went into t own on Saturday night.

He returned around 2:30 am , and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's w idow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her.

'Unbutton my blouse and take it off,' she said.

Trembling, he did as she directed.

'Now take off my boots.' He did as she asked, ever so slowly.

'Now take off my socks.' He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

'Now take off my skirt.' He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

'Now take off my bra.' Again, with trembling hands, did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said: 'If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired!'

[willieandwinnie]

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

'Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday.'

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, 'Sure. I have this,' and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, 'There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral.'

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. 'I mean, what in the world is this?'

(you're gonna love this)

The bank manager looks back at her and says...

'It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan, His old man's a Rolling Stone.'

(You're singing it, aren't you? Yeah, I know you are........)

Never take life too seriously! Come on now, you grinned, I know you did!!!
Have a lovely day

[rose1999]

Yeah I sang it and I'm grinning - it's 7am here and you've sent me off to work with a smile on my face  I love you people 

[paddbear0000]

Beatrice, the church organist, was in her
eighties and had never been married. She was admired
for her sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she
showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited
him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young
minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of
it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water
floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned
with tea and scones, they began to chat.

The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the
bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it
got the better of him and he could no longer resist.

"Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you w ould
tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.

"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was
walking through the park a few months ago and I
found this little package on the ground. The
directions said to place it on the organ, keep it
wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.

Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter".

[okarol]

A Texas Department of Water representative stopped at a ranch and talked with an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for your water allocation."

The old rancher said, "Okay, but don't go in that field over there."

The Water representative said, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me.  See this card?  This card means I am allowed to go WHEREVER I WISH on any agricultural land.  No questions asked or answered. Have I made myself clear?  Do you understand?"

The old rancher nodded politely and went about his chores.
 
Later, the old rancher heard loud screams and saw the Water Rep running for the fence and close behind was the rancher's bull. The bull was gaining on the Water Rep with every step.
 
The Rep was clearly terrified, so the old rancher immediately threw down his tools, ran to the fence and shouted out.....
“Your card!  Show him your card!"

[kidney4traci]

  lmao!!!!











EDITED: Fixed smiley tag error-kitkatz,moderator

[mikey07840]

Good one

[Sluff]

That'll learn him..