-=- THE OFFICIAL I HATE DIALYSIS.COM JOKE THREAD -=- (Bold type please!)

[MyssAnne]

I love it!!! Hoist by his own petard!!!!!

[okarol]

    Three women: one engaged, one married, and one a mistress, chatting about their relationships and decide to amaze their men.... The Plan: that night all three will wear a leather bodice S&M style, stilettos and mask over their eyes .

    After a few days they meet again.....

    The engaged girlfriend said: "The other night, when my boyfriend came back home, he found me in the leather bodice, 4" stilettos and mask. He said, 'You are the woman of my life, I love you, then we made love all night long."

    The mistress stated: "Oh Yes!  The other night we met in his office. I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and a raincoat.  When I opened the raincoat, he didn't say a word.  We just had wild sex all night!"

    The married one then said:  "The other night I sent the kids to stay at my mothers for the night, I got myself ready, leather bodice, super stilettos and mask over my eyes.  My husband came in from work, grabbed the TV controller and a beer, and said, "Hey Batman, what's for dinner?"

[Sluff]

 

[kitkatz]

     Too funny!

[willieandwinnie]

Two English businessmen in London were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store.  As yet, the store wasn't ready to open----- only a few shelves were set up and no merchandise was in sight.
One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some idiot tourist is  going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling."
No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious Irishman walked to the window, had a peek, and in a thick Irish accent, asked "What might ye be sellin' here?"
One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling ass-holes."
Without skipping a beat, the Irishman said, "You're doing very well then-----I see ye  only have  two left!"
Englishmen - God bless them - should not mess with the Irish.

[twirl]

here are the two ass holes left           


     that was

[willieandwinnie]

There was a ragged, old, retired Destroyer Chief who shuffled into a waterfront bar. Stinking of whisky and cigarettes, his hands shook as he took the 'Piano Player Wanted' sign from the window and handed it to the bartender. I'd like to apply for the job,' he said.
 
The barkeep wasn't too sure about this doubtful looking old Squid, but it had been quite a while since he had a piano player and business was falling off. So, the barkeep decided to give him a try.
 
The old Chief staggered his way over to the piano while several patrons snickered. By the time he was into his third bar of music, every voice was silenced.
 
What followed was a rhapsody of sound and music, unlike anyone had heard in the bar before. When he finished there wasn't a dry eye in the place.
 
The bartender took the old Chief a beer and asked him the name of the song he had just played.
 
It's called 'Drop your Skivvies, Baby, We're Gonna Rock Tonight' said the old Chief after he took a long pull from the beer.
 
The bartender and the crowd winced, but the piano player went on with a knee-slapping, hand-clapping bit of ragtime that had the place jumping. After he finished the Chief acknowledged the applause and told the crowd the song was called, 'Big Boobs Make My Anchor Chain Run Out.' He then excused himself as he lurched to the head.
 
When he came out the bartender went over to him and said, 'Look Chief, the job is yours, but do you know your fly is open and your pecker is hanging out?'
 
'Know it?' the old Chief replied, 'Hell, I wrote it!'

[Sluff]

 

[willieandwinnie]

I have 4 extra tickets for the Robbie Knievel event at Braves Stadium this weekend if anybody wants them. 

He's going to try to jump 500 Democrats with a bull dozer.

[thegrammalady]

   just what i needed today, thanks

[thegrammalady]

Choosing a wife
   

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing
among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a
present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the
money.


 The first does a total make-over. She goes to a fancy
beauty salon, gets her hair done, new make-up and buys
 several new outfits, and dresses up very nicely for the
 man. She tells him that she has done this to be more
 attractive for him because she loves him so much.

 The man was impressed.


 The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him
 a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer,
 and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts,
 she tells him that she has spent all the money on him
because she loves him so much


 Again, the man is impressed.



The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns
 several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and
 reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him
 that she wants to save for their future because she loves
him so much.

 Obviously, the man was impressed.

 The man thought for a long time about what each woman had
 done with the money he'd given her.
 Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs.
 Men are like that, you know.


 There is more money being spent on breast implants and
 Viagra today than on Alzheimer' s research. This means that
 by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with
 perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no  recollection of what to do with them.





EDITED: Added bold prompt - Sluff/Admin

[Hawkeye]

There is more money being spent on breast implants and
 Viagra today than on Alzheimer' s research. This means that
 by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with
 perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no  recollection of what to do with them.[/b]

  at least they will have something to play with

[paddbear0000]

The best divorce letter ever!


Dear wife:

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever. I've been a good man to you for 7 years & I have nothing to show for it.
These last 2 weeks have been hell.
Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today & that was the last straw.
Last week, you came home & didn't even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers.
You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps.
You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife. Either you're cheating on me oryou don't love me anymore; whatever! the case, I'm gone.

Your EX-Husband
P.S. don't try to find me. Your SISTER & I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!


Dear Ex-Husband

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter.
It's true you & I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been.
I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining & griping. Too bad that doesn't work.
I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was 'You look just like a girl!' Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say something nice, I didn't
comment.
And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago.
About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, & ; I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning.
After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out.
So when I hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job & bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica But when I got home you were gone.
Everything happens for a reason, I guess.
I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dime from me.

So take care.

Signed,
Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell & Free!

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl.

I hope that's not a problem.

[twirl]

Photo on the Night Stand

After a longnight of making love.

The guy notices a photo of another man,
on the woman's night stand by the bed,
      He begins to worry.
    "Is this your huband?"
      He nervously asks.

             "No, silly."
She replies , snuggling up to him.
   
   "Your boyfriend, then?"
           He continues.
         "No, not at all,"
She says nibbling away at his ear.

"Is it your dad or your brother?"
He inquires, hoping to be reassured.

      "No, no, no!"

"You are so hot when you're jealous!"
         She answers.

"Well, who in the hell is he, then?"
          He demands.

     She whispers in his ear
"That's me before the surgery!"

[willieandwinnie]

BEST LAWYER STORY OF THE YEAR, DECADE AND POSSIBLY THE CENTURY

Charlotte, North Carolina

A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against, among other things,
fire.

Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars, the lawyer filed a claim against the
insurance company.In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost in a series of small fires.'

The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the
normal fashion.

The lawyer sued and WON! (Stay with me.)
Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer
held a policy from the company, in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them
against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable 'fire' and was obligated to pay the claim.

Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid
$15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars lost in the 'fires'.

NOW FOR THE BEST PART.. After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of
ARSON!!! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally
burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine. This true story won First Place in last year's Criminal
Lawyers Award Contest.

ONLY IN AMERICA NO WONDER THIRD WORLD
COUNTRIES THINK WE'RE NUTS!

[willieandwinnie]

A WOMAN'S WEEK AT THE GYM
If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine.

Dear Diary,

For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since being a high school cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Brad, who identified himself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.

My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
 
MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Brad waiting for me. He is something of a Greek god - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo-Hoo!! Brad gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring! Brad was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week-!!

TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Brad made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Brad's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT-!! It's a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.

Brad was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. His voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Brad put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Brad told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other shit too.
 
THURSDAY :
Brad was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes. Brad took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. He sent some skinny bitch to find me.

Then, as punishment, he put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.
 
FRIDAY :
I hate that Brad more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, little #@*. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it.

Brad wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the damn barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher.

Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

SATURDAY :
Brad left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing him made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.
 
SUNDAY :
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my daughter (the little shit) will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds.
 

[thegrammalady]

           

[willieandwinnie]

Don't You just love 'little Johnny'?
 
A teacher in Lafayette, Tennessee asked her 6th grade class how many of them were Obama fans.

Not really knowing what an Obama fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except  Little Johnny.

The teacher asked Little Johnny why he decided to be different...again.

Little Johnny said, "Because I'm not an Obama fan"

The teacher asked, "Why aren't you an Obama fan?"

Johnny said, "Because I'm a Republican"

The teacher asked him why he's a Republican.!

Little Johnny answered, "Well, my Mom's a Republican and my Dad's a Republican, so I'm a Republican"

Annoyed by this answer, the teacher asked, "If your mom was a moron and your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?"

With a big smile, Little Johnny replied, "THAT would make me an Obama fan!"

[twirl]

W&W both jokes   
a good cook with a brilliant sense of humor-----how lucky is Len


Edited: Fixed smiley icon - okarol/admin

[paddbear0000]

Observations on Lethality

1. The Japanese eat very little fat, and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans, British or Australians;


2. The French eat lots of fat, and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans, British or Australians;


3. The Japanese drink very little red wine, and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans, British or Australians;


4. The French (and Italians) drink excessive amounts of red wine, and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans, British or Australians.




Conclusion: Eat and drink whatever you like, and in any quantities; it’s speaking English that kills you.

[twirl]

good one

[willieandwinnie]

No Speak English

A Russian woman married a Canadian gentleman and they lived happily ever after in Toronto . However, the poor lady was not very proficient
in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.

One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, clucked
like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message, and gave her the chicken legs.

Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to say it, and so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse
to show the butcher her breasts. The butcher understood again, and gave her some chicken breasts.

On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...

(P lease scroll down)

.

.



What were you thinking? Hellooooooo, her husband speaks English!

Now get back to the forumss.

I don't know about you sometimes!

[twirl]

 

[twirl]

I posted this joke I heard on the radio this morning but I am going to repeat it here

a man walks into a convenience store and asks for $5.00 worth of gas, the clerk farts and hands him a receipt

[Romona]