-=- THE OFFICIAL I HATE DIALYSIS.COM JOKE THREAD -=- (Bold type please!)

[Katonsdad]

After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage
> loaded into
>  the limo, and He doesn't travel light, the
> driver notices
> that the Pope is still standing on the curb
>'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the driver,
> > > >
> 'Would you please take your seat so we can leave?'

>'Well, to tell you the truth,' says the Pope,
> 'they never
> let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really
> like to drive today.'
> 'I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd
> lose my job!
>  And what if something should happen?' protests
> the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that
> morning.
 'There might be something extra in it for
> you,' says
>  the Pope.
Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as
 the Pope
 climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly
> regrets
 his decision when, after exiting the airport,
> the Pontiff
 floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.

'Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!' pleads
> the worried
> driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the
> metal
>  until they hear sirens. 'Oh, dear God, I'm gonna
> lose my license,' moans the driver.
 The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window
> as the cop
 approaches, but the cop takes one look at him,
 goes back
to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

 'I need to talk to the Chief,' he says to the
 dispatcher.
 The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells
 him that
 he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.
 'So bust him,' says the Chief.
 'I don't think we want to do that - he's
> really important,' said the cop.
 The Chief exclaimed, 'All the more reason!'
'No, I mean really important,' said the cop.
 The Chief then asked, 'Who have you got there,
 the Mayor?'
> > > >
 Cop: 'Bigger.'
 Chief: 'Governor?'

 Cop: 'Bigger.'
 'Well,' said the Chief, 'Who is it?'

 Cop: 'I think it's God!'
Chief: 'What makes you think it's God?'

> > > > Cop: 'He's got the  Pope as a
> chauffeur!'

[Sluff]

ah ha ha ha  thats a good one Kdad.

[willieandwinnie]

With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 70-year- old woman was able to give birth to a baby.
 
When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, her relatives came to visit.
 
May we see the new baby?" one asked.

Not yet," said the mother.  "I'll make coffee and we can visit for awhile first."

Thirty minutes had passed, and another relative asked, "May we see the new baby now?"

"No, not yet," said the mother.  After another few minutes had elapsed, they asked again, "May we see the baby now?"

"No, not yet," replied the mother.

Growing very impatient, they asked, "Well, when can we see the baby?"

"WHEN HE CRIES!" she told them.

"WHEN HE CRIES?" they demanded.  "Why do we have to wait until he cries?"

"BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM.  OKAY??"
 

[willieandwinnie]

I have never read nor heard a more truthful analogy than this one.  THIS IS A NONPARTISAN JOKE THAT CAN BE ENJOYED BY BOTH PARTIES! NOT ONLY THAT, IT IS POLITICALLY CORRECT!!While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance."Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem.. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.""No problem, just let me in," says the man.. "Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.""Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the senator."I'm sorry, but we have our rules."And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, Shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting Rich at the expense of the people.They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises....The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him."Now it's time to visit heaven." So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns. "Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven.. Now choose your eternity."The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell."So St Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. "I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"The devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted."

[okarol]

WITH A FIVE YEAR OLD, WHAT YOU SEE IS WHAT YOU GET! READ ON...

 

"A Frickin' Elephant!"

 

Jake is 5 and learning to read.

 

He points at a picture in a zoo book and says,"Look Mama! It's a frickin' Elephant!"

 

Mama takes a deep breath ... "What did you call it?"

 

"It's a frickin' Elephant, Mama! It says so on the picture!"  and so it does ..

 

"A f r i c a n Elephant"

 

-- Hooked on phonics!!!   Ain't it wonderful?

[okarol]

Four Worms and a lesson~

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into  a container of cigarette smoke
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil. 

At  the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol - Dead.

The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead.

Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead.

Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.

So the Minister asked the congregation -

"What can you learn from this demonstration?"

Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,

"As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"

That pretty much ended the service.   

[Joe Paul]

Thats good Karol 

[okarol]

Dear Tide:
I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it all of my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best.   Now that I am in my fifties I find it even better!  In fact, about a month ago, spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to belittle me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with his blood on my new white blouse! I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative, and to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out!   

In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my attorney called and said that I was no longer considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband. 

What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having a great product. 

Well, Gotta Go, Have To Write To The Hefty Bag People!

[okarol]

    When Grandma Goes To Court
     
     
    Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

     
     In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly, woman, to the stand.
He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me.  You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs.  You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher.  Yes, I know you.'
     
     The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'
     
     She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem.  He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state.  Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife.  Yes, I know him.'
     
     The defense attorney nearly died.
     
     The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,
    'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.'

[willieandwinnie]

HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLD AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE.

George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.

George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked 'Is someone in your house?' and he said 'no'. Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available. George said, 'Okay,' hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.

'Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot them.' Then he hung up.

Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response Unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George: 'I thought you said that you'd shot them!'
George said, 'I thought you said there was nobody available!'

(True Story) I LOVE IT - Don't mess with old people!!

[okarol]

Man's best friend...
                                 
                                 
 A dog is truly a man's best friend.

 If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.

                                 
                                 
              Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour.
                                 
              When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you!?

 

[KT0930]

One night a man and a woman are both at a bar knocking back a few beers.
They start talking and come to realize that they're both doctors.

After about an hour, the man says to the woman, "Hey, how about if we sleep
together tonight? No strings attached. It'll just be one night of fun."

The woman doctor agrees to it. So they go back to her place and he goes in
the bedroom. She goes in the bathroom and starts scrubbing up like she's
about to go into the operating room. She scrubs for a good 4 minutes.

Finally she goes in the bedroom and they have sex for an hour or so.

Afterward, the man says to the woman, "You're a surgeon, aren't you?"

"Yes, how did you know?"

"I could tell by the way you scrubbed up before we started."

"Oh, that makes sense," says the woman. "You're an anesthesiologist, aren't
you?"

"Yeah," says the man, a bit surprised. "How did you know?"

"Because I didn't feel a thing."

This one's especially funny for me, since my brother's father-in-law is a surgeon and his mother-in-law is an anesthesiologist!! 

[willieandwinnie]

A group of kindergartners were trying very hard to become Accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced Was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk! 'You need to

Use 'Big People' words,' she was always reminding Them. She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend.

'I went to visit my Nana.'

'No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use Big People' words!' She then asked Mitchell what he had done.

'I took a ride on a choo-choo.'

She said, 'No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember To use 'Big People' words.' She then asked little Alec what he Had done.

'I read a book,' he replied.

'That's WONDERFUL!' the teacher said. 'What book did you read?'


[I love this]

Alec thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great Pride, and said, "Winnie the SHIT"

[willieandwinnie]

Baked Beans

One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love.

When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme
sacrifice and gave up beans.

Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way
home from work.

Since I lived in the countryside I called my husband and told him
that I would be late because I had to walk home.

On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odor of baked beans
was more than I could stand.

With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill
effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before
I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans.

All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas.

Upon my arrival, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed
delightedly: "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight."

He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table.

I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the
telephone rang.

He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned
and went to answer the call.

The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the
pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my husband was out of
the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go.

It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck
running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill.

I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me
vigorously.

Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The
stink was worse than cooked cabbage.

Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other
room, I went on like this for another few minutes.

The pleasure was indescribable.

When eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my
freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin,
placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and
pleased with myself.

My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband
returned, apologizing for taking so long.

He asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured
him I had not.

At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests
seated around the table chorused: "Happy Birthday!"

I fainted!!!!! !!!!!!!!!

[charee]

 

[kitkatz]

Oh my! 

[KT0930]

Hillary and her driver were cruising along a country road one evening when
an old, decrepit cow loomed in front of the car. The driver tried to avoid
it but couldn't - the aged bovine was struck and killed. Hillary told her
driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had
happened. She stayed in the car making phone calls to lobbyists.

About an hour later the driver staggered back to the car with his clothes in
disarray. He was holding a half-empty bottle of expensive wine in one hand,
a rare, huge Cuban cigar in the other, and was smiling happily, smeared with
lipstick.

"What happened to you," asked Hillary?

"Well," the driver replied, "the farmer gave me the cigar, his wife gave me
the wine, and their beautiful twin daughters made passionate love to me!"

"My God, what did you tell them?" asked Hillary.

The driver replied, "I just stepped inside the door and said, 'I'm Hillary
Clinton's driver and I've just killed the old cow.' "

"The rest happened so fast I couldn't stop it."

[Sluff]

 

[paddbear0000]

Letters Not Even Dear Abby Could Answer

Dear Abby,
A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is
A middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker
In her mid-twenties. These two women go everywhere together
And I've never seen a man go into or leave their apartment.
Do you think they could be Lebanese?

Dear Abby,
What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Fowl Language and
Violence On my VCR?

Dear Abby,
I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much, I'm not even
Sure the baby I'm carrying is his.

Dear Abby,
I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been
On the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I
Think my boy friend should share half the cost, but I don't
Know him well enough to discuss money with him.

Dear Abby,
I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and
When confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and
Said it would never happen again.

Dear Abby,
Our son writes that he is taking judo. Why would a boy who
Was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?

Dear Abby,
I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now how
Do I get out?

Dear Abby,
My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $150.00
An hour every week for two and a half years. He must be
Crazy.

Dear Abby,
I was married to Phil for three months and I didn't know he
Drank until one night he came home sober.

Dear Abby,
My mother is mean and short tempered.
I think she is going through mental pause.

Dear Abby,
You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in
Sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all
Interest in sex and he is a doctor.
Now what do I do?

 

[cherpep]

The Secret To Long Lasting Marriage!!!

Recently, Mr. & Mrs. Smith were celebrating their golden wedding anniversary on the
beaches in Montego Bay, Jamaica.

Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. People would say, 'What a peaceful & loving couple.'

The local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.

Mr. Smith replied: 'Well, it dates back to our honeymoon in America,' explained the man. 'We visited the Grand Canyon in Arizona and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon, by horse.
 
We hadn't gone too far when my wife's horse stumbled and she almost fell off. My wife looked down at the horse and quietly said, 'That's once.' 'We proceeded a little further and her horse stumbled again. Again my wife quietly said, 'That's twice.' We hadn't gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled for the third time. My wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead.

I SHOUTED at her, 'What's wrong with you woman! Why did you shoot the poor animal like that, are you *%&#@$*%&#@$> crazy?!?'

She looked at ME, and quietly said,'That's once.'

And from that moment.....we have lived happily ever after.
 




EDITED: Added bold prompt - Sluff/Admin

[MyssAnne]

ooooooo!!!!!!!!   

  There are SOME people that it would be nice to do the count to.....

[Sluff]

 

[KT0930]

My mother-in-law has seen that joke somewhere, because every once in awhile, I'll hear her say to her husband, "that's once". Lucky for him she starts over every time! 

[jbeany]

IRISH VIAGRA
 
An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice in reviving her husband's libido.  "What about trying Viagra?" asked the doctor?
 
"Not a chance," she said. "He won't even take an aspirin." "Not a problem," replied the doctor. "Give him an 'Irish Viagra.' It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it.? Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went."
 
It wasn't a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress. The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith,   bejaysus and begorrah! Twas horrid!? Just terrible, doctor!" "Really, what happened?" asked the doctor.
 
"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely!?? With one swoop of his arm, he sent me cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop!?? It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!"
 
"Why so terrible?" asked the doctor, "Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?"
 
"Twas the best sex I've had in 25 years!? But sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!"

[Sluff]