-=- THE OFFICIAL I HATE DIALYSIS.COM JOKE THREAD -=- (Bold type please!)

[kitkatz]

That one was hilarious.

[Katonsdad]

WHY YOU NEVER QUESTION A DRUNK...


I was shopping at the local supermarket where I
selected:

A half-gallon of 2% milk

A carton of eggs

A quart of orange juice

A head of lettuce

A 2 lb. can of coffee

A 1 lb. package of bacon


As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to
check out, an obviously drunk man was standing behind
me watching as I placed the items in front of
the cashier.  While the cashier was ringing up the
purchases, the drunk calmly stated, 'You must be
single.'


I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was
intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since I was
indeed single.  I looked at the six items
on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about
my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to
my marital status.


Curiosity getting the better of me, I said: 'Well, you
know what, you're absolutely right.  But how on earth
did you know that?'



The drunk replied, ''Cause you're ugly."

[goofynina]

ROFLMFFAO    that caught me totally off guard,  excellent Katonsdad 

[Katonsdad]

A Canadian , Osama Bin Ladin and a Texan are walking in the desert .
They find a magic lamp and a Genie pops out and told them Men they each
have 1 wish totaling to 3 wishes .

The Canadian a farm asks that the land in Canada is always fertile . Poof the Genia says
"It is Done , All the Canadian land is Fertile and will always produce .

Bin Laden says "I want a fence around all of my lands , The Genie says "it is done "

The Texan says , "Tell me about this fence ." The Genie explains that the fence is
5000 feet high and it surrounds Iraq , Iran , Pakistan and Afghanistan , No one can get
in our out ."

The Texan leans back and with a grins says

"Fill it with water"

[okarol]

You Don't Have To Own A Cat To Appreciate This One!

We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house. The cat we put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird. My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, 'He's just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother.' A few minutes later, I get into the cab. 'Sorry I took so long,' I said, as we drove away. 'That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!' The cab driver hit a parked car.

[goofynina]

  L M F F A O      Too damn funny, (made me choke) lol, keep 'em coming girlfriend 

[kitkatz]

Tonto and the Lone Ranger has gone into a bar to have a drink.  They were just finishing their first drink when in walks a cowboy.
 He says: Who owns the white horse out there?
The Lone Ranger says "I do, what's wrong with him?"
"Well he is all hot and bothered and looks bad."
So The Lone Ranger and Tonto go out to check the horse out. Sure enough he is looking hot and bothered. The Lone Ranger gives him some water. Then he looks and Tonto and says.
"Okay Tonto I want you to cool this horse off by running around him as fast as you can. The wind from your running ought to cool him off."
So Tonto starts running and the Lone Ranger goes back into the bar.
 A few minutes later another cowboy walks in and says "Who owns the white horse out there?"
The Lone Ranger says: "What's wrong with him now?"
The cowboy answers: "Nothing but you left your Injun running!"

[highlite36]

 The doctor called Mrs. Douglas over to his office and gave her the news about her husband. 

"I'm sorry but your husband has a very serious  illness.  In fact, if it went untreated, it would be fatal.  There are two things that you must do in order to save his life.  The first, is that you must serve him three home cooked meals every single day for the rest of his life.  The second thing that you must do is make love to him every single day without fail." 

"I'll break the news myself to him," said Mrs. Douglas as she picked up her jacket and left the doctor's office.
Stepping into the waiting room she annouced, "Guess what, Douglas?  You're gonna die!"

[willieandwinnie]

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.

When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with whom to share his fortune.

One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.

Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."

Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at estate planning than men.

[willieandwinnie]

An old prospector walked his tired old mule into a western town one day.  He'd been out in the desert for about six months  without a drop of whiskey. He walked up to the first saloon he came to and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. He stood there brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger walked out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other. The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, 'Hey, old man, have you ever danced?'

The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, 'No, I never did dance. I just never wanted to.'   
 
A crowd had gathered by then and the gunslinger said, 'Well, you old fool, you're gonna' dance now,' and started shooting at the old man's feet.  The old prospector was hopping around and everybody was laughing. 

When the gunslinger fired his last bullet, he holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon. The old man reached up on the mule, drew his shotgun, and pulled both hammers back, making a double clicking sound.
 
The gunslinger heard the sound and everything got quiet.  The crowd watched as the gunslinger slowly turned around looking down both barrels of the shotgun.

The old man asked, 'Did you ever kiss a mule square on the ass?'
 
The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, 'No. But I've always wanted to.'

The lessons from this story are: 

1. Don't waste ammunition.
2. Don't mess with old guys.

[Mimi]

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

 
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, 'I'm sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me.'

The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.


The driver replied, 'No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab................... I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years.'

Mimi






EDITED: Merged Threads and added bold prompt - Sluff/ Admin

[bolta72]

 

[ODAT]

Wasn't sure if this should be in funny pics or jokes, but all's I do know is it it true! Hopefully Sluff doesn't have to resize it for me!

[Katonsdad]

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being
> discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one
> elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a
> suitcase at his feet, who insisted he Didn't need my help to leave the
> hospital.
> After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him
> to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting
> him.
> "I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom
> changing out of her hospital gown."

[Joe Paul]

A bridge engineer was given a task of building a bridge, other engineers said would be next to impossible to erect, a bridge from Florida to Hawaii. He was a praying man, so he asked God to help him.God said I am not a bridge builder, ask for help on something else. The man then asked God, tell me when a woman is happy, when she is sad, just what goes on inside a womans head. God then asked him, do you want that bridge to be 2 lanes or 4?

Another man, after working all week, left on Friday with his paycheck in hand, to go on a fishing trip with his friends. He arrived back home, late on Sunday night. His Wife asked," How would you like it if you couldn't see me for 2-3 days?" the fellow said "that would be just fine". Monday goes by, then Tuesday, then late Wednesday the swelling went down enough in his face to see his wife.

[highlite36]

Don't know if this joke has been told already...but it cracked me up when I heard it!!!

The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is, I can cure your headaches. The bad news is, that it will require castration.
You have a very rare condition,
which causes your testicles to press on your spine,
and the pressure creates one hell of a headache.


The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed.
He wondered if he had anything left to
live for but he had no choice but to go under the knife.


When he left the hospital,
he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years,
but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.


As he walked down the street,
he realized that he felt like a different person.
He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a men's clothing store and thought,
"That's what I need... a new suit."
He entered the shop and told the salesman,
"I'd like a new suit."

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said,
"Let's see. size 44 long." Joe laughed,
"That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said.

Joe tried on the suit, it fit perfectly.
As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked,
"How about a new shirt?"


Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."
The salesman eyed Joe and said,
"Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck."
Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years."

Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.
Joe walked comfortably around the shop,
and the salesman asked,
"How about some new underwear?"


Joe thought for a moment and said, "Sure."
The salesman said, "Let's see.. size 36."
Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I got you,
I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old."


The salesman shook his head,
"You can't wear a size 34.
A size 34 would press your testicles
up against the base of your spine,
and give you one hell of a headache."

New suit - $400
New shirt - $36
New underwear - $6
Second Opinion - PRICELESS
 
 

[Katonsdad]

> MY LIVING WILL
>
> Last night my wife and I were sitting in the den
> and I said to her, "I never
> want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on
> some machine and fluids from a
> bottle to keep me alive. ?That would be no quality
> of life at all, If that ever
> happens, just pull the plug."
>
> So she got up, unplugged the computer, and threw out
> my beer.
>
> She's such a pain

[Katonsdad]

> Senior Driver
>
> An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...
> Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
>
> Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
>
> Older Woman: Oh, I see.
> Officer: Can I see your license please?
>
> Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have
> one.
>
> Officer: Don't have one?
>
> Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
>
>
> Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration
> papers please.
>
> Older Woman: I can't do that.
> Officer: Why not?
>
> Older Woman: I stole this car.
>
> Officer: Stole it?
>
> Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the
> owner.
>
> Officer: You what?
>
> Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in
> the trunk if you want to see
>
> The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away
> to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5
> police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly
> approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
>
> Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle
> please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.
> Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
>
> Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have
> stolen this car and murdered the owner.
>
> Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
>
> Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of
> your car, please.
>
> The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an
> empty trunk.
>
> Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
>
> Older Woman: Yes , here are the registration papers.
>
> The officer is quite stunned.
>
> Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not
> have a driving license.
>
> The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a
> clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
> The officer examines the license. He looks quite
> puzzled.
>
> Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told
> me you didn't have a license, that you stole this
> car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
>
> Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding,
> too.
>
>
>
>
>
> Don't Mess With Old Ladies

[isurvived]

Did you hear about the first confirmed death from Viagra?


A guy ate a dozen and his wife died.

EDITED: Added bold tag - okarol/moderator

[isurvived]

Three guys were sitting at a bar talking. One was a doctor, one was a lawyer and one was a biker. After a sip of his martini, the doctor said, "You know, tomorrow is my anniversary. I got my wife a diamond ring and a new Mercedes. I figure that if she doesn't like the diamond ring, she will at least like the Mercedes, and she will know that I love her."

After finishing his scotch, the lawyer replied, "Well, on my last anniversary, I got my wife a string of pearls and a trip to the Bahamas. I figured if she didn't like the pearls, she would at least like the trip, and she would know that I love her."

The biker took a big swig of beer and said, "Yeah, well for my anniversary, I got my old lady a t-shirt and a vibrator. I figured if she didn't like the t-shirt, she could go screw herself."


EDITED: Added bold tag - okarol/moderator

[isurvived]

The Redneck Sexual I.Q. Test
1) A condom is a large apartment complex
True or False
2) Spread Eagle is an extinct bird
True or False
3) Vagina is a medical term used to describe a Heart Attack
True or False
4) A menstrual cycle has three wheels
True or False
5) A G-string is part of a fiddle
True or False
6) Anus is a Latin term for yearly
True or False
7) Testicles are found on an Octopus
True or False
8 ) Asphalt describes rectal problems
True or False
9) Masterbate is used to catch large fish
True or False
10) Fetus is a character on Gunsmoke
True or False
11) An umbilical cord is part of a parachute
True or False
12) A pubic hair is a wild rabbit
True or False
13) An orgasm is a person who accompanies a church choir
True or False
14) A diaphragm is a drawing in geometry
True or False
15) An erection is when Japanese people vote
True or False
16) A lesbian is a person from the Middle East
True or False
17) Pornography is the business of making records
True or False
18) Genitals are people of non-Jewish origin
True or False



EDITED: Added bold tag - okarol/moderator

[Romona]

 
What are the answers to the true or false quiz?
Just kidding!

[Sluff]

"REMINDER: Please remember that this site is read by people of all ages, so consider that when posting jokes here. Thank you."

We have the Premium Members area for more Risque jokes.

Sluff/ Admin

[isurvived]

A skeleton goes into a bar. He says, "Give me a beer and a mop."


Edited: Added bold tag - okarol/moderator

[Sluff]