-=- THE OFFICIAL I HATE DIALYSIS.COM JOKE THREAD -=- (Bold type please!)

[Sluff]

Christmas Divorce

A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York on Christmas Eve and says,"I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.  We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her."

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this,"

She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "they're coming for Christmas and paying their own way." 
 

After 45 years he finally smartened up.   

[Katonsdad]

>>
>
>> >> >>>
>> >> >>> "FRIDAYS, I FISH!!!!"
>> >> >>>
>> >> >>>
>> >> >>> A husband and wife went in for counseling after 15 years of
>> >> >>> marriage.
>> >> >>> When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate,
>> >> >>> painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 15
>> >> >>> years
>> >> >>> they had been married.
>> >> >>>
>> >> >>> She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness,
>> >> >>> loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list
> of
>> >> >>> un-met needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.
>> >> >>>
>> >> >>>
>> >> >>> Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of
>> >> >>> time,
>> >> >>> the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the
>> >> >>> wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately.
>> >> >>>
>> >> >>> The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The
>> >> >>> therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife
>> >> >>> needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?"
>> >> >>>
>> >> >>> The husband thought for a moment and replied,.. "Well, I can drop
>> >> >>> her
>> >> >>> off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish."

[paddbear0000]

Gotta Love the  Old folks

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes.  We
decided to grab a bite at the food court.

I noticed he was watching  a teenager sitting next to him. The
teenager had spiked hair in all different  colors: green, red, orange,
and blue. My dad kept staring at him. The  teenager would look and
find him staring every time.

When the  teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, " What's the
matter old man,  never done anything wild in your life?"

Knowing my Dad, I quickly  swallowed my food so that I would not choke
on his response; knowing he  would have a good one. And in classic
style he did not bat an eye in his  response.

"Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just  wondering if
you were my son."




EDITED: Added Bold prompt - Sluff/ Admin

[Katonsdad]

>
>          Calmness in Our Lives
>
> I am passing this on to you because it definitely
> works and we could all
> use a little more calmness in our lives. By
> following simple advice I
> heard on the Dr. Phil show, you too can find inner
> peace. Dr. Phil
> proclaimed 'The way to achieve inner peace is to
> finish all the things
> you have started and never finished.' So, I looked
> around my house to
> see all the things I started and hadn't finished,
> and before leaving the
> house this morning, I finished off 23 Bud Lights, a
> bottle of Absolute,
> a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac
> prescription, the
> rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos and a box of
> chocolates. You have
> no idea how freaking good I feel. Please pass this
> on to those you feel
> might be in need of inner peace.


EDITED: Added Bold prompt - Sluff/ Admin

[willieandwinnie]

POWER OUTAGE DURING A MAMMOGRAM

I actually kept my mammogram appointment. I was met with, "Hi! I'm Belinda!" This perky clipboard carrier smiled from ear to ear, tilted her head to one side and crooned, "All I need you to do is step into this room right here, strip to the waist, then slip on this gown. Everything clear?"

I'm thinking, "Belinda, try decaf. This ain't rocket science."

Belinda skipped away to prepare the chamber of horrors. With the right side finished, Belinda flipped me (literally) to the left and said, "Hmmmm. Can you stand on your tippy toes and lean in a tad so we can get everything?'

"Fine," I answered. I was freezing, bruised, and out of air, so why not use the remaining circulation in my legs and neck and finish me off? My body was in a holding pattern that defied gravity (with my other boob wedged between those two 4 inch pieces of square glass) when we heard, then felt a zap! Complete darkness and the power went off!

"Oh, maintenance is working. Bet they hit a snag." Belinda headed for the door.

"Excuse me! You're not leaving me in this vise alone are you?" I shouted.

Belinda kept going and said, "Oh, you fussy puppy... The door's wide open so you'll have the emergency hall lights. I'll be right back."

Before I could shout "NOOOO!" she disappeared. And that's exactly how Bubba and Earl, maintenance men extraordinaire, found me, half-naked and part of me dangling from the Jaws of Life and the other part smashed between glass!

After exchanging polite "Hi, how's it going?" type greetings, Bubba (or possibly Earl) asked, to my utter disbelief, if I knew the power was off.

Trying to disguise my hysteria, I replied with as much calm as possible "Uh, yes, yes I did thanks."!

"You bet, take care" Bubba replied and waved good-bye as though I'd been standing in the line at the grocery store.

Two hours later, Belinda breezes in wearing a sheepish grin and making no attempt to suppress her amusement, she said, "Oh I am sooo sorry! The power came back on, and I totally forgot about you! And silly me, I went to lunch. Are we upset?"

And that, Your Honor, is exactly how her head ended up between the clamps........ 

[okarol]

While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant and resumed their trip. When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table and she didn't miss them until they had been driving about twenty minutes

By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around -- in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.

All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man.

He fussed and complained and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided her -- the more agitated he became.  He just wouldn't let up one minute. To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant. As the woman got out of the car and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her, "While you're in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card."

This coming week is National Mental Health Care week.

You can do your part by remembering to contact at least one unstable person to show you care.

Well....my job is done. Your turn!

[Joe Paul]

An old man, Mr. Goldstein, was living the last of his life in a nursing home.
One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed. Nurse Nancy asked
if there was anything wrong.


"Yes, Nurse Nancy ," said Mr. Goldstein, "My Private Part died today, and
I am very sad."
&
Knowing her patients were forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she
replied, "Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr . Goldstein, please accept my condolences."

The following day, Mr. Goldstein was walking down the hall with his
Private Part hanging out of his pajamas, when he met Nurse Nancy. "Mr.
Goldstein," she said, "You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that.
Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas."

"But, Nurse Nancy," replied Mr. Goldstein, "I told you yesterday that my
Private Part died."

"Yes, you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?"


"Well", he replied, "today's the viewing."

[goofynina]

  I know i can always count on this thread for a good laugh  , great jokes my friends, keep 'em coming 

[goofynina]

  Blonde in Church

  An Alabama preacher said to his congregation, "Someone in this
congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. 
This is
  a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. 
I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the
 party
who
  did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian
family."

  No one moved. The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face
me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in
your
  heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."
Again all was quiet.

  Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop
traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice
quivered
  as she spoke, "Reverend, there has been a terrible misunderstanding.
 
I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a
couple
  of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."

  The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the
 congregation
roared.

[boxman55]

The husband thought for a moment and replied,.. "Well, I can drop
>> >> >>> her
>> >> >>> off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish."
Even honesty can get you in trouble too funny...Boxman

[Katonsdad]

Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community.
The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma
complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities
turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack,
the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain
Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours.

Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man
who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show
business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not
considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked
schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times he still was a crusty old
man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, two children, John Dough and
Jane Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his
elderly father, Pop Tart.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

[goofynina]

  Damn, now i'm hungry 

[Sluff]

 

[Romona]

 
Too Funny!

[Katonsdad]

>     To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door -
> nose height.
>
> Dear Dogs and Cats,
>
> The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain
> your food. The
> other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please
> note, placing a paw
> print in the middle of my plate and food does not
> stake a claim for it
> becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that
> aesthetically pleasing
> in the slightest.
>
> The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a
> racetrack
> Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping
> me doesn't help
> because I fall faster than you can run.
>
> I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed.
> I am very sorry
> about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on
> the couch to
> ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl
> up in a ball when
> they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep
> perpendicular to each other
> stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also
> know that
> sticking tails straight out and having tongues
> hanging out the other
> end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.
>
> For the last time, there is not a secret exit from
> the bathroom. If by
> some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the
> door shut, it is
> not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the
> knob or get your
> paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I
> must exit through
> the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the
> bathroom for
> years -- canine or feline attendance is not
> required.
>
> The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other
> dog or cat's
> butt. I cannot stress this enough!
>
> To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the
> following message on
> our front door:
>
> To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain
> About Our Pets:
>
> 1. They live here. You don't.
> 2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes,
> stay off the
> furniture. (That's why they call it 'fur'niture.)
> 3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most
> people.
> 4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an
> adopted son/daughter
> who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't
> speak clearly.
>
> Remember: In many ways, dogs and cats are better
> than kids because they:
>
> 1. Eat less
> 2. Don't ask for money all the time
> 3 Are easier to train
> 4. Normally come when called
> 5. Never ask to drive the car
> 6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends
> 7. Don't smoke or drink
> 8. Don't have to buy the latest fashions
> 9. Don't want to wear your clothes
> 10 Don't need a 'gazillion' dollars for college.
>
>
> And finally,
> 11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their
> children.

[MyssAnne]

Funny!!!!!!   

But oh so true.... I think of my cats as toddlers, forever. Moooom!!! I'm hungry!!! Moooom!!!! I'm thirsty!! Moooom!!!  I need some cuddles!!
Mooom!!! Whatcha got there??? Is it good??? Let me look!!!

And...thud thud thud as they tear through the house at FULL speed!!!  I can't tell you how many times I come home to find
objects mysteriously lying on the floor.

[goofynina]

That was too cute    I dont know why but as i read that I kept picturing Kitkatz telling that to her pets  , lol, guess i am just 

[glitter]

and I have a cat that thinks I cant have a toilet break without her too!!

[Sluff]

I love that I printed it out. 

[Romona]

Perfect timing as we have added an addition to our family.
His name is Buster. A very nice mix of chocolate lab and retriever.
We lost our dog that we had for about 14 years a few years ago and we weren't ready for a new dog until now.

[goofynina]

Congratulations on the new addition to your family Ramona, cant wait to see pics   

[kitkatz]

Now, how did you know I read that one to the cats?

[Katonsdad]

I am so sorry about all the jokes . But I believe my life is based on Humor.
With all that I have gone thru someones has got to think I am worthy of making
everyone laugh .   Katonsdad


Late again," the third-grade teacher said to little Sammy.
"It ain't my fault," Miss Crabtree. "You can blame this on my Daddy. The
reason I'm three hours late is Daddy sleeps naked!"
Now Miss Crabtree had taught grammar school for thirty-some-odd
years. So she asked little Sammy what he meant by that, despite her
mounting fears.
Full of grins and mischief, and in the flower of his youth, little Sammy
and trouble were old friends, but he always told the truth.
"You see, Miss Crabtree, at the ranch we got this here lowdown coyote.
The last few nights he done et six hens and killed Ma's best milk goat.
And last night, when Daddy heard a noise out in the chicken pen, he
grabbed his gun and said to Ma, "That coyote's back again, I'm a gonna
Git him!'"
'Stay back', he yelled to all us kids!
He was naked as a jaybird, no boots, no pants, no shirt!
To the hen house he crawled, just like an Injun on the snoop. Then he
stuck that double barrel through the window of the coop. As he stared
into the darkness, with coyotes on his mind, our old hound dog Zeke had
done woke up and come a sneakin' up behind daddy. Then we all looked on
plumb helpless when old Zeke stuck that cold nose in Daddy's crack!
"Miss Crabtree, we been cleanin' chickens since three o'clock this
mornin!"

[Joe Paul]

 

[Sluff]

  That one is funny.