-=- THE OFFICIAL I HATE DIALYSIS.COM JOKE THREAD -=- (Bold type please!)

[okarol]

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK

1. Innovative

2. Preliminary

3. Proliferation

4. Cinnamon

 

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:


1. Specificity

2. Anti-constitutionalistically

3. Passive-aggressive disorder

4. Transubstantiate


 

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

 
1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.


2. Nope, no more booze for me!
 

3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.

 
4. Hey, take my keys, I am in no condition to drive.


5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?


6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.


7. I'm not interested in fighting you.
 

8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool!


9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this parking lot or on the side of the road.


10. I must be going home now as I have to work in the morning.

[goofynina]

   I cant even say the top 8 sober 

[Hawkeye]

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:


1. Specificity

2. Anti-constitutionalistically

3. Passive-aggressive disorder

4. Transubstantiate

Yeah these are hard enough to say sober, would hate to try drunk.

[paddbear0000]

  I love it Okarol!! I just e-mailed that to everyone I know who likes to drink! 

[glitter]

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him.... a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

[tamara]

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him.... a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

  I like that 

[Sluff]

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him.... a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

Who thinks of these things? 

[okarol]

Define "Old" ---



First, you tell your friend that you are having an affair.



Then your friend asks you.......... "Are you having it catered"??



That, my friend, is the definition of OLD!!!!!

[ODAT]

WHAT HAPPENS IN MEXICO - STAYS IN MEXICO

Three women go down to Mexico one night, get drunk, and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before.  The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair, and is asked if she has any last words. She says, "I am from Grace University, and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the  behalf of the innocent."

They throw the switch and nothing happens. They all immediately prostrate themselves; beg for her forgiveness, and release her.
The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words, "I am from the Creighton School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent."  They throw the  switch and again, nothing happens.  Again, they all immediately  prostrate themselves; beg for her forgiveness, and release her. 

The last one, a blond, is strapped in and says, "Well, I'm from the University of Alabama, Huntsville and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell you right now, you ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't plug this thing in."

Added BOLD - Epoman

Thank you God for a blonde joke that doesn't make them look stupid!

[Sluff]

WHAT HAPPENS IN MEXICO - STAYS IN MEXICO

Three women go down to Mexico one night, get drunk, and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before.  The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair, and is asked if she has any last words. She says, "I am from Grace University, and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the  behalf of the innocent."

They throw the switch and nothing happens. They all immediately prostrate themselves; beg for her forgiveness, and release her.
The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words, "I am from the Creighton School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent."  They throw the  switch and again, nothing happens.  Again, they all immediately  prostrate themselves; beg for her forgiveness, and release her. 

The last one, a blond, is strapped in and says, "Well, I'm from the University of Alabama, Huntsville and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell you right now, you ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't plug this thing in."

Added BOLD - Epoman

Thank you God for a blonde joke that doesn't make them look stupid!

And you don't think it was stupid to tell them it wasn't plugged in?

Perception my dear..

[ODAT]

WHAT HAPPENS IN MEXICO - STAYS IN MEXICO

Thank you God for a blonde joke that doesn't make them look stupid!

And you don't think it was stupid to tell them it wasn't plugged in?

Perception my dear..

 Ya know, sleep in my situation would be good. I am letting too much get to me and can't think straight! thanks Sluff lol   

[ODAT]

Sounds like this one might have been around a while.

Ok, I apologize... please move to pics thread. Now I know it's serious and I need sleep. Tomorrow I'm supposed to do a team building exercise with a department I work with - CURLING! Yikes!

[Joe Paul]

 

[Sluff]

ODAT you're a trip..

[okarol]

THE WORLD'S SHORTEST FAIRY TALE

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl "Will you
marry me?" The girl said, "NO!" And the girl lived
happily ever after and went shopping, dancing,
camping, drank martinis, always had a clean house,
never had to cook, did whatever the hell she wanted,
never argued, didn't get fat, traveled more, had
many lovers, didn't save money, and had all the hot
water to herself. She went to the theater, never
watched sports, never wore friggin' lacy lingerie that
went up her ass, had high self esteem, never cried
or yelled, felt and looked fabulous in sweat pants
and was pleasant all the time.

The End

[paddbear0000]

  Karol, I love it!

[okarol]

old one but funny

A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.
He marched straight up to the counter and said, " Hey. You
know what , I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter said, " Your timing is excellent.

We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur
and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his
Mercedes, and he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided.

You'll be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips and
you will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll be provided a two-bedroom
apartment above the garage. The salary is $200,000 a year."

The guy, wide-eyed, said, " You're bullshittin' me! "

The social worker said, " Yeah, well . . you started it."!

[okarol]

A WOMAN'S POEM
 
 
He didn't like the casserole
 
And he didn't like my cake.
 
He said my biscuits were too hard...
 
Not like his mother used to make.
 
I didn't perk the coffee right
 
He didn't like the stew,
 
I didn't mend his socks
 
The way his mother used to do.
 
I pondered for an answer
 
I was looking for a clue.
 
Then I turned around and smacked the sh*t out of him...
 
Like his mother used to do.

[okarol]

Summary of my year on the computer:

I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the email about rat poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing.
Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.
I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000.00 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special email program.
I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.
I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
I no longer can buy gasoline without taking a man along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.
I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put, "Under God" on their cans.
I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.
And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face... Disfiguring me for life.
I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise..
I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.
I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore and Uzbekistan
I no longer have any sneakers - but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.
I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.
Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.
Thank you too for all the endless advice Andy Rooney has given us. I can live a better life now because he's told us how to fix everything.
And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.
Oh, and don't forget this one either!
I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!
If you don't send this email to at least 47,000 people in the next 47 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:47  p.m. This afternoon and the fleas from 47 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's Cousin's beautician.
Have a wonderful day... AND a scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain and sexual activity read their email with their hand on the mouse.
Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

[kitkatz]

Oh my!  Be careful!

[willieandwinnie]

A blonde and her husband are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbor's dog.

The dog has been in the backyard barking for hours and hours. The blonde jumps up out of bed and says, "I've had enough of this"

She goes downstairs. The blonde finally comes back up to bed and her husband says, "The dog is still barking, what have you been doing?"

The blonde says, "I've put the dog in our backyard, let's see how they like it." 



EDITED: Added Bold Prompt - Sluff/ Admin

[Sluff]

 

[goofynina]

Them poor blondes,  gotta luv 'em though 

[Aldente]

Another blond joke

A blond went to her hairdresser to get her hair cut. 

The blond was listening to her iPod and the earphones got in the way.

The hairdresser asked the blond to please remove the earphones but she refused so she worked around them for awhile.

The hairdresser asked the blond a second time to remove the earphones so she could properly trim her hair.  Again the blond refused.

Finally the hairdresser was so annoyed that she pulled the earphones out of the blonds’ ears.  The blond died within several moments.

The police were befuddled as they investigated the unusual death.  One officer finally placed the earphone near his ear and heard, “Breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe out…”

[willieandwinnie]

Christmas Divorce

A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York on Christmas Eve and says,"I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.  We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her."

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this,"

She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "they're coming for Christmas and paying their own way."