-=- THE OFFICIAL I HATE DIALYSIS.COM JOKE THREAD -=- (Bold type please!)

[Hawkeye]

Lateral Thinking
Three New Zealanders and three Aussies are travelling by train to a cricket match at the World Cup in England.

At the station, the three Aussies each buy a ticket and watch as the three New Zealanders buy just one ticket between them.

"How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asks one of the Aussies. "Watch and learn," answers one of the New Zealanders.

They all board the train. The Aussies take their respective seats but all three New Zealanders cram into a toilet and close the door behind them.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket please."

The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The Aussies see this and agree it was quite a clever idea. So after the game, they decide to copy the New Zealanders on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that).

When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the New Zealanders don't buy a ticket at all!!

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed Aussie.

"Watch and learn," answers a New Zealander. When they board the train the three Aussies cram into a toilet and soon after the three New Zealanders cram into another nearby. The train departs.

Shortly afterwards, one of the New Zealanders leaves the toilet and walks over to the toilet where the Aussies are hiding.

He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket please."[/b]

[Hawkeye]

Four Fathers
Four expectant fathers were in a Minneapolis hospital waiting room, while their wives were in labor.

The nurse tells the first man, "Congratulations! You're the father of twins!"

"What a coincidence! I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team!"

The nurse returns and tells the second man, "You are the father of triplets!"

"Wow, what a coincidence! I work for 3M Corporation!"

The nurse tells the third man that his wife has given birth to quadruplets.

"Another coincidence! I work for Four Seasons Hotel!"

At this point, the fourth guy faints. When he comes to, the others ask what's wrong.

"What's wrong? I work for Seven-Up!"[/b]

[Hawkeye]

Dangerous Parrot
A woman's dishwasher had stopped working, so she called a repairman.

He couldn't accommodate her with an evening appointment, and since she had to go to work the next day, she told him "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you the check. By the way, don't worry about my Rottweiler. He wont bother you. But, whatever you do, do not under any circumstances talk to my parrot!"

When the repairman arrived at her apartment the next day, he discovered the biggest and meanest looking Rottweiler he had ever seen. Like she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet, watching the repairman go about his business. However, the whole time he was there, the parrot drove him nuts with its incessant squawking and talking.

Finally the repairman couldn't stand the parrot's talking any longer and he told the bird to be quiet.

The parrot replied, "Get him, Brutus!"[/b]

[Hawkeye]

The Farmers
A farmer from Texas goes to Australia on vacation. There he meets an Australian farmer and gets talking. The Australian shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice that size!"

The Australian is annoyed at the Texan but doesn't say anything. They walk around the farm a little, and the Australian farmer shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately replies, "We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows."

The conversation has died down when the Texan sees some kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks the Aussie, "What are those?"

The Australian replies with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas?"[/b]

[Hawkeye]

The Grizzly Bear
An American and his Czechoslovakian friend were out walking in the forest. They rounded a corner and right in front of them stood a giant grizzly bear. Before they could make a move, the bear jumped up and ate the European.

The American turned and ran. He pulled out his cell phone and called the local forest ranger. In no time, an experienced ranger was upon the scene, and they headed back to find the man eating bear.

They neared the site where the man was eaten. They came upon two bears, a male and a female. The ranger asked the American which bear ate his friend. The American replied that it was the male, the bigger of the two.

With that, the fearless ranger pulled out his hunting knife, and with one fell swoop, slashed open the belly of the female, and out popped the man's friend.

"Never trust someone when they say the Czech is in the male."[/b]

[goofynina]

  BRAVO, encore, ENCORE!!!

[LightLizard]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

PERFECT BREASTS


A guy walking down the street sees a woman with perfect breasts. He
says to her, "Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100
dollars?



"Are you nuts? !!" she replies, and keeps walking away. He turns
around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does.



"Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000 dollars?" he asks again.



"Listen you; I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?" So the guy runs
around the next block and faces her again. "Would you let me bite your
breasts just once for $10,000 dollars?"



She thinks about it for a while and says, "Hmmm, $10,000 dollars, eh?
Ok, just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there."



So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal
the most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as he sees them, he
grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing
them, licking them, burying his face in them, but not biting them.



The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, "Well? Are you gonna bite
them or not?"



"Nah", he replies. "Costs too much..."

 


EDITED: Fixed bold prompt - okarol/moderator

[LightLizard]

Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing.

He concludes by saying: Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."

"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"

His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands.

Finally, the President looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"

 


EDITED: Fixed bold prompt - okarol/moderator

[LightLizard]

A Scotsman moves to Canada and attends his first baseball game. The first batter approaches the batters' box, takes a few swings and then hits a double. Everyone is on their feet screaming, "Run!!!"

The next batter hits a single.

The Scotsman listens as the crowd again cheers, "RUN!! RUN!!"

The Scotsman is enjoying the game and begins screaming with the fans.

The fifth batter comes up and four balls go by. The Umpire calls: "Walk."

The batter starts his slow trot to first base. The Scot stands up and screams, "Run ye lazy [bleep] rrrun!"

The people around him begin laughing. Embarrassed, the Scot sits back down.

A friendly fan notes the man's embarrassment, leans over and explains, "He can't run -- he has four balls."

The Scot stands up and screams: "Walk with pride, Laddie!"
 


EDITED: Fixed bold prompt - okarol/moderator

[goofynina]

  Lovin'em LightLizard, keep'em coming my friend 

[LightLizard]

Dave met Stacey in a nightclub.

They enjoyed each other's company very much and at the end of the evening Stacey invited Dave to her place, where they quickly got involved in a very passionate and energetic session in bed together.

Finally, tired and satisfied, they both lay back in the bed and snuggled up close to each other.

After a short while, Stacey began tenderly stroking Dave's manhood.

Surprised but appreciative, Dave comments, "Surely you can't be ready for more already?"

Stacey replies, "No, but every now and then I get a bit nostalgic, and miss the days when I had mine."
 

[LightLizard]

New exercise routine.
If you're over 40, you might want to take it easy at
first, then do it faster as you become more proficient.

It may be too strenuous for some.

Always consult your doctor before starting any exercise program!

SCROLL DOWN...






























NOW SCROLL UP.. .

That's enough for the first day. Great job.

Have a Beer. And some Geritol.

 

[LightLizard]

Man goes to doctor.....

Man : Doctor, I'm not well. I think I'm a moth.

Doctor : It's not me you want. It's the psychiatrist in the next street you should be visiting.

Man : I was on my way to him....But then I saw your light was on.

 

[Sluff]

Funny jokes LL.

[okarol]

A lady walks into a bar and sees a really good-looking guy sitting at the bar by himself. She goes over and asks him what he is drinking.

"Magic Beer," he says.

She thinks he's a little crazy, so she walks around the bar, but after realizing that there is no one else worth talking to, goes back to the man sitting at the bar and says, "That isn't really Magic Beer, is it?"

"Yes, I'll show you."

He takes a drink of the beer, jumps out the window, flies around the building three times and comes back in the window.

The lady can't believe it: "I bet you can't do that again."

He takes another drink of beer, jumps out the window, flies around the building three times, and comes back in the window.

She is so amazed that she says she wants a Magic Beer,

so the guy says to the bartender, "Give her one of what I'm having."

She gets her drink, takes a gulp of the beer, jumps out the window, plummets 30 stories, breaks every bone in her body, and dies.

The bartender looks up at the guy and says, "You know, Superman, you're a real asshole when you're drunk."

       

[goofynina]

  Your killin' me Smalls 

[okarol]

    Sometimes I like these heartwarming stories, but this one is incredible.



    In 1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University.

    On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Mbembe approached it very carefully.  He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.

    As carefully and as gently as he could, Mbembe worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.

    Mbembe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.  Mbembe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

    Twenty years later, Mbembe was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Mbembe and his son Tapu were standing.

    The large bull elephant stared at Mbembe, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

    Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mbembe couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant.

    Mbembe summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Mbembe' s legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly .

    Probably wasn't the same elephant.

[goofynina]

  OKAROL!!! That is baaaad, lol (and sad too of course)

[tamara]

 

Just caught up on some of these jokes 

Good Laugh   

[okarol]

Why Men Do Not Write Advice Columns


Q. Dear Walter:
 
    I hope you can help me here.  The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a few hundred yards down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was parading in front of the wardrobe mirror dressed in my underwear and high-heel shoes, and he was wearing my make up.
 
    I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years. When I confronted him, he tried to make out that he had dressed in my lingerie because he couldn't find his own underwear.  But when I asked him about the make up, he broke down and admitted that he'd been wearing my clothes for six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him.
 
    He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him anymore. Can you please help?

 
Sincerely,

Mrs. Sheila Usk
 

A. Dear Sheila:
 
    A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine.  Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line.  If it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold.  If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber.

I hope this helps.

Walter

[okarol]

A Norwegian was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on  a diet. 'I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day,
and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks.

The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds.

When the Norwegian returned, he shocked the Doctor by having lost nearly 25 POUNDS!
 
'Why, that's amazing!' the Doctor said, 'You followed my instructions?'

The Norwegian nodded and said... 'I'll tell you though,
I taut I was gonna drop dead dat 3rd day.'

'From hunger, you mean?'

'No, yust from all dat friggin skippin' !'

[Sluff]

The birthday gift

Germ was in trouble. He had forgotten his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!"

The next morning Germ got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, and brought the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Germ has been missing since Friday. Please pray for him.

[Joe Paul]

 
Dusty Underwear
   
    One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to  his
wife 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast.  Maybe
it would take a few inches off of your butt!!'
   
    His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't
let such a comment go unrewarded.
   
    The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his
drawer.  'What the Heck is this??', he said to himself as a little
'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out.
   
    'Honey ,' he hollered into the bathroom, 'why did you put talcum
powder in my underwear?'
   
    She replied with a snicker:....
   

     


    'It's not talcum powder.....

   
   
    It's 'Miracle Grow'.'
__________________________________________________

[tamara]

 

[glitter]

>I don't care who you are...skinny or fat...this is funny!!!
>
> I have 2 large dogs, and was buying a large bag of Purina at
> Wal-Mart and was in line to check out. The woman behind me asked
> if I had a dog? Duh?
>
> On impulse, I told her no, I was starting The Purina Diet again
> Although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the
> hospital the last time. But I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an
> intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my
> orifices and IVs in both arms.
>
> I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that
> the way it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and
> simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is
> nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.
>
> I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was
> now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy who was standing
> behind her.
>
> Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care
> because the dog food poisoned me?
>
> I told her no, I'd been sitting in the street
> licking my butt and a car hit me.
>
> I thought the guy standing behind her was going to
> need help as he staggered to the door laughing
>