-=- THE OFFICIAL I HATE DIALYSIS.COM JOKE THREAD -=- (Bold type please!)

[goofynina]

  Gotta love them rednecks 

lmao @ the one with the scones, that poor man 60 years huh? 

[okarol]

POSSIBLY THE BEST BLOND JOKE EVER
 
A blond walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some rectum deodorant.
 
The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman that, they don't sell rectum deodorant and never have.
 
Unfazed, the blond assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis and would like some more.
 
"I'm sorry," says the pharmacist, "We don't have any."
 
"But, I always buy it here," says the blond.
 
"Do you have the container that it came in?" asks the pharmacist.
 
"Yes," said the blond, "I'll go home and get it."
 
She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant." 

Annoyed, the blond snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container .......
 
"TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM".


 

[goofynina]

OH them poor blondes,  OMG, i wonder how a blonde redneck survives?? 

[angela515]

Damn, and I keep getting blonde highlights, :p

[tubes]

OMG...that was wrong...So wrong...   good one karol

[Sluff]

What road does a crazy person take?










psyco path.

[tubes]

What road does a crazy person take?












psyco path.

so would that be the road u are taking to vegas? ? ?




EDITED: Fixed quote tag error - Sluff/ Admin

[Sluff]

What road does a crazy person take?












psyco path.

so would that be the road u are taking to vegas? ? ?




EDITED: Fixed quote tag error - Sluff/ Admin

Some days that is the road I take each time I leave the house. 

[kitkatz]

Funny, I have not met you on the psycho path road yet? Maybe in Vegas?

[okarol]

Checked it out. Snopes has said the following is true.

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This just proves that we have become too dependent on our computers.

Are you male or female? To find out the answer, look down...

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Look down, not scroll down, dummy.




 

[okarol]

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He would have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy, if the Pope won, they would have to leave.

The Jewish people met and picked an aged but wise Rabbi Moshe, to represent them in the debate. However, as Moshe spoke no Italian and the Pope spoke no Yiddish, they all agreed that it would be a "silent" debate.

On the chosen day, the Pope and Rabbi Moshe sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Rabbi Moshe looked back and raised one finger.

Next the Pope waved his finger around his head. Rabbi Moshe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope then brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine. Rabbi Moshe pulled out an apple. With that, the Pope stood up and declared that he was beaten, that Rabbi Moshe was too clever and that the Jews could stay.

Later, the Cardinals met with the Pope, asking what had happened. The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there is still only one God common to both our beliefs. Then, I waved my finger to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin. He had me beaten and I could not continue."

Meanwhile the Jewish community were gathered around Rabbi Moshe. "How did you win the debate?" they asked.  "I haven't a clue," said Moshe. "First he said to me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I said to him, 'up yours!' Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews and I said to him, we're staying
right here."

"And then what," asked a woman.

"Who knows?" said Moshe, "He took out his lunch so I took out mine."

[Hawkeye]

Beethoven
A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears some music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source. He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads "Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827". Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward!

Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him. By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backward.

Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar. When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward. The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th.

By the next day the word has spread and a crowd has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward. Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group.

Someone in the group asks him if he has an explanation for the music.

"Don't you get it?" the caretaker says incredulously. "He's decomposing."[/b]

[Hawkeye]

Memory's Going
An eighty year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to make sure nothing was wrong with them. When they arrived at the doctor's office, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory.

After checking the couple out, the doctor told them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down, making notes to help them remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and left.

Later that night while watching TV, the old man got up from his chair and his wife asked, "Where are you going?"

He replied, "To the kitchen."

She asked, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"

"Sure."

Then his wife asked him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?"

"No, I can remember that."

"Well, I also would like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down cause I know you'll forget that," his wife said.

"I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."

She replied, "Well, I also would like whipped cream on top. I know you will forget that. You had better write it down."

With irritation in his voice, he said, "I don't need to write that down, I can remember that." He went into the kitchen.

After about 20 minutes, he returned from the kitchen and handed her a plate of bacon and eggs.

She stared at the plate for a moment and said, "You forgot my toast."[/b]

[Hawkeye]

Three Students
Three aspiring student psychiatrists from various colleges were attending their first class on emotional extremes. "Just to establish some parameters," said the professor to the student from the University of Houston, "What is the opposite of joy?"

"Sadness," replied the student.

"And the opposite of depression?" the professor asked of the young lady from Rice.

"Elation," said she.

"And you sir," he said to the young man from Texas, "How about the opposite of woe?"

The Aggie replied, "Sir, I believe that would be giddy-up."[/b]

[Hawkeye]

Elementary My Dear
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night and went to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up and tell me what you see."

Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?"

Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.

"Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Why, what does it tell you?"

Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot. Somebody has stolen our tent."[/b]

[Hawkeye]

Dog Cafe
A man is walking his dog in a park when he meets another man, also walking his dog. They say hello and start to talk about their dogs. One has a chihuahua and the other a doberman.

They decide to rest for coffee and they walk into a local cafe. Upon seeing a 'no animals allowed' sign, the man with the doberman says "Don't worry, put on these dark glasses. We'll pretend these are our guide dogs".

So the men do this and go into the cafe. When the waiter comes over, he says to the man with the doberman "I'm sorry sir, but we do not allow animals in here. You'll have to take that dog outside."

"But this is my guide dog," says the man.

"A doberman! A doberman isn't a guide dog," says the waiter.

"Actually, a doberman is particularly suited to being a guide dog nowadays. They provide lots of security and they are very well mannered."

"Oh, alright then," says the waiter, and then he notices the other dog. "Excuse me sir, but you can't have that dog in here," he says to the other man.

"Oh yes I can, this is my guide dog" says the man.

"But that dog is a chihuahua! A chihuahua isn't a guide dog!" says the waiter.

The man exclaims "what, they gave me a chihuahua?!"[/b]

[goofynina]

    Good ones Hawkeye,  i love the one with the memory loss, ohhhh how i can relate   

[goofynina]

Two  elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning.
Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, '"Mabel,
do you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?" Mabel answered,
"I have a suppository in my  ear?"  She pulled it out and stared at it.
Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing.  Now I think I 
know where to find my hearing aid."

[goofynina]

When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in
the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea. No sooner were the
papers delivered when a friend of the family phoned and complained
bitterly, "You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea."
Replied the widow, "I nursed him night and day so of course I know he
died of diarrhea, but  I thought it would be better for posterity to
remember him as a great lover rather than the big shit he always was."

[goofynina]

An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were
standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up
and washed the old woman overboard. They  searched for days and
couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with
the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something.
Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It
read:  "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom
of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached  to her butt
was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000. Please advise." The
old man faxed back: "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap."

[goofynina]

When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park
bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was  wrong.
She said, "I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me
every morning and then gets up and makes me  pancakes, sausage, fresh
fruit and freshly ground coffee."
I said, "Well, then why are you crying?" She said, "He makes me
homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to
me for half the afternoon.
I said, "Well, why are you crying?" She said, "For dinner he makes me a
gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to
me until 2:00 a.m." I said,  "Well, why in the world would you be crying?"
She said, "I can't remember where I live!"

[goofynina]

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they
had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities
had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day they
were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get
mad at me....I know we've been friends for a long time.....but I just can't
think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it.
Please tell me what your name is." Her  friend glared at her. For at least
three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How
soon do you need to know?"

[okarol]

hehehehe I must be getting old, these made me laff
 

[okarol]

A Jewish grandma and her grandson are at the beach. He's playing in the water, she is standing on the shore not wanting to get her feet wet, when all of a sudden, a huge wave appears from nowhere and crashes directly onto the spot where the boy is wading. The water recedes and the boy is no longer there ..he was swept away. The grandma holds her hands to the sky, screams and cries: Lord, my GOD, how could you? Haven't I been a wonderful grandmother?  Haven't I been a wonderful mother? Haven't I kept a kosher home?  Haven't I given to charity? Haven't I lit candles every Friday night? Haven't I tried my very best to live a life that you would be proud of?
 
A voice booms from the sky, "All right already!" A moment later another huge wave appears out of nowhere and crashes on the beach. As the water recedes, the boy is standing there.  He is smiling and splashing around as if nothing had ever happened. The voice booms again. "I have returned your grandson. Are you satisfied?"
 
She responds, "He had a hat."

[Hawkeye]

25 Things Cat Lovers Know
Here is a list of 25 things that cat-lovers know, but won't admit.

- An aquarium is just interactive television for cats.

- Anything on the ground is a cat toy. Anything not there yet, will be.

- Dogs do what you tell them to do. Cats take a message and get back to you.

- Buy a dog a toy and it will play with it for ever. Buy a cat a present and it will play with the wrapper for 10 minutes.

- A cat's motto is no matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it.

- A cat bites the hand that won't feed it fast enough.

- Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many ailments, but I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia.

- Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.

- Cats aren't clean, they're just covered with cat spit.

- Cats don't hunt seals. They would if they knew what they were and where to find them. But they don't, so that's all right.

- Cats instinctively know the exact moment their owners will wake up. Then they wake them 10 minutes sooner.

- Cats know what we feel. They don't care, but they know.

- Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask for what you want.

- Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.

- Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God.

- I had to get rid of my wife. The cat was allergic.

- I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The wisdom of cats is infinitely superior.

- In a cat's eye, all things belong to cats.

- On the Internet, nobody knows you're a cat.

- One cat just leads to another.

- People that hate cats will come back as mice in their next life.

- Some people say that cats are sneaky, evil, and cruel. It's all true, and they have many other fine qualities as well.

- There are many intelligent species in the universe. They are all owned by cats.

- When I wash the cat, it takes me hours to get the hair off my tongue.

- You can always tell a cat, but you can't tell him much.[/b]