-=- THE OFFICIAL I HATE DIALYSIS.COM JOKE THREAD -=- (Bold type please!)

[glitter]

 


HEALTHQUESTION &ANSWER SESSION

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true? 

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... Don't waste them on exercise . Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
 


Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.



Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!



Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.



Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!



Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: You're not listening....Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?



Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.



Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable.  It's the best feel-good food around!!



Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.



Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape! !



Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:
"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming, "WOO HOO, What a Ride!"

__._,_.___

[okarol]

Dear Wife:

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. I've been a good man to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw.  Last week, you came home and didn't even notice that I had gotten a new hair cut, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new pair of silk  boxers. You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't want sex anymore or anything. Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore, whatever the case is, I'm gone.

Your Ex-husband

PS Don't try to find me. Your SISTER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!
---------------------------------
Dear Ex-husband ?? -

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you  and I have been married for seven years, although a good man is a far cry  from what you've been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining and griping. Too bad that doesn't work.  I did notice when you got a hair cut last week, the first thing that came to  mind was "You look just like a girl!" but my mother raised me not to say  anything if you can't say anything nice.  And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with My sister  because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. I turned away from you when you had those new silk boxers on because the price tag was still on them. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning .. and your silk boxers were $49.99. After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica .. But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that with your letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So take care.

Signed
Rich As Hell and Free!

PS I don't know if I ever told you this but Carla, my sister, was born Carl. I hope that's not a problem.

[angela515]

  Karol

[glitter]

    I like that one!!!

[okarol]

In 1923, Who Was:

1. President of the largest steel company?

2. President of the largest gas company?

3. President of the New York Stock Exchange?

4. Greatest wheat speculator?

5. President of the Bank of International Settlement?

6. Great Bear of Wall Street?



These men were considered some of the worlds most successful of their days.

Now, 80 years later, the history book asks us if we know what ultimately became of them.

The Answers:

1. The president of the largest steel company.
Charles Schwab, died a pauper.

2. The president of the largest gas company,
Edward Hopson, went insane.

3. The president of the NYSE,
Richard Whitney, was released from prison to die at home

4. The greatest wheat speculator,
Arthur Cooger, died abroad, penniless.

5. The president
of the Bank of International Settlement,
shot himself.

6. The Great Bear of Wall Street,
Cosabee Livermore, also committed suicide.

However:
in that same year, 1923, the PGA Champion
and the winner of
the most important golf tournament,
the US Open, was
Gene Sarazen.
What became of him?!


He played golf until he was 92,
died in 1999 at the age of 95.
He was financially secure
at the time of his death.

The Moral:

Screw work.
Play golf.

[okarol]

  Chuck Norris facts.....

    * The air around Chuck Norris is always a balmy 78 degrees.
    * When Chuck Norris wants an egg, he cracks open a chicken.
    *  If Chuck Norris were a calendar, every month would be named Chucktober, and every day he'd kick your ass.
    * Chuck Norris brushes his teeth with a mixture of iron shavings, industrial paint remover, and wood-grain alcohol.
    * Chuck Norris wears a live rattlesnake as a condom.
    * The Bible was originally titled "Chuck Norris and Friends"
    * Chuck Norris does not own a house. He walks into random houses and people move. 
    * One day Chuck Norris walked down the street with a massive erection. There were no survivors. 
    * Chuck Norris uses a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris. 
    * Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants. 
    * Sticks and stones may break your bones, but Chuck Norris’ glare will liquefy your kidneys. 
    * Human cloning is outlawed because if Chuck Norris were cloned, then it would be possible for a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick to meet another chuck Norris roundhouse kick. Physicists theorize that this contact would end the universe. 
    * Chuck Norris was once in a knife fight, and the knife lost.
    * Chuck Norris likes his coffee half and half: half coffee grounds, half wood-grain alcohol.
    * Chuck Norris uses Tabasco sauce instead of Visine.

[goofynina]

   That was funny, but, Chuck Norris needs to thank his lucky stars that Bruce Lee is no longer alive   

[okarol]

A United States Marine was attending some college courses between assignments. He had completed missions in Iraq and Afghanistan. One of the courses had a professor who was an avowed atheist and a member of the ACLU.

One day the professor shocked the class when he came in. He looked to the ceiling and flatly stated, "God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you exactly 15 minutes."

The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop.

Ten minutes went by and the professor proclaimed, "Here I am God. I'm still waiting."

It got down to the last couple of minutes when the Marine got out of his chair, went up to the professor and cold-cocked him, knocking him off  the platform. The professor was out cold.

The Marine went back to his seat and sat there, silently. The other students were shocked and stunned and sat there looking on in silence.

The professor eventually came to, noticeably shaken, looked at the Marine and asked, "What the hell is the matter with you? Why did you do that?"

The Marine calmly replied, "God was too busy today protecting America's soldiers who are protecting your right to say stupid shit and act like an asshole.  So, He sent me."

[okarol]

    Some people are like a Slinky..... not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.     

[okarol]

"My husband complains that I never listen to him ...or something like that..."

[okarol]

    HIGH SCHOOL REUNION

     My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken Lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.� My wife asked, do you know her?

    "Yes," I sighed. "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."

    "My God!" said my wife. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

     So, you see, there really are two ways to look at everything.         

[okarol]

Old one, but still funny...



A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said,


"Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."


"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."


"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."


"Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."


"Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"


"We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight.


My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine, really."


"What about that eye patch?"


"Oh, one day we were at sea, and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up and one of them shit in my eye."


"You're kidding," said the bartender, "You couldn't lose an eye just from bird shit ?!?"


"It was my first day with the hook."

[goofynina]

    HIGH SCHOOL REUNION

     My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken Lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.� My wife asked, do you know her?

    "Yes," I sighed. "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."

    "My God!" said my wife. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

     So, you see, there really are two ways to look at everything.         

  Keep 'em coming girlfriend, 

[Sluff]

HOW TO GIVE A CAT A PILL:

1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand.As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's fore arm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door on to neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges.Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot.Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw t-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
13. Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and fore arm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
15. Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL:

1. Wrap it in bacon.
2. Toss it in the air.

[Hawkeye]

What Women Want in a Man

What women want in a man at age 22:

1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover

What women want in a man at age 32:

1. Nice looking (preferably with hair)
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week

What women want in a man at age 42:

1. Not too ugly (bald head is fine)
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends

What women want in a man at age 52:

1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting
5. Doesn't re-tell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends

What women want in a man at age 62:

1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it's the weekend

What women want in a man at age 72:

1. Breathing
2. Doesn't miss the toilet

Now ladies, is this true?

[Hawkeye]

Speeding Ticket

A driver is pulled over by a policeman. The police man approaches the driver's door.

"Is there a problem Officer?"

The policeman says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your license please?"

The driver responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."

"You don't have one?"

The man responds, "I lost it four times for drink driving."

The policeman is shocked. "I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?"

"I'm sorry, I can't do that."

The policeman says, "Why not?"

"I stole this car."

The officer says, "Stole it?"

The man says, "Yes, and I killed the owner."

At this point the officer is getting irate. "You what!?"

"She's in the boot if you want to see."

The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

The senior officer says "Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!"

The man steps out of his vehicle. "Is there a problem sir?"

"One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."

"Murdered the owner?"

The officer responds, "Yes, could you please open the boot of your car please?"

The man opens the boot, revealing nothing but an empty boot.

The officer says, "Is this your car sir?"

The man says "Yes," and hands over the registration papers.

The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license."

The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled. "Thank you sir, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, stole this car, and murdered the owner."

The man replies, "I bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!"

[Hawkeye]

Speeding Ticket 2

A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on an interstate road for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80mph, he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind him.

"There ain't no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself, and opened her up further.

The needle hit 90, 100 110 and finally 120 with the lights still behind him.

"What on earth am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car.

"I've had a tough shift and this is my last pull over. I don't feel like more paperwork so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before you can go!"

"Last week my wife ran off with a cop," the man said, "and I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"

"Have a nice night," said the officer.

[Hawkeye]

Insanity
How To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity!

At lunchtime, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.

Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

Insist that your email address is: Xena_Warrior_Princess@companyname.com or Elvis_the_King@companyname.com

Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "IN."

Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.

Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

In the memo field of all your checks, write 'for sexual favors.'

Reply to everything someone says with, "That's what you think."

Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophet Jimmy."

Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level lights up the entire work area. Insist to others that you like it that way.

Don't use any punctuation.

As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.

Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."

Sing along at the opera.

Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.

Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after your boss does. This is especially effective if your boss is of the opposite gender.

Send email to the rest of the company to tell them what you're doing. For example, "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom, in stall 3."

Put mosquito netting around your cubicle. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.

Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.

Call 911 and ask if 911 is for emergencies.

Call the psychic hotline and don't say anything.

Have your coworkers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard.

When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I Won! I Won! 3rd time this week!"

When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot yelling, "Run for your lives, they're loose!"

Tell your boss, "It's not the voices in my head that bother me, it's the voices in your head that do."

Tell your children over dinner, "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."

Every time you see a broom yell, "Honey, your mother is here!"

[glitter]

those were great!!

[Hawkeye]

True Blonde

A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.

"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."

She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams and so it goes on, everywhere she touches makes her scream.

The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette, are you?"

She says, "No, I'm really a blonde."

"I thought so," he says. "Your finger is broken."

[Hawkeye]

The Gorgeous Woman

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant, and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy you dessert to make it up to you."

They enjoy a wonderful dessert together, and afterwards, the woman invites him to the theater followed by drinks. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place and stay for breakfast the next morning.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed! Everything has been incredible! "You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"

"No," she replies, "you just happened to catch my eye."

  That was just too cheesy of a punchline not to post that joke.  So stupid you have to laugh at it.

[Hawkeye]

Shy Guy

A very shy guy goes into a pub on Valentine's Day night and sees a beautiful woman sitting alone at the bar.

After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I brought you a drink?"

She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!"

Everyone in the pub is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table totally red faced.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm really sorry if I embarrassed you just then. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

The man responds, at the top of his lungs, "No I will not pay $200!"

[Sluff]

Shy Guy

A very shy guy goes into a pub on Valentine's Day night and sees a beautiful woman sitting alone at the bar.

After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I brought you a drink?"

She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!"

Everyone in the pub is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table totally red faced.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm really sorry if I embarrassed you just then. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

The man responds, at the top of his lungs, "No I will not pay $200!"

  

[okarol]

    1.  You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ...  the finance
 committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier
 because none of the members knows how to play one.

       2.  You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ...  people ask,
 when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were
 bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em.

       3.  You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ...  when the
 pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering,"
 five guys and two women stand up.

       4.  You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ...  opening day
 of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.

       5.  You Know You're in a Redneck Church if...  a member of
 the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because
 "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of" (Love it!)

       6.  You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ...  the choir is
 known as the "OK Chorale".

       7.  You Know You're in a Redneck Church if …  in a congregation
  of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory.

       8.  You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ...  people think
 "rapture" is what you get when you lift something too heavy.

       9.  You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ...  the baptismal
 pool is a #2 galvanized "Wheeling" washtub.

       10.  You Know You're in a Redneck Church if …  the choir
 robes were donated by (and embroidered with the logo from) Billy
 Bob's Barbecue.

       11.  You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ...  the
 collection plates are really hubcaps from a'56 Chevy

       12.  You Know You're in a Redneck Church if …  instead of a
 bell you are called to service by a duck call.

       13.  You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ...  the minister
 and his wife drive matching pickup trucks.

       14.  You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ...  the
 communion wine is Boone's Farm "Tickled Pink".

       15.  You Know You're in a Redneck Church if...  "Thou shall
 not covet" applies to huntin' dogs, too.

       16.  You know You're in a Redneck Church if ...  the final
 words of the benediction are, "Y'all come back now, Ya hear".

       God Bless and don't fergit ta say yer prayers!

[okarol]

An elderly Irishman lay dying on his bed.
 
While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite cheese scones wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.
 
Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom and, with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.
 
With labored breath, he leaned against the doorframe, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table, were dozens of his favorite scones.
 
Was it heaven? 
 
Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted Irish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
 
Mustering one great effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted. He could almost taste the cheese scone before it was in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life.
 
The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to the nearest scone at the edge of the table, when his hand was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife...................
   
F**k off"  she  said, "They're for the funeral"