-=- THE OFFICIAL I HATE DIALYSIS.COM JOKE THREAD -=- (Bold type please!)

[Sluff]

 

[okarol]

    Create a "Dear Santa" letter 

Go to ---> http://www.wtv-zone.com/LadyBoheme/dearsanta.html

[okarol]

deer santa:
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy all yeer.
Yer Frend,
BiLLy

Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care. How about I send you a frigging book so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell!
Santa
------------------

Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody!
Love,
Sarah

Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?
Santa
------------------

Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.
Love,
Teddy

Dear Teddy,
Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your frigid, fat mom, who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up that dream. Let me get you some nice Legos instead. Maybe you can build yourself a family with those?
Santa
---------------------

Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, a Playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba.
Love,
Francis

Dear Francis,
Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays? I bet you're gay.
Santa 
-------------------

Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door.
Love,
Susan

Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the shits and carrots make the deer fart in my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Two words: Jim Beam.
Santa 
-----------------------------

Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys?
Your friend,
Thomas

Dear Thomas,
All the toys are made by little kids like you in China . Every year I give them a slice of bread as a Christmas bonus. I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing money at the craps table.
Santa 
P.S. Tell your mom she got the part. 
---------------------

Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like in the song?
Love,
Jessica

Dear Jessica,
Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm skipping your house.
Santa
-----------------------

Dear Santa,
I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE PLEASE could I have one?
Timmy

Timmy,
That whiny begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap doesn't work with me. You're getting an ugly sweater again.
Santa
--------------------

Dearest Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home?
Love,
Marky

Mark,
First, stop calling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting your ass kicked at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a low-rent, ghetto apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like all the burglars do, through your bedroom window.

-----------------



EDITED: Moved Post to Proper Thread - Sluff, Moderator

[okarol]

Christmas Story for people having a bad day....


When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the pre-Christmas pressure. Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where. Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered. So, frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum.

When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drank all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa.  Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree!!       
                       

[Sluff]

Christmas Story for people having a bad day....


When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the pre-Christmas pressure. Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where. Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered. So, frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum.

When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drank all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa.  Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree!!       
                       

Good one Okarol I've often wondered the reason behind that.   

[okarol]

From the minds of Children.....Proverbs

A first grade teacher collected well known proverbs. She gave each child in the class the first half of the proverb, and asked them to come up with the rest. Here is what the they came up with:


Better to be safe than....................punch a 5th grader.

Strike while the.........................bug is close.

It's always darkest before..............daylight savings time.

Never underestimate the power of............termites.

You can lead a horse to water but ...........how?

Don't bite the hand that.......................looks dirty.

No news is.........................impossible.

A miss is as good as a........................Mr.

You can't teach an old dog.....................math.

If you lie down with dogs, you.......will stink in the morning.

Love all, trust........................me.

The pen is mightier than......................the pigs.

An idle mind is......................the best way to relax.

Where there is smoke, there's..............pollution.

Happy is the bride who..................gets all the presents.

A penny saved is.........................not much.

Two is company, three's.....................The Musketeers.

None are so blind as.....................Helen Keller.

Children should be seen and not..........spanked or grounded.

If at first you don't succeed............get new batteries.

You get out of something what you.......see pictured on the box.

When the blind lead the blind.................get out of the way.

There is no fool like...........................Aunt Edie.

Laugh and the whole world laughs with you. Cry and......you have to blow your nose.

    

[okarol]

A different variation of a previous story...

An 80-year old man read in the paper that someone had saved a life by
signing an organ donor card.  The man felt this was a noble thing to
do so he called the organ donor organization to see if he could get
a card.  Unfortunately, he was told that he was too old to donate his
organs when he died. 

The lady at the organization did tell him that if he wanted to give life
in another way that he could go donate at the local sperm bank
 - they take anyone of any age.  Rather pleased, the man went to the
sperm bank.  After filling out the obligatory forms, the receptionist
gave him a jar and pointed to a little room and said, "You can go in
there to donate, thank you."  So the man went in and closed the door and
in a moment the receptionist heard this loud moaning and groaning.  She
felt a little embarrassed for the old man but did nothing.  The moaning
and groaning continued for 20 minutes and finally she knocked on the door
and asked if the old man was all right.

The old man came out and said, "I'm really sorry.  I tried it with my left
hand, then I tried it with my right hand, then I tried it with both hands,
but I can't get the DAMN LID OFF THE JAR!!!"

[Sluff]

  Good One.

[okarol]

A salesman walking along the beach found a bottle. When he rubbed it, lo and behold, a genie appeared.
"I will grant you three wishes," announced the genie. "But since Satan still hates me, for every wish you make,
your rival gets the wish as well -- only double."

The salesman thought about this for a while. "For my first wish, I would like ten million dollars," he announced.
Instantly the genie gave him a Swiss bank account number and assured the man that $10,000,000 had been
deposited. "But your rival has just received $20,000,000," the genie said.

"I've always wanted a Ferrari," the salesman said. Instantly a Ferrari appeared. "But your rival has just received
two Ferraris," the genie said. "And what is your last wish?"

"Well," said the salesman, "I've always wanted to donate a kidney for transplant."

[goofynina]

LMAO,,, OHHH, EVIL, EVIIIIIL I SAY    (and lovin it)  thanks for the laughs Okarol...

[kitkatz]

That was pretty bad.

[nextnoel]

A guy is walking along the beach and finds a lantern.  Hoping it's a magic one, he rubs it, and sure enough, out pops a genie, who says that as a reward for being freed from the lantern, he will give the guy any 3 wishes he asks for.

Guy says he's always hated being ugly, and asks to be made handsome, and <poof>, the genie turns him into the most handsome man alive.

Guy says he's always hated being poor, and asks for a million dollars, and <poof>, the genie makes a million dollars appear on the beach, stacked up all nice and tidy.

Guy thinks awhile, wanting to get the most out of his last wish, and finally says, "I've never had much success with women, so I want you to make me irresistible to women."  And <poof>, the genie turned him into a box of chocolates.

[Sluff]

Go figure.

[okarol]

A Scotsman, an Englishman and a Newfie were sitting in a bar
in Toronto. The view was fantastic, the beer excellent, the food
exceptional.

"As good as this is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs
back home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's. The Landlord
goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he will buy
the fifth drink for you."

"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London, the Red
Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."

"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said the Newfie. "Back home in Sin Jahn's
there's the Codfish Bar. The moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy
you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when
you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you gets
laid, all on the house!"

The Englishman and Scotsman immediately shout down the Newfie's
claims, but he swears every word is true. "Well," said the Englishman, still
suspicious. "Did this actually happen to you?"

"Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Newf. "But it did happen
to me sister quite a few times."

[Sluff]

What do you call a Blonde up in a tree with a briefcase ?











A branch manager.

[nextnoel]

Teehee, Sluff, good one! 

[goofynina]

What do you call a Blonde up in a tree with a briefcase ?

A branch manager.

LOVE IT, LOVE IT, LOVE IT... Those poor blondes, 

[jbeany]

Three samurai decide to see who is the greatest swordsman.  A judge approaches the first samurai and opens a box.  A fly comes out, which the warrior instantly cuts in half.

"Impressive, " the judge says, before walking over to the second samurai.  When the fly emerges from the second box, the second samurai dices the fly into four equal parts.

"Incredible," the judge says.

Finally, the judge opens a third box in front of the last samurai.  his sword flashes, but the insect flies away.  Nevertheless, the samurai sheathes his sword and smiles.

"But the fly still lives," the judge says.

"True," the samurai says, "But he will never have children."

[Sluff]

JBeany  ouchhhh that hurt!

[kitkatz]

What do you call a Blonde up in a tree with a briefcase ?

A branch manager.

LOVE IT, LOVE IT, LOVE IT... Those poor blondes, 

Hey I am blonde over here!

[okarol]

 A Canadian take on drug/alcohol abuse at:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sHzdsFiBbFc

[goofynina]

OMG,  LMFFAO.... That was toooo funny,  thanks okarol,  i needed that

[Sluff]

That was too funny   

[kitkatz]

That was unreal!

[okarol]

removed