-=- THE OFFICIAL I HATE DIALYSIS.COM JOKE THREAD -=- (Bold type please!)

[goofynina]

OK, YOU ASKED FOR IT BIG GUY..... (im a going searching in my archives)

[angieskidney]

HYPNOTIST IN THE SENIOR CENTER

    It was entertainment  at the senior center and the Amazing Claude was
topping the bill. People  came from miles around to see the famed
hypnotist do his  stuff.  As Claude went to the front of the meeting room,
he  announced: Unlike most hypnotists who invite two or three people up
here
  to be put into a
trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of  the audience." The
excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a  beautiful antique
pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your  eye on this
antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six
generations.
He began to swing the watch gently back  and forth while quietly chanting:
Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch  the watch..." The crowd became
mesmerized as the watch swayed back and  forth, light gleaming off its
polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes  followed the swaying watch,
until, suddenly, it slipped from the  hypnotist's
fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a 100 pieces.
"SHIT!" said the Hypnotist...

It took three  days to clean up the senior center

I just saw this thread now so I am giving you all these jokes I get in emails from my mom

But it is to my understanding that each joke gets  a new separate post? Am I right? Just making sure. Thx.

[angieskidney]

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of
his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar
home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave
him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The
doctor
asked what happened and the man explained.

"Well, doc, it's like this. First I tried with my right hand, but nothing.
Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for
help.  She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing.
She
tried with her mouth, first with her teeth in, then with her teeth out,
still nothing."! We even called the lady next door, and she tried too,
first
with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between
her
knees, but still nothing."

The doctor was shocked. "You asked your neighbor...?"

The old man replied, "Yep ... and none of us could get that jar open!"

(where was YOUR dirty mind??)

[angieskidney]

5 Winning Smart Ass Answers For 2005
 

 

Smart Ass Answer #5:

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.

As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened

his trench coat and flashed at her.

Without missing a beat....she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not

your stub."



*****************



Smart Ass Answer #4:

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but

she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy,

"Do these turkeys get any bigger?"

The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."



*******************



Smart Ass Answer #3:

The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding

rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop

said.



The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the

cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a

ticket.



*******************




Smart Ass Answer #2:

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that

reads, "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead

of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles.

Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to

the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"

The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of

gas."



*******************



#1 SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2005.......................



A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.

"Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here

tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury

or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other

excuses whatsoever!"

A smart ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What

would you say if tomorrow I said I was su! ffering from complete and utter

sexual exhaustion?"

The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was

restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shaking her head

and sweetly said "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your

other hand."
 

[angieskidney]

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, they are
met
 by St. Peter.
 He says, "Sisters, you all led such exemplary lives that the Lord is
 granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you wish to
be."

 The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren;" and *poof* she's gone.
 The second says, "I want to be Madonna;" and *poof* she's gone.
 The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini.

 St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he asks.

 "Sara Pipalini;" replies the nun.

 St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, but that name just
doesn't
 ring a bell."

 The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St.
Peter.

 St. Peter reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her
and
 says......

 "No sister, the paper says it was the 'Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by
 1,400 men in 6 months."


 If you laugh, you are going straight to hell!

[angieskidney]

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be
confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum  cleaner. " Good
morning," said the young man.  "If I could take a couple of minutes of your
time, I would like to demonstrate the very  latest in high-powered vacuum
cleaners." "Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!" and
she
proceeded to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his
foot
in the door and pushed it wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he  said. "Not
until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a
bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet."If this vacuum cleaner does
not remove all traces  of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will
personally eat the remainder." The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I
hope you've got a  good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this
morning."

[angieskidney]

In a train compartment, there are 3 men and a ravishing
young girl. The four passengers join in conversation,
which very soon turns to the erotic.

Then, the young girl proposes, "If each of you will
give me 1 pound, I will show you my legs."

The men, charmed by this young girl, all pull a buck
out of their wallet. And then the girl pulls us her
dress a bit to show her legs.

Then she says, "If each of you gentlemen will give me
10 pounds, I'll show you my thighs," Men being what they
are, they all pull out a ten pound note. The girl pulls up
her dress all the way to her undies.

Conversation continues, and the men, a bit excited,
have all taken off their coats. Then the young girl
says, "If you will give me a 100, I will show you where
I was operated on for appendicitis." Naturally, all
three fork over the money. Then the girl turns to the
window and points to a hospital in the distance and
says, "There!"

[angieskidney]

This is for all the germ conscious folks that worry about using cold
water to clean.

John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural
area of Georgia.

After spending a
great evening chatting the night away, John's grandfather prepared
breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast.  However, John noticed a film like
substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking, "Are
these plates clean?"

His grandfather replied, "They're as clean as cold water can get them.
Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!"

For lunch the old man made hamburgers.  Again, John was concerned about
the plates as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked
like dried egg and asked, "Are you sure these plates are clean?"

Without looking up the old man said, "I told you before, Sonny, those
dishes are as clean as cold water can get them.  Now don't you fret, I
don't want to hear another word about it!"

Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was
leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't let him
pass.
John yelled and said, "Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my
car".


without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV,
the old man shouted

"COLDWATER, GO LAY DOWN!!!!"

[Epoman]

Hey guys MORE jokes, Come on!

[Hawkeye]

This is not really a joke, but funny in an odd way none the less.

"Strange But True"

 
Here's a little part of US history which makes you go hmmmmm.

The names Lincoln and Kennedy each contain seven letters.

Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.

Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.

Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.

Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy.
Kennedy's secretary was named Lincoln.

Both wives lost their children while living in the White House.

Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.
Both Presidents were shot in the head.
Both Presidents were shot by southerners.

John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839.
Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939.

Both assassins were known by their three names.
Both names are comprised of fifteen letters.

Lincoln was shot at the theatre named "Kennedy".
Kennedy was shot in a car called "Lincoln".

Booth ran from the theatre and was caught in a warehouse.
Oswald ran from a warehouse and was caught in a theatre.

Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.

Both successors were named Johnson.
Both successors were southerners.

Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.

And...

A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe, Maryland.
A week before Kennedy was shot, he was in Marilyn Monroe.

[Hawkeye]

Here's one with a moral, please read all the way to the bottom.

The Farmer


One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway, it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.

He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he quietened down.

A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up.

As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!

Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.


Remember the five simple rules to be happy:

1. Free your heart from hatred - Forgive.

2. Free your mind from worries - Most never happen.

3. Live simply and appreciate what you have.

4. Give more.

5. Expect less

NOW --------

Enough of that crap . .

The donkey later came back and bit the shit out of the farmer who had tried to bury him. The gash from the bite got infected, and the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock.

MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON

When you do something wrong and try to cover your ass, it always comes back to bite you.

[angieskidney]

  That was Great!!!!

[Hawkeye]

Celebrity Computer Viruses


Monica Lewinsky virus: Sucks all the memory out of your computer.

Ronald Reagan virus: Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.

Mike Tyson virus: Quits after one byte.

Oprah Winfrey virus: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands to 300MB.

Titanic virus: Makes your whole computer go down.

Disney virus: Everything in the computer goes Goofy.

Prozac virus: Screws up your RAM but your processor doesn't care.

Sharon Stone virus: Makes a huge initial impact, then you forget it's there.

BBC virus: Runs the same programs over and over, week after week after week.

Woody Allen virus: Bypasses the motherboard and turns on a daughter card.

Bill Clinton virus: Won't let you query the system for information.

Saddam Hussein virus: Won't let you into any of your programs.

X-files virus: All your Icons start shape shifting.

Spice Girl virus: Has no real function, but makes a pretty desktop.

British Telecom virus: Every 3 minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.

Arnold Schwarzenegger virus: Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.

[Hawkeye]

Here is one more for today.

Funeral suit

A bereaved woman goes into a funeral home to make arrangements for her husband's funeral. She tells the director that she wants her husband to be buried in a dark blue suit. He asks, "Wouldn't it just be easier to bury him in the black suit that he's wearing?"

"No," she insists. "It must be a blue suit." She then gives him a blank check to buy one. When she comes back for the wake, she sees her husband in the coffin and he is wearing a beautiful blue suit.

She tells the director, "That is absolutely perfect! I love it! How much did it cost?"

He says, "Actually, it didn't cost anything. The funniest thing happened. As soon as you left, another corpse was brought in, this one wearing a blue suit. I noticed that they were about the same size, and asked the other widow if she would mind if her husband were buried in a black suit.

She said that was fine with her.

So, I switched the heads."

[willieandwinnie]

PREGNANT TURKEY STORY

One year at Thanksgiving, my mom went to my sister's house for the traditional feast. Knowing how gullible my sister is, my mom decided to play a trick. She told my sister that she needed something from the store.

When my sister left, my mom took the turkey out of the oven, removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen, and inserted it into the turkey, and re-stuffed the turkey . She then placed the bird(s) back in the oven.

When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her serving spoon hit something, she reached in and pulled out the little bird .

With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed, "Patricia, you've cooked a pregnant bird!" At the reality of this horrifying news, my sister started to cry .

It took the family two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs!

Yep.................SHE'S BLONDE![/b]

[goofynina]

Funny Animals:

 

Four people were bragging about how smart their cats are.
The first was an Engineer, the second an Accountant, the third was a Chemist, the fourth a Government Worker.

To show off, the Engineer called to his cat, "T-square, do your stuff." T-square pranced over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.

Everyone agreed that was pretty smart, but the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff."

Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each.

Everyone agreed that was good, but the Chemist said his cat could do better.

He called his cat and said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop.

Everyone agreed that was good. Then the three men turned to the Government Worker and said, "What can your cat do?"

The Government Worker called to his cat and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff."

Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, pooped on the paper, screwed the other three cats, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance for unsafe working conditions, put in for Worker's Compensation and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.

[MelissaJean]

A guy walked into a bar.  He said to the bar tender, "I bet you $100 I can stand on one side of this bar and pee into a cup on the other side without spilling a drop."  The bartender agreed.  The guy did it perfectly, and the bar tender gave him $100.  The guy orders a beer and goes to talk with a group of people in the bar.  Twenty minutes later he says to the bartender "I bet you another $100 that I can stand on one side of the bar and pee into a shot glass on the other side without spilling a drop."  The bar tender agreed.  The guy begins to pee all over the bar.  The bar tender looks at him astonished and says, "You barely even made one drop?!?  And the guy responds, "Yeah, I know, but I bet those guys over there that I could pee on your all over your bar without you getting upset."

[goofynina]

Bad Dog??
 A woman was leaving a 7-11 with her morning coffee when she noticed
  a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A  long
black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse and behind the
second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull on a leash.  Behind
her were 200 women walking single file.
 The woman couldn't contain her curiosity. She
 respectfully approached  the woman walking the dog and said "I am so
sorry for your loss and I know now is a bad time to disturb you but I've
ever seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"
 The woman replied, "Well, that first hearse is for
 my husband."
 "What happened to him?"
 "My dog attacked and killed him."
 "Well who is in the second hearse?"
 The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was  trying to help my
husband when the dog turned on her."
 A poignant moment of silence passed between the two  women.
 "May I borrow the dog?"
"Get in line."

[angieskidney]

oooh that is sooo bad

[Bajanne]

Not really a joke at all, but didn't know where else to put it.  I got this in an email to which I subscribe.

Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the old ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

[Epoman]

Not really a joke at all, but didn't know where else to put it.  I got this in an email to which I subscribe.

Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the old ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

Did you see this thread in Off-Topic? http://ihatedialysis.com/forum/index.php?topic=997.0  this is perfect for that thread. 

[Bajanne]

Thanx.  I posted it there.

[Bajanne]

Why did the chicken cross the road?

             GEORGE W BUSH

             We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either against us or for us. There is no middle ground here.

             CONDOLEEZA RICE
            I am on my way to negotiations with the chicken to make sure that it is on our side of the road.

             HANS BLIX
             We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

             JOHN KERRY
             Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road I am now against it!


             RALPH NADER
             The chicken's habitat on the other side of the road had been polluted by unchecked industrial greed. The chicken did not reach the unspoiled habitat on the other side of the road because it was crushed by the wheels of a gas-guzzling SUV.


             PAT BUCHANAN
             To steal the job of a decent, hard-working American.

             RUSH LIMBAUGH
             I don't know why the chicken crossed the road, but I'll bet it was getting a government grant to cross the road, and I'll bet that somebody out there is already forming a support group to help chickens with crossing-the-road syndrome. Can you believe this?  How much more of this can real Americans  take? Chickens crossing the road paid for by their tax dollars. And when I say tax dollars, I'm talking about your money, money the government took from you to build a road for chickens to cross.

             MARTHA STEWART
             No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going.  I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

             DR SEUSS
             Did the chicken cross the road?   Did he cross it with a toad?     Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

             ERNEST HEMINGWAY
             To die in the rain. Alone.

             MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR
             I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

             GRANDPA
             In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

             BARBARA  WALTERS
             Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart-warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life long dream of crossing the road.

             JOHN LENNON
             Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together - peace.

             ARISTOTLE
             It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

             KARL MARX
             It was a historic inevitability.

             RONALD REAGAN
             What chicken?

             CAPTAIN KIRK
             To boldly go where no chicken has ever gone before.

             SIGMUND FREUD
             The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

             BILL GATES
             I have just witnessed eChicken2006 , which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook and Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken.

             ALBERT EINSTEIN
             Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

             BILL CLINTON
             I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken?

             AL GORE
             I invented the chicken!

             COLONEL SANDERS
            Did I miss one?

[goofynina]

 
 
Mouse Story ...
 
  A mouse looked through the  crack in the wall to see the farmer and
his wife open a package.
 
  "What food might this contain?" The mouse wondered -
 
  he was devastated to discover it was a mousetrap.
 
  Retreating to the farmyard, the mouse proclaimed the warning.
 
  "There is a mousetrap in the house! There is a mousetrap in the
house!"
 
  The chicken clucked and scratched, raised her head and said, "Mr.
Mouse, I can tell this is a grave concern to you
 
  but it is of no consequence to me.   I cannot be bothered by it."
 
The mouse turned to the pig and told him, "There is a mousetrap in the
house! There is a mousetrap in the house!"
 
The pig sympathized, but said,  "I am so very sorry, Mr. Mouse, but
there is nothing I can do about it but pray.
 
  Be assured you are in my prayers."
 
  The mouse turned to the cow and said, "There is a mousetrap in the
house! There is a mousetrap in the house!"
 
  The cow said, "Wow, Mr. Mouse.  I'm sorry for you,  but it's no skin
off my nose."
 
  So, the mouse returned to the house, head down and dejected, to face
the farmer's mousetrap-- alone.
 
  That very night a sound was heard throughout the house like the sound
of a mousetrap catching its prey.
 
  The farmer's wife rushed to see what was caught. In the darkness, she
did not see it was a venomous snake
 
  whose tail the trap had caught.
 
  The snake bit the farmer's wife.
 
  The farmer rushed her to the hospital and she returned home with a
fever.
 
  Everyone knows you treat a fever with fresh chicken soup, so the
farmer took his hatchet to the farmyard for the soup's
 
  main ingredient.
 
  But his wife's sickness continued,  so friends and neighbors came to
sit with her around the clock.
 
  To feed them, the farmer butchered the pig.
 
  The farmer's wife did not get well; she died.
  So many people came  for her funeral, the farmer had the cow
slaughtered to provide enough meat for all of them.
 
  The mouse looked upon it all from his crack in the wall with great
sadness.
 
  So, the next time you hear someone is facing a problem and think it
doesn't concern you remember when one of us is threatened,
 
  we are all at risk.
 
  We are all involved in this journey called life.
 
  We must keep an eye out for one another and make an extra effort to
encourage one another.
   
  EACH OF US IS A VITAL THREAD IN ANOTHER PERSON'S TAPESTRY;
 
  OUR LIVES ARE WOVEN TOGETHER FOR A REASON.
  One of the best things to hold onto in this world is a friend .
 
  Amen.

GET THE PICTURE??    love you all and thank you for watching out for me too

[Hawkeye]

Mathematical formula for success:

From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:
What Makes 100%?
What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?
Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?
We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.

How about achieving 103%?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer
these questions:

What makes up 100% in life?

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

Is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

And

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can then conclude with mathematical certainty that:

While Hard work and knowledge will get you close,

And, Attitude will get you there,

Bullshit and Ass kissing will put you over the top!!!