-=- THE OFFICIAL I HATE DIALYSIS.COM JOKE THREAD -=- (Bold type please!)

[Black]

A Canadian take on drug/alcohol abuse at:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sHzdsFiBbFc

By the First Church of Christ!?!   

[Bill Peckham]

This is a true story (just like every other story you've read from one of them internet tubes) the actual dialogue of a WordPerfect Customer Support employee, from the WordPerfect Help line which was transcribed from a recording monitored by the Corel customer care department. Now I know why they record these conversations it's so we can document these crazy internet stories.  With documentation we'll know they're all true.


Employee--"Rich Hall, Computer Assistance; may I help you?"

Customer--"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

Employee--"What sort of trouble?"

Customer--"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden, the words went away."

Employee--"Went away?"

Customer--"They disappeared."

Employee--"Hmmm So what does your screen look like now?"

Customer--"Nothing!"

Employee--"Nothing?"

Customer--"It's a blank; it won' t accept anything when I type."

Employee--"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"

Customer--"How do I tell?"

Employee--"Can you see the 'C:' prompt on the screen?"

Customer--"What is a sea prompt?"

Employee--"Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"

Customer--"There isn't any cursor; I told you, it won't accept anything I type."

Employee--"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"

Customer--"What's a monitor?"

Employee--"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"

Customer--"I don't know"

Employee--"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"

Customer--"Yes, I think so."

Employee--"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."

Customer--"Yes, it is."

Employee--"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"

Customer--"No."

Employee--"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."

Customer--"Okay, here it is."

Employee--"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."

Customer--"I can't reach."

Employee--"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"

Customer--"No."

Employee--"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"

Customer--"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle, it's because it's dark."

Employee--"Dark?"

Customer--"Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."

Employee--"Well, turn on the office light then."

Customer--"I can't."

Employee--"No? Why not?"

Customer--"Because there's a power failure."

Employee--"A power.......a power failure?.... Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and the packing stuff your computer came in?"

Customer--"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

Employee--"Good.. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from".

Customer--"Really? Is it that bad?"

Employee--"Yes, I'm afraid it is."

Customer--"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"

Employee--"Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer..."

I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired.

[Sluff]

I have days like that customer had. uuuuggghh!!

[okarol]

Signs Your Spouse Is Having An Affair By Computer
 
10. Lately she sits at the computer naked 
9. After signing off, he always has a cigarette
8 The giant rubber inflatable disk dive 
7. In the morning, the computer screen is all fogged up 
6. He's gotten amazingly good at typing with one hand 
5. She makes sarcastic remarks about your "software" 
4. Lipstick on the mouse 
3. During sex, she screams "A colon backslash enter insert!" 
2. The jam in the laser printer is a pair of underpants 
and the number 1 Sign Your Spouse Is Having An Affair By Computer.....
 
The fax file is filled with pictures of some guy's ass 

[tamara]

A Girl and Boy Broom lived in the same closet.  When one day the Boy Broom said to the Girl Broom, I'm in love with you and he asked her to marry him.  She said yes and they madly planned the wedding.  The wedding came and they were at the reception when The Bride Broom and the Groom Broom were enjoying themselves dancing when the Bride Broom leaned over and whispered to the Groom Broom, "I think I have a little Brush and Shovel on the Way" when the Groom Broom said "But how could we, We haven't even SWEPT together"  hahahahahahahaha

[okarol]

Fun at Sea - a Cruise Journal

DEAR DIARY .. DAY ONE
I am all packed and ready to get on the cruise ship.  I've packed all my pretty dresses and make-up. I'm really excited.


DEAR DIARY  ... DAY TWO
We spent the entire day at sea. It was beautiful and we saw some whales and dolphins. What a wonderful vacation this has started to be. I met the Captain today and he seems like a very nice man.


DEAR DIARY .... DAY THREE
I spent some time in the pool today.  I also did some shuffle boarding and hit some golf balls off the deck. The Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner.  I felt honored and we had a wonderful time. He is a very attractive and attentive gentleman,

DEAR DIARY . DAY FOUR
Went to the ship's casino ... did OK ... won about $80.  The Captain invited me to have dinner with him in his state room.  We had a luxurious meal complete with caviar and champagne.  He asked me to stay the night but I declined. I told him there was no way I could be unfaithful to my husband.


DEAR DIARY .. DAY FIVE
Went back to the pool today and got a little sunburned.  I decided to go to the piano bar and spend the rest of the day inside. The Captain saw me and bought me a couple of drinks. He really is a charming gentleman. He again asked me to visit him for the night and again I declined. He told me that if I didn't let him have his way with me he would sink the ship. I was appalled.

DEAR DIARY .. DAY SIX
I saved 1600 lives today ......twice !!!!

[okarol]

Alice and Frank are Bungee-jumping one day.
Alice says to Frank, "You know, we could make a lot of
money running our own Bungee-jumping service in Mexico."

Frank thinks this is a great idea, so they pool their money
and buy everything they'll need; a tower, an elastic
cord, insurance, etc.

They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square.

As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins
to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch
them at work. When they had finished, there was such a crowd
they thought it would be a good idea to give a demonstration, so
Alice jumps.

She bounces at the end of the cord, but when she comes
back up, Frank notices that she has a few cuts and
scratches.

Unfortunately, Frank isn't able to catch her and she
falls again, bounces and comes back up again.

This time, she is bruised and bleeding.

Again, Frank misses her. Alice falls again and bounces
back up.

This time she has a couple of broken bones and is almost
unconscious.

Luckily, Frank finally catches her this time and says,
"What happened? Was the cord too long?"

Barely able to speak, Alice gasps, "No, the Bungee cord was
fine. It was the crowd. What in the p*ck is a piñata?!"

[angela515]

 

[kitkatz]

Where do you take a one legged man to dinner?
 IHOP!

There was a man sitting by a bridge. He only has one leg. He was feeling sorry for himself. His friend was commisserating with him. A man with no arms ran by looking really happy. The friend turned to the man in the wheelchair and said: "See that guy has it worse than you do! He is happy." Then the guy with no arms ran up to them and said: "If I can't get someone to scratch my ass I am going to go crazy!"

[goofynina]

Where do you take a one legged man to dinner?
 IHOP!

There was a man sitting by a bridge. He only has one leg. He was feeling sorry for himself. His friend was commisserating with him. A man with no arms ran by looking really happy. The friend turned to the man in the wheelchair and said: "See that guy has it worse than you do! He is happy." Then the guy with no arms ran up to them and said: "If I can't get someone to scratch my ass I am going to go crazy!"

    Girrrrrrl, you drive me     

[kitkatz]

If I did not find some humor in it all, I would crumble and die!

[tubes]

The Organization
An organization is like a tree full of monkeys, all on different limbs at different levels.

Some monkeys are climbing up...some down.

The monkeys on top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces.

The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but a$$holes.
 

[tubes]

The School Report
Son: "Daddy, I have to write a special report for school, but I don't know what Politics is."

Father: "Well, let's take our home as an example. I am the bread-winner, so let's call me Capitalism. Your Mum is the administrator of money, so we'll call her Government. We take care of your need, so let's call you The People. We'll call the maid the Working Class and your brother we can call The Future. Do you understand son?"

Son: "I'm not really sure, Dad. I'll have to think about it."

That night awakened by his brother's crying, the boy went to see what was wrong. Discovering that the baby had seriously soiled his diaper, the boy went to his parents' room and found his mother sound asleep. He went to the maid's room, where, peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the maid. The boy's knocking went totally unheeded by his father and the maid, so the boy returned to his room and went back to sleep.

The next morning he reported to his father.

Son: "Dad, now I think I understand what Politics is."

Father: "Good son! Can you explain it to me in your own words?"

Son: "Well Dad, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, Government is sound asleep, the People are being completely ignored and the Future is full of $hit."
 
 

[okarol]

Jack was sitting in an airplane when another guy took
the seat beside him.
The new guy was an absolute wreck, pale hands
shaking, biting his  nails and moaning in fear.
 "Hey pal, what's the matter?" Jack ask.
"Oh man... I've been transferred to California," the
other guy answered.
"There's crazy people in California and they have
shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs, the highest crime rate..."
 "Hold on," Jack interrupted, "I've lived in
California all my life, and it is not as bad as the media says.
Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business,
enroll your kids in a good school and it's as safe as anywhere in
the world."
 The other passenger relaxed and stopped shaking for
the moment and  said, "Oh, thank you, I've been worried to death, but
if you live there and say it is OK, I'll take your word for it.
What do you do for a living?"
 "Me?" said Jack, I'm a tail gunner on a Budweiser
truck in Oakland.

[okarol]

AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES

1. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from
rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

2. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will
be afraid to cough.

3. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting
someone else to hold them while you chop away.

4. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply
using the sink.

5. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a
few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a
timer.

6 Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget about the toothache.

Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are:

You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and
should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

Remember:
* Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
* Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.
* If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You get another chance.

And finally, be really nice to your family and friends; you never know when
you might need them to empty your bedpan.

[AlasdairUK]

Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are:

You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and
should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

Duct tape solves almost any problem. 

[kitkatz]

Except how to get that sixth grader to sit in the damned seat the entire class period!!! They will not let me use superglue or rope or duct tape!

[okarol]

      An 80-year old Red Neck goes to the doctor for a
check-up.

       The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy
is in and asks,"How do you stay in such great physical
condition?"

        I'm a Texan and I am a golfer," says the old
gent, "That's why I'm In such good shape.  I'm up well
before daylight and out golfing. And I have a glass of
moonshine daily, and all is well!"

        "Well," said the doctor, "I'm sure that helps,
but there's got to be more to it.  How old was your
Dad when he died?"

        "Who said my Dad's dead?"

        The doctor is amazed, "You mean you're 80
years old and your Dad's still alive.  How old is he?"

        "He's 100 years old," said the old Red Neck.
"In fact he golfed with me this morning, and then we
went to the topless beach for a walk, that's why he's
still alive.  He's a Red Neck and he's
a golfer too!"

        "Well," the doctor said, "That's great, but
I'm sure there's more to It than that.  How about your
grandfather?  How old was he when he died?"

        "Who said my grandpa's dead?"  He's still
alive and kicking!

        Stunned, the doctor asks, "You mean you're 80
years old and your grandfather still living!
Incredible, how old is he?"

        "He's 118 years old," says the old Texas
golfer.

        The doctor is shocked at this point, "So, I
guess he went golfing with you this morning too?"

        "No, Grandpa couldn't go this morning because
he's getting married today."

        At this point the doctor is close to losing
it. "Getting married!  Why would a 118 year-old guy want to get
married?"

        "Who said he wanted to?"

[okarol]

Jill's prayer request...


A woman named Jill stood up during her church's prayer request time one Sunday morning, took the microphone from one of the church ushers, and bared her soul to the enrapt congregation:


"I want to tell you about the awful accident that my husband, Bob, has suffered this past month. He was riding his bike, lost control, ran off the highway and hit a tree. He was rushed to the hospital, and could have died, but thank the Lord, all he suffered was a broken scrotum." 

 

The congregation gasped in horror. The men in the congregation were obviously uneasy and writhed in their seats as she continued, "Bob has been in terrible pain all month since the accident. He has trouble breathing. He has trouble swallowing his food. He can hardly lift anything, he's in so much pain, and he has missed work because of it. He can't lift our children up to hold them and give them the personal love that they need.

 

Worst of all, we can no longer cuddle and have intimate relations. He is in constant pain, a pain so terrible that our love life has all but slipped away into oblivion.

 

I would like to ask you all in the congregation to pray for Bob, and pray for us, that his broken scrotum will soon heal and be as good as new."  A dull murmur erupted within the congregation as the full impact of this terrible accident sunk in.

 

Then, as the murmuring settled down, a lone figure stood up in midst of the congregation, worked his way up to the pulpit, obviously in pain, adjusted the microphone to his liking, then leaned over and said to the congregation:



My name is Bob,and I have only one word for my wife, Jill. That word is sternum!

[okarol]

"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old man. "You always feel like you have to pee and most of the time you stand there and nothing comes out."

"Ah, that's nothin," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you don't have a bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!"

"Actually," said the 80-year -old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."

"Do you have trouble peeing, too?" asked the 60-year old.

"No , I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all."

"So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?"

"No, I have one every morning at 6:30."

Exasperated, the 60-year-old said, "You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so bad about being 80?"

"I don't wake up until 7:00."

[okarol]

5 BEST THINGS TO SAY IF YOU GET CAUGHT SLEEPING AT YOUR DESK:

 

 

5. "They told me at the Blood Bank this might happen."

 

 

4. "This is just a 15 minute power nap they raved about in the time management course you sent me to."

 

3. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the Whiteout. You probably got here just in time."

 

2. "Did you ever notice the sound coming out of these keyboards when you put your ear down real close?"

 

And the NUMBER ONE best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk...

 

1. Raise your head slowly and say, "...in Jesus' name, Amen."

[okarol]

Two men were talking. "So, how's your sex life?"


"Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex."


"Social Security sex?"�


"Yeah, you know; I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!"�

[Jill D.]

A husband and wife were sharing a bottle of wine when the husband
said, "I bet you can't tell me something which will make me happy  and sad at the same time."

The wife thought for a few moments, then said, "Your manhood is bigger than your brother's".

(I hope this isn't too dirty...I did clean it up before posting)

[okarol]

After a long night of making love, he notices a photo of another man
on her night stand by the bed. He begins to worry.

"Is this your husband?" he nervously asks.

"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.

Your boyfriend, then?" he continues.

"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.

"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured.

"No, no, no!!!" she answers.

"Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands.

"That's me before the surgery." 

[okarol]

I recently chose a new primary care physician.

After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"

He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco or drink alcoholic beverages?"

"No," I replied. "I don't do drugs, either."

Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"

I said, "No, my other doctor said that all red meat is unhealthy!"

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?"

"No, I don't," I said.

He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"

"No," I said. "I don't do any of those things."

Then he looked at me and asked,

"Then why do you give a shit?