-=- THE OFFICIAL I HATE DIALYSIS.COM JOKE THREAD -=- (Bold type please!)

[Hawkeye]

TOP 40 THINGS TO DO IN AN ELEVATOR

40. Make racecar noises when anyone gets on or off.
39. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your Kleenex to other passengers.
38. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.
37. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.
36. Bring a chair along.
35. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see wha in muh mouf?"
34. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.
33. Do Tai Chi exercises.
32. Give religious tracts to each passenger.
31. Meow occasionally.
30. Sing "Mary had a little lamb" while continually pushing buttons.
29. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.
28. Play the harmonica.
27. Say "Ding!" at each floor.
26. Lean against the button panel.
25. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
24. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
23. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other people "through" it.
22. Start a sing-along.
21. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"
20. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
19. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
18. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
17. Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol coming!"

16. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
15. One word: Flatulence!
14. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not now, darn motion sickness!"
13. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
12. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
11. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your beeper?"
10. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
9. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, blasted, all of you just shut UP!""
8. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
7. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
6. Wear "x-ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.
5. Stare at your thumb and say, "I think it's getting larger."
4. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."
3. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!"
2. Frown and mutter "gotta go, gotta go" then sigh and say "oops!"
1. Draw a little square on the floor and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."

[Epoman]

Mathematical formula for success:

From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:
What Makes 100%?
What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?
Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?
We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.

How about achieving 103%?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer
these questions:

What makes up 100% in life?

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

Is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

And

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can then conclude with mathematical certainty that:

While Hard work and knowledge will get you close,

And, Attitude will get you there,

Bullshit and Ass kissing will put you over the top!!!  

HAHA That's great Hawkeye, I've never seen that one before.  I love it.

[kitkatz]

The pirate captain upon seeing the upcoming British Man o War said to his First Mate " Bring me my red shirt. We go into battle today!"
The pirates went into battle and soon were on their way with British treasure. 
The First Mate went to the captain and asked: Why did you want your red shirt, sir, before we went into battle? 
The captain replied: "When I wear the red shirt, if I am wounded in battle the men will believe I am fine and will fight on even harder."
A few days alter the pirate frigate is surrounded by British ships all wanting to get even. 
The captain sees all the ships waiting to get his ship turns to his First mate and says:  "Get me my brown pants."

[thom]

A car hits a Jewish man. The paramedic rushes over and says, "Are you comfortable?" The guy says: "I make a good living."

[thom]

A man goes to a psychiatrist and says, "Doc, my brother's crazy, he thinks he's a chicken." The doctor says, "Why don't you turn him in?" The guy says, "We would. But we need the eggs."

[thom]

I bought a box of animal crackers and it said on it "Do not eat if seal is broken." So I opened up the box, and sure enough...

[kitkatz]

 Warning: Cute Things to Offend Anyone

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan

What is the difference between
a Harley and a Hoover ?
The position of the dirt bag
 
Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.
 
What do you see when the
Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts?
 
Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any
 
What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.
 
What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.
 
What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs
 
What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes
 
What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.
 
Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.
 
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.
 
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you
 
What makes men chase women
they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
 
Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.
 
What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
 
What did the blonde say when
she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"
 
Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.
 
Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia?
Everyone has the same DNA.
 
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.
 
Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
 
Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.


 
What would you call it when
an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.
 
What does it mean when the
flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?
They're hiring.
 
What's the difference between
a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal
on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe".
 
How do you get a sweet little
80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

 What's the difference between
a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..."
A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this s....t"
 
Why is there no Disneyland in China?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides

[Epoman]

John was a clerk in a small drugstore but he was not much of a salesman. He could never find the item the customer wanted. Bob, the owner, had about enough and warned John that the next sale he missed would be his last. Just then a man came in coughing and he ask John for their best cough syrup. Try as he might John could not find the cough syrup. Remembering Bob's warning he sold the man a box of Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once. The customer did as John said and then walked outside and leaned against a lamp post. Bob had seen the whole thing and came over to ask John what had transpired. "He wanted something for his cough but I couldn't find the cough syrup. I substituted Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once" John explained. "Ex-Lax won't cure a cough!" Bob shouted angrily. "Sure it will" John said, pointing at the man leaning on the lamp post. "Just look at him. He's afraid to cough!"

Oh and 

[kitkatz]

Oh my.

[Hawkeye]

Confused by all the conflicting news from nutrition research studies? Here is the final word:

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat sausages and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

What can we conclude? Eat and drink what you like. Being American is apparently what kills you.

[Hawkeye]

Here's the untold story of the world's first dieters: Adam and Eve

The real story of creation ...
In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated the Earth with colorful fruits and vegetables of all kinds so that Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.
Then Satan created doughnuts and ice cream. And Man and Woman ate of them. And Satan smiled. And God created low-fat yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman gained in size.
So God said, "Try my fresh green salad." And Satan presented thick creamy dressing, buttery croutons and garlic toast on the side. And Man and Woman loosened their coverings.
God then said, "Behold, I have sent you heart-healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them." And Satan brought forth deep-fried fish and chicken-fried steak. And Man's cholesterol reached toward the heavens.
God then created a light, fluffy white cake and named it "Angel Food." And Satan created chocolate cake and named it "Devil's Food."
God then brought forth running shoes for his children. And Satan gave them cable TV with a remote control. And Man and Woman became lazy and gained pounds.
Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin, sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them. And Man continued to grow in size.
God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and fat. And Satan created the 99-cent double bacon cheeseburger and asked, "You want to super-size those fries?"
And Man went into cardiac arrest.
God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery. And Satan created HMOs.

[angieskidney]

The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair,
Where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place.
Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she could write notes
When she needed to communicate.
-
After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning
Off to the right, so some family members grabbed her
Straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right. A short
Time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the
Family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left.
-
Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members
Again grabbed her, then tied a pillowcase around her waist
To hold her up.  A grandson, who arrived late, came up to
Grandma and said, "Hi, Grandma, you're looking good!
How are they treating you?"

Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a
Note to the grandson...

"They won't let me fart."

[okarol]

Ma and Pa are sitting on the porch swing one

evening enjoying the warm breeze and the night

sounds. Suddenly, for no reason at all, Ma hauls

off and slaps Pa up side the head so hard he falls

off the swing. Dazed, Pa gets up and asks, 'What

the hell was that for?'

To which Ma replies, 'That's for 20 years of bad  sex!'

Pa says nothing and gets back on the swing. About

5 minutes of silence later, he hauls off and slaps

Ma up side the head equally hard. Ma gets up

dazed and asks, 'What was that for?'

To which Pa replies, 'That's for knowing the damn

difference!'

[okarol]

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent which
is being renovated, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior
is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits. After
conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the
room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude. In the middle of the
project, there comes a knock at the door.

"Who is it?" calls one of the nuns.

"Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the
door. The two nuns look at each other, shrug, and decide that no harm can
come from letting a blind man into the room. They open the door, and a man
enters.

"Nice boobs," says the man.

"Where do you want these blinds?"

[okarol]

Two elderly gentlemen, who had been without sex for several
years, decided they needed to visit a cat-house for some
tail..... When they arrived, the madam took one look at them
and decided she wasn't going to waste any of her girls on these two
old farts. She said, "Don't worry boys, we'll take good care of you."

She whispered to one of her gals to put "blow-up" dolls in each man's room.
"Head right upstairs to the first two rooms on the left," she told them.

After the two men had paid and were walking home they began to
talking. The first man said, "I don't know about you, but I'd almost
swear, that the girl I had was dead."
"Dead?" said his friend.
"Yes, dead! She never moved, talked or even groaned... how was
it for you?"

The second man replied, "I think mine was a witch!"
"What? A witch??"
"Yes! I started I nibbling on her breast..... then she farted and flew
out the window!"

[okarol]

So.... Keith comes home from an exhausting day at work,
plops down on the couch in front of the television, and
tells his wife, "Get me a beer before it starts."

The wife sighs and gets him a beer.
Fifteen minutes later, he says, "Get me another beer
before it starts."

She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it
down next to him.

He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says,
"Quick, get me another beer, it's going to start any
minute."

The wife is furious. She yells at him "Is that all you're
going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that
TV? You're nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob, and
furthermore . . ."

Keith sighs and says, "It's started ... "

[okarol]

How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest ?
They Take The Psycho Path.

How Do You Get Holy Water?
You Boil The Hell Out Of It.

What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
Dam!

What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
Polaroid's.

What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?
A Stick.

What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
Nacho Cheese.

What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.

What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
Quattro Sinko.

What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?
Spoiled Milk.

What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?
Frostbite.

What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
A Nervous Wreck.

What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
Anyone Can Roast Beef.

Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?
Right Where You Left Him.

Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because They Have Big Fingers.

Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
Because It Scares The Dog.

What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
Sanka.

What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover?
The Location Of The Dirt Bag.

Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.

What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?
A Bad Golfer Goes Whack, Dang!
A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.

How Is a Texas Tornado And  an Alabama Divorce The Same?
Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer!

[Epoman]

A little old lady walked into the Bank of Canada one day carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!"

After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office (the customer is always right!)

The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit.

She replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk.

The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around. Where did you get this money?"

The old lady replied, "I make bets."

The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?"

The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square."

"Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!"

The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?"

"Sure," said the president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!"

The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 AM as a witness?"

"Sure!" replied the confident president.

That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet.

The next morning, at precisely 10:00 AM, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: "$25,000 says the president's balls are square!"

The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president did. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them.

"Well, okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure."

Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The President asked the old lady, "What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?"

She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 AM today, I'd have The Bank of Canada's president's balls in my hand."

[jbeany]

Three men arrive at the Pearly Gates at the same time, only to find a long line ahead of them.  St. Peter comes down the line, apologizing for the wait and telling everyone that they could bypass the line if they had just suffered a stressful death.  Everyone else would have to wait.  The first man steps forward and says, "I suffered a horrible, stressful death."  St. Peter asked for the details.

He answers, "I came home during lunch, and found my beautiful young wife naked and sweaty in our bedroom.  Another man's clothes were tossed all over the floor.  In a jealous rage, I began tearing around the apartment looking for the other man.  I found him naked and hanging off the edge of our 5th story balcony by his fingertips.  I began pounding on his fingers, and he let go, and plummeted into the bushes below, but he was still alive.  I was still so furious that I dragged the refrigerator from the kitchen and dropped it over the balcony on top of him.  The stress was too much for my heart, though, and I dropped dead of a heart attack."

St. Peter agrees that this was a very stressful way to die, and sends the man through the Pearly Gates.

The second man steps forward and says, "My death was even more stressful than that."  St. Peter again asks for details and the man explains.  " I was working out on my 6th floor balcony when I tripped and fell over the edge, tearing off my gym shorts as I fell.  I had just managed to catch myself on the floor below me when someone began pounding on my fingers.  I couldn't hold on and I fell the 5 stories to the bushes below. I was laying there, naked, broken and bruised, but happy to be alive when a refrigerator fell on top of me and crushed me to death."

St. Peter again agrees that this was a very stressful way to die, and sends the second man through the Pearly Gates.

The third man then steps forward and says, "I can beat both of them.  My death was even more stressful than theirs."  St. Peter again asks for details.

The third man begins, "Picture this.  I'm naked and hiding in a refrigerator. . . "

[Sluff]

Dirt Bag???  Ummm not funny...lol just kidding Katz.
 

[kitkatz]

Huh???

[kitkatz]

Here you all go!

[Jill D.]

A woman went to her doctor. The doctor, after an examination, sighed
and said, "I've some bad news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your
affairs in order.

The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the
waiting room, where her daughter had been waiting.

"Well daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we
celebrate when things don't go well. In this case, things aren't well.
I have cancer. Let's head to the club and have a martini."

After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There
were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by
some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two
were celebrating.

The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end. "I
have been diagnosed with AIDS ,"The friends gave the woman their
condolences, and they had a couple of more martinis.

After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered,
"Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told
your friends you were dying of AIDS."

The woman said, "I don't want any of those bitches sleeping with your
father after I'm gone."

[Jill D.]

YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2006 when...

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your
coffee.

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )

12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.

14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.

[okarol]

With a couple celebrating their 50th anniversary at the church Marriage
Marathon, the minister asked Ralph to take a few minutes and share some
insight into how he managed to live with the same woman all these years.

Ralph replied to the audience, "Well, I treated her with respect, spent money
on her, but mostly,  I took her traveling on special occasions."

The minister inquired, "Wonderful. Can you give us an example?"

"Well, for our 25th anniversary, I took her to Beijing, China "

The minister said, "What a terrific example you are to all husbands, Ralph.

Please tell the audience what you're going to do for your wife on your
50th anniversary?"

Ralph replied, "I'm going to go get her."






EDITED: Merged Post to Correct Thread - Sluff, Moderator