-=- THE OFFICIAL I HATE DIALYSIS.COM JOKE THREAD -=- (Bold type please!)

[mrhecht]

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick:

"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper.

His son is also at the table, eating.

Jack asks, "Son... what happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 A. M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.

Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??"

His son replies, "Oh THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, I'm married!!"

Broken Coffee Table $239.99

Hot Breakfast $4.20

Two Aspirins $.38

Saying the right thing, at the right time........Priceless!

[mrhecht]

Ten Jewberrymuds

The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and room-service, at a hotel in Asia, which was recorded and published in the Far East Economic Review:

Room Service (RS): "Morrin. Roon sirbees."

Guest (G): "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."

RS: "Rye..Roon sirbees..morrin! Jewish to oddor sunteen??"

G: "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs."

RS: "Ow July den?"

G: "What??"

RS: "Ow July den?...pryed, boyud, poochd?"

G : "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please."

RS: "Ow July dee baykem? Crease?"

G: "Crisp will be fine."

RS : "Hokay. An Sahn toes?"

G: "What?"

RS:"An toes. July Sahn toes?"

G: "I don't think so."

RS: "No? Judo wan sahn toes??"

G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo wan sahn toes' means."

RS: "Toes! toes!...Why jew don juan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we bodder?"

G: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine."

RS: "We bodder?"

G: "No...just put the bodder on the side."

RS: "Wad?"

G: "I mean butter...just put it on the side."

RS: "Copy?"

G: "Excuse me?"

RS: "Copy...tea...meel?"

G: "Yes. Coffee, please, and that's all."

RS: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem, Anglish moppin we bodder on sigh and copy....rye??"

G: "Whatever you say."

RS: "Tenjewberrymuds."

G : "You're very welcome."


Ever called a software tech support number???

[Hawkeye]

His son replies, "Oh THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, I'm married!!"

Broken Coffee Table $239.99

Hot Breakfast $4.20

Two Aspirins $.38

Saying the right thing, at the right time........Priceless!

This was absolutely hilarious.  I've never been as drunk as that before, but I could see my wife reacting in a similar way.

[okarol]

DAMN CHECKING ACCOUNT!
 
A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the woman at the window,

"I want to open a damn checking account."
 
The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have

misunderstood you. What did you say?"
 
"Listen up. Damn it. I said I want to open a damn checking account now!"
 
"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this bank."
 
The teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to

inform him of her situation. The manager agrees that the teller does not

have to listen to that foul language. They both return to the window and the

manager asks the old geezer, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"
 
"There is no damn problem," the man says. "I just won $200 million

bucks in the damn lottery and I want to put my damn money in the damn

bank."

"I see," says the manager, "and is this bitch giving you a hard time?"

[Jill D.]

A group of kindergartners were trying very hard to become accustomed to the
first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on
NO baby talk!
'You need to use 'Big People' words,' she was always reminding them.

She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend!

'I went to visit my Nana.'

'No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER.  Use 'Big People' words!'

She then asked Mitchell what he had done.

'I took a ride on a choo-choo.'

She said 'No, you took a ride on a TRAIN.  You must remember to use
'Big People' words.

She then asked little Kaleigh what she had done!
'I read a book,' she replied.
'That's WONDERFUL!' the teacher said.  'What book did you read?'

Kaleigh thought real hard about it, then puffed out her chest with
great pride, and said, 'Winnie the SHIT.'

[Jill D.]

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO
paperwork, and was burned out.
    Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial,
he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college,
signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he
could. When the time of the practical exam approached, the
gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with
tremendous skill.
    When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had
obtained a
score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, saying "I don't
want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if
there is an error in the grade."
    The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart
perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together
again perfectly, w hich is also worth 50% of the mark."

After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you
did it all through the muffler."

[kitkatz]

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a 
voluptuous, athletic, 19-year-old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike
running shoes and a sign around her neck.

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The
sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later huffing
and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four
days and the same thing happens.

On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10
lbs. as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day, 20 lb. program.

The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning,
beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing
but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you
catch me, you can have me".

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent
shape and it takes him a while before he can continue, so for the next four
days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and
better shape.

Much to his delight on the fifth day he weighs himself only to discover that
he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised.

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day, 50 lb.
program.

"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most
rigorous program."

"Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."

The next day there's a knock at the door, and when he opens it he finds 
Richard Simmons standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a
sign around his neck that reads,

"If I catch you, you're mine."

[Joe Paul]

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker function and begins
to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2006 models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$90,000"

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing... the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000"

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand if it's really a pretty good price."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"

MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.

He turns and asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

[okarol]

Men have better friends than Women...........


Friendship Between Women

A woman didn't come home one night.
The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's
house.
The man called his wife's 10 best friends.
None of them knew about it.


Friendship Between Men

A man didn't come home one night.
The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house.
The woman called her husband's 10 best friends.

Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was
still there.

[okarol]

 

[Sluff]

All these years and they finally learn how to have fun....then...some a&#ho*e had to screw it up. 

[Jill D.]

I sure hope I get that old...and have that much spunk when I get there!!

[susie q]

   toooo funny!!  LMAO!! 

[tubes]

OMG......thats...uh...something else.....i cant believe they got kicked out.  they need love-in just like everyone else.
"reputation to uphold" my ass ! !! !

[goofynina]

Ohhhhh man,  Epoman would've had a field day with this one, and knowing him, he'd find some way or another to put me in the middle of it all,  that is crazy,  but hella funny, oooh, i just got a visual, yuuuuuuuuuck 

[okarol]

Toward the end of the service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have
forgiven your enemies?"

Eighty percent held up their hands.

The Minister then repeated his question.

All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.

"Mrs. Jones? Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?" asked the
Minister.

"I don't have any," she replied, smiling sweetly.

"Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?"

"Ninety-eight." she replied.

"Oh, Mrs. Jones, would you please come down in front and tell us all how a
person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world?"
implored the Minister.

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the
congregation and, in a clear, strong voice, said...

"I outlived the bitches."

[jbeany]

 

Oh, karol, I've got to tell my gram that one - she'll be 90 this August!

[nextnoel]

Okarol, that's great!  Reminds me of my grandmother.  Her marriage to my grandfather was a big scandel - she was 40 years old and he was 29, she was divorced with 2 daughters (divorce was a HUGE no-no in those days), they were different religions, he was a Northerner and she was a Southerner (another big deal in her little area of the country at that time) and to top it all off, he was drop-dead handsome, and previously had dated very elegant and stylish women - Grandmother was a short, round, very plain woman.  Just before she died, she was reminiscing about the early days of their marriage, and she got this sweet smile on her face and said, "You know, all those people who said it would never work - they're all dead now!"  At that time, she had been married 54 years - not bad, eh?

[okarol]

 

[goofynina]

LMAO... how true,  Okarol, where do you get these from, i want your connection   love them 

[Sluff]

I like the last two you posted Karol. 

[kitkatz]

A man went into his local whorehouse and asked if he could have one of the girls.  The bouncer asked him if he had any experience. The man said no. The bouncer said for him to go get some experience then come back.The man asked the bouncer how he was supposed to get experience.  The bouncer told him to go stick it in a tree a few times and get some experience.  Well the man left and a few months came back and asked for a girl.  The bouncer asked him if had  gotten any experience. The man said yes, he had had experience many
times.  The bouncer let him into a room with a girl. Pretty soon scream began to emanate from the room where this man was. The girl was screaming.  The bouncer and the madam raced to the room.  The man was furiously beating on the girl.  "What is going on here?" the bouncer hollered.  "I am trying to beat the bees out of this one first!"

[okarol]

The Wedding Night

David was going to be married to Jenn, so his
father sat him down for a little chat.

He said, "David, let me tell you something.
On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite
I took off my pants, handed them to your mother,
and said, "Here - try these on." She did and said,
"These are too big I can't wear them." I replied,
"Exactly I wear the pants in this family and I
always will. Ever since that night we have never
had any problems."

"Hmmm," said David. He thought that might be a
good thing to try.

On his honeymoon, David took off his pants and
said to Jenn, "Here try these on."

She tried them on and said, "These are too large.
They don't fit me."

David said, "Exactly. I wear the pants in this
family and I always will. I don't want you to ever
forget that."
Then Jenn took off her pants and handed them to
David. She said,

"Here, you try on mine."

He did and said, "I can't get into your pants."

Jenn said, "Exactly. And if you don't change your
smart ass attitude, you never will." And she lived
happily ever after.

[goofynina]

LMFFAO @ The Wedding Night, 

CAN I GET AN AMEN LADIES

[kitkatz]

AMEN!