Andy in the hospital

[Henry P Snicklesnorter]

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[boswife]

dear dd, your increadable! and so loved by us and i know your husband too.  I want to remind you of where he is right now in his head is not 'him'.  You know that, and i truly believe that when hes straightened out, his heart will know better on how to behave and his mind will just need somemore work.  Stress, and mi dont do well together... I must admit i have some of these issues myself and i have to be so carful as to how far i can go with stressors before i just have to put my hand up and say STOP.. He didnt stop soon enough and it's going to take more fixen to get him straight.  I have found my stopping point, and  i'd rather say stop to the world before i go 'over' than be horrified at my embarrassing self after.  sending love and comfort to you ...

[willowtreewren]

Still sending as much strength as possible.

DD, I hope that the Andy you love and who loves you will emerge from this episode. Many hugs. Yes it is hell right now, and might be difficult for some time, but surely there are better times ahead.

Love,

Aleta

[MooseMom]

I hope you've had a productive day and are feeling just a little bit more hopeful. 

[boswife]

Thinken about you lots today and hoping your feeling some settled in your heart...  Sending love and prayers... jill

[Jean]

DD, you are really going thru a bad time right now, and we all hope it gets better, one way or the other. When you said Andy had called you, I got the distinct feeling that he is well aware of everything going on now and wants to keep that contact with you. So, maybe this will work out enough to get your marriage back together. You love each other and that is the first giant step. I also just wanted to tell you, I think you did everything just as you should have, so when he starts screaming again, keep in mind how sick he must feel by now. You will be kept on my prayer list and I so hope your life makes a turn for the better soon.

[okarol]

  I hope things improve, so sorry for you both.

[cariad]

Wondering how it went with the boss and NAMI. Please update when you get the opportunity if you don't mind.

[willowtreewren]

Just sending hugs.....

 

[MooseMom]

How have things been going today?

[Darthvadar]

Any news of Andy, DD???...

And how are YOU doing???...

Darth...

[Desert Dancer]

Sorry to have taken so long with the update, I've just been too tired and hurting to sit at the computer.

Yesterday was a day of limbo. When I spoke to his counselor on Monday night they said he was going to be transferred to the new facility on Tuesday. Tuesday comes, no word from anyone. Every time I could get through I left messages for someone to call me and tell me what the hell was going on. Four messages, to be precise. On the last one I finally got snippy about the lack of communication and had a call within 20 minutes. That call resulted in the information that he was still there because there were no open beds at the other facility but he was next in line. She said when he was transferred someone would give me a call so I would know. Andy did not call all night Monday or all day Tuesday.

He finally called late on Tuesday, mostly to rant and rave about how he didn't belong there, was NOT going to the new facility and CAN'T SMOKE. (He keeps declining the patch even though he knows it works. That's just his pigheadedness working.) He kept vowing that he was walking out as soon as his 72-hour hold was up. I tried to explain it was a different process not involving the 72-hour hold and he didn't have a choice of facility unless he's voluntary, but he didn't want to hear it. I didn't argue the point because, well, if he tries that he's going to find out really quickly whether or not he can leave. Still very angry - especially when I told him I would still make the same decision - but did say "I love you" and "Happy Anniversary", albeit rather sarcastically.

Tuesday is also the day I went to talk to his boss. Well, I thought I was going to talk to his boss. When I got there his boss - instead of taking me into a conference room to talk privately - took me into the HR office. I nearly walked out rather than tell this story to her, because Andy can't stand this woman, has no respect for her - and she knows it. But I figured 'in for a penny, in for a pound' and presented my case anyway. Unfortunately I did need a lot of tissue to do this. They said they couldn't give me an answer on the spot as they needed to discuss it - fair enough - and would call me with an answer by the end of the business day.

Do you think I got a call? I'll give you three guesses and the first two don't count.

Tuesday was a bad day for me. At that point I hadn't slept in five days and hadn't eaten in four. And then I got a text from my friend Lisa: "How about I come over with food and kittens?" Food?! Kittens??!! Are you kidding? She came over with a metric shit-ton of Chinese food and I went into the kitchen to put everything onto plates. When I turned around to put the plates on the table, there stood Lisa with three teeny, tiny black fluffballs in her arms. AAAAHHHHH!!! Her son found them a month ago in an alley; they were so new their eyes weren't open yet and she's been bottle feeding them. So we ate and talked, she held me while I cried, we played with the kitties and watched them play and explore. How did she know those two things and her company were precisely what I needed? Kitten therapy got me through my anniversary.

I ended up not going to the NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) meeting because it was not safe for me to drive; I was punchy from lack of sleep and looking through my eyes was like looking through dirty eyeglasses. It's probably a good thing, though, because I've since discovered they have meetings specifically for family members only. So I've printed out that list and will hit one of those meetings soon. Might not be a bad idea to hit a few Al-Anon meetings as well; I obviously need a refresher.

Andy called three or four times today. It's difficult to hear him on the phone there because of all the bedlam in the background. This is a very intense emergency lockdown; no semi-private rooms, just wards with 20-some beds in one room. The first call he was still angry and raving about the same things. By the second call the legal advocate had come around to talk to him and told him exactly what I did about the 72-hour hold and how, yes, it is a different process since it was ME who got the court order and not the facility. He will have to wait for the evaluation and hearing at the new facility to find out whether/how long he has to stay. He wasn't very happy about that but since someone other than myself made it clear to him he stopped ranting about it to me.

The third time he called he said it was just to hear my voice and to tell me he loved me. Thank goodness I declined the offer to restrict his phone privileges. He was much calmer and sounded like himself, just frustrated and resigned. He still isn't completely convinced I didn't just put him there for my own amusement, but I made it clear to him that I wasn't kicking back and having a blast here at home like it was some vacation for me. I asked him if he really thought - as much as he knows I love him - that I would put him away from myself for no good reason. As with the issue of how long they can keep him, I don't think he's really going to understand what it's been like for me until he hears it from someone else. When I talked to his mother earlier today, I asked her if she would communicate to him just how frantic and upset I've been. Maybe if he hears it from her he'll be able to put himself in my shoes. He can't seem to do that right now.

The last call came about 8:00 PM this evening (Wednesday). There was absolutely no noise in the background at all. He's in the new facility and OH!!!  it is exactly the kind of facility I'd hoped it would be, exactly the kind of facility I'd thought he was going to the first time. He seemed so much calmer and very much himself. I was not allowed to visit him in the lockdown but I can see him from 2:00 PM to 7:00 PM every day in the new place, so I'll be heading over there tomorrow afternoon.

Oh, and do you think the old facility followed through and called me - the petitioner - to let me know his transfer status? I'll give you one guess this time.

So that's about where everything stands now. After Tuesday night's call and a good meal, I took some Xanax and went into a deep, coma-like sleep. Overslept, actually, and missed both my clinic visit and my PT appointment but I don't care, I needed the sleep. I dialyzed on Monday and I've got the machine ready and waiting for me right now. I'm really anxious to see him in person because although he sounds like himself again I won't be certain until I lay eyes on him. I think tomorrow is going to seem like a very long day till I can get over there.

I really, really think it was the drugs that did this to him last week. I think it was a very bad reaction to the anti-anxiety drug they gave him and a very rough adjustment to the anti-depressant on top of the underlying depression itself. He's still on the same anti-depressant and they changed his anti-anxiety drug to the one that worked for him before. I hope the new facility leaves well enough alone because it seems to me he's stable and maybe the last few days was just the time he needed to acclimate to the anti-depressant.

Now we're just waiting for the hearing. I guess my testimony at the hearing is going to depend on what I see and hear tomorrow when I visit him.

Thank you so much for all your love and concern. I don't know why it always surprises me to receive support when I ask for it. I guess I need to learn to do it more often.

[MaryD]

Good vibes and hugs coming your way.  How's things?     

Next time I'll check the 'someone has made a post while I was posting' message.

It's so good to hear things are settling down somewhat. More good vibes going your way

[cariad]

This sounds extremely hopeful, DD. Now that he's in a facility that is not crazy-making itself, he can center himself better.

The only advice I have is that I think I would be very reluctant to cut his time there short even if he is lucid and calm when you see him. Given the come-and-go nature of mental illness, you need to be absolutely sure (to the extent possible) that he is not going to have another break - your health has been jeopardized along with his, and you cannot risk this situation again. If he is not able to fully agree that you did exactly what you had to do, then personally I would ask that they keep him longer on the grounds that any stable person would recognise this in themselves. (Sorta what we talked about with one sign of insanity being that a person believes oneself to be sane.)

Also, please keep in mind what you've told us about his ability to put on a show, yes, I know you know him better than he probably knows himself, but still. I just do not think either one of you can survive another round of this, and at the very least he should be able to directly state that he knows he's ill and needs help.

Oh, and I finally found the info I was looking for on CrazyMeds - it was in the top forum section where only mods can start topics. They seem to right this moment be considering how to open up the site to more people in an effort to keep with the times, and one question they are debating is whether to allow spouses and friends to ask med questions. You might want to head over there and see if you feel comfortable trying to ask them a few questions. Since Andy snapped the first time without being on any meds, I am not so sure that this can be entirely pinned on the drugs. But I don't know.

(Please understand when I use words like 'crazy' and 'snapped' I mean no disrespect. I am fully aware that this is a serious, biological disease, but I am also in a bit of a rush and cannot take the time to be extra-careful. I say this to anyone reading, not just DD.)

Good luck! I want to hear any and all updates that you care to relate to us!

[willowtreewren]

I am so glad that things are improving. And I want to second Cariad's suggestion to err on the side of having Andy stay longer rather than shorter. It is a matter of life and death. Truly.

A few years back I was going through a rough spot with my dad. He was engaged in some self-destructive behavior and declared to my brother and me (because of our intervention) that he never wanted to see either of us again. I remember the uncontrolled crying and sense of helplessness. But then a very wise, though much younger, colleague said to me, after my stating that it was the worst day of my life, "Really? Then it should be getting better after this."

I offer you the same hope. It will continue to get better. Many hugs.

And one more thing. We ALL seem to recognize that we truly appreciate the chance to help others. Why are we always surprised that others want to help us? I have finally learned after all these years, that our community of friends feel privileged to be able to help out. When we need things, the best thing to do is to simply admit it so our friends can feel loved by giving love back.

 

Aleta

[MaryJoe]

I'm glad to hear that  things seem to be looking up on some fronts, the new facility sounds like the answer to all of our prayers.  I think Cariad hit the nail on the head with her advice.  It will be very tempting to want the facility to let Andy come home if he sounds and acts lucid when you see him.  You know him better than he knows himself and I know you want him well, really well, and not just calm and temporarily rational.  He knows you love him and when he's better he will know you did this out of love to keep him safe. I'm also happy that you got to hear him say I love you,  even if he said it reluctantly.  Sometimes your heart just needs to hear the words.  I hope your visit goes well.

Kitten therepy and Chinese food sounds pretty soul-soothing to me! It's wonderful to have a friend that knows exactly what will lift your spirit.

Please remember to take care of yourself.  You relly must make time to eat and rest.  How will you keep up your incredible strengh without nourishment for body and spirit?

    





 

[boswife]

Awwwwwww, some peace in the storm.. This was so good to read DD and though your not done yet, you sure seem to have gotton a 'pause' .  We need those to gather up all the rest and strength for next round what ever it may be.  I do so hope for a good 'meetup' and that both of you will rest a bit better.     Love your kittens and food!!!  what a blessing

[Darthvadar]

Thank God things appear to be on the up...

I'm delighted to hear it... Good that you got some sleep... You needed it....

Hope Andy recovers well, but meanwhile, take care of yourself.....

God bless...

Darth....

[MooseMom]

This is the best news I've heard all day, and it's still relatively early so I'm hoping for even better news as the day goes on!

One day at a time...

 

[billybags]

That update was so good to read. it is good you can go and see him and that he sounds like his old self. These drugs have a lot to answer for. I hope that you are looking after your self, be kind to your self. have a good weekend, get some sleep and food  down you.

[AnnieB]

I just heard about Andy, and wanted to make sure you knew that I am going to be sending lots of healing thoughts in your direction. You are not going through this alone. 

[cassandra]

 So glad to hear some better news. Take care of yourself too DD

         Lots of love and strength ,Cas

[Desert Dancer]

He is BACK!!!! He is HIMSELF!!! He is MY ANDY!!!   

First off, the facility is 100% clean and 100% professional; it is not filthy and overcrowded. Quite the opposite. I even saw his room; three to a room but clean. All the staff are very friendly and accommodating and it is STRUCTURED. There is a giant weekly schedule on the wall with the times of day in the left column. There is someplace he either can be or must be every hour of the day.

I wanted to be there right at 2:00 PM when visitation started but I had a completely wrong address. One that doesn't even exist. Don't ask me where I got it; I might remember someday. I ended up getting there around 2:25 but by the time I went through security, locking my purse in a locker, taking out and showing security everything I had packed for him, et cetera it was a quarter to three. There were only a few things he couldn't have but I was expecting that. I must admit the earplugs surprised me, though. Apparently the concern is someone swallowing them.

Several long corridors and locked doors later, there he was. THERE HE WAS. For real. I think I squeezed all the breath out of him and just didn't let go, and neither did he. He stood back looking at me and said, "You look beautiful"; I scratched my fingers the wrong way through his 5 o' clock shadow (times five) and said, "Scrufty man". He smiled wide and said he wasn't allowed to shave yet. We went into the day room to sit and I don't think we ever broke eye contact the entire hour-and-a-half I was there (except for kissing and such).

He was only just admitted last night and already has spoken to no fewer than FOUR doctors. Truthfully. In depth. Every one of the doctors sat for nearly an hour apiece listening to Andy tell the whole story. He just discovered from one of the doctors that one of the complaints in the petition was him trying to convince me to follow him. They pointed out to him that I was right to do what I did on that count alone. He was horrified, I mean genuinely horrified when I went to visit and told him it was true. He still has absolutely no memory of anything in the petition. Things like, "feeling like a dwarf star whose light has completely gone out and will go supernova soon".

He apologized profusely and told me - without any kind of question or prompt - that if our positions had been reversed he would have done exactly the same thing, would have had to do the same thing. He understands now he really did have memory loss and - except for the time before he started any drugs - it was probably largely due to the drugs. I told him how waxy and jaundiced he had been, the stumbling gait, confusion and mood swings. All he could do was shake his head and say, "I'm so sorry". Of course, he has nothing to be sorry for because he was not himself and I told him so. He apologized for "ruining our anniversary" and told me to pick out a nice restaurant so we could celebrate when he gets out. He showed me the written out plans he is making for putting together his own welding rig. He's got a list of things he needs and the first thing is 1) Pickup truck (dually). Erm. He said he can start out by pulling his rig behind his work van, though it's not really very professional. So. If Andy wants a truck, by god I'll get him a truck. Somehow.

They have him on the same anti-depressant he was taking here at home (Effexor) but they do intend to double his dose. They are giving him Ativan for anxiety and - just like before, it works like a charm. However, they are not going to be discharging him with Ativan, but something that only needs to be taken twice a day, not four times. And NOT Vistiril. That stuff is poison for him. He always started to deteriorate shortly after taking it.

So tomorrow there will be a get together with Andy, his treatment team and me. We will be formulating a treatment plan and getting things solidified for outpatient follow up. I don't know when tomorrow it will happen but I am waiting on the phone call. My thoughts on the matter are that as much as I want him home, I think he needs to stay in if they are going to be tinkering with his medications. I don't want him discharged until he's completely stabilized on the drugs and dosages he will be taking at home. That will be my recommendation to his team. They seem like they are really on the ball there, though, and I don't think they want to risk a repeat by discharging him too early.

I also heard back from his company. The voice mail started out, "Unfortunately..." so I simply deleted it and hung up. I dug up Andy's employee handbook and there is NO WRITTEN POLICY about having to give 2 weeks' notice to receive your PTO pay (their excuse). There is no law in Arizona saying they have to pay it; it is a matter of company policy and practice. Policy? I've just established there is no such thing, not in the employee handbook he had to sign for. Practice? They paid him out his vacation on August 7th, 2009 the last time he quit. There's your policy and practice, so I will be filing a wage claim with the Department of Labor with supporting documents and statutes. And if he wins his wage claim, I just might send them the letter I started last week and tell them to shove it up the darkest parts of their pasty white as_es.

I do believe that's all I can think of right now. Isn't it enough?!!!!!!! I went on the machine last night, so I'm free to just knock myself the hell out and get a good, long sleep. I think I'll go have some leftover Chinese now.

 

[gothiclovemonkey]

That is wonderful news!
 

And, I have to say that the description you said he said, about "feeling like a dwarf star whose light has completely gone out and will go supernova soon" is actually a great description of how that feels.

[amanda100wilson]