Andy in the hospital

[CebuShan]

Oh, DD, I wish I had the ability to make everything better for you both!
All I can do is say I'm so sorry and send lots of hugs your way.
              

[MaryJoe]

Oh, DD, I am so sorry things are not better now that Andy is home.  Please do whatever is necessary to keep yourself safe - mentally, emotionally, physically.  I can't imagine the anguish all this is causing you and I wish there was something I could do to lessen your burden.  Hugs to you and Andy too for he must also be in intense emotional pain.

    

[boswife]

Im glad you still have a clear vision (of healthy mind) for your life.  Partners can fog that and take away what we know to be right so keep fighting for yourself on this.  Im so dang sorry this is happening to you and wish it to have a fix somehow.  Love and prayers, jill

[cassandra]

I do hope the job is 'helping' the both of you.

Lots of love, an strength Cas

     

[RichardMEL]

So sorry to read all this ontinuing struggle and his actions, like with buying stuff and the CC plan is scary and yeah I am sure rational him would know that.

Wish I could give you hugs or some sort of advice that could help!

[AnnieB]

DD, I am so sorry that you are going through this. It really sounds that Andy, in his current state, is not only self-destructing, but also doing everything he can to destroy what the two of you have. Don't let him drag you down with him. What I'm picking up from reading through your updates is how much you still love him, and how much this whole situation is tearing you up inside. You may need to step back, just to protect yourself, even if only temporarily. Know how many people here love you and are rooting for you to make it through this on the other side. I will be praying for you and sending lots of positive energy your way, like everyone else on IHD. 

[Jean]

DD you know we all care about you and worry about you. Don't let the feeling of " I am responsible for him" hold you back. Get into a shelter if you have to. At least you will be safe there. Andy is now beyond YOU caring for him and he needs help. This is the worst mess ever and I hope that it will resolve soon, so that you can have some sort of a life. Good luck dear and God Bless.

[boswife]

I've been thinking about you DD.. Hope things are better for the both of you.  Would love to hear how your doing when you get the chance.  Lots of love being sent to you ... 

[natnnnat]

God, do I miss him. I knew I'd be lonely without him but I think I underestimated the depth of the loneliness.

Ach: tears. I hear ya. Terrible.

At least I know I CAN do dialysis alone if I have to... been doing it all month.  I mean, I've always done it alone but at least Andy was physically in the house then. I didn't realize how different it would feel in practice; however, the more practice I'm getting the more comfortable I am doing it alone. I guess people can acclimate to just about anything.

You can acclimatise and have and will again, but this aint over yet so don't give up.  More love from me to you 

[cariad]

How have things been, DD? Is Andy working again?

I think about you often, G tells me you have not posted any personal updates on FB.

[Desert Dancer]

I am sorry for being so stingy with the updates, but I know all of you can understand that sometimes Real Life pre-empts the online version and I've had to devote all my energy to it lately.

I find myself these days (cautiously) optimistic and I am (cautiously) happy to report that things seem to be turning around somewhat. Actually, they only just broke open in the last week to ten days. Andy is not completely himself again but he is starting to show through more and more; Sunday was the best day yet from start to finish. He has been working for several weeks now, regularly, and putting in 8-12 hour days depending on the job. Right now he's working through a temp agency but one of the companies they sent him to wants to hire him directly. He's still weighing that option - not crazy about the atmosphere or the hours - and did mention that he rather liked working for the temp agency. (I understand why, it's the reason I did so myself for over ten years.) At least he is getting out of the house and around people and has some structure and purpose to his days. It's a good thing, since he's still - for the most part - not leaving the house for any other reason. Except to shop. (To be fair, some of the money he's been spending - not all - are on tools he's required to have for the jobs he's been on. Things he used to own but gave away when we moved onto the boat. Sigh.)

He had been sleeping away all the hours he wasn't working but this weekend he finally stayed awake both days and took the initiative to get things accomplished. I woke up Sunday morning to an empty kitchen sink and he was outside fixing the front bumper of my car. When he was done with that he spent a few hours tearing apart his work van and getting it organized. I take that as a good sign, especially since he is making concrete plans for the future re: putting together his own welding rig. People who intend to check out don't generally make future plans, and certainly not with enthusiasm.

I've managed to persuade him to start eating real food for dinner again, mostly by just putting it in front of him and not giving him the cocoa krispies option in the first place. He's finally sleeping on his own, too, something he has not managed to do in well over seven months. He doesn't even need the melatonin anymore. I think that helps immensely.

There have been a few setbacks. The pharmacy shorted him on his pills last month and he ended up without them for four days. These are medications you absolutely CANNOT stop taking suddenly because there are very bad - even dangerous - effects to doing so. It showed. This month we counted the pills when he got them refilled to be sure that wouldn't happen again. There was another 'mood hiccup' when they switched him from one form of anti-depressant to the time-release version but that smoothed itself out. The lithium was giving him terrible hand tremors (not good for a weldor) so the doc lowered the dosage and has him taking them all at bedtime. That helped tremendously, too.

I got a lot of laughter out of him last week by showing him a steady stream of videos: Babies laughing, babies eating lemons for the first time, and Brazil's version of 'Candid Camera' (Camera Escondida). By this weekend there was even a little bit of the easy, teasing banter between us.

Perhaps I'm just being hopelessly hopeful but I find this all encouraging. The trick for me, then, is to not be lulled back into the old routines. It's too easy to say, "Oh, I finally have my life back" and slip back into not leaving the house myself but I am not allowing that to happen. Nothing changes if nothing changes. I am still trying to hit at least one AA meeting per day and have begun to make some friends just by virtue of showing up and becoming a familiar face. I'm actually the speaker at a women's meeting this Thursday. I was such a wreck when I began returning to meetings two months ago ("tore up from the floor up", as they say) but surprisingly it has been just like riding a bicycle. I really never forgot how to be sane and serene and have found that I've come up to speed rather quickly, though it's been surprisingly harder in some ways, too. Nothing that can't be overcome, though.

I've not opened my own account yet (I know!) not for lack of intent, just for lack of 'spare' funds to siphon off for that purpose. I have a lead on a part-time job that sounds like it might be a perfect fit (Peer Support Specialist for a recovery program) and so then I'd have a bit of income for myself that won't impact my disability.

Also (and this is HUGE): I finally managed to fix my own back. The physical therapist I went to was useless and completely disregarded any opinions I had as to what was wrong with my own body. SO... with just a few hours on Google and YouTube I put together my own physical therapy program and have been doing it faithfully every day. After only one week the pain - three years' worth of pain - was virtually gone. Within two weeks I found myself able to perform exercises and actions I haven't been able to do in years. Example? I can now put on my pants standing up, without having to lift up my right leg with my left hand and placing my leg in the pant leg. I can sit on the floor with my legs out in front of me, at a 90-degree angle, without propping myself up with my arms. I can do sit ups and leg lifts again. I can sit in chairs at meetings instead of on the floor on a pillow. Small things, but they are monumental to me. I worked so, so hard to accomplish this and I never, EVER gave up hope that if I just worked hard enough at it I could fix my back pain, and I always believed that tomorrow would be the day. And then suddenly, one day, it was.

What this means, of course, is I can move onto the next step: dancing again. That has been my goal all along. Now I think I'm finally ready, almost two years later than I'd hoped but I did it. It'll cost a little money for classes but it's important enough to me to be a priority - physically and mentally - so I'm going to do it.

In other news, our house was listed two weeks ago, which caused quite a bit of angst around here. We just found out on Thursday that it has been sold. How did we find out? The agent told me another inspector was coming to the house but instead it was actually the new owner who showed up.  And... he and his wife want to keep tenants in the place and rent it out. It's likely they'll raise the rent since they'll have to do a little work to it, but as long as it's modest and reasonable there's absolutely no reason we have to go anywhere. He was really impressed with how nicely we keep the place and I can't imagine they'd want to risk renting it out to someone else who could very well trash it. I can't even BEGIN to tell you what a relief this is.

So... a lot of good, not much bad, and no more ugly.  Just keeping the faith, taking it a day at a time and still marveling at the miracles that happen every time I allow people into my life. You'd think I'd've learned by now that reaching out is a good thing. Maybe this time the lesson will stick.

[galvo]

What a great update! I'm so happy at the improvement.

[okarol]

  Really awesome about your back!
All good, and keeping up with your meetings keeps it real!
Thanks for catching up, hope things stay serene. 

[MaryD]

Excellent news!           

[willowtreewren]

Oh thank you, thank you! This was such a good read! I'm thrilled, dear DD. Onward and upward.

[Jean]

Great News!!!! Very happy for you. Keep up the good work!!!!

[RichardMEL]

Oh DD that sounds much more positive..... fingers crossed this continues!!!

 

[cariad]

This news was a bloody good read. How impossibly stupendous that things have so turned around for you, DD. You've made your own luck, my dear, now enjoy it and long may it last. 

[Angiepkd]

So, so happy to hear some positive news!  Keep on doing what you're doing!  Thanks for the update.  Sending prayers and hugs to you both! 

[cassandra]

     


Great news, keep up the good fight honey

[MooseMom]

Oh, I'm so glad to hear some good news from you, DD.  Some real steps forward!  I'm particularly thrilled that your back problems have abated.  You can get back to some joyful dancing and can think straight now that the pain is gone.  Wonderful!

[CebuShan]