Andy in the hospital

[billybags]

 DD how are things going?  How is Andy doing. These things come to try us at times and frigging try us they do. You will both come through this DD, it may not seem so at the time but we are all thinking and praying for you.  You have both got to be strong and positive. I hope you are looking after your self, how is the eating, if you are the same as me when I am stressed I find it hard, but you should try.Please let us know how you both are. Sending you lots of hugs.

[MaryJoe]

Yes, DD, while I don't want to intrude, I am also concerned.  Please take care of yourself, I'm sure 5 days without dialysis was not one of your better ideas!  You and Andy have been much on my mind.  I hope his treatment is going well, and that you have beenable to get more rest.

  to both you and Andy.

[big777bill]

 I haven't forgotten you my friend. Still praying for you and Andy. Call if you want to talk. I tried to call the other day but the number wasn't working. I'm hoping that Andy will get well soon.

[cassandra]

More hugs, more strength, more love for the both of you
Remember to take care of yourself,

love, Cas

                                 

[YLGuy]

DD, sending this post to let you know that I am thinking of you both.  Hoping and praying for you and Andy.   

[Desert Dancer]

He lied "seven ways from Sunday" to get out of the last facility and they discharged him last Tuesday after only 72 hours. His experience there and the medication they put him on have worsened the situation and he has been steadily deteriorating since then. As long as he is conscious it is a steady stream of "doing it right the next time" and specificity as to method (he'll "remember the heparin next time"). He spent some time trying to convince me to kill myself along with him "because you promised you would" and became very upset when I told him I will NOT follow him because I am not ready to die. He is simultaneously catatonic and agitated. My mother left on Saturday and I am terrified to leave the house. Unfortunately I don't have a choice - I have to be gone for at least three hours on Tuesday for back-to-back appointments and that's just about how long I was gone on the 1st when this all happened. He refuses to make eye contact. He's refusing to eat. He won't leave the house. He broke down and sobbed to my mother because nothing could convince him she hadn't come swooping in to take me away, even though we made the decision together for her to come so he wouldn't have to worry about me dialyzing alone. He thinks this is forever and can't be convinced his depression is lying to him.

I just got back from filing a petition for involuntary commitment. If it is accepted the police will be here in a few hours to pick him up. He is still sleeping as of now. He's generally at his best in the mornings and I'm afraid - no, I KNOW - he's going to lie to them like he lied to the last place. If they only hold him for 72 hours this will all be for nothing and he's not going to forgive me in any case. I'd rather have him angry than dead, even if he leaves me over this. I don't know if I should wake him up or not. I'd like him to be awake when they arrive but I've got no legit excuse to wake him and quite frankly don't want to anyway.

Did I mention our wedding anniversary is tomorrow?

I think this is the hardest thing I've ever done. Even deciding to pull Sofia's ventilator was easier than this.

I am sorry I don't have anything better to report.

[MooseMom]

Oh DD, I can't imagine the heartbreak.

I hate to ask such an impersonal, ignorant question, but has he received a specific diagnosis?  When you talk about how he is depressed, do you mean this in a clinical, diagnostic way or just by way of a lack of any other term?

I hope all goes well today.  I know it will be hard, and I know he will will be angry.  I suspect he may say all sorts of hateful things, and if he does, be strong in the knowledge that your actions are fuelled by love.

I am so sorry this is happening to you.  I am thankful that you have told us what is happening.  I reckon that is not always easy for you, being the private person that you are.  We want to be supportive while at the same time avoid being intrusive.  Forgive us if we come off as the latter.  We just love you and want to help.

[Desert Dancer]

I hate to ask such an impersonal, ignorant question, but has he received a specific diagnosis?  When you talk about how he is depressed, do you mean this in a clinical, diagnostic way or just by way of a lack of any other term?

I hope all goes well today.  I know it will be hard, and I know he will will be angry.  I suspect he may say all sorts of hateful things, and if he does, be strong in the knowledge that your actions are fuelled by love.

I am so sorry this is happening to you.  I am thankful that you have told us what is happening.  I reckon that is not always easy for you, being the private person that you are.  We want to be supportive while at the same time avoid being intrusive.  Forgive us if we come off as the latter.  We just love you and want to help.

The doc who discharged him from the last place diagnosed him with major depressive disorder and chronic anxiety. He prescribed Effexor, which is an anti-depressant (whose main side effect is suicidal thoughts and it makes things much worse before it makes them better); Seroquel (an anti-psychotic used primarily for schizophrenia and bipolar) for sleep, though he stopped taking that on Wednesday because it didn't help him sleep; and Vistiril, an anti-anxiety drug that only seems to make him worse.

This is going to be very, very bad. He's still asleep and I can't get through to the facility where I filed the petition (they told me to call in an hour but they're not answering the phone) and there's just this pit of dread in the center of my stomach waiting for the cops to show up.

I know you care and I don't consider your love, support and questions intrusive at all. Believe me, I have reached out in ways I never thought possible for me, to damn near everyone I've ever known. This is the first time in my life I've ever needed to do that and it is hard. But I need all the brainpower I can draw on to try and help Andy and there's just no way in hell I can manage this on my own. Hard to admit. But I would crawl naked over ground glass to make him well again and protect him and involuntary commitment was the only option I had left. I need a network in place just in case I break, though I'm honestly not sure I'm even able to do that.

Update: he's now awake.

[MooseMom]

Yes, I have heard of those drugs making things worse before they make things better.

We will all be thinking of you and Andy on this very, very difficult day.  Just know that we are all in your corner, and if it is possible for keystrokes on a computer to send you support, then you'll have plenty!  If there is anything at all we can do to help in a more practical way than by just banging away on a laptop, name it.

Good luck today.

[cariad]

I am channeling all of my positive energy toward you during this scary episode, dear friend.

For whatever it's worth, that's what I'm doing.

[Desert Dancer]

The police showed up and took him away 15 minutes ago. Andy was too shocked, I think, to be angry and the police let him smoke a cigarette and brush his teeth before they took him. He went quietly and without anger - when he opened the door and saw me talking to the police I told him what I did - but he told me not to pack anything because he's not staying.

As the petitioner I will get to have my say in front of the judge who will decide to order inpatient treatment (hopefully). I can only hope they realize that patients lie in this situation and I indicated as much on the petition because he did lie at the last place. I also hope they will realize that a spouse of 16 years is a resource they need to use to get to the truth. The doc and social worker at the last place never called me or returned my calls, and Andy had already signed a release of information to me so it wasn't that.

He has no memory of asking me to kill myself. I asked him if he didn't think the memory loss was a symptom that something is very, very wrong. Of course he's not rational enough to answer that question.

Please keep all your fingers and toes crossed. I did everything in my power to get him admitted to a different facility this time; I pray it is better and the docs are a little swifter on the uptake and not taken in by manipulation. They've told me to call back in two hours to speak to his counselor about him signing a release so they can talk to me; I guess that means I should start calling now because it took me two hours of calling this morning before anyone picked up the phone. They're insanely busy over there (absolutely no pun intended).

I am so scared I can't even tell you. I did everything I could. I can't protect him here.

[gothiclovemonkey]

Im really sorry all of this is happening.
some medications not only take a while to work, but some may not be right for him at all. i know a few that actually made me much worse and it was like i was in a trance. i was there, doing things, not remembering doing them, or having a dream like memory of it.

I do have a question, im not assuming anything, but this is reminding me of a situation ive seen, so im sorry if its offensive... but someone i know smoked that legal herb stuff, it goes by many different names, but can be found in a smoke shop, and he completely lost it. I know of another person who also lost his mind when smoking that crap, so if thats a possibility, you might look into it.

 

[cariad]

Thank you for letting us know. I have no doubt that when you need to speak to that judge, the right words will come. Let me know if you want help organizing your argument, or if you're comfortable, post it here for feedback. For now, he's not your responsibility, so it's time to attend to yourself, especially the basics: food, dialysis, sleep.

Oh, by the way.... well done, missus.

[big777bill]

 Bravo to you DD. I'm sure when Andy is thinking clearly again he will see the love it took for you to do what you've had to do. Sometimes it's so hard to understand why life puts such hurdles in front of us.

[Desert Dancer]

I just called and spoke to Andy's former boss (he quit his job 4 days before he attempted suicide). The company is refusing to pay out his 80 hours of vacation time because he didn't give 2 weeks' notice and we needed that money to pay for COBRA coverage. Thankfully he agreed to sit and talk with me privately without even asking the reason.

So I'm going to go over there tomorrow at 10:00 AM to attach my lips to his buttocks and beg him to get those hours paid out. Though I won't say this to him, it IS the very least they can do for Andy.

[gothiclovemonkey]

Since you are going there, you might ask his boss if he's noticed anything, gathering as much info for the judge you can. When my brother (the guy who smoked that crap) lost it, his boss actually is the one that got him into treatment! He was the first to notice a problem, so his boss may also have some insight for you. And possibly, maybe even help your case to help Andy.

[monrein]

Sending you strength and hope and all my best thoughts.  I really think you're doing the only thing that you can DD and as difficult as it is you must protect both of you.   

[Desert Dancer]

Since you are going there, you might ask his boss if he's noticed anything, gathering as much info for the judge you can. When my brother (the guy who smoked that crap) lost it, his boss actually is the one that got him into treatment! He was the first to notice a problem, so his boss may also have some insight for you. And possibly, maybe even help your case to help Andy.

That is a fantastic idea, GLM, and one that hadn't occurred to me. D'oh! You'd think if they'd noticed something that they'd have stopped putting so much pressure on him, but you just don't know. I will make sure I ask him if HE noticed anything and if he's willing to be a witness for me.  I mean, Andy did beg his boss to let him step down from his position a couple-three months ago and his boss talked him into staying in it. That right there shows how desperate he was to get out of that situation. I wish I'd gone to talk to his boss at that time but you know... Mommy going behind his back to fight his battles for him at work, not cool.

He doesn't smoke that 'legal weed' crap; good lord, who the hell knows what's in that stuff? But he does have his Medical Marijuana card (for chronic pain) so he does smoke the real thing, just in the evenings like someone else would have a glass of wine to unwind. I don't think it's working the way it used to because of the new medications he's on and does, in fact, seem to make him worse if he has more than one hit. It might be something else to mention to the facility; I did mention it at the hospital last time but I don't think the info got relayed.

[cariad]

Wow! More hopeful news and more fearlessness from the one and only Desert Dancer. If he could have given 2 weeks notice, he would have, but that was *not* Andy they were seeing at the end, as you know better than anyone. Say whatever you need to, promise whatever you need to, break those promises if that is what must be done in the end.

The boss may have a heart after all. I do give him credit for agreeing to this meeting so easily. Many would be monsters about it just to prove that they could. If he needs to see you grovel, give him his show, then come here so we can tell you what a spectacularly brave individual you are.

Get your game face on, girl. I know you can do this.

[cariad]

Oh, yes, great thinking, glm!  

Here is a bit of psychology that has stuck with me since my classes at uni: there are two techniques for asking for favors that are based in psychological theory, (and they have great titles).

1. "Foot in door" technique. This is when you ask a small favor of someone, and weirdly when we start agreeing to favors, we feel obligated to keep agreeing to more and more, and before you know it, you've promised to put an extension on someone's house or something. I think this is where you are going with the boss, you've asked him to meet, now draw a bit more and a bit more out of him.
 
2. "Door in face" technique. This is when you ask a huge favor of someone - could you direct my kid's school play? for example. Then when the person says no, you ask a smaller favor. OK, I understand. Could I at least ask you to sell refreshments at the performances? People are so relieved that they can appease their own guilt by at least doing *something* for you that they agree to things that they may have said no to initially.

Sorry, this just sparked that memory and I thought it might be a wee bit helpful to consider how most people's minds work.

Good luck! Let us know how the conversation goes!

[willowtreewren]

I'm so glad Andy went peacefully. Oh, dear, dear DD, I know you have your work cut out for you, but I am very, very relieved that you have at least a bit of breathing space. I agree with talking with his boss about any signs of stress that Andy was showing at work. I might even bring up the date...like "since he requested to step down from the last project," or something like that.

I'm sending scads of strength to you. 

Aleta

[Desert Dancer]

I just spoke to Andy's counselor and relayed every last bit of observation I could think of. He was so incredibly receptive and interested in what I had to say! He said he would relay all the information to the doctor and that both he and the doctor would be speaking with Andy very shortly.

I also asked him about Andy signing a release so they can give me information and mentioned Andy might be too angry at me to sign one. Luckily, he told me that since I am the petitioner I pretty much automatically have the right to information about what is going on with him and can call anytime. The counselor said he would call me back later after they had both talked to Andy since it's so incredibly difficult to get through to that facility on the phone.

I flat out told him Andy *IS* going to lie to them and begged them to keep him. We'll see what happens; already it's an improvement over the last place.

[MooseMom]

OK, good.  These are steps in the right direction!

I'm very relieved to hear that you are in line to have access to all pertinent information.  You don't want to have THAT kind of fight on your hands. 

[Darthvadar]

Fingers crossed, DD....

Hope it goes better for you... You could (and probably should) write a book about your experiences...

Thinking of, and praying for you....

Darth...

[monrein]

I feel some of the relief that you must be feeling at the thought that real help might be at hand.  Please know how many of us are thinking of you and standing with you as you negotiate this nightmarish time.