Husband 45 with no dialysis for 6 days-says he's quitting

[cdwbrooklyn]

  and many, many, more.  Stay strong, I really admire your strength. 

[amanda100wilson]

         you are one strong lady , but I do feel that in all of this that you are dealing with with John, that you and your needs are getting lost.  could your family step up to the plate to give you some respite?  it really isn't just about John, it's about you too.

[newgrl]

Johnswife - 

Happy Belated Birthday!       I am so sorry for all that you are going through and I hope you and your family find the peace that you desire soon!

NewGrl

[kporter85db]

I would like to send Johnswife a little birthday gift. Can anyone suggest how I might get her address?

I would also like to suggest that anyone else who is able think about doing the same. What do you think?

[okarol]

Wow it's been over 14 weeks since he had dialysis - I think - was it July 15? 
So hard to fathom.
  I am so sorry about your birthday.  What's with your family???
Please send me your address and we will celebrate!

[Lillupie]

I would like to send Johnswife a little birthday gift. Can anyone suggest how I might get her address?

I would also like to suggest that anyone else who is able think about doing the same. What do you think?

I think thats a great Idea!! You should pm her.

Lisa

[CW]

Hope you guys don't mind but I needed to vent and talk to someone. Well today started out well and optimistic but ended up pretty crappy. John got pretty sick around noon, fell trying to walk very hard and I had a time getting him up. He's 260 and I'm 130 soooo. Anyways he thrower up all evening, couldn't hold anything down and so he went to bed. I didn't get to do tge roof I was going to do because too much going on but the most depressing part of today was I turned 41 ( which I know we should stop counting after 35;) but its as if no one remembered. I know we shouldn't care but it still hurts. Now I can't say no one-a few old friends sent me an email and 3 of my 6 kids remembered. John forgot most of the day but of course that's perfectly understandable. He had a rough day poor thing! But my parents forgot, all my siblings and I have 4. It just feels like a crappy long day and I'm just ready for it to be over.

Sorry but I needed to vent and you guys are like family so thank you for that;)

Happy belated birthday 
Never apologize for venting here my understanding is that the legendary Epoman created this place so we could come and say anything we want! and my experience has been that everyone here understands better that any medical professional or social worker or other non dialysis patient or family member/caregiver.

we dont mind because we have all been there at one time or another

Your husband sound s like one tough SOB and I must say you do too.... People like you make our lives livable ano no matter the outcome of this situation you should be proud of the sacrifice you have made and the exceptional support you have given him...

Happy happy birthday and thank you for being you!

[AnnieB]

    Happy Belated Birthday! There are so many people to whom you and John are so special, you are an inspiration to the rest of us! Thank you...

[johnswife]

Hello Everyone and thank you very much for all the kind words and thoughts. They mean alot to me. John is about the same but no worse so I guess thats a good thing. Just doing alot of vomitting pretty much everything he eats now doesnt stay down over 20-30 minutes and comes right back up. sleep at night is pretty much non-existent but he sleeps very well in the early morning and until after lunch so thats good. I said something this morning that I thought Id share--He said do you know what its like to just WAIT to die. He said the waiting is the hardest part and you know its coming but the waiting is torture. Hes had a few pretty bad heart pains over past 2 days and he says he can tell hes getting closer and just feels like hes being drained a bit more everyday.  And yes he is one tough SOB--I tell you!! strongest man Ive ever known.

 :stressed;now for my big problem of the week--As you all know I have 6 children --3 are grown and 3 girls at home ages 8,10,and 14. Well my 14 year old daughter was sexually abused in the 3rd grade and never got over it. She changed completely but afte a couple years of therepy ect I was hoping she was getting better--I found out the hard way shes not!! SHe has been cutting herself to deal with the pain which I cannot understand or wrap my mind around how that would help with pain. Im scheduling her for another visit to the phsychiatrist but she says the last thing she wants to do is talk about the teacher who abused her and it would make her worse. She has at least 10 cuts on her right now and I dont want to worry john but have no idea of what to do to help my daughter. She is also being bullied at school and says she just wants to die. I take everything she says very seriously so Im terrified for her. She has so much anger built up in her. They didnt convict this teacher by the way even though our daughter wasnt the only victim. There were 3 more and because hes rich and it was a small town he got away with it so that made everything much worse.  I too was abused from age 6-12 by more than one family member but I dont ever remember wanting to hurt myself. I burried it and in my family ever after I told they just swept it under the rug and left it. My parent still speak and have dinners with one of the men who abused me so I dont know. -- I did try suicide at age 16 though and thank the lord I made it through and found john at age 17 and have been with him ever since. I just wanted to know have any of you went through childhood depression or something like this and have any thoughts?? I dont know what to do and would absolutely loose it if something happened to my little Katie.  Id love to kill that man that did this to her!! sicko doesnt deserve to breathe but I know in my heart that he will have his day with the good lord and will get everything that is coming to him. Ive never met up with him after the trial but he wouldnt want this little 130 lb woman to get a hold of him either---Id tear his eyes out and rid the world of one of the many cockroaches claiming to be human. sorry bouth that

by the way my address is po box 3007 somerset, ky 42564

if you all wanted to send a card or any advice. but you really dont need to!!! In years I dont expect or get anything for birthdays from anyone so Im use to it. I got more happy birthdays here than in the past 5 years combined!!  than you all!!!!!

[MomoMcSleepy]

Hi johnswife, thanks for updating us. You moved in the middle of all this? Wow!
Sending you lots of hugs! 

I echo that sentiment.  You need lots of  and rest, too.  God bless you!

[Poppylicious]

Hi Johnswife. So pleased (not convinced that's the right sentiment) to hear that John is soldiering on. Sending you both serene and peaceful vibes.

With regards to your daughter ... like you I have no real understanding of the need to cut oneself (and like you I do fall into the contemporary category of having a reason to do it) but I do work with teenagers who cut themselves (I'm not professionally trained or anything, I just happen to know students who do this to themselves). My gut reaction would be that the fact you know is a good thing. Whether you found out by accident or not, you now know and she knows that you know.  Don't try to understand why she does it, because she probably couldn't vocalise her reasons even if she wanted to. Just be there and let her talk to you about ANYTHING. ANYTHING is capitalised because it is highly probable that she's reverted back into a dark place with John's decline in health and the choice he's made ... she's a hormonal child on the cusp of adulthood and the likelihood is that she's going to lose her dad sooner rather than later. I would lean towards that being the primary reason for her current anger and pain and a visit to the psychologist would probably help with that if she feels unable to talk to anyone else within the family. A professional would be able to advise on strategies as a way of directing the pain away from wanting to hurt herself.

If she's being bullied at school then this needs sorting immediately.  The school needs to know that when she's away from home they're in loco parentis and they need to be safeguarding her welfare; she needs to feel secure and happy at school especially with everything that's going on at home. If the school won't deal with it then take it to the next level.  They'll have a bullying policy in place and they should be following it.  If you're not able to do this yourself can someone do it for you? Are the school aware of the situation (the bullying, the self-harming, John ...)? If not, make them aware so they too can support her through it all.

I really hope that you get through this, together. I doubt she really wants to die so try not to worry about that part too much; I remember telling my mum that I wanted to die and looking back it must have frightened the living daylights out of her, but all I really wanted was somebody to listen to me and cuddle me and make me feel safe.

She seems able to talk to you so let her talk.  Don't ask her leading questions, just allow her to tell you how she's feeling and the reasons why (if she can).  Do you get to have quality time together or is that impossible at the moment? 

Sending you all oodles of *huggles* ...

[jeannea]

I agree. Your daughter talking to you is a good sign. Keep checking in with her. Make sure she knows she can talk to you any time. And try to get her to a counselor. It can help her.

I'm sure it's tough for John waiting to die. I remember before my first transplant just laying on the couch for days. My body knew that I was starting to die. It was something I knew unconsciously. I'm sure it's worse for him. I'm so sorry for you both. His anguish comes through. Peace to you both.

[bevvy5]

If youi possibly, possibly can, get her to some sort of professional counselling.  Our children, one male, one female were molested by a family friend - they both got counselling but our daughter at 30 had to go again when she had her own child.  So it's just something that will have to be dealt with ongoing and while a parent can help as much as they can, they have so much emotional skin in the game, it's difficult.  Add that on top of what you're already dealing with and it's almost unbearable.

Perhaps you could speak to a counsellor together and set some boundaries as to things that she will talk about and things she won't.  At least a professional could probably gauge if she's truly in danger of self-harm other than the cutting.  If she doesn't want to talk about the actual abuse, perhps she can talk about how things are going at home and how she is dealing with everything else.

If you possibly can, get some professional help.

Take care.

[amanda100wilson]

i am so sorry to hear that you havethis to deal with too.  Johnswife, do you think that this is what it is truly about?  she must feel so helpless watching her Daddy go through what he is going through , and that must go for your other children as well.  is there a councillor at school that could talk to her?   could you move her o another school?  this doesn't sound good, I agree.

[Wat76]

Hi johns wife, Glad to her from you. You know it is sad about your daughter, however, the best thing you could possibly do is continue to show your love and support for her,  it's very hard on a person who has been abused. I was in your daughter shoes and hated the world for many many years and felt if I harmed myself, it would make the pain go way, it never does And what I learn is that only time  heal your wounds and time will heal your daughters wounds.  The more you try to stop her And interfere, the more she is going to do it. It's attention seeking. Pray for her And Ask god to give you strength to continue. Even though she knows its wrong and therapy may or maynot help, but she has to open her mind to it. Hang in there, you are a strong woman. Praying for you all

Debra

[cdwbrooklyn]

Hi Johnwife,
I really don't know what to say at this point, all I know is God won't give you more than you can bear.  Trust in the Lord with all your heart; and lean not unto your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths.  There nothing impossible for God to do.  He will not fail you when you ask Him for help.  Just remember, God does not force His Self on anyone.  Believe in Him and He will help you. 
I'm still praying for you and your family. 

[johnswife]

I have an update thats not very good. John went to the hospital last night with blood pressure of 223/134 and was just very sick. They are sending hospice out today and here are his new lap nos. They are incredible being that he is still walking around.

severely anemic--6.5
BUN---103
creatinine--18.5
pottasium--6.5
rbc--2.3
EOS--0.69
EOS %--9.5
calcium 6.8


all very bad numbers I know and he is just so weak and sick today. I will keep you all updated.

[billybags]

johnswife, You are one brave family, I hope it will be over for you very soon. My prayers and tears are with you all.

[jeannea]

I'm glad you're getting help from hospice. They will help you. This is so sad.

[willowtreewren]

I, too, am glad that hospice is now going to be in the picture. You have shouldered so much.

 

I continue to think of you. 

Aleta

[boswife]

Bless your hearts, all of you.  you are held up in all our hearts..... and my prayers are with you 

[Joe]

Keeping you in our thoughts and prayers.

[MommyChick]

Thinking of you as well as sending prayers your way to you & your family!
  

[AnnieB]

  Thinking of you all

[Roxy]

Sending prayers and    . Hoping your family finds peace and keeping you all in my thoughts and prayers.