RANT TIME: I always knew the "answer" but I just never asked, WELL I DID AND..

[okarol]

If I had a resentment for every time my family let me down I'd be in an asylum by now.
I have friends that would walk through fire for me, but my family? Not there, not
gonna be, never was. I somehow accepted it, but it took me a long time. One day a
dear friend said "Why would you go to a dry well for a drink?" and she told me to
fill my self up from the friends who were more committed to me than my family. I
now have a relationship with my mom and siblings, but it's my choice, and if they
behave then we will be fine. But I have no expectations of them anymore. And I
am much healthier than I was when I was wondering why they didn't turn out to be
a loving and supportive family. I know this sounds corny, but friends are the family
we give ourselves. And as far as a kidney donor, there are total strangers that have
shown more interest in Jenna's plight than my own family. That's reality. Thank God
I have friends and people in my life who are loving and generous because they want
to be, no strings attached!

[angieskidney]

If I had a resentment for every time my family let me down I'd be in an asylum by now.
I have friends that would walk through fire for me, but my family? Not there, not
gonna be, never was. I somehow accepted it, but it took me a long time. One day a
dear friend said "Why would you go to a dry well for a drink?" and she told me to
fill my self up from the friends who were more committed to me than my family. I
now have a relationship with my mom and siblings, but it's my choice, and if they
behave then we will be fine. But I have no expectations of them anymore. And I
am much healthier than I was when I was wondering why they didn't turn out to be
a loving and supportive family. I know this sounds corny, but friends are the family
we give ourselves. And as far as a kidney donor, there are total strangers that have
shown more interest in Jenna's plight than my own family. That's reality. Thank God
I have friends and people in my life who are loving and generous because they want
to be, no strings attached!

That is so much like my life!!!!!

As Sandman knows, my mom had disowned me for over a year (and my friends would ask "how can a mother do that to her own child especially a sick one??"). When I was in the hospital last year for 6 weeks my mom finally came to visit toward the end. Now she talks to me again but it is just how things are. When I hug my family it is my own attempt for closeness but really it is more of a "supposed to do" with family. There never was a real closeness and I grew up sick with no emotional support WHAT SO EVER and honestly felt that my family resented me and wished I was never born. My brothers felt I paved the way for them in school to be MADE FUN OF because I was not popular but was known as the sick weak quiet kid that had no friends. My dad only calls when he wants something or to show off to one of his many girlfriends and my brothers never call or EVER come visit. I have to take a bus to visit them instead because they can't be bothered. The only family member that COULD donate (the only perfectly healthy one) won't because he is too afraid of ending up like me and is in denial. We have never talked about live donation because I just don't think he could handle it. I can't ask him because even though my other brother has pushed him to do it my mom says no to because he is scared and it wouldn't be fair to bring it up.

I can understand how Epoman feels. But I have learned not to expect a live kidney from anyone.

But I also know what Karol is talking about because I have had friends offer where family WON'T!!

[Epoman]

 

Well, time for an update, and I guess a chance for me to rant a bit. It has now been over 60+ days and I am still waiting for that phone call from my brother. It's amazing how, I feel more love from goofynina than my own brother who I've know his whole life of 23 years. I guess what bothers me the most is the "not knowing why?" factor. Does he literally just not care enough about my feelings? Over 2 months have passed and you guys can't use the "he's scared" excuse for him, since 2 months is plenty of time for it to sink in. Thanksgiving has even come and gone and not one word, to me or his nephew (my son). I guess the true test is coming by the end of this week. If he doesn't call by Christmas than I suppose he won't ever call and will prove to me he is a cold calous asshole, and when that time comes, I will begin the process of emotionally detaching myself from him and consider him dead in my book forever.

- Epoman

[Sluff]

You have a lot of Brothers here.

[nextnoel]

Remember, guys, FRIENDS ARE GOD'S WAY OF APOLOGIZING FOR FAMILIES.

I'm sorry your families are coming up so miserably short; it breaks my heart to hear of the pain they're causing you.  Physical pain is bad enough, but at least that doesn't feel personal. 

I don't have disease-related let-downs from my family, but I can understand how hurt you must be.  My parents desperately wanted children, and after multiple miscarriages, adopted a baby boy (in 1945, when the process was worse than today).  After they were approved for the adoption, my mom got pregnant with me, and having had numerous miscarriages, she wasn't expecting success with the pregnancy.  I was born 2 months premature, but I survived.  The result was that all of a sudden, now my folks had 2 very young babies  My mother couldn't handle 2 babies at the same time (it turned out she found out she didn't like children!), and they had worked so hard to get my brother, who could still have been taken away from them during the long probationary time that adoption required in those days, so I was raised by my grandparents.  We all lived in the same town (that was painful in SO many ways), and the whole extended family celebrated the big holidays together, but all that did was ruin holidays for me.  We would celebrate with a big holiday meal and a day of all of us being so happy with each other, one big Norman Rockwell portrait, and then as the day wound down and the holiday came to an end, my brother and parents would leave and go back to their home, leaving me behind.  I always thought, in my childish way, that if I was good/pretty/smart/hard-working/talented/kind/etc. enough, they'd take me with them, but they never did.

To make a long story short, my brother wasn't happy either, left home at 18, moved as far away as he could, and didn't come home for about 20 years, and then only for very brief and rare visits.  He and I eventually ended up as great friends, because we had in common such a weird childhood, and only we two could understand what the other had been through (my parents weren't good for him, either).  He died 6 years ago. 

My father remarried when I was 22, and he and my stepmother were excellent grandparents to my daughter, and I got to know him through his relationship with her; I always considered his love and support of her a loving gift to me.  In the last few years, my 88-year-old mother and I have made peace with the past - I'm just thankful God kept us alive long enough for that to happen.  She lives some distance away from me, and I visit about every 6 weeks (down and back on the same day - it doesn't work otherwise), and I phone her every day.  She still drives me nuts sometimes, but I have come to understand things about her life I couldn't have before, and we have a strong friendship.  We will never be a normal mother-and-daughter, and I finally learned not to expect that of us, but we are friends, and I am thankful for that. 

And I did finally have have a tremendous, loving, deeply satisfying mother-daughter relationship - it's with my own daughter!

Sorry to be so long winded, but your stories touched my heart, and while I usually keep my painful family story private, I couldn't this time! 

[goofynina]

Thank you for sharing that with us Nextnoel,  sometimes it helps to let it out, i am sure we all have something in our past that hangs over our head, Lord knows i do, and hopefully with time, i will eventually be able to share it as well but its hard to think about.  Your story has inspired me though.  Thank you and i believe you are an awesome mom and i am so glad you have joined us here at IHD.  Keep on Keepin' on my friend...

[nextnoel]

Awww, you're sweet!  I was feeling a bit guilty about unloading my story, and now with your kind comments, I do feel much better!  THANK YOU SO MUCH!   

[Sluff]

Thank you for sharing your story mine is similar in that my childhood was troubled with my Fathers drinking.. but through the years we made amends and actually became best friends until he died in 2001. I too am so thankful of the opportunity to be at peace with eachother before his death. I was blessed in knowing when he was dieing as well so I had the excellent opportunity to say goodbye.  enough of that...

Thanks for your story.

[angieskidney]

Noel thank you for that! Your story was so moving and I am glad you went into detail!

[paris]

Sluff and Nextnoel - we are kindred spirits.  My story isn't the same but same type of problems. Oldest brother ran away at 18, we "found" him 36 years later and he wanted nothing to do with us--still.  Oldest sister moved as far away as she could and speaks to no one. She actually came to Mom's funeral (the brother didn't) but she wouldn't talk to any of us. Weird!!  My youngest sister wants nothing to do with me because I have a real disease and she is a hypercondriact  (that isn't spelled right!)-- she can have ESRD  take it please!!!!  But, my youngest brother and I are extremely close. I raised him and we have great love and respect for each other. My mother gave him a oneway ticket to Austrailia when he was 17!  Nothing against Austrailia and he loved it there, but what was she thinking?  She didn't know how to raise sons.  I am fortunate to have wonderful friends. My motto "friends are our chosen family".  My children are all very close and do everything together. They have the same interests and enjoy each others company. We learn from our past how we want our future to be. I wanted a close family, so I worked very hard for that to happen.      Epoman, you have more people here who love you than most people have in a lifetime. 

[nextnoel]

Paris, I'm sorry to hear you had a difficult family, but I'm glad you've handled it so well!

Kudos 

[Sluff]

Paris, You have us.

[goofynina]

Paris, You have us.

You got that right!!  We will always be here for you 

[paris]

That is why I am trying to be more open and share more of myself. I am usually very private, but as time goes on, I know more and more that this is a safe place to come.

[paris]

And the story continues -- youngest sister's husband has some liver problems so she is now telling everyone he needs a liver transplant and she is worried because "who will take care of her?".  I figured she would have to come up with something. She really has wanted something worse than ESRD so they can be the sickest. Well, let me tell you, she's sick alright!!!  But, she isn't very worried about her husband; just about who will pay the bills and clean the house.  I don't deal well with lazy people, especially when I see people here with huge problems and they continue to have a full, rewarding life (ie. Epoman).   Let me just say, if I had a healthy kidney, Epoman, you could have it! I admire how dedicated you are, how you handle yourself, your a wonderful father, and even though life through you a big curve, you are enjoying life and LIVING.   

[Epoman]

And the story continues -- youngest sister's husband has some liver problems so she is now telling everyone he needs a liver transplant and she is worried because "who will take care of her?".  I figured she would have to come up with something. She really has wanted something worse than ESRD so they can be the sickest. Well, let me tell you, she's sick alright!!!  But, she isn't very worried about her husband; just about who will pay the bills and clean the house.  I don't deal well with lazy people, especially when I see people here with huge problems and they continue to have a full, rewarding life (ie. Epoman).   Let me just say, if I had a healthy kidney, Epoman, you could have it! I admire how dedicated you are, how you handle yourself, your a wonderful father, and even though life through you a big curve, you are enjoying life and LIVING.   

Thank you for the kind words, I do try to fight, but honestly sometimes I just get very depressed. But I continue to fight not so much for myself but for my family. 

[Sluff]

One of the big things that make me so proud of Epoman and this site is the fact that this disease has not shut you( Epoman) down, and that despite the problems that you were handed you found away to help others. Most people given the amount of adversity that you have had, would have given up or just been angry at life.

It takes one hell of a person to continue forward motion with the intensity that you have shown.

Epowife and Epokid are very blessed to have you in their life, and I'm sure through everything it hasn't been easy.

Thanks to Epowife and Epokid for sharing your Husband and Dad with us.

[glitter]

One of the big things that make me so proud of Epoman and this site is the fact that this disease has not shut you( Epoman) down, and that despite the problems that you were handed you found away to help others. Most people given the amount of adversity that you have had, would have given up or just been angry at life.

It takes one hell of a person to continue forward motion with the intensity that you have shown.

Epowife and Epokid are very blessed to have you in their life, and I'm sure through everything it hasn't been easy.

Thanks to Epowife and Epokid for sharing your Husband and Dad with us.

Amen..

[angieskidney]

One of the big things that make me so proud of Epoman and this site is the fact that this disease has not shut you( Epoman) down, and that despite the problems that you were handed you found away to help others. Most people given the amount of adversity that you have had, would have given up or just been angry at life.

It takes one hell of a person to continue forward motion with the intensity that you have shown.

Epowife and Epokid are very blessed to have you in their life, and I'm sure through everything it hasn't been easy.

Thanks to Epowife and Epokid for sharing your Husband and Dad with us.

That is so true. With his story I have realized that I have nothing to complain about. He has turned adversity into something even larger than himself to help the whole renal community. He doesn't sit there and feel sorry for himself that he is in a wheelchair and that he has to stick needles into his arm most of the week. He takes each challenge at every step and because of his attitude he is a taller man than most of the people in the world.

Sorry .. I am not sucking up. I just have been learning a lot from the people of this site and wanted to give my thanks. Even though your brother isn't giving you a kidney Epoman, you talk about it here and help others who's family turns away from that question. Thanks for sharing your life and experiences without making it all about yourself. 

[Sluff]

It's amazing how the people who you think would come through and be there for you when they are needed, hide in the tree's but you can take a perfect stranger, and he would give his shirt off his back for you.

Food for thought.

[mrhecht]

I'm coming to this thread late but all the posts echo so much of what I've been trying to deal with emotionally in regards to my family. I have 3 sisters and a brother. In 1992, when I had been on dialysis for 3 yrs, I got on the transplant list and wrote my family a letter detailing all the stats, etc available then about the benefits of LRD and would any of them consider just finding out more about being a donor. I didn't even ask for a commitment, just would they like to have some more info. Out of 4 siblings, only 1 sister responded with a phone call to me and an explanation of why she felt that she couldn't be a donor as her husband had been diagnosed with PKD and may someday need a kidney form her or possibly one of her sons (her husband started dialysis last yr). Anyway, I was devastated that no one else ever responded. My brother's wife was a KIDNEY TRANSPLANT COORDINATOR in Texas at the time! No response. While I am still close to my family in every other way and they have been very supportive & helpful with my daughter when we moved back to Texas and she was so young (now 22) a part of me carries that hurt and it is still so raw that even writing this it makes me cry. I understand the fear that donors have, but a non-response is so hurtful and there's just no excuse for it.

Now that I am back on the list, my brother-in-law (the one now on dialysis, also on the list, too) is encourgaing me to write another letter. I don't know if I can do it. I have a good relationship with everyone and even when you think that if they say no, it won't change the way I feel, I'm afraid it would for me. Yes I would still love them, but what if no one responded again. What if that hurt is made so new to me again. They all KNOW I'm on the list. They've all heard me talk about the statistics when they ask me "how long do you think you'll wait?" and I always reply that since I'm O+, my wait will be the longest when what I REALLY want to say is "I might not have to wait at ALL if you'd get your head out of your ass & quit pretending like you don't know there's any other way for me to have a kidney!"

[Epoman]

You have a lot of Brothers here.

Thanks sluff, I believe you. 

[Epoman]

Well, time for an update, and I guess a chance for me to rant a bit. It has now been over 60+ days and I am still waiting for that phone call from my brother. It's amazing how, I feel more love from goofynina than my own brother who I've know his whole life of 23 years. I guess what bothers me the most is the "not knowing why?" factor. Does he literally just not care enough about my feelings? Over 2 months have passed and you guys can't use the "he's scared" excuse for him, since 2 months is plenty of time for it to sink in. Thanksgiving has even come and gone and not one word, to me or his nephew (my son). I guess the true test is coming by the end of this week. If he doesn't call by Christmas than I suppose he won't ever call and will prove to me he is a cold callous asshole, and when that time comes, I will begin the process of emotionally detaching myself from him and consider him dead in my book forever.

- Epoman

Well Christmas came and passed and so did the new year, so I guess I will do what I said and start detaching myself from him emotionally. I thought there might have been a ray of hope however when my dad called and said that my brother had called him to come pick up a present for Nick (my son). So my brother bought my son a Christmas present but didn't call or get me and my wife anything. I had a present for him just in case he came by or called but, nope. So I will just start to close this chapter in my life, I guess the most hurtful part is the "not knowing why" had I known this would have happened I would have never asked in the first place or maybe I would have thinking that there's no way he would react that way. Oh well, I won't be updating this thread anymore unless someone asks in the future if he ever contacted me eventually, or if he finally does grow a pair of balls and becomes man enough to confront me, then I will update and let everyone know the outcome.

For those that are wondering, YES of course I let my son have the gift, it was a nice "Radio Controlled Truck" my son loved it and I am hesitant to do as my wife asked and have my son send a thank you note, I already told him he couldn't call and say thanks. Because I don't want my brother thinking I am using my son to get him to talk to me. I know, I know, what kind of example is that for my son, well I give him plenty of other "good" examples to over power this bad example I am setting this time. And please don't tell me that my brother was using the present for my son as an excuse to get our relationship back in order, my brother is not that creative, plus why would he have my dad come pick it up instead of calling my son on his cell phone (yes, he has his own cell phone) or drop it off himself to my son.

On a side note I just wanted to add, that I was amazed when my dad told me my brother got my dad a very expensive bottle of men's cologne and another gift for Christmas, since my dad really didn't give a crap about my brother even when my brother was homeless, not even giving him a place to live while he got on his feet. I however took my brother in and gave him a place to stay for awhile as got his life in order.

- Epoman
Brotherless

[Epoman]

Sluff's reply and the replies that followed has been split into a separate thread, since it went off-topic. Here is a link:

Here is the new subject of that new thread: "My sister drove 200 miles round trip to leave Christmas presents on my front porch."

http://ihatedialysis.com/forum/index.php?topic=2210.0

Also it was moved to Off-Topic.

- Epoman
Owner/Admin

[Ohio Buckeye]

I'm sorry Epoman.