RANT TIME: I always knew the "answer" but I just never asked, WELL I DID AND..

[Epoman]

12 days and counting and still no phone call. One of my friends told me I just need to face the facts, that he doesn't love me as much as I love him and I believe he is right. I would never do anything like this to my brother.

Oh well......

[jbeany]

Sounds like good advice from your friend, Epoman. 

I hope you don't cut him out of your life for good, though.  Family is still important, no matter how screwed up they are.  Unfortunately, emotional wounds hurt so much more than the physical ones. Your altered relationship with your brother is going to be one more bit of "new normal" to get used to in a long string of adjustments to being chronically ill. 

Sometimes it feels to me like I'm chained to my illness like a dog staked in the yard.  I can only run in circles in the same spot, with my illness in the middle, holding me back.  Every wound and problem,  physical or emotional, takes another link out of the chain; leaving me with less room to get away from being sick.

So, I hope this mess with your brother doesn't yank your chain for too long. . .

[angieskidney]

12 days and counting and still no phone call. One of my friends told me I just need to face the facts, that he doesn't love me as much as I love him and I believe he is right. I would never do anything like this to my brother.

Oh well......

Don't listen to people who say your brother does NOT love you! You don't know what is in your brothers head until he opens up! But you can NEVER ASSume! It makes an ass out of you and .. well you know how the saying goes right?

Just realize that your brother is NOT an option for a kidney at this time. Move on but don't ever think your brother doesn't love you until the day he says that .. and even then that might not even be true!

But right now all you can count on is YOU and your immediate family (wife and son)!

[Sara]

12 days and counting and still no phone call. One of my friends told me I just need to face the facts, that he doesn't love me as much as I love him and I believe he is right. I would never do anything like this to my brother.

Oh well......

Don't listen to people who say your brother does NOT love you! You don't know what is in your brothers head until he opens up! But you can NEVER ASSume! It makes an ass out of you and .. well you know how the saying goes right?

Just realize that your brother is NOT an option for a kidney at this time. Move on but don't ever think your brother doesn't love you until the day he says that .. and even then that might not even be true!

But right now all you can count on is YOU and your immediate family (wife and son)!

Exactly, I agree!  I still stand by my opinion that he is probably scared to call since he knows he acted like an ass.  I'd bet $$ that if Epoman called him and said what I suggested that he'd talk to him.  The brother IS still being an ass though, but lots of family members are.

[kitkatz]

It's too bad when family member you love act like asses.  It seems to really hurt the heart.  I think Epoman got a real nasty surprise when he talked to his brother. I know you know family is important.  Give it time and be patient.  Since he is not talking to you now, you will have plenty of time to wait him out.

[kidney96]

OK....This is driving me crazy .....Did you all notice the beginning of the title of this posting...It is called RANT TIME.

I would be angry if my brother did not give me an answer.  Silence is a killer.  A cowards way out.  I asked my brother (very badly by the way) and told him that yes or no, I would be fine with it.  He said he would think about it and he did for a year.  He was home for college for Thanksgiving (appropriate, don't you think?) and said "So, are we going to do this kidney thing, or what?"  Anyway, my story turned out well.

Stop judging.  Yes, in person may have been better for some, but how many times does Epoman have to explain that by phone is the way THEY communicate.  Everyone is different.

I probably would not call back either.  At least not now.  He said he would call you.  But with time who knows what will happen.  Who will call who.  That is nobody's business, but those involved.  As the eternal optimist, I hope the brother has the courage to call and give his answer whatever it may be.  Then maybe we can mend fences, but it will take time.  

This is a hard one.  We are friends here.  Let us keep this forum as a safe haven to rant and rid ourselves of some anger.  I certainly don't want to be judged.  

Please notice that I am not picking on anyone specifically.  I am responding to all postings as a whole.

The situation sucks, Epoman.  I hope your brother has the balls to call you.

That is the end of my rant....

~A

[vandie]

OK....This is driving me crazy .....Did you all notice the beginning of the title of this posting...It is called RANT TIME.

I would be angry if my brother did not give me an answer.  Silence is a killer.  A cowards way out.  I asked my brother (very badly by the way) and told him that yes or no, I would be fine with it.  He said he would think about it and he did for a year.  He was home for college for Thanksgiving (appropriate, don't you think?) and said "So, are we going to do this kidney thing, or what?"  Anyway, my story turned out well.

Stop judging.  Yes, in person may have been better for some, but how many times does Epoman have to explain that by phone is the way THEY communicate.  Everyone is different.

I probably would not call back either.  At least not now.  He said he would call you.  But with time who knows what will happen.  Who will call who.  That is nobody's business, but those involved.  As the eternal optimist, I hope the brother has the courage to call and give his answer whatever it may be.  Then maybe we can mend fences, but it will take time.  

This is a hard one.  We are friends here.  Let us keep this forum as a safe haven to rant and rid ourselves of some anger.  I certainly don't want to be judged.  

Please notice that I am not picking on anyone specifically.  I am responding to all postings as a whole.

The situation sucks, Epoman.  I hope your brother has the balls to call you.

That is the end of my rant....

~A

This is what this board is for.  If you rant, we try to help.  We give our opinion, and we have a lot of different opinions.  I don't think people were judging, I think they were giving opinions.  You are right, we are all friends here, and friendly disagreement is part of what makes this forum so fantastic.   

[Rerun]

OK....This is driving me crazy .....Did you all notice the beginning of the title of this posting...It is called RANT TIME.

I would be angry if my brother did not give me an answer.  Silence is a killer.  A cowards way out.  I asked my brother (very badly by the way) and told him that yes or no, I would be fine with it.  He said he would think about it and he did for a year.  He was home for college for Thanksgiving (appropriate, don't you think?) and said "So, are we going to do this kidney thing, or what?"  Anyway, my story turned out well.

Stop judging.  Yes, in person may have been better for some, but how many times does Epoman have to explain that by phone is the way THEY communicate.  Everyone is different.

I probably would not call back either.  At least not now.  He said he would call you.  But with time who knows what will happen.  Who will call who.  That is nobody's business, but those involved.  As the eternal optimist, I hope the brother has the courage to call and give his answer whatever it may be.  Then maybe we can mend fences, but it will take time. 

This is a hard one.  We are friends here.  Let us keep this forum as a safe haven to rant and rid ourselves of some anger.  I certainly don't want to be judged. 

Please notice that I am not picking on anyone specifically.  I am responding to all postings as a whole.

The situation sucks, Epoman.  I hope your brother has the balls to call you.

That is the end of my rant....

~A

If you post it here.....it is our business.  That is what this forum is.  You don't want to hear our opinion or what we perceive as the truth then don't post here.  Judging is sentensing someone.  We are not doing that.  With all opinions out there you can take or leave advice.

[kidney96]

Point taken.  Maybe judging was too strong of a word.  I certainly was not suggesting anyone was sentencing another.  Maybe I was frustrated for the writer having to repeat himself/his opinion from previous postings.

Let's get back to the discussion.

[angieskidney]

Point taken.  Maybe judging was too strong of a word.  I certainly was not suggesting anyone was sentencing another.  Maybe I was frustrated for the writer having to repeat himself/his opinion from previous postings.

Let's get back to the discussion.

If you read throughout the forums you will see he repeats himself a lot since there are so many new members on a daily  basis

But ya we are like family here! We all care about Epoman and want to be supportive with advice and all

[sandman]

Point taken.  Maybe judging was too strong of a word.  I certainly was not suggesting anyone was sentencing another.  Maybe I was frustrated for the writer having to repeat himself/his opinion from previous postings.

Let's get back to the discussion.

If you read throughout the forums you will see he repeats himself a lot since there are so many new members on a daily  basis

But ya we are like family here! We all care about Epoman and want to be supportive with advice and all

This is true also.  Even people like me care enough to lend a sympathetic ear and try to help.  Even though it is hard for me to fully understand, I can still listen and provide support when I can.

[Amanda From OZ]

Hey EPOMAN,

I'm sorry to hear about your situation, i could only imagine how hard it is for you. I have some family also who should in my eyes of offered me help, but they didn't. And it gives you a bring wake up call of who really loves and cares for you.

I hope your brother comes to his senses. 

Amanda

[Epoman]

Well 17 days and still counting, and still NO phone call, nice huh?

[kitkatz]

Maybe he put his cell phone in a shark tank and can't get to it?
Maybe he lost his phone?
Maybe he got lost?
Maybe his brain got lost between reality and your phone number?
Maybe he is just a jerk!

[jbeany]

Actually, kitkatz, I know a lot of people with brains that get lost anytime they get anywhere near reality!

No words of wisdom, epoman.  I'd have wrung his neck by now if he was related to me.

[Epoman]

Maybe he put his cell phone in a shark tank and can't get to it?
Maybe he lost his phone?
Maybe he got lost?
Maybe his brain got lost between reality and your phone number?
Maybe he is just a jerk!

DING, DING, DING, WE HAVE A WINNER JOHNNY!

I just can't believe this shit, It's actually COLD-BLOODED. This is beyond him being scared, or confused. I am going to PAY "Sluff" to ride over here and teach him what a "BROTHER" means. He can keep his kidney, but at least he can talk to me, DAMN.

[Fighter]

I feel for you Epoman. I think the peculiar situation that potential organ donors have to face reveals their true courage. Though my case is not similar to yours it got me thinking of a parallel for a while: last year when I learned that I would have to be on long term dialysis my mother immediately offered to give me a kidney. My sister was in the US at the time, but she called me once I was out of the hospital and told me she would also offer me a kidney without hesitation and that she was ready to fly back to Belgium to do so. A few weeks later during a conversation with a close friend of mine he asked me what my blood type was and since his matched mine he also offered me a kidney! I have to say I felt overjoyed on these three occasions, and even though I ended up refusing all these offers, I felt a new wave of optimism and happiness thanks to the selflessness that these three had displayed and their generosity towards me.

I never really thought about it much at the time but I also have two brothers who have the same blood type and they didn't offer me a kidney. In the case of my little brother, I kept him in the dark a little bit about the finer details of my disease so I'm not sure he understands that he's a potential donor. But my older brother is well aware, and although I never asked anyone for a kidney at any point, three people came forward spontaneously while he kept his mouth shut. It's irrelevant now - I feel good on dialysis and I don't want to 'vampirize' my family for the sake of avoiding a few dozen more dialysis sessions. But I wonder what would have happened if I had phoned him at some point with the same question Epoman had for his brother. I guess he would think about it and eventually he would do it. Or I'm hoping he would. Who knows?

[Fighter]

BTW Epoman, I was just thinking, isn't your brother aware of this site?

If so, don't you think he might have actually... read this thread???

[Epoman]

BTW Epoman, I was just thinking, isn't your brother aware of this site?

If so, don't you think he might have actually... read this thread???

Hi Fighter, yes he is aware of this site but even before all this, he never went to the site. He doesn't have a computer at his house or work, but still, I don't care if he does see this thread I have done nothing wrong. 21 days have passed now, 3 weeks and not one phone call. However a friend of mine saw him at the mall laughing and talking on his cell phone, so he had the time to call someone.

[Fox_nc]

Ok - I caught this thread a little late in the game, but after reading all 4 pages, I thought I would add my 

First - My sister and I went through a stubborn fight that lead to dead silence for over 3 years.  For my entire lifetime I was always the one who called her after she hung up on me and after so many years I was sick and tired of it. We talk now that I'm sick again, but I don't feel bad about the 3 years we didn't speak.  I have principles and I'm not sorry I stood up for myself.  And you shouldn't either.

Second. - If you and your brother do begin to speak, and you feel like you want to bring it up again . . . Maybe if his problem is concerns for his own health it would help to talk to someone who has donated in the past.  I will gladly offer up my mother to talk to him.  It was a little rough at first, which she expected since they told her it would be like being hit by a train (because she was healthy)  But after her in ital recovery she was good as new.  She even party's a little bit    It couldn't have been that bad since she offered to give me her other one now.

Don't give up and don't give in!

[angieskidney]

Very good advice Fox! 

[okarol]

... still no word from your bro, I guess, or you would have said...
well, your bro and the upcoming holiday both make me think of... TURKEY.

[Epoman]

... still no word from your bro, I guess, or you would have said...
well, your bro and the upcoming holiday both make me think of... TURKEY.

Nope, and today is the 1 month Anniversary of him basically telling me to "p*ck Off". He hasn't called me in 30 days. Well at least I will have more leftovers this year. 

[Epoman]

Well I would like to just update you all in case anyone of you were wondering. Over 40 days have passed and also "Thanksgiving" has come and gone and my brother did not call me. Please, please, please do not reply here telling me to call him, if you have read this entire thread you will know why I won't call him first.

[RichardMEL]

I've come to this thread late.

This is a distressing situation for all involved I am sure.

I wonder though, if he is 23 he is still relatively young. and perhaps has different priorities for HIMSELF. Perhaps also no matter how many times he has seen you suffering over 13+ years maybe part of him thinks "well it's OK, he's dealing.. he's been on it so long he can wait for a transplant from someone else" - note, I obviously don't know him and am hesitant to put words in his mouth (despite what I just wrote!). I don't know.

The main points I wanted to make in responding is a little off topic but I think still relevant to this thread.

I have been to a few transplant seminars here, education sessions and the like. One of the main things they have stressed, along with my Neph, is that one of the things you *shouldn't* do is ASK about it or put pressure on someone to donate. Please note, I am just relating what I have been told down here by people and not trying to suggest what Epoman has done is wrong or anything like that. Given the background I have had with a lot of stress on waiting for the donor to make the move rather than asking etc, this is why I find this thread interesting.

Personally this relates to me as follows: I have a brother and a sister. My sister is the same blood group and my brother isn't. Clearly they would be the best matches for me (my mother has passed away and was too sick to donate as much as she wanted, and my father is also unwell and a different group). So, my sister, the most obvious match appears scared to donate. It has come up in conversatin once or twice, and I have felt quite uncomfortable and had to tread carefully (given the advice given to me as above). She's asked a few questions and I've answered, but there's no way I could (or would) come out and ask "Well, will you donate or not?" simply because I would feel like I was putting pressure on to say yes, no, or otherwise... and then it's kind of implied that "if you don't want to donate you must not love me as much as you should" (or similar). I am not quite sure what her issue is and obviously I can't talk to her about it - I have no idea if anyone else has. Conversely my brother just last week went and saw my Neph and spent an hour discussing options for transplant - he seems very keen (and all I could pathetically say was "thank you so much for insigating this and willing to persue it" and I felt like that was so crappy like I couldn't express my surprise and happiness that at least he was willing to give it a go, even though the cross blood group could really cause problems.. Anyway they are doing tissue typing this week I believe to see...).

My understanding of how the general transplant process here goes, and not sure about the US or anywhere else, is apart from all the various medical tests you need to have. is that both parties also have a psych assessment to determine that there's no coersion going on and that the wish to donate etc is genuine and that they are aware of the risks to themselves AND the recipient, and so on.

Anyway back to Epoman... please don't take the above as me bashing you for being so direct with your brother - I can SO understand the frustration you would have have wondering for so long "why doesn't he offer?" or even "Why doesn't he say anything?" and then his reaction is puzzling... though in  a way he was put on the spot and to me, reading your story, when he said "I don't know what to say" says to me anyway something like "I don't feel confident to say no, despite you saying you will love me no matter what, because that imlplies that I'm not a good loving brother if I *do* say no.. but I don't want to say yes because of [insert whatever his reason/s are]"... Again I don't know, but that is a thought.

A difficult situation and I hope you get a positive surprise sometime soon. You never know what might be going through someone's head unless they tell you.