-=- THE OFFICIAL I HATE DIALYSIS.COM JOKE THREAD -=- (Bold type please!)

[paddbear0000]

HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLD AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE.
   
George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi , was going up to bed, when his
wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see
from the bedroom window.
George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were
people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked 'Is someone in your house?'

He said 'No.' Then they said 'All  patrols were busy! You should lock your
doors and an officer will be along when one is available.'
George said, 'Okay' He hung up the phone and counted to 30.

Then he phoned the police again.  'Hello, I just called you a few seconds
ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you
don't have to worry about them now because I just shot them' and he hung up.

Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire
Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips'
residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George, 'I thought you said that you'd shot
them!' George said, 'I thought you said there was nobody available!'

Moral of the story: Don't mess with old people.

[paul.karen]

 
Good one Padd





How do you make a hormone??


Dont pay her

[willieandwinnie]

HOW IS NORMA?......

A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph 's Hospital.
She timidly asked,
'Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?'
The operator said, 'I'll be glad to help, dear.
What's the name and room number?'
The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said,
'Norma Findlay Room 302.'
The operator replied, 'Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse
 After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and
said, 'Oh, I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing very well.
Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal, and
Her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged on Tuesday.'
 The grandmother said, 'Thank you. That's wonderful!
I was so worried! God bless you for the good news.'
 The operator replied, 'You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?'
 The grandmother said, 'No, I'm Norma Findlay in 302. No one tells me shit.'

[cat]

Two blondes were sitting at the end of the bar having a drink.  The bartender noticed that every so often they would raise their glasses to each other and give a shout of victory.  Finally, the bartender’s curiosity got the better of him and he approached the young ladies.  He asked them, “What are you celebrating?”  The first blonde replied, “We just finished a jigsaw puzzle!”  Confused, the bartender asked, “Why is that so amazing?”  The second blonde responded, “Well, it only took us six months to complete it!”  “Why is that so amazing?” repeated the bartender.  The first blonde replied, “The box said ‘3 to 6 years’!”

[paul.karen]

 

[cat]

Little Known Facts

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it!)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(O.M.G !)

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)
(I'm still not over the pig.)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour
(Don't try this at home, maybe at work)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off. (Honey, I'm home. What the...?!)

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes. Lucky pig! Can you imagine?)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life ...quality over quantity)

Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmmm......)

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(Okay, so that would be a good thing)

A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains
(I know some people like that too.)

Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig??)

[cat]

Father Murphy was a very poor priest in a very poor parish and he needed money. He went to a horse auction and bought an animal to enter in a local race, but the animal turned out to be a donkey. Still, Father Murphy took it as God's will and entered the donkey in the race anyway. The donkey came in third and the next day the newspaper said, "FATHER MURPHY'S ASS SHOWS!"  Encouraged, Father Murphy entered the donkey in another race. The donkey came in first and the next day papers said, "FATHER MURPHY'S ASS OUT IN FRONT!"  He entered the animal in yet another race. This time it came in second and the papers read, "FATHER MURPHY'S ASS BACK IN PLACE!".

The archbishop heard of the priest's activities and decided the church didn't approve of gambling. He ordered Father Murphy to pull the donkey out of all future races. The papers announced, "ARCHBISHOP SCRATCHES FATHER MURPHY'S ASS!"

[Wenchie58]

Walking can add minutes to your life.
This enables you at 85 years old to spend
an additional 5 months in a nursing
home at $7000 per month.
*****************************************

My grandpa started walking
five miles a day when he was 60..
Now he's 97 years old
and we don't know where the hell he is.
*******************************************
I like long walks,
especially when they are taken
by people who annoy me.

*******************************************
The only reason I would take up walking
is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
********************************************
I have to walk early in the morning,
before my brain figures out what I'm doing..
********************************************
I joined a health club last year,
spent about 400  bucks.
Haven't lost a pound.
Apparently you have to go there.
*******************************************
Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise',
I wash my mouth out with chocolate.
********************************************
I do have flabby thighs,
but fortunately my stomach covers them.
******************************************
The advantage of exercising every day
is so when you die, they'll say,
'Well, he looks good doesn't he.'
********************************************
If you are going to try cross-country skiing,
start with a small country.
********************************************
I know I got a  lot of exercise
the last few years,.......
just getting over the hill.
******************************************
We all get heavier as we get older,
because there's a lot more information in our heads.
That's my story and I'm sticking to it.
*********************** *********************
AND

Every time I start thinking too much
about how I look,
I just  find a Happy Hour
and by the time I leave,
I look just fine.
********************************************

[cat]

A certain lawyer was quite wealthy and had a summer house in the country, to which he retreated for several weeks of the year. Each summer, the lawyer would invite a different friend of his (no, that's not the punch line) to spend a week or two up at this place, which happened to be in a backwoods section of Maine.

On one particular occasion, he invited a Czechoslovakian friend to stay with him. The friend, eager to get a freebie off a lawyer, agreed. Well, they had a splendid time in the country - rising early and living in the great outdoors.

Early one morning, the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian companion went out to pick berries for their morning breakfast. As they went around the berry patch, gathering blueberries and raspberries in tremendous quantities, along came two huge Bears - a male and a female.

Well, the lawyer, seeing the two bears, immediately dashed for cover. His friend, though, wasn't so lucky, and the male bear reached him and swallowed him whole.

The lawyer ran back to his Mercedes, tore into town as fast has he could, and got the local backwoods sheriff. The sheriff grabbed his shotgun and dashed back to the berry patch with the lawyer. Sure enough, the two bears were still there.

"He's in THAT one!" cried the lawyer, pointing to the male, while visions of lawsuits from his friend's family danced in his head. He just had to save his friend.

The sheriff looked at the bears, and without batting an eye, leveled his gun, took careful aim, and SHOT THE FEMALE.

"What d'ya do that for!" exclaimed the lawyer, "I said he was in the other!"

"Exactly," replied the sheriff, "and would YOU believe a lawyer who told you that the Czech was in the Male?"

[cat]

There were five houses of religion in a small Florida town:

The Presbyterian Church,
The Baptist Church,
The Methodist Church,
The Catholic Church and
The Jewish Synagogue

Each church and Synagogue was overrun with pesky squirrels.  One day, the Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels.  After much prayer and consideration they determined that the squirrels were pre-destined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.

In the Baptist Church the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the baptistery and drown the squirrels in it.  The squirrels escaped somehow and there were twice as many there the next week. 

The Methodist Church got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creation. So, they humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back. 

But...... the Catholic Church came up with what appeared to be the best and most effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church.  Now they only see them on Christmas, Ash Wednesday, Palm Sunday and Easter. 

Not much was heard about the Jewish Synagogue, but they took one squirrel and had a short service with him called circumcision and they haven't seen a squirrel on the property since.

[paddbear0000]

The Sierra Club and the U.S. Forest Service were presenting an alternative
to Wyoming ranchers for controlling the coyote population.  It seems that after
years of the ranchers using the tried and true methods of shooting and/or
trapping the predators, the tree-huggers had a 'more humane' solution.
What they proposed was for the animals to be captured alive, the males would
then be castrated and let loose again. Therefore the population would be
controlled.

This was ACTUALLY proposed to the Wyoming Wool and Sheep Grower's
Association by the Sierra Club and the USFS. All of the ranchers thought
about this amazing idea for a couple of minutes.

Finally, an old boy in the back of the conference room stood up, tipped his
hat back and said, 'Son, I don't think you understand our
problem. Those coyotes ain't f***in' our sheep - they're eatin'
'em!'  You should have been there to hear the roar of laughter

[cat]

I was depressed last night so I called Lifeline.

I got a call center in Pakistan.

I told them I was suicidal.

They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

[paddbear0000]

 

[paddbear0000]

Never  Choke in a Restaurant in the  South!


Two  hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat,  they
talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a  woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich,  begins  to
cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is  in  real
distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, 'Kin  ya swallar?'

The woman shakes her head  no.

Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'

The woman  begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress,  yanks down her
drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a  lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a  violent spasm, and the obstruction
flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks 
slowly back to his table.

His  partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick  Maneuver'
but I ain't niver seed nobody do  it!'

[Lucinda]

 A mother is driving a little girl to her friend's house for a play date.

'Mommy,' the little girl asks, 'how old are you?'

'Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,' the mother replied.

'It's not polite.'

'OK', the little girl says, 'How much do you weigh?'

'Now really,' the mother says, 'those are personal questions and are really none of your business.'

Undaunted, the little girl asks, 'Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?'

'That is enough questions, young lady, honestly!'

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

'My Mom won't tell me anything about her,' the little girl says to her friend.

'Well,' says the friend, 'all you need to do is look at her drivers license.  It is like a report card, it has everything on it.'

Later that night the little girl says to her mother, 'I know how old you are, you are 32.'

The mother is surprised and asks, 'How did you find that out?

'I also know that you weigh 140 pounds.'

The mother is past surprised and shocked now.
'How in heaven's name did you find that out?'

'And,' the little girl says triumphantly,'I know why you and daddy got a divorce.'

'Oh really?' the mother asks. 'Why?'

'Because you got an F in sex.'

[cat]

An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland arrived at the casino.  She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty thousand Euros on a single roll of the dice.  She said,  'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude'.  With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, 'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!' As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed...'YES!  YES!  I WON, I WON!'  She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.  The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.

Finally, one of them asked,  'What did she roll?'  The other answered, 'I don't know - I thought you were watching.'

MORAL OF THE STORY

Not all Irish are drunks,
Not all blondes are dumb,
But all men...are men.[/b]

[Wenchie58]

A guy and a girl meet at a bar.  They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place. 

 

A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands. He then takes off his trousers and washes his hands again. 

 

The girl has been watching him and says, 'You must be a dentist.' 

The guy, surprised, says, 'Yes, how did you figure that out?'

'Easy,' she replied, 'you keep washing your hands.'

One thing led to another and they make love. 

 

After they are done, the girl says, 'You must be a very good dentist.'

The guy, now with a boosted ego says, 'Sure, I'm a good dentist, how did you figure that out?'

'Didn't feel a thing.'

[paul.karen]

    OUCH

[Tinah1968]

 

[Darthvadar]

Hi Folks...

New to IHD...

Oh it's good to see a good joke tread... God knows in the situation we find ourselves in, a sense of humour's a must!...

As I've seen a few of the naughtier jokes in the thread, so I think I'll join them...

Here goes...


Ninety-five year old man is asked by his doctor for a semen sample... Two days later he returns to the doctor with an empty jar... Doc says "Why no sample?"...

Man replies "I tried, Doc... I REALLY did... First I tried with my right hand, then with my left hand. Then my wife tried... First with her right hand, then with her left hand, then with her mouth, first with her teeth in, then with her teeth out. Then we got Elsie from next door to try... She tried with her left hand, then with her right hand... She also tried with her mouth... First with her teeth in, then with her teeth out... No joy, I'm afraid... We STILL could'nt get the lid off the jar!!!!"...

[monrein]

 

[willieandwinnie]

    

[Darthvadar]

I'll take the laughter as a cue that I've gotten away with it, then??.... Okay... Another one...

Here goes...

Woman goes to the doctor and the following conversation takes place...

Woman: "Doctor, it's about those steroid pills you gave me... They're causing the most awful side-effects"...

Doctor: "What kind of side-effects?"...

Woman: "Well, I'm growing hair on my face, and hair on my chest, and it's REALLY upsetting me"...

Doctor: "Try not to worry, I'm sure that there's something we can do for you. But just as a matter of polite, professional interest, how far down your chest does this hair go?"...

Woman: "All the way down to my testicles, and that's ANOTHER thing I want to talk to you about!!!"...

[kitkatz]

    Lordy,Lord!

[paddbear0000]

   That's particularly funny given some of the transplant meds we get!