-=- THE OFFICIAL I HATE DIALYSIS.COM JOKE THREAD -=- (Bold type please!)

[Darthvadar]

Yes Pad... I take steroids too..... Have another....

Sister Agnes wakes up in the convent FULL of the joys of spring. She goes into the garden and finds Sister Mary digging carrots out of the vegetable patch. "Good Morning Sister Mary" says Sister Agnes "God bless the work. Those carrots look lovely". Sister Mary replies "Good morning, Sister Agnes, yes, the carrots have done well. They'll be very nice with lunch today. But Sister Agnes, I see you got out of the wrong side of the bed this morning". Sister Agnes assured her that she was fine and went off to the kitchen to see what was happening there.

Sister Anne is taking some fruit scones out of the oven, and Sister Agnes says "Good morning Sister Anne, God bless the work. Those scones look very nice". Sister Anne replies "Good morning Sister Agnes, thanks for the compliment. Yes, the scones will be a nice addition to breakfast. But Sister Agnes, You got out of the wrong side of the bed this morning". Somewhat confused, Sr Agnes tells Sr Anne that she's perfectly well, and decides that she'd better visit the Mother superior for guidence.

Mother Superior receives Sr Agnes, and asks what's on her mind. Sr Agnes replies "Well, I woke up this morning to find the birds singing, the sun was shining, and I felt at one with the world. Then I went into the garden and had a chat with Sr Mary about the carrots. It was lovely until she told me that I'd gotten out of the wrong side of the bed this morning. Then I spoke to Sr Anne in the kitchen. After discussing how nice the fruit scones she was baking looked, she too said that I'd gotten out of the wrong side of the bed this morning. I assured her that I'm perfectly well, but I felt that I had to come to you for guidence. Reverend Mother, please tell me why on earth do people think that I got out of the wrong side of the bed, this morning???"

Reverend Mother looked at her for a moment and said "It might, it just MIGHT be because you're wearing Father Tom's slippers!"...

[Darthvadar]

Hi Folks...

Have another joke!...

Man visits his doctor and says "Doc, as I was coming in through the front door of the surgery, a VERY upset nun rushed out past me in floods of tears... Now I know that you have to respect her privicy, and you can't tell me much, but is she going to be okay?".

Doctor replies "Ah yes, that'll be Sister Mary Catherine, she'll be fine.... She's upset because I've just told her that she's pregnant"...

Patient replies "Oh right, and is she?"...

"Not at all" says the doctor "but she's a PD patient, and I had to do something to cure her constipation, didn't I???"....

[Darthvadar]

Female University Lecturer is discussing the importance of the next day's exam with her students. "Ladies and Gentlemen" she said "the only reasons I will accept for not taking this exam are either a death in your family or you ending up as a patient in an Intensive Care Unit"...

A bright spark male student piped up from the back of the Lecture Theatre "What if I'm suffering extreme sexual exhaustion???"...

After the juvenile laughter died down, the lecturer replied "Well if that happens to you, Johnny, you'll just have to write with your other hand!"...

[Darthvadar]

A member of the Garda  (Irish Police) Mounted Unit is patrolling one of the rougher areas of Dublin in on his horse in early January when he sees a young boy on a bicycle... The following conversation takes place...

Garda: "Hello, Young Man... That's a very nice bicycle... Did Santa Clause bring that for you?"...

Kid: "Yes, he did"...

Garda: "Well, someone should tell Santa that he should have brought you a helmet too... So I want you to get off the bicycle, and walk home with it... And until you're wearing a helmet, I don't want to see you riding it again... Is that clear???".

Distraught Boy: "Yeah, alright.... I suppose so.... Eh, Guard.... Did Santa bring you that horse???..."

The Garda, amused by the child's innocence decides to play along and replies "Yes, he did"...

Boy replies "Thought so... Well someone should have told Santa that the b****x is supposed to be underneath the horse, not on top of it!!!"....

[Darthvadar]

Man with a few drinks taken in the pub starts shouting his mouth off...

"All lawyers are a**holes" he yells...

Another customer says "Oi, I resent that remark!"...

Drunk says "Sorry Mate, I did'nt realise that you're a lawyer"...

"I'm not" came the reply "I'm an a**hole!"...

[Darthvadar]

Three Holy Men and a Bear....

A priest, a Pentecostal preacher, and a Rabbi all served as
chaplains to the students of large university in a wooded area in the back end of Canada. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to
preach to a bear. One thing led to another, and they decided
to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods,
find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.

Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their
experience.......


Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on
crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs,
went first. "Well," he said, "I went into the woods to find
me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from
the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me
and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy
water, sprinkled him and well, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became
as gentle as a lamb. In fact the bishop is coming out next week to
give him first communion and confirmation. Praise the Lord, I've a success story. How did it go for you, Reverend???"...


Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had
one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip. In his
best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he claimed, "WELL,
brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I
FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from
God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me.
So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled
down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to
a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy
soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb.
We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus."


The priest and the reverend both looked down at the rabbi,
who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and
traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He
was in really bad shape. The Rabbi looked up and said, "Looking back on it Gentlemen, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."

[Darthvadar]

As you lie back your muscles tighten. You put him off for a while searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you.

He asks if you're afraid and you shake your head bravely. He has had more experience, but it's the first time his finger has found the right place.

He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but he's gentle like he promised he'd be.

He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him-he's done this many times before.

His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an easy entrance. You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible. As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give way; pain surges throughout your body and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues. He looks at you concerned and asks you if it's too painful. Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake your head and nod for him to go on. He begins going in and out with skill but you are now too numb to feel him within you.

After a few moments, you feel something bursting within you and he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have it over. He looks at you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a chuckle; that you have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience.

You smile and thank your dentist. After all, it was your first time to have a tooth pulled.

Excuse me you horrible lot...  What were you thinking???... Naughty, Naughty!!!!.....

[Darthvadar]

Three men die and arrive at the pearly gates. St Peter meets them and explains the transport difficulties in Heaven...

"Okay lads" says he "while none of you could be described as saints, you can all come into Heaven, but there IS a catch.... We're a bit short of decent transport at the moment... Now I figure that the only fair way to allocate the cars we have is to ask you about your level of faithfulness".

He turns to the first guy and asks "Have you ever been unfaithful to your wife?". "Yes" he replied "I did the dirt about half a dozen times". St Peter gave him the keys of an old, battered Micra.

He asks the second guy the same question and he replies "Yes, I was unfaithful just once". St peter says "Okay, that's a bit better" and gives him the keys to a small Mercedes.

Third guy says "St Peter, there's no need to ask me... I would NEVER be unfaithful... Perish the dreadful thought". St Peter congratulated him on his excellent behaviour, and presented him with the keys to a brand new, top of the range Rolls Royce.
All three men take their leave of St Peter and drive off.

Three weeks later, the Micra and Mercedes drivers encounter the Rolls Royce driver, sitting in his car, head on the wheel, crying his eyes out, sobbing bitterly.

The Mercedes driver says "I don't know what you're crying about... Are'nt you the flipping saint?.... Never unfaithful, and now you're driving the best car in Heaven..... Whart are you whinging about???"

The guy lifts his head, and between heart-wrenching sobs says "I know, I know, but I've just seen my wife go past me...... ON A SKATEBOARD!".

[Darthvadar]

A young man called Peter invited his mother for dinner in his new flat, and to meet his 'flatmate'....., During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how handsome Peter's flatmate, Simon was.... She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this only made her more curious....

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Peter and his flatmate than met the eye.... Reading his mum's thoughts, Peter volunteered,"Look Mum, I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Simon and I are just flatmates".

About a week later, Simon came to Peter saying, "Ever since your Mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the frying pan, you
don't suppose she took it with her, do you?"... "Well" said Peter, "I doubt it, but I'll e-mail her, and ask, just to be sure".

So he sat down at the computer, and wrote:

DEAR MOTHER,

I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DID' TAKE THE FRYING PAN FROM MY HOUSE, AND I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DID NOT' TAKE THE FRYING PAN BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IT HAS BEEN MISSING EVER SINCE YOU WERE HERE FOR DINNER.

LOVE

PETER


Several days later, Peter received an email from his mother which
read...

DEAR SON,

I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DO' SLEEP WITH SIMON, AND I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DO NOT' SLEEP WITH SIMON, BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IF HE WAS SLEEPING IN HIS OWN BED, HE WOULD HAVE FOUND THE FLIPPING FRYING PAN BY NOW!!.

LOVE,

MUM
 
 
 

[Darthvadar]

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second Mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny,"

He turned to the third Mom. "Your obsession is alcohol. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go".

[Darthvadar]

A small tourist hotel was all a buzz about an afternoon wedding where the groom was 95 and the bride was 23. The groom looked pretty feeble and the feeling was that the wedding night might kill him, because his bride was a healthy, vivacious young woman.

But lo and behold, the next morning, the bride came down the main staircase slowly, step by step, hanging onto the banister for dear life. She finally managed to get to the counter of the little shop in the hotel.

The clerk looked really concerned, "Whatever happened to you, honey? You look like you've been wrestling an alligator!"

The bride groaned, hung on to the counter and managed to speak, "Ohhh God! He told me he'd been saving up for 75 years...

I thought he meant his money!!"

[Darthvadar]

The Pentagon recently found it had too many generals and offered an early retirement bonus. They promised any general who retired straight away his full annual benefits plus $10,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two parts of the general's body, with the general getting to select any pair of points he wished.

The first man, an Air Force general, accepted. He asked the pension man to measure from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. Six feet. He walked out with a check of $720,000.

The second man, an Army general, asked them to measure from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. Eight feet. He walked out with a check for $960,000.

When the third general, a grizzled old Marine on his last legs, was asked where to measure, he told the pension man ... "From the tip of my penis to the bottom of my testicles."

The pension man suggested that perhaps the Marine general might like to reconsider, pointing out the nice checks the previous two generals had received. The Marine insisted and the pension expert said that would be fine, but that he'd better get the medical officer to do the measuring.

The medical officer attended and asked the general to drop the pants. He did. The medical officer placed the tape on the tip of the general's penis and began to work back. "My God!" he said. "Where are your testicles?" The general grinned and replied, "Vietnam!."
 
 
 

[Darthvadar]

One evening, as Uncle John and his wife are entertaining important guests with cocktails, they are interrupted by an out-of breath little Johnny who shouts out, “Uncle John! Come quick! The bull is f*****g the cow!”

Uncle John, highly embarrassed, takes young little Johnny aside and explains that a certain decorum is required. “You should have said, ‘The bull is surprising the cow’, not some filth you picked up in the streets,” he says.

A few days later, little Johnny comes again as his uncle and aunt are entertaining. “Uncle John! The bull is surprising the cows!” The adults share a knowing grin.

Uncle John says, “Thank you little Johnny, but surely you meant to say the cow, not COWS. A bull cannot ’surprise’ more than one cow at a time you know.”

“Yes he can!” replies his obstinate nephew, “He’s f*****g the horse!”.
 
 
 

[Darthvadar]

There were these two best friends out playing golf one beautiful day. After hitting their tee shots, both noticed that neither was even close to the fairway. One friend hit it way left, the other way right.

They decided that since the shots were so bad, they’d just meet up at the hole.

So the first guy went off and looked and looked and finally found his ball sitting down deep in a field of beautiful Buttercups. He promptly pulled out his 7 iron and started whacking away. Buttercups were flying everywhere, but the ball wouldn’t come out.

Well, finally Mother Nature got mad.

She came up from the ground and said to the man, “I’ve created this beautiful field of Buttercups and you have no respect for them at all, now they are ruined. I’m going to have to punish you. Since these are Buttercups, your punishment is that you cannot have butter for a year.”

The man started to laugh and went back to whacking at the Buttercups.

Mother Nature said, “Hey, this is no laughing matter. What do you find so funny?”

The man looked up and said, “My buddy is over on the other side in the Pussywillows.”

[Darthvadar]

A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach. Luckily the babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in because it was too risky to operate. She gave birth to two healthy daughters and a healthy son.

All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in tears.
'What's wrong?' asked the mother. 'I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out,' replied the daughter.

The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years ago.

About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears. 'Mom, I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out.'

Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years ago. A week later her son walked into the room in tears.

'It's okay' said the Mom, 'I know what happened. You were taking a tinkle and a bullet came out.'

'No Mom,' said the boy, 'I was playing with myself and I shot the cat!'.....'

[Darthvadar]

The male teacher in a girls' school asked the science class: "Who can tell me what organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated? Mary, can you tell me?"

Mary blushed furiously as she stood up. Then replied, "Sir, how dare you ask such a question? I will complain to my parents, who will complain to the principal."

The male teacher was taken aback at first by Mary's reaction. Then, as understanding dawned on him, he called for another pupil, this time a volunteer.

Lilly put up her hand. "Yes, Lilly?" asked the teacher.

"Sir, the correct answer is the iris of the eye."

"Very good. Thanks, Lilly," said the male teacher.

He then turned to the 1st girl, who threatened to complain to her parents and principal: "Well, Mary, I have 3 things to tell you:

First, you have NOT done your HOMEWORK.

Second, you have a DIRTY mind.

And thirdly, I fear, one day in future, you are going to be sadly disappointed!"

[Darthvadar]

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?" The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there's three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions." "Onions?" asks the boy. "Yes," said the father, "you see them and they make you cry." This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mom, how many kinds of willies are there?" The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his twenties, his willie is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is a birch, flexible but still reliable. After his fifties, it is like an old Christmas tree." "A Christmas tree?" "Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only."

[Darthvadar]

A dedicated shop steward was at a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels.

When he got to the first one, he asked the madame, "Is this a union house?"

"No, I'm sorry it isn't."

"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"

"The house gets $80 and the girls get $20."

Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable shop.

His search continued as long as you want to draw things out, until finally he reached a brothel where the madame said, "Why yes, this is a union house."

"And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"

"The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."

"That's more like it!" the man said. He looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive redhead. "I'd like her for the night."

"I'm sure you would, sir," said the madame, gesturing to a fat fifty-year-old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has seniority."

[Darthvadar]

A woman posts an ad in the news paper that looks like this... 'Looking for man with these qualifications; won't beat me up; or run away from me and is great in bed.'

She got lots of phone calls replying to her ad but met someone perfect at her door one day.

The man she met said, "Hi, I'm Bob. I have no arms so I won't beat you up and no legs so I won't run away."

So the lady says, "What makes you think you are great in bed?"

Bob replies, "I rang the door bell didn't I?"

[Darthvadar]

A nurse from England was on duty in the emergency department, when a punk rocker entered. This young woman had purple hair styled into a mohawk, a variety of tattoos and strange clothing.

It was determined that the patient had acute appendicitis and was scheduled for immediate surgery.

When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff found that her pubic hair had been dyed green and above it was a tattoo reading: "keep off the grass."

After the prep and the surgery, the surgeon added a small note to the dressing which said: "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."

[Darthvadar]

A man goes to visit his 85-year-old grandfather in the hospital.

"How are you grandpa?" he asks.

"Feeling fine," says the old man.

"What's the food like?"

"Terrific, wonderful menus."

"And the nursing?"

"Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care of you."

"What about sleeping? Do you sleep OK?"

"No problem at all --- nine hours solid every night. At 10 o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet ... and that's it. I go out like a light."

The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so rushes off to question the Sister in charge.

"What are you people doing," he says, "I'm told you're giving an 85-year-old Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that can't be true?"

"Oh, yes," replies the Sister. "Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well. The hot chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed."

[Darthvadar]

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, 'Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin.

' 'What?' said the puzzled groom. 'How can that be if you've been married ten times?'

'Well, Husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an Engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from Finance and Administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychiatrist; all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

Husband#10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was.... God! I miss him!!!

But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!'

'Good,' said the lawyer, 'but, why?'

'Duh! You're a lawyer. This time I know for sure I'm gonna get s*****d!'

[willieandwinnie]

Last Tuesday, as President Obama got off the Helicopter in front of the White House, he was carrying a baby piglet under each arm.

The squared away Marine guard snaps to attention, Salutes, and says:

"Nice pigs, Sir."

The President replies: "These are not pigs. These are authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for Secretary of State Hillary
Clinton and I got one for Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi."

The squared away Marine again snaps to attention, Salutes, and says: "Excellent trade, sir.

[willieandwinnie]

New Stock Market Terms

CEO– Chief Embezzlement Officer
CFO -  Corporate Fraud Officer
BULL MARKET– A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius
BEAR MARKET– a 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.
VALUE INVESTING– The art of buying low and selling lower..
P/E RATIO– The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.
BROKER – What my financial planner has made me.
STANDARD & POOR– Your life in a nutshell.
STOCK ANALYST– Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
STOCK SPLIT– When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.
MARKET CORRECTION– The day after you buy stocks.
CASH FLOW– The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
YAHOO – What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.
WINDOWS– What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo at $240 per share.
INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR– Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.
PROFIT – an archaic word no longer in use.

If you had purchased $1000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago, you will have $49.00 today.
If you had purchased $1000 of shares in AIG one year ago, you will have $33.00 today.
If you had purchased $1000 of shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago, you will have $0.00 today.
But---- if you had purchased $1000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the aluminum cans for recycling refund, you will have received $214.00.
Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily & recycle.
It's called the   401-Keg.

[Darthvadar]

Brilliant W&W... The 'piglet' one's excellent,


Female University Lecturer is discussing the importance of the next day's exam with her students. "Ladies and Gentlemen" she said "the only reasons I will accept for not taking this exam are either a death in your family or you ending up as a patient in an Intensive Care Unit"...

A bright spark male student piped up from the back of the Lecture Theatre "What if I'm suffering extreme sexual exhaustion???"...

After the juvenile laughter died down, the lecturer replied "Well if that happens to you, Johnny, you'll just have to write with your other hand!"...