Dating on dialysis?

[gothiclovemonkey]

So im wondering.... What do yall think about dating while being on diaylsis? Part of me thinks it would be totally  unfair to start a relationship, when im sick alot, im not exactly able to do alot of things these days. With all the little stuff that goes along with not feeling well, aches pains, not to mention i feel like i have the ugliest fistula ever created.... And now a beautiful tube hanging from my belly...
Why allow someone to fall in love with you when most likely u wont live to be old and gray with them? More of a burden than a life.



Modified: Moved to General Discussion - okarol/admin

[YLGuy]

There are some threads that discuss this very topic. (single dad of 3 in center hemo)

http://ihatedialysis.com/forum/index.php?topic=19012.msg324363#msg324363

http://ihatedialysis.com/forum/index.php?topic=17334.msg300792#msg300792

http://ihatedialysis.com/forum/index.php?topic=1980.msg27155#msg27155

http://ihatedialysis.com/forum/index.php?topic=7455.msg109387#msg109387

There are more.  Just search "dating" in the advance search: Search in topic subjects only

[gothiclovemonkey]

Thank you! I still havent figured this site out very much! Ive never been on a site like this lol Thank you

[YLGuy]

No problem.  This really is a great site.  There are many wonderful, caring people here who are more than happy to help and offer advice.  Never feel funny about asking.  The Admins and Moderators could not be better.  (Don't be afraid of the one carrying the big stick either  )

[RichardMEL]

Thanks YLGuy!!! I had this awesome, witty, humourous post (with search links too) all typed up and I got booted off and it was lost. NOT HAPPY!!

Basically the bottom line is YES you can have a love LIFE while on dialysis and there's nothing to suggest that you won't live a long life. Heck, a psychic told me I will live into my 90's and if I can do it then YOU can do it - who knows what medical breakthroughs are around the corner?

And as for worrying about your fistula and catheter tube... apart from the fact that most men will be looking ABOVE your belly  really do you want to be with a guy who is so shallow and that stuff will put him off?

In my experience most women I've dated have had less trouble with the kidney disease thing than I thought. I've always been upfront about it and told them upfront, and if they wanted to run off well so be it.. at least I knew early. Most didn't... it was just my other poor qualities that put them off I think!!! 

I am certain you can have a dating life... doing dialysis etc certainly isn't the end in my view!

[gothiclovemonkey]

lol U assume i have something above my belly ROFL
I think this really boils down to self worth or something. I really dont feel worthy of a good man, and im sick of the loser guys. I dont feel worthy of a good man because, being sick so often, i dont have the energy to put in what he would deserve.
Also, I have dated a few times since this started. One guy told me that he liked me alot, maybe even loved me, but wouldnt marry a sick girl, he doesnt want the responsibilty, but he wants to be exclusive... he was confusing.

[YLGuy]

If you read through the threads you will find that there are good people out there that are willing to be care givers because they love and care about their significant others.  More importantly they have character.  You will read about people finding their mate after being diagnosed.  It is inspiring to know that those people ARE out there. 

With that being said...I truly understand where you are coming from.  It is not hard to think of myself of having way too much baggage.  I am a 47 year old single dad of 3 with kidney failure. Whew, what a catch! 

[gothiclovemonkey]

i personally would think that is a good thing it shows that u are a strong. and i dont know anything else about u
it wouldnt be so bad if i didnt feel like a huge burden to everyone around me. i feel completely useless.

[Dianejt]

Everyone deserves to be Loved. So it will not be with someone who is "busy all the time" , maybe there is someone who enjoys the quiet nights at home reading, watching TV or enjoying a good conversation. There are all different personalities people who thrive on helping others & being useful. Please don't close that chapter of your life as loving  & feeling loved are the worlds greatest gift. 

[KarenInWA]

I'll be honest - this is a sore subject for me.  I am not even on D yet, and I have already given up on the whole "finding a man" and "dating" thing.  I have had the absolute worst "dating" experience thus far in my life, and I cannot shake the idea that if I am stupid enough to even try and go forward, I know that as soon as I bring up what my future brings, any and all men will run so fast for the door they'll make the Road Runner look like a sloth!  I am 36, getting closer to 37, and have never been able to find a man who will love me, support me or stay with me.  They all have been short time losers who ran at the first sign of trouble.  I strongly believe that this has happened to me because I am not worth working through the "trouble", which all it would take is communication and coming to an understanding. Any other woman who gets upset over being ignored gets taken seriously, but not me.  I get dumped, or ignored til I get frustrated and do the dumping.  I am done.

I have always wanted to be in a loving, caring, supportive relationship.  It is the one thing I want most in life.  But, I know it is not meant to be, and hopefully, I will just stop thinking about it some day.  That is honestly how I feel.

KarenInWA

[YLGuy]

Don't give up Karen.  It is worth it.  I really loved being a husband,  She was my best friend.  I enjoyed talking to her about everything, buying her flowers for no reason, hiding notes in her suitcase when she traveled for business.  I hope I can have that again someday. 

[Beth35]

I too really feel like there is no hope at times because of my illness.  I feel like no one will want to be with me because I'm sick or b/c I can't have children due to dialysis and now age. 

But I won't give up hope and I don't think you should either.  Hang in there!

[gothiclovemonkey]

I dont think we should give up on the idea of relationships, i still have some hope, that it will take forever. hehe
Ive never really been dumped, im the lucky girl who gets the guy who seems like some sort of dream come true, then turns out quite a nightmare. Absolutely no man that i have ever dated, has had a job, most did not work at all while we were together. nor did they help in any way, i paid their ways, even for their habits... very one sided relationships, its wearing.
And I really wonder if its me being too picky? Id like a guy who will at LEAST pick up after himself occationally...
Im too nice
Karen ,idk what the future holds for u, or for me, but i hope u dont fully give up, if an opportunity presents itself.
a question though, its really... blunt im sorry.
What about sex? how do u approach that topic, of ur not ready, mainly because u are very uncomfortable with what D has done to ur body? because ur tired, or not feeling well? who would want to be with that?

[Beth35]

In my situation, I met my bf right before I started dialysis.  He was kind of playing hard to get in the beginning but then things got serious.  He stuck around when I started dialysis.  Even after getting the cath in the chest.  We were together for almost eight years and he dumped me about a month after the transplant.  I think it was due to the weight gain as I was very thin before and during my stint with dialysis.  After the transplant I gained some weight.

I was never tired when it came to sex.  I was tired on my dialysis days but we didn't see each other on those days since I went at night. 

I just wonder who in their right mind would want to date someone who is already sick and on dialysis?  I'm hoping I'll find the answer to that question but I just don't know.  Throw in the fact that I can't have babies on dialysis and I'll be too old to have them after my next transplant and you could have a problem b/c most guys want bio kids.

I do think I am too picky.  I need for someone to make more money than I do which really shouldn't be hard.  He needs to live on his own and be a Christian.  He has to like kids since I have two.  He has to be racially accepting since my kids are black.  Apparently, that is a big order.

[Riki]

I gave up on dating before I even started dialysis. I was tired of the guys I was interested in telling me that I was too good a friend, or, the one that really kicked me in the teeth, "I think of you like a sister." 

ughhhhhhh 

Then, when I did start dialysis, and I had the PD catheter, I felt completely unattractive and totally not sexy, so I just didn't bother even looking.  But now, I'm thinking that since I no longer have the PD catheter, and the central line is gone, I may start looking again.  Maybe sign up with eharmony or something like that.  I figure if I can find a nice guy who doesn't mind the scars (the central line left one that kinda looks like a belly button), and can handle my crazy mood swings and the occasional meltdown, he's a keeper

[RichardMEL]

hey I have a steady job and can pick up after myself. Will someone date me?!?! 

 

[YLGuy]

I pretty much concentrate on being a daddy.  I really do want to meet someone and have a long term relationship but that will probably happen after my daughter leaves for college.  I will probably only have 1 left with me at that point.  I go out dancing on Saturday nights sometimes but that is just for fun.  I enjoy dancing.  I have been given many phone numbers at the end of the night but have not pursued it.   

[romanyscarlett]

I have been with my boyfriend Rich for just over 2 years now. We got together before my kidneys failed but I never made a secret about my health and what the future was likely to hold. I also made it clear from the beginning that I would never have any children because of the 50/50 chance of passing on my kidney disease.

I do appreciate though that it's a bit different than starting to date whilst on dialysis because everything is so much more serious than just being monitored for an illness and it takes up a lot of free time. That's without taking account of the emotional and physical drain of the treatment.

I think it is possible to find love while you're on dialysis though. You just need to find the right person. Rich and I are both 25 years old and I'm sure most guys his age would love to have a healthy girlfriend who they can plan a proper future with rather than someone who is having HD three times a week and who will never bear any children. Actually, I'm pretty sure that most 25 year old men would probably prefer playing the field 

I have thought about breaking things off with Rich so he can be free from all the hassle that comes with being my boyfriend but he says he loves me for who I am and that I shouldn't be so silly. It's not easy for him dealing with my mood swings, mopping up the tears, cancelling plans at short notice because I feel too ill etc but he says he wants to be there for me so and if that means coping with my rubbish kidneys then so be it.

I had one of my kidneys removed recently and I have a 13 inch scar under my ribcage from the surgery so I understand how you are feeling about body confidence issues. But with the right person, it won't be a problem.  Anyone shallow enough to judge you because of a tube in your tummy probably isn't worth dating anyway.

If I can find someone who is willing to accept me as I am then there's no reason why you can't find someone.  You might have to sift through some poor excuses for human beings in the process but once you find the right person, you'll be so glad you put the effort in.

[KICKSTART]

Sod the dating ..just give me a hunky male nurse !

[natnnnat]

Seems like a nice young man, will he do, KK?

[RightSide]

lol U assume i have something above my belly ROFL
Also, I have dated a few times since this started. One guy told me that he liked me alot, maybe even loved me, but wouldnt marry a sick girl, he doesnt want the responsibilty, but he wants to be exclusive... he was confusing.

I'm single too, and I've had exactly the same problem--women who said that they wanted a "whole man" who could keep up with them, not some guy with an illness.

Where do you live?  Maybe you and I could have dinner sometime!

[tubes]

Sod the dating ..just give me a hunky male nurse !

ROFL....you read my mind KS. 

[Riki]

Sod the dating ..just give me a hunky male nurse !

I have one of those... he's a casual from one of the other units in the province, but he still comes in from time to time to cover for the regular nurses to pick up extra shifts.  He's really cute.  I like when he's there.

[RichardMEL]

Is this turning into the "Having Sex While on Dialysis" thread?!?!!

 

[dialysismomma]

Never ever give up on love. I fell in love with my fiance even though he was on dialysis. I knew he was on dialysis when i started to date him(since he was one of my patients. I am a tech). Love will find you when you least expect it. It may already be there right under your nose and you just dont know it yet. I can say that he is the man of my dreams and could not have asked for a more perfect match for me!