Dating

[kimcanada]

Well seems as though tonight is going to be my first date night since Andrew and I broke up. I am excited and kinda nervous. But the question I want to ask is this...

This fellow knows nothing about my kidneys, dialysis zip zilch nadda.  I really don't want him to know about it till I even know if I want to see him again. Problem, my arm.

I know some ware it like a badge of honor and sometimes I do also. But tonight I just don't want it to be a conversation piece. Would it be wrong to cover it somehow?

Thanks
Bewildered in Canada

[cdwbrooklyn]

If you feel comfortable covering it up than do so for now.  If the conversation comes up and he asks what is it, just tell him you had an operation and it's a long story to go into at this point but you will let him know at a further date.   If he respects your decision, then you can tell him when you are ready about your dailysis.  However, I suggest for now that you wait until you get to know him better.   By then, you should have an ideal as to where is mind is.   

[jbeany]

Cover it if you want - there's nothing wrong with that.  You're going out to have fun and enjoy someone's company, not giving a lecture on health issues.  If it comes up in conversation tonight, and you feel comfortable talking about it, fine.  Otherwise, there's no rush to tell a first date every detail of your life!

Have fun!

[monrein]

Have fun Kim ( I'm sorry to hear that you and Andrew broke up but no point to it if it wasn't working) and of course cover up your fistula if you feel more comfortable.  Heck, it's Canada, it's winter, it's cold and even if it were summer it'd be fine to cover it.   

[willowtreewren]

I agree, Kim.

It's winter. It's cold. Wear a long sleeve outfit for Pete's sake.

And then if it should be noticed, just bow out graciously and say that it's a long story and better told at another time...provided you would like for there to be another time.

And if you aren't interested in having a second date, well, tell him that it goes with your drug addiction! 

[MIbarra]

Do what makes you feel comfortable and have a ton of fun!

[kimcanada]

Thanks guys, you all are the best cheer club ever. Well date is over, had a really nice time, he was very sweet and the arm thing didn't come up.  I did cover it , and when I was sitting next to him in the movie I just tucked the buzz LOL that wold have been really funny tho. 

I am glad my first outing is over, I feel like I can defiantly do it again, maybe with this fellow or maybe not.  Before the date I could barly wrap my head around having to tell a man all about my health.  I always assumed that it was so obvious that I was a dialysis patient, but I was wrong. I can keep my health privet till I am with someone that I know I want to share that with. PHEW

Jbeany I have been gone for abit, I do hope everything is going well for you

[jbeany]

Jbeany I have been gone for abit, I do hope everything is going well for you

Doing good!  I could use a date, too.  Maybe we should double. . .

[kimcanada]

Sounds good to me , your country or mine?

[fc2821]

Glad things went well on the date, hope it happens again.   

[paris]

Glad it turned out good.  So, is there going to be a second date?   Very happy to see you posting again. You have been very missed.       (of course, I can always find you!)  Love you   

[kimcanada]

Sometimes where there is so much going on in your life, you don't know where to start sharing in a message forum .. I have moved, I have separated... I have been trained for nocturnal , my dogs are in foster care till I have my own place... I have been out of Provence for the first time since dialysis blah blah blah.. so as you can see sometimes its just easier to disappear.

I missing you all , and loved all your advice!

Kim

[RichardMEL]

Kim so glad the date went well (though I'm a bit jealous!!  ) I had to laugh at your comment about hiding the buzz away during the movie. Imagine the surprise he would (might still??) get should he want to hold you during a movie and manage to put a finger somewhere he.. er.. shouldn't...  He might jump out of his seat!!

I know this is after the fact but still putting my two cents in. I agree with what the others have said - it's YOUR date and YOUR life and if you want to cover it up and not "go there" right now.. then absolutely. If you would be on a first date with someone you don't want to be sitting there self conscious thinking "is he looking at my arm? what's he thinking? does he think I'm a druggie or a freak?" and all that. You want to just be normal and figure out if this is someone you might want to see again (and hope he feels the same) and all that other normal "date" stuff!!!

We've had various dating threads over the years which usually boil down to "when/should I tell them?" I mean clearly if you wind up getting more serious with someone (maybe this guy, maybe someone else) then it's going to come up. I've always been a firm believer in being open and honest and up front - so I would be more likely to tell someone sooner than later (and if they run a mile, well then I haven't invested so much emotionally in the thing and you know that they're just not ready to deal with that stuff). However I also totally understand that need/desire to have something NORMAL in your life, like dating someone without worrying about dialysis, disease etc.

In the end it needs to be your call and something you are comfortable with. I'm sure you'll know the right time and place to discuss it because it will feel more natural and comfortable for you to do so. You'll certainly have more of an idea if the guy will be able to accept or handle it.

Again, so glad the date went well - I am sure it was quite scary for you to get out there again. Way to go!!! 

[twirl]

cover up anything you want --
he does not need to see you "naked" on your first date 


Kimmie, answer my email --- NOW --
and send me your new address and how long you will be there ---
your dear friend,
Cheryl
who is keeping Buster Brown and Daisy-- I think her name is Dasiy???
oh no, I know you miss your little doggies
and I am so sorry

[sullidog]

congrads! Hope you have another one!
Good thing he didn't touch your arm on that side either because he would of felt the thrill and he'd be like "Why does your arm feel like that?"
If someone did that to me then I might have to spill the beans.
Troy

[Neo]

You'd be surprised how understanding people can be. I dated a lot the last 6 years and not once did a girl have a problem with dialysis, my arm nothing. It may be that women are less superficial than guys though. But I would say everyone I met tried to learn more about it actually. I must admit when I first started dating after starting dialysis at 19 I had the same reservations, and insecurities. I hope the date goes well, keep us updated.Good Luck and just relax.

[Romona]

  I didn't realize everything you had going on.

[Zog]

If you find the right guy he won't be bothered too much.  Of course as someone who dated a dialysis patient the hardest thing at first was to get Jenn to feel she was worth dating.  She was worried she was going to hurt me.  She probably will someday.  I mean I knew back then she may not live that long, medical problems would be part of daily life, medical expenses may keep us from keeping up with the Jones, and we may never have any kids, but I loved her anyway.  At first she was very protective of her fistula and transplant scars, but that didn't last long.

I guess it all depends on what you want out of the relationship.  If you are just looking for a date or a casual friend or a little something something, maybe letting him know everything at first isn't a good idea, but when and if you want a long term relationship, the guy that doesn't run at the site of your fistula is your man.

Just don't get some guy that wants to make you his charity project.  You want someone who treats you like a normal person (whatever normal means!) with needs besides dialysis.  Jenn said she liked me cause I treated her like she didn't have any problems.

[okarol]

If you find the right guy he won't be bothered too much.  Of course as someone who dated a dialysis patient the hardest thing at first was to get Jenn to feel she was worth dating.  She was worried she was going to hurt me.  She probably will someday.  I mean I knew back then she may not live that long, medical problems would be part of daily life, medical expenses may keep us from keeping up with the Jones, and we may never have any kids, but I loved her anyway.  At first she was very protective of her fistula and transplant scars, but that didn't last long.

I guess it all depends on what you want out of the relationship.  If you are just looking for a date or a casual friend or a little something something, maybe letting him know everything at first isn't a good idea, but when and if you want a long term relationship, the guy that doesn't run at the site of your fistula is your man.

Just don't get some guy that wants to make you his charity project.  You want someone who treats you like a normal person (whatever normal means!) with needs besides dialysis.  Jenn said she liked me cause I treated her like she didn't have any problems.

That's the nicest thing I have read in a long time. 

[RichardMEL]

Of course as someone who dated a dialysis patient the hardest thing at first was to get Jenn to feel she was worth dating.  She was worried she was going to hurt me.  She probably will someday.  I mean I knew back then she may not live that long, medical problems would be part of daily life, medical expenses may keep us from keeping up with the Jones, and we may never have any kids, but I loved her anyway.  At first she was very protective of her fistula and transplant scars, but that didn't last long.

This kind of rings a chord with me (hmm rings a chord? rings a bell? strikes a chord... whatever!  ) Sometimes when I think about the prospect of dating someone I worry about the burden on them of dealing with my condition as well as how much I have left emotionally (let alone physically) to give to THEM while I'm dealiing with all this stuff - ie: is it fair? Yes, a trouble shared is a trouble halved and all that, and some women have told me they have no issue with my disease and all that, but it's really MY thing. Not to mention of course being very self conscious about things like, well, performance (low energy and all that). All of that gives me reasons to not want to seriously persue someone because I feel I'm not a very good potential partner because of this stuff.

Although I did recently meet a girl who, ironically, has a kidney transplant and is all anxious about her scar. I told her that if I ever saw her transplant scar it would be awesome because I, more than most, understand just what a beautiful thing that represents. I think she liked that I got that!!