Bit of a vent but I just need someone to listen instead of avoid!

[JennyGiggle]

Ok, this might seem very trivial but it is really bugging me.

It is my 21st next week. My birthday has always been kinda overlooked in the family - I spent my 18th alone, I was living away from home on my 19th and so my parents forgot about it (and I and my friends were too skint to do anything) my 20th was just after me and my flatmates had had a big fallout. My 21st is special, I am watching all of my friends having huge parties, going on holiday to celebrate, getting really drunk (i used to be a big party girl - and I miss it!). Not only does my first semester deadline fall on my birthday but I also have an D appointment. I mention that I want to celebrate it but my mum is being mollycoddling and saying I am in no state to party (which I know is true). I got really upset about this and was told to "grow-up". I don't think its the fact that I can't celebrate my birthday but just that I am getting robbed of all the things I should be looking back on with fond memories. I was supposed to be going out for a meal with friends but due to the dealine and lack of money everyone has pulled out - I am just totally miserable at the moment - for many reasons other than this and everyone is just  telling me to stop being childish - what is wrong with wanting (desperatly) some normality, how is that childish?

Sorry for ranting, I think if i don't vent somewhere like this then its gonna make a huge argument between me and my mum

Jenny

[MooseMom]

I had an appointment with the social worker at the tranplant unit; I am not on D yet but will be soon, and at the same time, I am trying to get on the transplant list.  The SW appt is a requirement.  So, we were talking about the emotional and psychological impact of dialysis (she used to be a dialysis nurse), and she talked about the classic stages of grief, denial, anger, etc.  She said that many people get stuck on one stage, and that is often the stage of anger.  She talked about loss, that kidney patients perceive they have lost something...their health, their carefree lives.  And it is all true.  I am a lot older than you are, and yet I feel as you do. 

She pointed out something that I already knew but needed to be reminded of.  Dialysis doesn't have to destroy all of your plans, but it often compels you to just change them about a bit.  There is nothing to stop you from celebrating your birthday.  In fact, I think it is imperative that you do so!  But would it be terribly disappointing to you if you celebrated on the weekend closest to the day, and could you think of a way to celebrate that might not cost as much?  Maybe you are not well enough to go out and get drunk on some Spanish coastal resort to celebrate, but perhaps there is something else you could do?  The important thing is to be with friends and family; I'm sorry that they have not been so supportive of you.  There is nothing childish about resenting the unasked for change in your life and to just want to be "normal".  Don't wait around for other people to make plans for you...maybe you could organize something on your own and organize your own birthday do?

[Jean]

Vent away Jenny. Seems as if all of my birthdays get igonored pretty much too, and I have had way more than you have. But, I dont see anything wrong with celebrating on a different date either. Have done that many many times. Seems I always have time to plan special birthdays for my friends but when it comes to mine, nothing seems to happen. Just the way of the world I suppose.

[Bajanne]

Here is a hug, Jenny!   I know how you feel and I didn't have to deal with this until I was 55.  People do not understand our need for 'normalcy' at some times.  Do whatever you can to make your day memorable and enjoyable.

[Romona]

I hope you have a Happy Birthday and I hope things go well for the semester. 

[peleroja]

My birthday is the single most important day of the year to me, and that will never change.  Wish I could send you my button, which is about 6" round and says "Today's my birthday; gimmee gimmee gimmee"  I wear it every year.  Lots of folks wish me Happy Birthday, even strangers, and that's all I need.  I hope everyone is just joshing you and that you will have a super dynamic birthday this year and every year!   

[monrein]

21 is a major milestone birthday Jenny and you're perfectly normal for wanting to be "normal"...even though I'm always a tad suspicious of those who describe themselves as "normal". 
The thing about family sometimes is that they, for whatever reason, don't seem able to be there for us in the way that we'd most like or in fact need.  What's hard is realizing this and accepting it...but it's certainly not childish to wish things were different...including the wish to see the back of all things kidney related.

Is it at all possible to have a small but meaningful celebration, do something different you've never done before, even dinner out with a friend or two?  I hope your Mum will understand and be a bit more supportive.

               

[Sunny]

Everyone thinks the 21st birthday means going out and getting drunk of your arse. But it doesn't have to be that way. I think you should plan something for yourself that others could be a part of that doesn't have to involve all that drinking that isn't good for you anyway. You have every right to be dissapointed, but find a fun way to celebrate anyway.

[sullidog]

I have been having birthday parties for a few years now, and though this year is my first one being on d, this year shal be no different.
Troy

[jbeany]

I'd call my friends and say that you would love it they would come to a no-gifts party, just bring your own bottle, and then you could just provide munchies.  Cheap for everyone, and you get to celebrate the day with a minimum of expense.  Do it the day after, or several days after - it's the celebration that matters, not the exact day. 

Really drunk is a bad option for anyone on fluid restrictions, but you can tell all your friends you're expecting them to have the drinks for you!

[kitkatz]

Happy birthday sweetie. Go celebrate somehow on the day of your 21st birthday. Even if it is only you, do something memorable.  Take a picture on that day!

[galvo]

Jenny, some good advice above.  I took myself to lunch on my last birthday, and I enjoyed both the food and the company. The 21st has to be special though. Do something!! BTW, I have a tiny suspicion that something good could be hiding behind the curtain. Let us know what eventuates.

Anyhoo - 

[KICKSTART]

Did you get my pm ?

[JennyGiggle]

I do plan to celebrate -I have noe accepted that it won't be the way I expected. I think I am just annoyed that no one in my family can see why this birthday is important to me. I think they think its weird cause I have never made a big deal of my birthday, I'm usually the one organising everyone elses - but I have been through soo much this year and I want a day where (even if I can't make it go away)health stuff isn't the most focused on thing!  they think that a trip to the cinema (which isn't special because films/cinema is almost a weekly occurence for me) will suffice. I asked if we could go for a family stroll through edinburgh and then dinner at my fav restaurant on the saturday but my reply was that I will just make myself tired and sore and its not worth it (even though im insisting that the tiredness and that is 100% worth it) anyway I am still ranting on, I need to get off my high horse before my BP rockets even more! lol. Thanks for all the suggestions and letting me rant - I really appreciate it. I'll say it again, I am sooo glad I found this site and all of you guys!

Jenny

[okarol]

My 21st birthday sucked. I had hoped it would be special, but sometimes we try to force outcomes and it doesn't always turn out well. My boyfriend fell asleep early because he had been partying the night before, my mom forgot, sisters didn't call.  I didn't do much and went out on my own, ended up bar hopping with some strangers, rode my motorcycle home at 3:30 AM with a bottle of tequila under my coat, given to me by a bartender, and lucky I didn't get a DUI. It was memorable, but not for good reasons. My advice would be, find one good friend or cousin to celebrate it with and keep it simple. 

[RichardMEL]

Dear Jenny, first of all *tight hugs* to you and best wishes for your upcoming birthday.

The thing to realise is that dialysis does NOT mean you can't have the odd celebration. The way I see it is that dialysis is there to enable us to keep LIVING. What's the point of going through all that just to deny yourself???

If you have a few drinks and a meal on the Saturday night if you plan for it there's no reason why you can't enjoy yourself. OK, drink some shots instead of something else - if money is an issue, buy a bottle of vodka/scotch/whatever beforehand, and take shots from that. Maybe you and your friends can put in for a bottle and share it. So they can mix it with something, and you can have a few small shots over the courts of the evening to enjoy. The other thing is I've found since starting D it takes only a couple of shots and I'm buzzing! (not just talking about the fistula ).

The other thing is - as others have said - you don't need to get drunk to enjoy yourself. The focus should be that you are able to spend time with the people that matter to YOU - your family, your friends. I know you want to remember a big massive party but it seems that dialysis aside that's not practical at this point (everyone's broke ) but doesn't mean you can't find other ways to make it something special for you.

I am due a milestone birthday later this year (which I don't want to think about ) and while it's one of those things that you should remember.. I think it will be pretty low key for me too.. but if I have dinner with my family, maybe a glass of champagne, that's what is important.

The other thing is that OK if it wipes you out on the Sunday while recovering from a late night - well is that a bad thing? The bonus is that if you're sleeping all day you won't be drinking! You'll want to let off steam with your semester deadline AND your birthday well that's perfectly normal.

Also remember if you get into D a kilo or two over what you normally are - you don't have to take it ALL off that next session(if you can't tollerate taking so much off I mean) - you can take it off over a few sessions till you get back o normal. Your team would be pretty understanding if you go a bit bonkers on your 21st!!!

As for your family trying to mollycoddle you - they love you and just want you to be OK - but they also have to know that OK you're a dialysis patient and that involves restrictions and things, but it doesn't mean you have to be locked away in a bubble either. Like I said - dialysis is about allowing you to live and enjoy life as much as possible - and I see no reason why you can't still get out and do something for you!!!! If you have the energy to of course... and if you have to wind up early because you're exhausted.. well that's life and you deal with it.

btw the best part of fluid restrictions is you get everyone else to drink for you - and you can sit back and watch them make absolute fools of themselves - and you'll remember it!!!! 

[billybags]

Hi Jenny, I wish I could remember when I was 21, it must be years ago. I agree with the others, you must celebrate this birthday, to me 21 is a mile stone and it should be celebrated. You don't need to paint the town red, or get bladdered just make sure you do some thing different to what you normally do. Jbeany's idea sounded good to me. Any way "have a good one"   

[jamoman]

your family here has already spoken, happy birthday & many more. do something for your self, live. best wishes.

[Deanne]

Rant away Jenny! We'll listen. What I hear you saying is that you're telling everyone that this is an important day in your life (understadably so!!!!!) and they're blowing it off as nothing. I'd be very upset, too. You aren't asking for the sun & the moon to be handed to you, just an evening out with friends and family to celebrate. Well, scr*w 'em!  Plan a special something to do without them. A manicure and a glass (not bottle!) of wine (after all, you're legal now!)? A massage?

 

[JennyGiggle]

yeh exactly deanne! (although, I have been legally allowed to drink in the uk for 3 yrs now hehe)  Well, I'm still not winning but taking everyones advice I have decided to cheer myself up instead. I done some retail therapy so that I can get dressed up nice on friday - I bought a new jacket (my cats decided to "mark their territory" on my old one so I have been without a jacket in Scotland for a week now brrrrrr) new shoes and a new bag -  :S - I am gonna go stay with a couple of friends tomorrow night and have a girly night - its supposed to be a st.patricks celebration but I am gonna tell myself ts for my bday as well.  Josh (who is looking more and more like boyfriend material everytime we meet/talk) said he would like to take me out next week and that he said he had me a gift. Looks like the official plan is still to go to the cinema to see alice and wonderland, it might not be special but at least ill be with my family - it could be a lot worse.

Jenny

[MooseMom]

Your family sound like a right old wet weekend. Fine...go to the cinema with them and then have a bit of a do with your friends.  That just means you get to celebrate twice!  Your plan sounds like a good one, so enjoy it.

I think you should tell us more about Josh.  We're all family, so we're entitled to know...

[Deanne]

Great job at making lemonaide from those lemons! I know you'll have a great time. 

[monrein]

Yep yep yep...sounding like a celebration consisting of several stages.  I like it...your "girls", your genetic associates (family), and a guy with a gift.  Very nice.  All the best.

[galvo]

Who is this Josh bloke? I'm jealous.

[JennyGiggle]

Josh is turning it out to be quite amazing. I kinda picked him in a charity blind date game thingy - we have met up a few times since and although nothing has really happened as of yet (i like slow) he is proving to be very understanding and caring. Bless the last time we were out he made it a "no drinks" day for both of us. He felt bad drinking in front of me, despite me saying it was fine and it didnt bother me, but he decided to see what it was like to go with hardly any fluids, bless he ended up with a headache at which point I made him buy some water! anways - bit off topic - my sister came over to fight on my side tonight, which i appreciate but mum still thinks in too fragile to day anything other than sit in a dark room for 3 hrs (my sis answered back - " hello mum, she sits on her a** 2 much during the week, yeh lets sit down and watch another film cause thats not gonna say dialysis in a big dark room") im kinda past caring now, all of my pupils gave me bithday hugs tonight, it made my week.

Jenny