Suicidal

[KICKSTART]

Well today has pushed me over the edge , thanks to one caring renal nurse who told me in no uncertain terms that im going to die ..yes die. As you know im waiting to see the eye specialist and for a CT scan and as result of this have not been able to do 4 hours. I do try my best and by the time they have messed me about i end up doing 3-3.30 hours , which isnt so bad. Now my BP has always been on the high side (im talking 2 yrs plus) then while still on pd they got it under control, then as soon as i got on hemo it went up again , given in mind all ive been through its hardly suprising. So i asked the first eye specialst yesterday would the pain im in raise my BP and he said of course it would. Now a couple of days ago my neph upped my tablets and i HAVE  been taking them. Well today i went to diaysis and sure enough the pain kicked in with the result my BP shot up. Now when i get home and chill for a few hours it does lower. But today again the pain was making me vomit and i could only manage 2.45hrs. My BP was right up as you would expect. So in comes the nurse and what does she do but start on me (this is the same nurse that has called me a liar 3 times) and again she tells me there is no way i am taking my BP tablets. So i explained that the specialist said pain would make it rise and how come i always start off lower at the begining of dialysis and as soon as the pain starts my BP shoots up. So what does she say ..'well all the trouble you are having is because your BP IS SO HIGH and YOU ARE GOING TO DIE. So i said hang on i havent even had any tests yet , anything could be causing this pain and why do i not get it all the time if its my BP why when i get home and get away from that dammed place does it start to go down? Again she said ..well im just telling you you are going to die , so i said then why am i seeing 2 specialists if you know it all ? and she said well you wont follow treatment ..WTF all through this pain ive turned up , ok so im not doing my full time but i do stick it out for as long as possible , its not nice being in agony and vomiting all the way through dialysis. Anyway she kept going on and on at me , till i told her to just shut her mouth stop wasting her breathe because i didnt give a shit anymore. Anyway because i was so shocked and upset i rang my mum , big mistake ,now ive gone and upset her cause shes worried sick even more so now than just while i go for these scans, so now i feel awful for upsetting her and feel i should say as little as possible now. I really wonder why i am putting myself through all this crap now , this is not living , i have no quality of life. Im pretty sure i wont make it in to my dialysis on saturday cause i dont give a shit anymore , but strangely enough i feel very calm, which is worrying me. Have i the strength to stop ? I think so . Will i stop who knows ? But ive run out of strength , i cant keep on going like this . If i was an animal i would have been put out of my misery long ago. And yet because im a human being im expected to keep putting myself through this day after day. Please dont give me the chin up prep talk, cause it just isnt happening.

[Darthvadar]

Thinking of you, KS...

What a horrible run of luck you're having...

I'd imagine that your BP meds would show up in your bloods... If that B with an itch is SO sure that you're not taking them, let her arrange a Toxicology Screen with your next lot of blood work... My cardiologist was able to tell me that he knew I was taking my two BP meds, and my Beta Blocker... He could see it in my blood!...

Hope things get better for you....

God bless... 

Darth...

[Rerun]

Kick, I would tell someone about that nurse and what hell she puts you through.  I have no idea what is causing your pain.  I'm sorry you are having to go through this.  I'm not sure I could do it.

Keep us posted.  You are in my  .

[okarol]

That nurse needs a good 

Kickstart, please PM me your phone number.

 

[cariad]

KS, I'm really worried about you. I sincerely believe that your pain is treatable, you just need to find the right medical people. Of course, WE all believe you and know that you've been taking your meds and that you are not leaving dialysis early because you think this is some fun game with the nurse. I hope you can find the strength from somewhere to go out and search for the people who may be able to help you. That nurse is a monster.

I'm keeping a good thought for you.

[jdwills83]

I'm sorry you are having such bad luck and sometimes it feels really good to talk/vent to someone about it; maybe your mum was not the correct person to call....have you ever thought about talking to someone else? Maybe a professional?  It is a whole lot easier to talk to a stranger about things sometimes...trust me I know.

[Sunny]

Isn't there any way for you to avoid that nurse? It seems you would be better off not having to deal with her at all.
Can you ask for another nurse to treat you? You're having tough times, Kickstart, and I really feel for you. I'm sorry things aren't going better for you.

[girliekick]

demand ur basic rights!!! Refuse to be treated by her! If they do not want to fire her, demand she never be allowed to touch u! I had a tech tell me she would not  come back to my alarming machine unless it had stoped working completely. (i was hysterical, stoped my treatment then and there, they were forced to call an emergency meeting and arrang for me to finish the next few months at another clinic) it was a matter of life and death at the time. I was in pain during the treatment, and sick afterwards anddrained on my days off. There was enough physical stress and pain. She is out of line, u r a pt and she is flat out wrong. Go the highest point on ur totem pole. If u need an advocate, i will be happy to do it for u.  we, u me everyone, needs ur emotional well being. It is just as important as ur physical one.
In my heart
girl

[RightSide]

You poor dear, I feel so sorry for you.

Here's a thought:

Have you ever considered emigrating to the United States?

Then you can kiss the British NHS goodbye.  They're not treating you well, that's clear.

I'm serious.  I live in the Boston area, where we have some of the finest hospitals in the world--if you can afford the insurance premiums.

Here in America, money talks.

Come to Boston.  Get treated at Massachusetts General Hospital.

[Lillupie]

Kickstart,
 I am so sorry you are having to endure this. I wish it was not like this. This nurse needs to be let go ASAP! She is very unprofessional! I dont like the sound of her. You cannot say stuff like that to  patient. Cant you go somewhere else?? Make out a formal complaint!

I am praying for you.

Lisa

[kitkatz]

All I can give is 

[RichardMEL]

geez... what a horror run.

I think you need a little mp3 recorder or something hidden on your person recording so when she gives you grief you have some sort of proof. That is no way to treat anyone let alone someone suffering in pain with all the stuff you've gone through. It's one thing to think whatever she wants, but it's not right to be like that... unless she's trying to be "bad cop" nurse trying to scare you into taking your tabs(because SHE thinks you're not - I'm not saying you're not).

no no good.

[Bub]

Richardmel got it right, what a horror run.  But dont make a decision about quitting while you are down, depressed and angry.  Thats your decision, period. But wait awhile before making it.  Dont let one horror run and one nurse out a nightmare push you into a decision that will affect you (and all of us too my friend) forever!

[nursewratchet]

First off, tell the Doc about her.  Second, does she think SHE is not going to die.  HELLO, we all will die someday, she doesn't have some exemption.  If she tells you that again, say "So are you"...

[calypso]

First off, tell the Doc about her.  Second, does she think SHE is not going to die.  HELLO, we all will die someday, she doesn't have some exemption.  If she tells you that again, say "So are you"...

LOL So true. A friend of mine asked me once "Are you going to die?" I was like "Yes. Aren't we all?"

[billybags]

KS, I really do think you have got to have a meeting with all concerned. It should not be like this at any unit.You should not be put under all this pressure when you are not well. You should not be told "you are going to die" Did you ask her what day so you could make arrangements. I really think you need some help, what is your GP like can you talk to him/her. Thinking about you. You must go to hemo to-morrow you are too young to give up, where has all the fight gone?

[Darthvadar]

First off, tell the Doc about her.  Second, does she think SHE is not going to die.  HELLO, we all will die someday, she doesn't have some exemption.  If she tells you that again, say "So are you"...

Nurse is SO right!...

I once heard a doctor say "Life is a Sexually Transmitted condition with a 100% mortality rate!"... How right he is!...

Hope things pick up for you....

Darth...

[paris]

Sending you love and lots of prayers.  I hope a calm sense of peace can fall around you and it will give you hope.   You are loved and respected by so many.  We all hate the amount of pain you have had to deal with.  I wish I could come over and help fight your battle with you.   I am beside you in spirit   

[calypso]

You know what's funny? That nurse that you all think is evil probably cares more about kickstart than anyone thinks. She just has no sense of tact whatsoever and has no idea how to express herself right. 

 Of course she is wrong to accuse a patient of not taking their meds when the patient swears repeatedly that she takes them. It's also obvious she shouldn't be telling any of the patients they are going to die.

But if she didn't care would she even bother? She would just ignore KS and her problems. Maybe she cares too much, and doesn't know how to express it appropriately. Seems like KS is going through a lot and it's an emotionally charged issue for everyone involved. Strong emotions often cause people to say things they later regret.

[sumodidit]

I hate that you are in that situation, but you have to be strong. It suck that being on dialysis we depend on these people (some of them are idiots) to helps us continue living. As for that nurse, screw what she says, that is truly unprofessional, but stupidity is something some of us will see being a patient. You gotta fight back and view your options and seek the help you need to get running as best as possible. Just admitting and venting is first step, next is to evaluate and decide what are the best options, if you don't know ask, ask, ask. wish the best for you!!

[girliekick]

keeping u in my thoughts.

[mikey07840]

King Leon sends purrrrs and I send hugs...

[Hanify]

Have you talked to anyone about seeing a counsellor yet?  That's been mentioned many many times on here.  I don't think you should be trying to get through this on your own!

[Poppylicious]

Have you formally complained about this nurse yet through PALs?  I know it's a hassle to spend time writing letters and whatnot, but they have to investigate all complaints on your behalf, and if it's the only way to get her to take notice that she's really upsetting you (even if she may just care too much but be tactless, as calypso suggests) then it could be a good thing. 

*hugs*

[KICKSTART]

You know what's funny? That nurse that you all think is evil probably cares more about kickstart than anyone thinks. She just has no sense of tact whatsoever and has no idea how to express herself right. 

 Of course she is wrong to accuse a patient of not taking their meds when the patient swears repeatedly that she takes them. It's also obvious she shouldn't be telling any of the patients they are going to die.

But if she didn't care would she even bother? She would just ignore KS and her problems. Maybe she cares too much, and doesn't know how to express it appropriately. Seems like KS is going through a lot and it's an emotionally charged issue for everyone involved. Strong emotions often cause people to say things they later regret.

WRONG !