Anyone know a place?

[gothiclovemonkey]

Im about to lose my mind completely. I cant do this anymore
is there a place like this or something that i can vent it all out or something before i go insane
im really lost right now and i am afraid i wont find my way back before its too late

[fearless]

what's going on?
go ahead and say whatever you want.  i think you're safe here.

[Deanne]

Are you looking for a physical place to go? Where are you? I'll help with some web searches to find you a place. In the meantime, can you talk to us? It's ok if you scream, yell, cry, whatever you want. 

[gothiclovemonkey]

im in illinois, i have a therapist appt coming up, but its pretty far out yet...


im just so sick of everything going on, medically and ...socially? my bf and i are having issues, and idk how to deal with them, and with all the medical crap happening on top of everything else. and i just moved here, moved in with my boyfriend. both my son and i, and i just dont know what to do at this point. i love him, but the stuff thats going on is really getting to me. and i just feel like giving up on it, just leaving. idk if its worth this feeling
i know relationships are hard work, but jesus, is it always going to feel so one sided??
i just want some peace. im so sick of being sick, and soooo tired of people telling me that everything will be ok, and that im the one who is negitive because i love my son enough to want to be sure hed be ok if i died. its just too much
too much

[fearless]

gothislovemonkey,
I wish i could say something to help.  I can only say that I care.  Myself, i get very depressed and hopeless sometimes (a lot of the time) and honestly I've gotten so I just sort of try to not feel it or think about it and I just go into this survival and waiting mode.  So far it's always gotten me through, but I hope I can say i understand.  i have no boyfriend, and no children.  i think my little pet gives me a reason to keep trying and hanging on.  If she were gone I'm not sure I'd have much motivation.  But your son comes before your boyfriend, I think that's the case, right?  It's good to have a boyfriend, but not if he's making you feel worse than if you were alone.  What about bringing him into the therapy?  What's his attitude about something like that?  Does your therapist understand the issues of dialysis?

As far as the medical stuff goes, nobody really understands unless they've been through it themselves.  i get really sick of people telling me everything's going to be ok too.   It's not - I have kidney failure and that means that everything's not ever going to be ok.

[gothiclovemonkey]

i havent met my new therapist yet....
I gave up everything to move here, a wonderful therapist, a good dialysis clinic( altho i love my new drs more!!!!) and my entire family....
my son loves him, so thats not even an issue really. my son will always come first no matter what.

im just so sick of him telling me im being negative when im being real. i know have issues, and i know that some people might take me saying that i hate dialysis and that im scared that im going to die before jareth is 18 as being negative, but im not.... im honestly worried for my son, and i dont see why he cant understand that.
And then theres the other issues, but i think i came up with a solution to that last night. Ill stay and Ill just give him what he actually wants. He doesnt want a lover, he wants a buddy. He treats me like im just one of his guy friends, so thats what ill be. If he doesnt want to cuddle, or kiss, or have sex, fine by me.
and if he wants to keep having the psycho ex gf invade our lives and cause drama.... well, thats fine too. he can have the drama, but i wont be feeling sorry for him in the least.
and if it proves to be too much drama from the ex, my son and i will move. im done trying to talk to a brick wall, and im done with the childish bullshit. i have way too much crap going on with my health to deal with any of this shit.
ill never have the Disney romance, thats a dream that will never come true for me. thats fine.

[fearless]

i think that sounds reasonable.  i don't know anyone who has the Disney romance anyway.  I think it's a little hypocritical that he would accuse you of being negative when your problems are real, while he is allowing drama and an x-gfr on the scene.  You can't change other people and it sounds like you've got a pretty good handle on your own attitude.  I don't think you can really stop worrying about your son, but you can only do the best you can do: to stay healthy and try to make plans for him in case something goes wrong.  I worry a lot too, I find I have to constantly remind myself that worry doesn't really help the situation - and it can actually make you sicker.  hang in there baby (as i say to myself a hundred times a day)

[bleija]

all i can say, is talk to him, let him know where your fears are coming from. explain so he sees that these are legitimate fears and that you are genuinely scared. and not just being negative. i do understand an know where your coming from, and when i did my 6 month run with hemo, i was really depressed and that made everything i said sound negative, and my hubby was getting annoyed with me, but when i sat down with him and completely laid everything on the table and made him understand my fears, he told me everyhting would work out, no matter what happened we would find a way to make it  work. he was a lot more understanding when he got the whole picture from my side.
and as far as disney romance, that doesnt exist. period. anyone that says they have the perfect disney romance is a damn liar. Every couple has issues, every couple has argumnets, its human nature to have conflict, its how you resolve these arguments that define a great relationship.
and thirdly breathe. you have had some scary health issues arise from what i've been reading here recently. it can quickly get overwhelming. with everything they tell you, learn as much as you can about it and how to live with it, therefore helping to ensure that you will be around a long long time for jadeth.

[gothiclovemonkey]

what i meant by a disney romance isnt that everything is perfect, i know thats impossible. i just want a man who loves me for me, and actually wants to love on me, and kiss me, and all the romantic crap, even if only occationally.

tonight was a really crap night for me, he told me hes in over his head, he doesnt think hes mature enough to handle being a family man, and chose for us to be just friends, but an hour later, changes his mind.... saying he loves me doesnt want me to leave and he will make it work..........
how much more confusing can a man get?

and i know if i do go, my son will be crushed. im crushed knowing hes willing to throw it away so easily. that i gave up everything in my life except my son, to be with him... and hes upset because he feels he cant do what he wants when he wants to, all the time. yet i make sure not to bother him when hes playing his games, or watching his shows... all i wanted was a tiny bit of affection once in a while, not for it to seem like a task to him...
so confused.

[gothiclovemonkey]

i guess im going to my dads for a while... not really sure whats going on.

thanks everyone for listening to my rants.

[Grumpy-1]

Sounds like your BF is scared of you.  He REALLY DOESN'T know how to cope with it all.  If he will go to the therapist with you (even just to listen) it would be a great help to both of you.  You are not being "negative" you are afraid too.  Afraid of what is around the next corner, afraid of dying before your son is 18, afraid of this life you have to live.  That is not being negative. 
I agree with everyone comments about "it will be OK".  It isn't OK, but it what it is and we can't change that.  If I tell you "it will be OK" what I mean is that you can cope and continue on.  Simple as that.   It took my wife a while to understand that just because I'm on dialysis doesn't mean I'm OK or normal.  I'm not, I'm sick, I have a serious disease.  One that could kill me.  Yes I'm on dialysis, Yes I can work, Yes I can do SOME things that I want to do, BUT I'm still sick.  We all are.  But we all are coping with it in our own ways.  AGAIN - vent, rant rave, here - let it all out. None of us are therapists (I think) but we do understand your feelings.  Grumpy

[gothiclovemonkey]

rough night last night...
i almost made a bad? decision last night...  i think im more afraid of myself now than i ever have been. i promised my dad i would wait at least until wednesday to hear the doctor, see what he has to say about the heart issue.
i think, if i dont have good news, ill wait, til october, enjoy vegas with u fine people, and go out with a bang
people may think its a selfish choice, and it might be in some ways, my main reason isnt selfish, i dont want my son to see me wilt away into ... disinagration... i dont want him to find me, like i found my mom, i dont want to have him see me go in and out of hospitals forever, i love him to much to make him live that life.
im hoping for good news, and maybe it will bring me out of this funk.... but i hope for the best and prepare for the worst. its gotten me thru this far.
why do any of us have to deal with any of this?

i know this may sound like im whining, when there are people out there, and here, far far worse than me, but i guess they are just stronger.

my brother thinks im possessed by demons, im a sinner, and thats why this is happening to me. but why is this happening to my son?

[MommyChick]

sending thoughts & prayers your way 

[natnnnat]

Hope you're doing a bit better at the moment Gothic.  Rough nights are horrible.  Often tomorrow isn't as bad as today, so I wait till tomorrow.
Big hug to you and your son and your man.

[renalwife]

rough night last night...
 
i think, if i dont have good news, ill wait, til october, enjoy vegas with u fine people, and go out with a bang
i my brother thinks im possessed by demons, im a sinner, and thats why this is happening to me. but why is this happening to my son?

I don't want to second guess, but isn't there a noise ordinance re noise?  If you go out with a bang you might get a ticket for excess noise.  Then if you don't pay the ticket, a bench warrent would be issued, and if still you didn't show up, you would be on American's Most Wanted. 

Not to take you lightly.  I have been there.  Tried that.  Depression really can take over your life.  Tell your medical how you feel, they may be able to help you overcome the depression.  But first do you think you should remove yourself from the cause of this poop-out?  Maybe going to your dad's and staying with him for a while (thatis, if you two get along o.k.) you and your son would be in a happier situation.  From what I have read, it is your bfr who has the negative atttiude, not you.  Let him have his ex gfr, sounds like he would be content with her.  Sure you love him.  But does he really love you?  Does he want you to share your life with him?  Does he want to share his life with you?  Warts and all!  Living together is not a 50%-50% deal.  it takes 100%-100% on both sides.

[AnnieB]

rough night last night...
 
i think, if i dont have good news, ill wait, til october, enjoy vegas with u fine people, and go out with a bang
i my brother thinks im possessed by demons, im a sinner, and thats why this is happening to me. but why is this happening to my son?

I don't want to second guess, but isn't there a noise ordinance re noise?  If you go out with a bang you might get a ticket for excess noise.  Then if you don't pay the ticket, a bench warrent would be issued, and if still you didn't show up, you would be on American's Most Wanted. 

Not to take you lightly.  I have been there.  Tried that.  Depression really can take over your life.  Tell your medical how you feel, they may be able to help you overcome the depression.  But first do you think you should remove yourself from the cause of this poop-out?  Maybe going to your dad's and staying with him for a while (thatis, if you two get along o.k.) you and your son would be in a happier situation.  From what I have read, it is your bfr who has the negative atttiude, not you.  Let him have his ex gfr, sounds like he would be content with her.  Sure you love him.  But does he really love you?  Does he want you to share your life with him?  Does he want to share his life with you?  Warts and all!  Living together is not a 50%-50% deal.  it takes 100%-100% on both sides.

I agree with renalwife. It sounds to me that you are feeling overwhelmed right now with everything that's going on. You have plenty to deal with already with health issues and taking care of your son, to have to also deal with a confusing and painful relationship. If you could step back from this, at least temporarily, it might help you to decide what you really want to do about everything and what is really important to you right now. Don't forget to love yourself first; that's what gives you the strength to love somebody else.

I'll be keeping you in my prayers. 

[gothiclovemonkey]

i honestly dont know what i want anymore lol im so freakin confused about everything.
i know my son would be crushed if we left pj, and so would i. he swears hes done with the ex, and that he didnt mean what he said about wanting to be just friends. he loves me and wants me to stay... he said he spoke without thinking........... idk... seems odd to me, but whatever. only time will tell.
i stayed with my dad, and wanted to talk to him, again he didnt want to talk, so idk, i guess ill just drop it.

its hard to know what to do. i love him, but im so stressed out. and i know i cant stay with my dad, one day over there and i was ready to just die. i actually ran away, i left, with no intention on coming back.... thats not good.

i really feel like no matter what i do, im a screw up, and a burden to everyone, and its only going to get worse as time goes by.
i guess i should have never moved in with him. i thought it would work out, and it might, but its hard for me to have faith in that... now if i go, i hve to break my sons heart. what kind of a shit mother am i?

[okarol]

So sorry you have this stress on top of the health worries - when it rains it POURS! Right?
Maybe you love this guy, but you need a man, and he sounds like a boy, and you already have one of those. I'm sorry, but when someone truly wants to be with someone, he'd cross an ocean, climb a mountain, he would make it work.
Do you have any girlfriends you can stay with? Or rent a room from a friend? I'm not saying you should make any sudden changes, but it's always nice to have a back-up plan so you don't feel trapped. And girlfriends will have your back.
Try not to project too far ahead about your health, your mom, your son. For today take care of what you can. Tomorrow will always be there.
Love you sweet girl. Call me if you need to. I will PM my phone number. 

[gothiclovemonkey]

unfortunately, i was never really blessed with friends outside of the internet. and the few that i would consider friends, wouldnt be able to take me in.
im a very weird person, i hide it well, but if ur around me long enough, im a total weirdo. at least, usually, online i can think before i speak, know my audience, and all that. im socially ...handicapped?
He is a manchild, but he said hed try. so im giving it another try.
they canceled my appt wed, have to reschedule, im not happy about that, now ill probably have to wait even longer to know something. since my phone is shut off they send a letter.. telling me to reschedule asap

[fearless]

when I read you saying you "leave your BF alone when he wants to play his games or watch tv" I thought: oh my God, he's one of those.  I know the type.  They seem very gallant, intelligent, charming, but they are little boys inside.  He may have some kind of anxiety disorder where he's actually addicted to the games.  Does he drink and/or smoke?  Addictions usually go hand in hand with anxiety disorders.  Games, alcohol, cigarettes, pot, whatever.  His anxiety will come between the two of you.  If he has any self-awareness, he may be able to address the issue.  If not, you're in for continued disappointment whenever he puts his needs to "de-stress" ahead of any responsibility to those he loves.  You're really not asking for much, yet he can't seem to give even that.  Keep talking to him about it.  You may have a medical problem, but it sounds like he has his own problems.  Maybe you can work out some things together if you're both willing.

I see you're on the transplant list.  that seems like a hopeful thing.  Things could get better eventually, right?  That's how I'm hanging on right now.

[gothiclovemonkey]

Im positive he has some major issues that he needs to deal with, but hes unwilling. and he doesnt like talking about anything, unless its something he enjoys.

im inactive now, until they find out whats wrong with the heart. thats why im not making any major decisions until we know whats wrong with my heart. ill go from there.

[Poppylicious]

when I read you saying you "leave your BF alone when he wants to play his games or watch tv" I thought: oh my God, he's one of those.  I know the type.  They seem very gallant, intelligent, charming, but they are little boys inside.  He may have some kind of anxiety disorder where he's actually addicted to the games.

And just to be fair ... my Blokey constantly plays his computer game from the moment he gets in till the moment he goes to bed (toilet, food and drink breaks and tellybox programmes excepted).  If he's watching a programme which he LOVES then he'll pause it whilst huffing and puffing if I start nattering away to him.  He doesn't have an anxiety disorder (that would be me) and isn't a 'little boy' inside! Some people are just 'like that' and we've learnt to live happily together, but we have been together ten years - and sharing the same roof for eight - so we've had time to get used to and understand each others little foilbles and can compromise. 

GLM, you're finding out that your bf isn't necessarily the chap you thought he was and/or he (maybe) can't offer you and J what you need right now.  I really hope that things start to move in the right direction, but whatever decision you make, don't stay with the bf just because you don't think you could stand living with dad (stepmum?) again.  Also, don't stay with the bf just because you don't want to upset J.  If you're going to stay with him do so because you want to and because he treats you in the way you want to be treated, not because it's the most convenient option.  Ultimately only you can make the decision and I understand how hard it is for you. 

Make sure they reschedule this appointment asap!  Damn them!

*huggles* ...

[M3Riddler]

Im positive he has some major issues that he needs to deal with, but hes unwilling. and he doesnt like talking about anything, unless its something he enjoys.

im inactive now, until they find out whats wrong with the heart. thats why im not making any major decisions until we know whats wrong with my heart. ill go from there.

When I get down, I always think that there is someone out there that is worse off than me.... Have you educated yourself about your condition?  Many leave it up to the docs to tell you whats going on.... I find that you get more info educating yourself....    Just hang in there. 

[gothiclovemonkey]

i dont mind so much that he wants to play games and watch his shows, but he makes it confusing, because ill leave him alone to do that, then he wonders why im leaving him alone... and it wouldnt be so bad, if he would occationally show some type of affection, any... he has been trying, that i can tell. so im not even going to complain there but before it was just like....nothing. i personally dont want him up my butt 24/7 either, just an occational show of lover would be nice.

i know many people have to far worse than me. i dont even think i have it that bad, its just the thought of my son dealing with all of my sickness crap that has me down. its not fair to him.
i would do my research if they would tell me what to look at lol i dont really know much, the one thing i did know, i looked up. which btw, just freaked me out, not knowing the stage im in... as soon as they tell me whats up, ill do my research. ive learned that you cant rely on a doctor to tell u anything u really need to know.

i just have so much piled on right now, most of it is everyday ever person on earth problems, but between the health crap, getting jareth ready for school, getting jareths appts in order, my appts in order, keeping the house up, keeping everyone happy, trying to figure out how to pay everything and still put food on the table (because i have 2 children apparently "can i buy this? can i get this? LOL really? no.) thankfully i think i figured out the bills issue, im pretty awesome when it comes to money, i just need to be that pain in the ass naggy woman i dont want to be, to be sure everything comes out right.
and then even though i no longer live with my dad and step mom, she calls me with all her troubles, so i have to hear things i realllllly dont want to about their relationship.


its just alot on my plate at one time. and im a worrier, always have been. i just want to know that whatever is wrong with the heart can be fixed, and ill get back on the list, and everything will be fine... im so scared about that. i dont want my son to deal with it at all.
people say they are stronger than we give them credit for but, i remember what it was like. I had a great childhood but there was a lot i saw that i really wish i hadnt. it may have made me strong, made me who i am, but it also made me rather morbid and apparently negative....

appointment is on friday now. they had some scheduling mixup. wait wait wiat wait

[AnnieB]

I'll be thinking about you on Friday and hoping you get good news