Anyone know a place?

[gothiclovemonkey]

I went to the ER thursday during dialysis, because i had chest pains. they sent me.
The kept me, did a cardiac cath in the a.m. then dialysis after, on friday. said that there was damage to my heart, they arent sure if it was a heart attack or what it was, and my e.f.(ejection fraction??) is 30-35, normal is 60-65. and gave me new meds, told me to change my diet (didnt really tell me howwwww) and stop smoking (of course) and sent me home at 8 pm because i begged them to let me out.

While im in the hospital, my bf pj drives up to see me, the car poops out on his way home, about 30 miles from home...
then we get home via my dads car (the one ive been using since may) and we have a serious gnat problem, because while i was away food was left on the stove and in the sink...
sat. i do my reg. dialysis treatment during whick my leg is shooting pain, idk why, i get done there, go home, told we need to  go grocery shopping, so i go do that,  locked the car doors, and ill be damned if we dont get locked out because the door is broke, and the remote lock thing comes up missing, come home and go to bed.
today i wake up to a swarm of gnats that is pretty ridiculous so i clean the hell out of the house, causing my leg to hurt worse, hoping that i havent over done it after having that cath...
THEN my step mom calls me, saying shes taking the car ive been using since may to get back and forth to dialysis, because i allowed my bf to drive it to work this morning so i didnt have to get out at the buttcrack of dawn............ so i say whatever take it, hang up and im telling pj about it, and realize we just filled the tank up, so i called and told my dad im going to need that money we p[ut in the tank so i can get a taxi to go to dialysis. he says i can use the car,but only i can, and honestly she started this crap while i was in the hospital, saying that a nurse told her i wasnt allowed to drive anymore, which is bs because they never told me that. im so sick of her bullshit. i understand if they dont want him driving, but i still think thats stupid. and for her to react this way is even more stupid.

NOW< my bf is 30 miles away trying to get the car home, he gets it about half way, GETS PULLED OVER because the brake lights failed him, and guess what, THE CAR IS DEAD AGAIN. and the cop is saying he has to get it off the road NOW. so there is another large amount of money for towing....

Really?
when it rains, it pours.
im so beyond angry now.

[fearless]

I'm so sorry.  that is very true and I'm experiencing the downpour right now too.  I'm praying for everybody all the time.

[okarol]

Awww man, so sorry about how hard it's been , it just isn't right.
 

[gothiclovemonkey]

Thank you everyone. Id like to appologize if sometimes I get too depressing or crazy. I really dont want to do d anymore, but i know i have to... even if sometimes i think it would be best if i didnt... thank you for listening to me gripe. its been rough lately, for a lot of people. and sometimes i just have to let it all out... i dont really have people that i talk to offline.....
an update...
I guess my doctor is going to drug me lol
i probably should just take the crap.. i hate pills, especially for depression, i feel like they change me.
ive battled this crap all my life, and sometimes i can do it without the meds, but then when im faced with everything that seems to be happening right now, its probably best i just take something.... idk.

it makes me angry that i cant get through the really hard times without a stupid pill. im on enough as it is, with the kidney and heart crap.

Now, to top it all off, my son is having troubles too... idk if its all the stress from moving and a new school or what, but ive got him set up to see someone, just to see if maybe he just needs a person to talk to.... since he wont talk to me about it. (ive tried, but he says everythings fine and kisses on me...hes so sweet) The poor thing keeps having accidents too, which is so out of nowhere... hes 8. since he was potty trained we havent had a problem with this, so idk whats going on. and his attitude is atrocious. i just want my baby to be happy. i hope he didnt inherit my mental issues! thats a battle that cant be won...
and i got a letter, officially telling me i am inactive until i lose more weight, and show compliancy for 3 mos... because recently i havent been the model patient ....

[MaryD]

Gothic  - I have a theory about the age of eight

When I was eight I think I had the next best thing to a nervous breakdown.  There were red-backed spiders under the toilet seat, snakes in the vegetable patch, bad bus fires all summer (we lived on an ammunition depot), the wall of my bedroom was propped up because it was falling out, and I was learning to swim at a place in the river just below a huge weir - and other scary happenings.

When my son was eight, he seemed to have similar problems with his own crises.  It was a very anxious period.

Looking back on it, I wonder if eight is the age when we realise were are mortal.

Just keep giving him hugs.  Someone else to talk to sounds like a good idea, too.  He has had some major shifts recently - maybe he needs to catch up with himself again

[gothiclovemonkey]

Sometimes I think this move was a terrible idea...
While im glad to be "on my own" instead of around the psycho step mom, i wonder how all of this is effecting my son, i know how it is effecting me, and i dont think its a good thing... im not sure.
my fear right now, if i chose to leave, how much more worse will that be for my son? do i try to pretend to be happy, when im not, just to keep him from feeling more traumatized by yet another change?
i love my bf dearly, but im really unhappy right now... maybe i just need drugs or something, but i feel so alone right now. i feel like he doesnt actually want me here, but for some reason he claims he does... he doesnt like me talking about anything, he wants "him" time constantly, hes selfish, and he isnt interested in me half the time... what the heck? i try to bring up what the problem is, he either ignores it, or says "you're right, it'll change, promise" and never does....
I dont understand why people cant show their true colors BEFORE making big leaps... its so stupid. be real with people, dont put on a front. be honest.
ugh i wish i could just climb into a hole and never come out sometimes.

i want the best for my son, but i have no idea what that is right now. i feel so lost.

[frankswife]

Gothic, I am sending lots of  and  your way. Hang in there. 

[Rain]

Gotihic,

Hugs and hang in there. Do get someone for your son to talk to.  My mother was sick when I was growing up, she has been sick since I could remember, and I had no one to talk to.  If I had someone to talk to it would have made growing up a lot easier.  IT wasn't until I was in my late teens that I got a grip and control of my emotions.       

[fearless]

Gothic, I wish I knew what the right thing to do was.  I think Rain gives good advice regarding your son.  Certainly you shouldn't try to "hide" yourself from him.  Kids know what's going on.  Maybe the most you can do is whatever will assure him that you love him and care about him.  And then forgive yourself that you can't do more.. You're sick!  It's not your fault!  Of course you worry about your son, but you can't control the situation - you can only do your best within the situation.  Keep loving him,  Give him an outlet for his own struggles, and then just enjoy him as much as you can.  Sometimes hope surprises you.  It surprised me today.  Everything is just as shitty as it was yesterday, but a light of hope found its way into my heart.  i honestly can't tell you how.  i was focusing on love I felt from an almost-stranger far away. Not romantic love, not even friendship - just the love of a fellow human being who cared about me for no good reason except that that's what we're supposed to do: love each other.  Don't stop loving.  It will find its way back to you somehow, someway, someday...
 

[gothiclovemonkey]

just another update, to add to the crazyness happening all around me
today at D, the nurse said I may need a blood transfusion, but they decided to wait, do more blood work and see if my hemoglobin went up any.
wednesday, i had a meeting with my sons school. they think he has autism. it certainly would explain a lot.
when i found that out, i came home to tell my bf... that didnt go very well.
im even more confused that i was before. i dont quite understand how i can be so in love with someone and know its just... idk... its not right some how.
i really have no idea what im doing

dr. put me on celexa... maybe that will make things better, although i still think its ridiculous, who the hell wouldnt be a bit down right now? especially people like us, dealing with all the crap we do. a pill cant change this, or make any of it go away.

[bleija]

About raising hemoglobin, eat lots and lots of broccoli. as long as your potassium is ok,... thats the only downside. When i was on PD i had to get epo shots all the time. this lady at work would eat broccoli all the time and she said it raises hemoglobin. I tried it since potassium wasnt an issue,and went almost 2 years w/o needing any shots and my hemoglobin was between 11 and 13 every month. the only time i needed epo was when i did hemo, and that was bc i couldnt have potassium. and it dropped down to about 6 and didnt go above 8,i had epo every treatmenmt along with iron too. i absolutely hated it too.

just another update, to add to the crazyness happening all around me
today at D, the nurse said I may need a blood transfusion, but they decided to wait, do more blood work and see if my hemoglobin went up any.
wednesday, i had a meeting with my sons school. they think he has autism. it certainly would explain a lot.
when i found that out, i came home to tell my bf... that didnt go very well.
im even more confused that i was before. i dont quite understand how i can be so in love with someone and know its just... idk... its not right some how.
i really have no idea what im doing

dr. put me on celexa... maybe that will make things better, although i still think its ridiculous, who the hell wouldnt be a bit down right now? especially people like us, dealing with all the crap we do. a pill cant change this, or make any of it go away.

[fearless]

when your kidneys stop producing erythropoetin, which is the hormone that tells your bone marrow to manufacture RBCs, it doesn't matter what you eat or how much of it you eat, you're going to become anemic.  There's a blood test that can determine if this is what's causing your anemia.  When your rbc count goes down your erythropoetin level should go up - if it doesn't, you're kidneys aren't making enough.  Anemia can also be caused by not enough iron.  Your doctors should really be trying to figure out why your Hg is low, or if they know that already they should be talking to you about it.  If it's caused by no erythropoetin there are drugs you can take so you can avoid a transfusion, which can create antibodies and make it harder to find a transplant for you.

This is NOT to say that you shouldn't eat broccoli - because it's an extremely healthful food and helps prevent stomach cancer! 

and again Gothic, I'm thinking of you and hoping for you to find a resolution to your living situation. 

[bleija]

i know it sounds crazy, but it works for hemoglobin, my RBCs have always ran on the lower side of normal. but personal experience makes me a beleiver and i am the first to spread it ewhen i see pppl having issues with their own.
i thought it was crazy til i tried it.

[fearless]

bleija,  if you tend to be anemic due to lack of iron in your diet broccoli can help.  It also contains Vit C which helps the body absorb iron.  Broccoli can also reduce the body's acidity.  Acidity can shorten the life of RBCs.  So I don't doubt that broccoli is helping you as you say it is.  (thanks for reminding me about all the great things about broccoli!)

http://www.organicfacts.net/health-benefits/vegetable/health-benefits-of-broccoli.html
"Anemia: Anemia is directly related to lack of iron and certain proteins. Broccoli is rich in both of these and hence forms an excellent remedy for anemia..."

But it's important for people on dialysis to understand the cause of their anemia.  For people who have normal kidneys anemia is typically caused by low iron.  But since people on dialysis can lose blood during treatment they might need more iron than they can get from their foods.  IV iron can help increase iron available for Hg production.  Taking vit C tabs help them absorb it.  Also erythropoetin-simulating-agents can take the place of the hormone that the kidneys aren't producing any more, so that people can avoid transfusions.

So, again it's very very good to eat broccoli.  But there are also things in broccoli that dialysis patients have to look out for (as you've said potassium, but also phosphorus.)  If a person is so anemic that they need a transfusion, and they've had their iron levels checked and they're OK, then they probably need to start using an ESA) 

[fearless]

Gothic, I'm so glad bleija brought my attention back to this post.

If you are anemic enough that they're talking about giving you a transfusion then there may be a very good chance that a big part of the reason you're feeling depressed and emotionally confused is because you feel like crap due to anemia.  I have a lot of experience with how anemia can make you feel because I spent years getting more and more anemic before I finally went on dialysis and started getting epogen.  When I finally got treatment they gave me not one, but two pints of blood, and that still only brought me up to about 7-8.  I was at 4.  It can really play with your thinking.  I encourage you to stay on top of your docs with this.  Maybe if you can start feeling better physically you will start feeling better emotionally too. 

[bleija]

that is very true, the day i got a transfusion. i went to dialysis as i normally did, when they saw me, the nurses asked me what are u doing here? um here for my chair... and then they go get to the hospital u need blood, and idk the way they rushed me out was overwhlmeing and i just started crying, not wailing but couldnt hold the tears, and looking back the week leading up to that i wa sreally depressed and almost anything would make me cry... and anyone that knows me, knows that it is like a bluie moon for me to cry...