I expect to be judged but I have to get this off my chest

[Desert Dancer]

I love cats. Absolutely adore them. I've always had cats throughout my life and they've always been the perfect companions. All the cats I've ever had have been mellow, sprawled out on their backs, poured across your lap cats. All of them have played fetch and come purring onto my chest to give me kisses and affectionate head-butts, and have snuggled up against me while I sleep. I've always had an affinity and respect for their self-sufficient and independent natures. I've always found as long as you keep the litter box clean and the food bowl full, they're generally pretty happy.

That's all changed.

At the end of September I rescued a cat from an acquaintance. She was about 7 months old - the first older cat I've ever taken in, all my others were kittens - and was two days from going to the shelter. Her history is unknown but we surmise she was abandoned at some point, because she'd obviously been trained not to go on counters or scratch furniture, and she's litter trained as well. She was found under some shrubs with a litter of kittens. I know that older animals are generally less adoptable - it's the reason I took her -and now I know why.

This cat has issues. Serious issues. What we've ended up with is an over-caffienated chihuahua in a cat's body. She has SEVERE separation anxiety like nothing I've ever seen. She is never more than 6 inches from your side and god help you if you want to cook, clean, shower, take a crap or sleep. She NEVER SHUTS UP. She yowls, meows, cries and whines constantly, and I do mean constantly. The only time she shuts up is when she's in your lap and guess what? My back is acting up again and the only thing I can't do is sit. When Andy leaves in the morning she yowls and whines for an hour-and-a-half. When she realizes I'm still home, does she come in the bed and snuggle up? No. She sits at the threshold of the bedroom and yowls. If I go out on the front porch to enjoy the sunshine she goes straight to the window and yowls. If I take a shower she sits at the bathroom door and yowls. And she begs for food. And begs. And begs.

The absolute worst is nighttime. Up until a week ago we left the bedroom door open and ALL NIGHT LONG she'd climb all over us and whine in our faces to try and wake us up. I mean, every ten minutes. Finally I had enough and starting closing the bedroom door. Guess what happens when you close a door and she's on the opposite side? No, I mean besides yowling. Yeah, she throws up in front of the door. I've had to resort to just putting in earplugs every night and those damned things hurt after a few hours.

Andy is no help at all, as a matter of fact he compounds the situation. He insists on giving her snacks THREE TIMES A DAY, to the point where you can't get within three feet of the sideboard (where we keep the snacks) without her setting up a racket and begging for more. He feeds her from his plate, not often, but it only takes one time. If she jumps up on the bed whining in the middle of the night, he pets her. I've tried to tell him it's just reinforcing her behavior - like giving in to a child's temper tantrum, but he doesn't care. He says, "It doesn't bother me. I just go back to sleep." Well, isn't that just peachy? Andy falls asleep in about ten minutes, average. It takes me two hours, average. And if I get woken up in the middle of the night? Great, I get to start that two hour clock again. He's never had really serious, sustained insomnia so he just doesn't get it.

The long and short of it is: I despise this cat. I mean, I really hate her. I've tried to have compassion and understanding but it just isn't happening. She's clingy, whiny, utterly unable to amuse herself and is driving me out of my mind. Nothing makes her happy. I've tried those pheromone plug-ins, nothing. I've tried medicated snacks, nothing. I've tried water additives, nothing. The vet has offered me Prozac (for her, not me) and that really will be the last resort, if I choose to try it. She's miserable, I'm miserable and she's a source of friction between Andy and I because sometimes I will just SNAP and yell at her to "SHUT UP!" and he doesn't understand I'm at wit's end with her by the time he gets home. She's not as bad when he's home because guess what? He doesn't have to do anything but shower and settle into his recliner for the rest of the night, which is all right by her - she stays in his lap all evening and (re)commences yowling and whining when he gets up to go to bed.

I want to make this work, I really do, but it's been four months of hell and I don't think I can take any more. It's only a matter of time before I lose my mind and drop-kick her out the door. I'm not happy feeling this way. I'm ashamed. I feel like a goddamned unfeeling monster but I can't help the way I feel. All I wanted to do was give her a stable, loving home; I know she can feel the hostile vibes coming off me and that isn't helping, either.

So now I have to decide what to do with her. We've thought about getting a kitten to keep her occupied but I really didn't want to get another cat, and what if the new cat picks up on HER behaviors? Then I'd have twice the problem. We've thought about throwing her out at night - I could probably tolerate her the rest of the time if we did that - but there are just too many dangers out there: feral cats, packs of dogs, etc.  Besides, with my luck she'd probably crawl underneath the house and yowl directly under the bedroom all night. It seems the only choice is a shelter but I don't think she should have to die (obviously I'll look for a 'no-kill' shelter) just because she's high maintenance. I'd love to find her a good home - maybe with kids or other animals to keep her occupied - but I simply don't have any kind of network where I can do that. So do I lie to the shelter and just blame it on allergies, or do I tell the truth and seal her fate as unadoptable? I can tell you if my acquaintance had been honest with me I never would have taken her in the first place; if I'd wanted a high-strung dog I would have adopted a high-strung dog.

There's no real point to this, I guess. I know it's not a 'real' problem. I just had to get it off my chest and I have nobody else I can rant to.

[ToddB0130]

Sorry to hear you're so frustrated and I don't have any good advice.  You have to take your own well being and peace of mind into consideration. Just like with people, animals can have behaviorial issues.  (I don't currently have any pets,  but I would be leery of taking in someone else's .... there's usually a reason they're giving the animal away .... and often they might not be 'up front' about the "real" reason.  I would only agree to adopt someone else's animal if they agreed to a two week period for potential return if it didn't work out .......I'm sure most people wouldn't agree to that, but that's okay too.  Like I said,  I don't really want someone else's abandoned pet).

I had friends who adopted a dog that was outwardly hostile to certain people .... lucky me was one of them.  And when the dog finally nipped at me,  I said I couldn't come to their home anymore if they let the dog loose (I'm diabetic and wounds don't always heal so easy).   They agreed to keep the dog in a locked room when they were having company, parties, etc.  But ultimately,  I think they had to get rid of the dog because it attacked a neighbor's dog,  bit an elderly friend.  It was a mess.

I hope you're able to work out some of these issues.  I can understand at four months wanting to throw in the towel.  Have you checked into any potential 'no kill' shelters around your area ?  You can probably explain the situation and advise them that they might want to keep the cat as part of their own 'family', rather then adopt it out again.  Maybe make a donation towards food and care (which you're already doing keeping the cat anyway).

Worst case,  try the prozac for yourself !  I'm kidding.

[natnnnat]

I love this crazy cat story.  I mean, its no fun for you, but its so funny the way you've written it.  I love cats n all too, but not clingy yap puppies, so I can relate.  She needs to live in a retirement home, with 30 or so empty laps waiting to be sat on.  And people who can't quite hear her yowl.   

[amanda100wilson]

Give the cat the prozac, it's worth a try.  Then, if that fails, the only option seems to be to take her to a shelter if she's causing so much stress.  I love cats but that would drive me up the wall.

[cariad]

You have no reason to feel ashamed, DD. I think your acquaintance should feel ashamed.

I have heard good things about pets and prozac. There are also animal behaviouralists that could help, but I'd hate to see you throw more money after this if it is just doomed to fail. I wouldn't worry too much about the other dangers outside - does she still have her claws? Growing up, my cats were all outdoor cats (I wasn't supposed to ever let them in the house, but I did all the time.) We did have a few problems, but all of them lived long lives that I can only assume were happy. The worst incident was when one had a litter of kittens (she adopted us when she was about to give birth) and my father made me keep them in the garage and one night the door was left open and all but one were attacked by some animal and killed. We think the mom tried to fight back because she suffered a broken leg. OK, that was awful, but the survivor and her mom lived with us until they both died in their teens. Lesson is don't leave a box of defenseless kittens outside, but a full-grown cat can take care of herself.

We did have one run away.... hint, hint....

[Desert Dancer]

We did have one run away.... hint, hint....

Heh. Don't think I haven't anticipated her being 'lost in the move' (wink, wink, nudge, nudge) when we do move. I've also considered popping the screen out of the back bedroom window and telling Andy she leaned against it and fell out.

I'm not so much concerned about her being able to defend herself against dogs and other cats; she does still have her claws and we've had her spayed. People are another matter and people seem to be particularly cruel when it comes to cats. We hear gunfire here on a not-too-infrequent basis and there are always sickos who will put out poison (or she could be simply poisoned unintentionally).

I've emailed the vet and asked for the sedatives, so we'll see what happens. Keep your fingers crossed! 

[sullidog]

If it gets too much try to give her to a good home.

[Traveller1947]

Hi, Desert Dancer!  I told my sister, the cat expert, about your 'problem' cat and she zeroed in on an explanation for her behavior right away.  Your cat's previous owner must have been a constant companion to her and the cat bonded to her/him as mother and child.  Now that they're separated, however it happened, she's bereft and looking for the closeness she had and lost.  A cat has only one voice, my sister reminded me, and can only express her grief, rage, bewilderment one way, by yowling.  Maybe this cat isn't the right one for you, since you have so much else to deal with.  If that's the case, sullidog's advice is simple and to the point: if it gets too much try to give her a good home.  In case you think you can keep her, my sister had a few suggestions: make use of the Prozac that your vet recommended.  Make her a cozy bed by the side of your bed, so you can reach down and pet her when she's restless.  If you're angry and frustrated with her, the cat definitely senses that and it's cause for more anxiety and bewilderment on her part.  It's a tough situation: your heart was in the right place, wanting to take in this poor homeless cat, but think of your own needs first.  That will turn out to be the best thing for both you and the little cat.

[RichardMEL]

I'm a cat lover and this is quite distressing because I know how much you are and how much you want it to work and for her(and you) to be happy. Maybe you can't. I wonder if there are any feline animal behaviour specialists in the PHX area (or are you in Tuscon? sorry I forget) - anyway in the local area you could contact that may have some ideas if the drugs don't work.

7 months old, well now nearly a year I guess is still pretty young I reckon but def. bordering on the age where her trauma may not be able to be addressed easily

I feel for you all really. This is no fun You have worked SO HARD and tried so many options - no body could fault you for wanting to take her to a shelter - though it seems that it would compound the issue for this particular kitty.

 

[Poppylicious]

She isn't unadoptable.  I would have her (seriously ... you have my address; send her over!)  There will be somebody out there who is willing to take her on, as long as they're aware of what she's like.  She can also be trained out of that behaviour, but it takes a lot of work and dedication and you're probably not in the mood for that!  And it sounds as though Andy would probably ruin any hard work you put into it!

 

Does she ever go outside?  She was obviously used to going out before you took her on; perhaps it would help to let her out.  My cats would go stark raving bonkers if I didn't let them out; I know I'm taking a risk by letting them out (Mog in particular is rubbish at following the correct procedure for crossing the road) but I'd rather they were happy than miserable and stifled.  I'm not sure a kitten (or another cat) would help; it might make her worse, and there's always the risk they won't get on. 

If you're miserable and she's miserable, and the sedatives don't work, then there's no harm in trying to find her another home.  Bless you both! 

*huggles*

[Gerald Lively]

I have five cats and a Chihuahua.  Mama Kitty was a feral cat that I took in.  She immediately dropped a litter in the closet.  The cats all stayed away from me until we got the dog.  Now, they compete for attention.  You think you have problems?

Resolution:  The dog jumps on my bed at night and immediately crawls to the bottom of the bed, under the covers, and stays there all night.  Auggie moves to make room for my feet.  The cats sleep with my wife, separate bedroom (I’m old and snore).  She usually get three cats at night, the others wander outside and sleep in the pumphouse (I built it to the size of a single car garage).  In the day time it is “keep the dog and cats apart”.  Auggie thinks he is as big as a Russian Wolfhound. 

If your cat is such a problem that it represents a negative on your lifestyle, you have little choice in what to do. Send it to the pound.

[jbeany]

Nope, not judging.  I love my furbaby - but sometimes you have to put your own mental health before that of a pet.  I don't think you hate her, either.  If you truly hated her, she'd be dead already and you wouldn't be fussed about it.  You're just at the end of your rope and totally sleep deprived.  Give her away, even if it's back to the pound.  Explain that she needs constant contact.  I'm betting there's someone out there who is housebound and lonely who would love a kitty that wants to be with them all the time.

[Desert Dancer]

Wow, thank you so much for the support and suggestions! I really wasn't expecting it; I mean, it's kind of like saying you don't like your own child, you know? Other people tend to pull their own children closer and back slowly away from you like you're some evil freak.

It's been suggested by quite a few people - including the vet - that we let her outside. I've no objection to that, really, if it comes to it, but it would simply be to get her away from me. Even though she spent part of her life outdoors she really doesn't seem all that interested in going out. At least, she isn't sitting by the doors and yowling. When she wants food, she sits next to the food container and I'd think if she wanted out that would be clear, too. I'm convinced, though, that if we threw her out she'd just sit outside the door and yowl to come inside with us. She got out accidentally on Christmas Day and I was certain we'd never get her inside again. All it took was Andy going inside and she was in like a shot as soon as she saw him headed for the door.

She isn't unadoptable.  I would have her (seriously ... you have my address; send her over!)  There will be somebody out there who is willing to take her on, as long as they're aware of what she's like.  She can also be trained out of that behaviour, but it takes a lot of work and dedication and you're probably not in the mood for that!  And it sounds as though Andy would probably ruin any hard work you put into it!

Poppylicious, if I could think of a way to get her to you without traumatizing her and spending a fortune, I'd do it! And you're right, Andy would (does) just undo everything so there's really no effective way for me to train her.

Worst case,  try the prozac for yourself !  I'm kidding.

Don't think I haven't thought about that!

If your cat is such a problem that it represents a negative on your lifestyle, you have little choice in what to do.

Sigh. You know, we had to go out today to do errands and I realized, as we pulled up in front of the house, that I was utterly dreading coming home because of her. That can't be good.

no body could fault you for wanting to take her to a shelter - though it seems that it would compound the issue for this particular kitty.

That's exactly why I'm desperately trying to hang on; she needs stability and I know we're at least the fourth home she's had. She's insanely attached to Andy and I can't imagine how much worse she'd get if she were separated from him.

In any case, I'm picking up the Prozac (or whatever he's prescribed) on Friday. One more day. One more day. Please, this has GOT to work.

[CebuShan]

I so understand! I had a feral Maine Coon that was extremely clingy. I basically learned how to do almost everything with one hand after I came home because he had to be held like a toddler! wasn't easy considering he was 20+ lbs! He would yowl like he was chewing me out for being gone too long. The pom we have actually bit me when we first got him! We did have a dog that we had to give up because he was too destructive when left alone. We were both working at tie time & didn't have tie time to devote to him. (Prozac wasn't around back then) It was hard because he was a good dog just very needy. If you have to hire her up, don't beat yourself up, you have tried all you could! Best of luck and lots of kitty kisses to you!        

[Riki]

My cat was 2 years old when I got him.  He was abused by the ex-boyfriend of the lady who gave him to me.  She was also abused by him, but she found out that, even though he wasn't supposed to be in her house, he'd come around when he knew she was at work and abuse the animals.  At first, he was very antisocial.  He ran from me and my brother and hid in closets and empty Baxter boxes.  It took several months before he would approach either of us, but he really didn't like being left alone.  He had to know that someone was there.  The apartment that bro and I live in had a huge veranda.  It was awesome, actually.  Since it was summer when we lived there, we liked to sit outside, but Reese would just yowl and cry about being left alone inside.  What we did was, when we went outside, since one of the living room windows faced the veranda, bro would open the window (screen in, of course) so that the cat could see, hear, and smell us and the outside.  He'd just sit in the window and watch us after that.  Once I moved home with him, he really began to setle.  I think my mom's cat may have had some kind of conversation with him like, "dude, these people aren't going to hurt you.  Trust me, I've been here my whole life, I know.  Just act cute, and they'll treat you like a king."  *LOL*  He still won't sit on my lap, unless I'm outside. I haven't figured that one out yet, but he sticks close to me, and if he thinks he's alone, he'll cry until I call him.  Moving and getting new owners is stressful on a cat, since they are creatures of routine, and since this cat has moved 4 times already, she's probably just waiting for the moment you give her to someone else.

[Chris]

To bad yet also a good thing your cat knows how to open doors to atleast feed itself, but bad if you want privacy and the door doesn't latch. Our female cat learned from our male cat to open doors/ cupboards.

[Riki]

My cat only knows how to open doors that are not closed all the way.  God forbid you go to the bathroom to take a crap, and he didn't get in there first. *L*  An angry yowl will come out of him, and you can almost hear him stomping away. *LOL*  I don't close my bedroom door, due to claustrophobia, unless it's absolutely necessary.  It never stays closed longer than a few minutes.  I had dreams when I was a child of getting up in the morning, opening my bedroom door, and the rest of the house and my family were gone, there being a gaping hole where the rest of the house used to be.  My mom locks him out of her bedroom sometimes.  Those are the nights he comes in with me, to sleep on my head. Unfortunately, my mother has the pictures to prove that one

[Gerald Lively]

We have lived here for 35 years.  Mountains.  People would drive up to this part of the state and dump their unwanted pets.  The dogs hardly ever survived but more often than not, the cats would find their way to our place.  We always took them in. 

One day this small white cat came crawling through the brush, it was starving so badly that it could barely walk and it had no real voice – only a “whisky” kind of meow.  I was washing the car when I spotted  the cat. My wife picked it up and decided it was a male and named it “Moe”.  Little by little Moe came back to health.  This was one of the truly great cats in the world.  Moe eventually had a litter, small by most standards – three cats at a time.  We kept them all.  Pickles, Tiger and Scooter.  Pickles had this neat habit of getting up on the bed and falling over as if shot.

Moe lived with us for ten years before passing away from old age.

We now have Max, Sam, Mama, Suzie, and Mindy.  Auggie the dog is coping.

All of our pets are free to come and go through a pet door.

gerald 

[amanda100wilson]

Desertdancer, did you sort the cat out?   What happened?

[gothiclovemonkey]

I thought id add my two cents!
Im not a cat person myself, but i am an all around animal loverr, and i can imagine what ur going thru isnt easy!
Id suggest the prozac, if it doesnt work, then take her to the pound?

Recently Ive encountered a dog (i love LOVE dogs) that doesnt like me. The issue? Im dating his 'dad' and he does not like that one bit. I cant go near him without him feeling threatened. This weekend I was there, and my bf was asleep... oh buddy... big doggy did NOT like me being there while 'dad' slept!!! (and let me tell u this dog is a monsterous thing! his head is bigger than mine, his paws are like bear claws...hes HUGE) I have NEVER been afraid of a dog in my life... this dog scared me, to the point i was crying and almost left...
Now, this bothers me because i definitely do NOT want my bf to have to chose between me and his doggy... but the danger orf me (or my son, if we moved in together) getting bit is really really high...
My bf has already said to me he would take the dog somewhere before hed break up with me... which just made me more upset!
Its a hard choice to make, i think. I wouldnt want to get rid of any animal, no matter how insane they are. especially knowing they would be hard to place.
BUT
Your sanity is first. If this doesnt work, then you have to do what you have to do.
 

[Chris]

How about a picture of the rascal?

[Darthvadar]

Is there a local Nursing Home/Assisted Living facility where they need a pet???...

This puddy-tat sounds ideal for somewhere there are lots of people with time and affection to spare... She'd be a great addition to such an enviornment...

Darth...

[Desert Dancer]

Desertdancer, did you sort the cat out?   What happened?

Amanda, we tried the Prozac. It did nothing at all except make her walk like a drunk.

So we've finally resorted to kicking her out all night. Sure enough, if you put her out she goes from door to window, window to door yowling to come in. She has no interest whatsoever in going outside - by herself. Andy actually walked around the block the other day -as an experiment - and she trotted a foot behind him the whole time, right back into the living room. I used to walk my Bengals on leashes and couldn't get more than three feet before they had to investigate something, thoroughly smell something, climb a tree, etc. Not this one. She didn't stop for anything and never let Andy more than 12 inches away from her.

So she's still here; I'm still gritting my teeth and trying to do right by her. She's a lot easier to tolerate now that I don't have to listen to her whining and yowling all day AND all night, and can finally sleep. Thank god for block construction and dual-pane windows.

Chris, I've got 88,000 pics of my other cats but none of her. I guess I ought to get at least one; I'll post it when I do!

Darth, I've got plenty of time and affection to spare; I'm home all day! It's just that nothing seems to be good enough for her and she's knotted up with anxiety if she's not glued to your side. Unfortunately I still have to accomplish things around the house and having all my chores and projects accompanied by her yowling and whining has worn thin.

[Darthvadar]

Hi DD...

I've not doubt you've affection by the bucket load... That's why this mog has had such a good shot at being your permanent pet...

I also realise that you have things to do that you can't do with five kilos of needy mog hanging out of your left hip... That's why I suggested the Nursing Home.... Like yourself, the residents have loads of love and affection to give her, but unlike yourself, they also have time... They don't have to fit all the things you do into each day... They can give her their undivided attention!...

Just a thought!....

Darth...

[Poppylicious]

Andy actually walked around the block the other day -as an experiment - and she trotted a foot behind him the whole time, right back into the living room. I used to walk my Bengals on leashes and couldn't get more than three feet before they had to investigate something, thoroughly smell something, climb a tree, etc. Not this one. She didn't stop for anything and never let Andy more than 12 inches away from her.

Oh, that made me go 'awwww'!  Sorry, not helpful at all!  Our Mog followed us all the way to the shop one day ... it was the cutest thing although he did get a bit scared of some kids on their bikes and Blokey had to pick him up and calm him whilst I popped in the shop.  I think Riki is right; she's had many changes in her young life and it may just be that she'll take a long time to overcome her fears.  And if you give her time, she will start to change.  It is just a load of poopy that it sometimes takes so long (it took Tabatha years and years, but it was the best thing I ever did.)

I'm still open to having her ... (Blokey isn't though; he thinks two are enough and he doesn't want another broken cat!)

I'm glad you're finally catching up on some sleep!